Tuesday, February 16, 2016


I debated even writing a blog because nothing's new. My incision is still open, we still don't have a surrogate. Everything is still.

Honestly we are very discouraged. We were spoiled by getting 2 volunteers back to back. And now it's been 6 months since a serious candidate has come along. We have debated recently about giving ourselves a deadline to end our search and just move on. It is emotionally all consuming 24/7. We had someone for example from my online surrogacy group message me (that's exciting) but they've given birth 5 times (that's disappointing) and it never seems to stop. Last month was probably the hardest month so far for me personally and I'm just not sure how much more I can take. 

Ultimately I'm not sure if we could come up with a deadline. I'm afraid to give up and I'm afraid sometimes to keep going. I'm afraid to stop talking about it and begging for help. I used to fall asleep every night thinking about this baby- what month he or she would be born, would we find out their sex, what would Mackenzies reaction be, ect. And now I don't. Sometimes I read a name we picked out and it stops me for a second and then I move on. It makes me sad but I know it's my brain protecting my heart. 

We talked about adoption again but I just don't think it's for us. And it probably sounds weird that we would choose at this point to not have a child rather then give a child a home but that's our choice and we don't have to rationalize it to anyone. 

Tomorrow marks 6 years since our 5 week old 5 pound baby has surgery for pyloric stenosis. I remember at the time being relieved when she went back for surgery because I knew it was going to finally make her better. And at the time I thought how hard that situation was on us- our preemie who shouldn't have even been born yet having surgery so little. Never in a million years could I imagine that just 2.5 short years later we would be going through something so much more dire. It's amazing how that experience with Mackenzie is the reason my cancer was found. If she was born on time I probably wouldn't have gone for th physical that led to finding the lump (read more of Mackenzies birth story here http://thelumpchronicles.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-picture-that-saved-my-life.html). And because my cancer was found we are now in this situation. 

So again requirements for our surrogate are: 
should be under 43
BMI under 35
no more than 2 c-sections
no more than 4 births. 

If you are someone or know someone who might want to be a surrogate send me a message.