As usual I have started about 5 blogs and never finished them in the last couple months. Sometimes I just write out my feelings (usually negative feelings) and once I write them down I'm over it. So writing on here is still helpful to me even if no one else can read it.
Back to this blog....
On New Year's Eve, my husband and I were dismissed from work early and decided to have a lunch date before we picked up Mackenzie. We talked about 2014 and what we hoped for in 2015. We decided to call 2015- The Year of the Baby.
We have one egg. We are starting the process of turning that egg into an embryo and then go from there. The process is a little longer if you have intentions of using a surrogate- which we do. Although my oncologist said we could talk about me getting pregnant in 2 years (almost 2 years ago) I'm just not sure its a great idea. Also in my head "we can talk about" means she will say yes immediately. But again- I'm not sure that filling my body with the same hormones that fueled my cancer is such a great idea 2 years after finishing treatment. And the thought of not taking Tamoxifen anymore is terrifying.
So first we are going to try to get a surrogate pregnant. Also we need a surrogate. We don't have $25,000 to pay a stranger to take care of our child for nine months- nor do I trust a stranger, especially one that doesn't live near us, to be our surrogate. It's a lot to ask of anyone- which is why we haven't really asked anyone. We have joked about it with a couple friends and I have bluntly asked a couple people. I totally understand why anyone would say no. It is a HUGE commitment. It's not just being pregnant- its shots before hand, its disruptive to your life, it could be confusing to your friends and especially a small child. But we know there is one woman out there who has this in her heart to do for us. I think I have said this before but I also totally believe that this egg either will or will not become a baby. I don't think that it will matter WHO is carrying this child. If this egg is meant to turn into our child then it will. I don't think there is really anything that any surrogate could do differently than another that will change that.
If that doesn't work- again the chances of our 1 egg turning into an embryo and then turning into a baby isn't great- we have alternatives. I have been cleared to do another egg retrieval. There are several reasons why we aren't going to do another retrieval before we try with our one egg. Mostly cost. Also I'm still pissed about how that whole process went last time and I don't have a whole lot of faith in doing it again.
Obviously another option would be adoption. We have talked about adoption since we first went to the fertility doctor after I was diagnosed. I think about it a lot. But I haven't wrapped my head totally around it. Maybe if our one egg fails then we would think about it more seriously and start doing some research. The process and cost of adoption is very daunting. It doesn't really make sense to me that with so many kids needing to be adopted- especially in this country- that the cost is so high. And then you aren't even guaranteed the birth mom will go through with it all. Because we have done very little research on adoption maybe my numbers and facts are off but we will know more if/when we get to that stage.
This might come off sounding really rude but what we aren't looking for is personal opinions between adoption vs. fertility doctors, ect. Obviously some people might not agree with our choices and that's okay. We just don't really want to hear about it. We didn't CHOOSE to have our lives totally turned upside down by this stupid disease and I'm still not over now much my life is different than I imagined it just 3 short years ago. We have total faith that there is plan set out for us- we just don't know which path will lead us to a child.
Non-religious me has found a couple bible verses lately that have really stuck with me. When the lump was found I clung to- "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow..." (Matthew 6:34) and before my surgery I clung to- "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" (Hebrews 6:19). The anchor symbol has been showing up for me ever since. A couple months ago I was looking at Zulily and I saw a canvas with this- "And so it was that she having waited long and endured patiently realized and obtained what God had promised" (Hebrews 6:15) and I immediately bought it and its on our bookshelf in our living room. A couple days ago I was browsing through Instagram and I saw this verse- "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming" (Romans 8:18). So we are ready. We are ready to see what's next.
I made a promise to Mackenzie that she would be a big sister one day and we are going to work on fulfilling that promise. And maybe that sounds really crazy or naive to some people and that's okay. I have terrible guilt that she hasn't experience the joy of becoming a sister- something that we had planned from before she was even born. I can't even think about it without tearing up. Sure some kids are only kids and are fine. But we don't want that for our family. There is a hole in my heart that is waiting for my future child to fill it. I'm sure anyone who has gone through the experience of wanting a child and hasn't been able to have that child knows what that hole feels like. It hurts. It hurts immeasurably. And add to that pain the pain of your 5 year old asking you for a sibling, asking you WHEN they are going to get a sibling and drawing a baby in her pictures that she draws of our family. It's hard.
So we will see how this goes. I'm cautiously optimistic. I think about this baby every. single. day. And I know that I would be devastated if this egg doesn't become our baby BUT as we know from previous experience this family isn't going to give up easily.
Thanks as always for following along and praying for us and wishing us well. It has meant the world to know that so many people are behind us!