Thursday, June 9, 2016

Dear Mackenzie

7 years ago on June 18th I took a pregnancy test and waited for 2 eternity filled minutes for the results. We wanted you so bad. When I finally flipped the test over it said PREGNANT and I cried tears of joy! I didn't tell your dad right away because it was the Thursday before Father's Day and I wanted to get him something Father's Day related to surprise him. He was so surprised when I told him later that night and we were so happy!

You were such a dream while I was pregnant. You just rolled around in there and usually slept while I slept. I was never sick. It was the most magical time of my life. Your dad only got to feel you kicking once. You were born 7 weeks early so we got to spend an extra 7 weeks getting to know you on the outside.

You are the same dream child that you were when I was pregnant with you. You sleep SOOOO WELL! I loved being on maternity leave with you because you were so easy. I love every second of the 4 months I was off (except when you were at the hospital!).

When I think of the fact that I will never get to be pregnant again it makes me so sad because from the second I saw the words pregnant I loved you so much. I'm afraid we, as a family of 3, won't ever get to experience that. When your dad and I were talking about having another child, I couldn't wait to share those moments of me being pregnant with you.

What hurts the most is that I don't want to disappoint you. When you're a mom you feel like you have to constantly try to make everyone happy. There are so many different opinions and advice that you have to muddle through. But the only thing I care about is you.


You are empathetic.
You are kind.
You are smart.
You are brave. 
You are the most beautiful girl in the world. 
You love children and are so good with them.
You love to tell us you love us and you give us lots of hugs and kisses

You are everything.

I don't think I would have made it through all of this if it wasn't for you. You have silently given me the strength to continue my fight. You didn't even know something was wrong. Well we didn't tell you anything about cancer 4 years ago. I know you knew. We told you I had to take special medicine. But you give me the powers I need to keep fighting. 

Next week is your last week of kindergarten. I cannot believe you are all ready old enough to be a first grader. This year has been amazing for so many reasons. But mainly it was incredible to watch you go from a little girl to a person. You can read, add, subtract, you know science and history. It has been awesome to watch. It's also been great because we had a lot of time to kill after school before bedtime and I truly enjoyed those extra couple of hours with you. I think this year we have grown a lot closer.

You have made all my dreams come true just because you are here. You have taught me so much about myself, the world and what living life really is all about. I love who you have made me and I cannot wait to see what this world brings you!

I love you all the way to the Milky Way and back.