Chemo

3 years ago today I was recovering from my first round of chemo. I can't really remember specifics about that day. I'm so glad I blogged that whole experience because either I don't really remember things or I remember them differently.

I re-read my blog (click for link) from that day and I'm struck by 2 things- I still, even after 3 years, cannot believe I had cancer and how brave I must have been walking I there for the first time. I hate to call myself brave because I didn't have a choice but I was. Your first chemo is definitely the scariest because you don't know how you react to the medicines. My chemo friend found out she had a heart condition because of her first round of chemo. 

These past 2 weeks I've been thinking about when I had cancer a lot because I am still recovering from reconstruction surgery (recovery is going good- just have to keep reminding myself that I am getting better everyday). My family and I have been through so much because of stupid cancer. The trauma of that experience will never go away. Like any other trauma as time goes on the sad and scary feelings happen less often but their intensity remains the same. I just hate this hold cancer gets to have on my life. I don't get to make many decisions without considering it and I hate it. 

This surgery recovery has been easier than last time but still annoying especially because I never wanted to have anything like this done and I will have restrictions for another month. The first time I cried at a doctors office after being diagnosed was at my plastic surgeons office because I couldn't get over how ridiculous it was that I now have a plastic surgeon. I'm annoyed that even 3 years out I am still having to change my life because of cancer. 

Speaking of that- I think we have decided to do our egg retrieval in the beginning of the year so that I can start on my lupron shots and go into menopause. So again I am not only reminded daily that I had cancer with my tamoxifen but now also monthly with a shot. Cancer never goes away.

We are starting to get a little hopeless about finding a surrogate. I just feel so blah about it. The end of the year is coming soon and I just really expected that we would have some sort of good news by now. I knew not everyone would jump at the chance to get to be our surrogate (we did have 2 great candidates that didn't work out) but I just I guess naively thought that someone would be pregnant with our child by now. Waiting is the worst. Mackenzie asks a lot about having a brother or sister and I wish I could tell her why I can't get pregnant and that we need a surrogate but I don't think at almost 6 she will understand all of it. And I don't want to upset her more than she already is. 

These "cancerversaries" always bring up a lot of emotions for me. It's crazy to remember what it was like 3 years ago going through all of this and how life is now. I am a better person for having gone through all of this but I wish that I could have learned these lessons in a less life threatening way. 

Reconstruction

Yesterday I had my reconstruction surgery that I've put off for more than 2 years. For the last week or so I have been SO nervous. Last time I had surgery I received bad news after so I think that's why I was so nervous. Also just being under general anesthesia is scary.

Mackenzie spent the night at my parents house Sunday night and we kept her out of school Monday. After we dropped her off (she asked us when we were leaving like 10 times) we went out to dinner and I ate almost 2 pounds of crab legs. So delicious! 

George and I got to the hospital at 6 am and checked in. Then the nurse called us back. I was trying to remember which room I was in last time for my surgery but there's so many pre-op rooms. My nurse was really nice and for my gown and socks and I changed. Then it was IV time! Luckily the nurse was able to place an IV on the first try as opposed to last time where it took two. 

I knew from my mastectomy that time would start going faster and faster. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me a bunch of questions and another nurse came in and gave me a patch on my neck for nausea. Then my plastic surgeon came in and drew on me- I guess to make sure I'm symmetrical. I knew from my last surgery that the when the nurse anesthetist came in I was about to go into surgery. She gave me some good meds through my IV, I kissed George goodbye and I was wheeled into the operating room. The last thing I remember was them moving my arms on the operating table and then I woke up in recovery. 

I think recovery at the hospital was easier because it was like 10am and not 8pm like last time. I think we were home around 12. I did feel nauseous when I was being wheeled to the car but I didn't get sick. I ate a lot of crackers and drank a lot of water and ginger ale and I felt much better. 

I'm really sore still. As long as I don't move I usually feel fine. I try to not take too much pain medicine but I do take it when I'm feeling extra sore. I haven't really had any pain so that's good. 

I'm glad this is over with. I should have done it 2 years ago but oh well. And I picked a great time because my surgeon is moving at the end of the year and I would hated to have someone else do it. My surgeon is such a nice guy and so calming so I'm sad that he is moving.

Now that this is over we are going to get back to finding a surrogate. We have a little more to fill out for our attorneys matching program and I'm on 2 Facebook message boards to try to match with a surrogate. We still are hoping that we can have a friend as our surrogate but at this point as long as we find a good match that is close by we will be happy!