Yesterday marks 6 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Some days it feels like I've been battling this for years and other times it feels like days. The rawness of the diagnosis has worn off and I barely think about it anymore. I think mostly about chemo. It's like they're 2 separate things.
6 months ago when I got the call from my surgeon that I had cancer I wasn't that shocked. I knew from the second the nurse practitioner found the lump that it was cancer but its hard to hear those words nonetheless. I think the hardest part for me has been that this has thrown my whole life off of the course I planned ( I know the saying: If you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans). But there's a lot of disappointment when what you want and what you get aren't matching up.
I think that I'm mentally in a much better place than I was 6 months ago even though I'm physically not. My body doesn't look like it used to and I'll always have scars but that doesn't bother me. This part has been hard with side effects of chemo but I'm glad that I'm done with the anxiety anticipation left me with. The first almost 2 months after my diagnosis was filled with a lot of appointments but no real work. Now I've had surgery, had a port put in, started chemo and then I'll have radiation.
The last 6 weeks have left me drained in every state possible. I've been sick aside from chemo and that's been really hard. You can feel the toll that those drugs take on your body when you get an illness that should clear up in a week, not turn into pneumonia. But the weird thing is that I thank God for those drugs everyday. And that I'm being treated in 2012/13 and not years ago.
This is a weird journey to be on. Things are put into a perspective that I never would have seen otherwise. I always think or wish that I'd never been diagnosed but then I remember that the cancer would have still been there and I'd be much worse off the longer I waited to see the doctor. But I'm really lucky I went when I did.
May is going to be my new favorite month. Treatments will be over and I hope to hear those words everyone with cancer hopes to hear: you're in remission. But May doesn't mean this journey is over. I think that's when the work will really begin. Finding ways to keep myself in remission and help others who have joined this journey too. Plus maybe a little vacation for my husband and I. I need to see the ocean and some sunshine!
Yesterday, since I was still feeling run down, I went back to my oncologist for blood work and then was told I needed a transfusion. I was kind of relieved. I didn't want a blood transfusion but to not even be able to get out of bed to go to the bathroom without being winded gets old fast. So I was admitted to Alexandria Hospital last night and was released this morning. I'm all ready feeling a lot better. I just have a cold that I have to shake still (come on new blood!! fight this cold!) and then I'll feel 100%. I haven't felt 100% in about 6 weeks and I'm ready to be a normal person again. I've hardly left my house, except to go to the doctor or hospital, since Christmas Eve. I haven't even been to Target! That's crazy!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
The Hospital
This has been a pretty awful couple of weeks. I don't even really remember having chemo 3 weeks ago or having side effects. I was so sick that I'm not even sure it affected me this time.
I've had a cough for more than 3 weeks now. When I went to the hospital on Christmas Eve with a fever, I got a couple days of antibiotics but that was it. And I just kept coughing and coughing. Nothing helped. I kept a note in my phone with what medicine I took, at what time. Then once I started taking Dayquil I added in my temperature because it has acetaminophen in it and I didn't want to mask a fever.
New Years Eve my parents watched Mackenzie and George and I went to dinner at Mikes American Grill. I put on make up and my wig even though I felt like crap but I wanted to ring in the New Year feeling good. Some how I managed to stay up until midnight but right after that I went to bed. And I didn't move a lot from it for the next couple days.
On January 5th, I woke up and I knew I had a fever. My temp was 100.7 and then 100.9. I called the on call doctor and he sent me back to the emergency room to check my blood levels. Of course it was the same doctor that sent me to the emergency room on Christmas Eve. To be honest, I was a little relieved to be going back to the ER. I needed some relief. It sucks to be sick for 3 weeks straight with no relief at all. George was working so I dropped Mackenzie off at her friends house and my mom met me at the ER. I was the only person in the waiting room and went to triage for vitals then back to a room. The doctor came in before the nurse did which was unusual. They did blood tests and another chest X-Ray. The nurse came in and told me that they were putting me on 3 different antibiotics. The doctor then came in and told me that I had pneumonia.
I had a feeling that morning that I had pneumonia. Its the only thing that made sense since I was so sick for so long and couldn't stop coughing. I was sad that I had to be admitted but I hoped that all the antibiotics would finally help. I got a room on the oncology floor which was great. The nurse told me that I had been upped to FIVE antibiotics.
George stayed with me Saturday night which was pretty uneventful. Not a lot of sleep happens in the hospital because you are constantly woken up to get more meds or give blood.
Sunday mydoctor Intern Tim came in and told me that he was concerned because I still had high fevers and a high heart rate. Later the told me that he wanted me to have an EKG to check my heart because of my heart rate and a CT scan to see if I had a pulmonary embolism. Way to freak me out. Of course there is no rush on any of these tests. You would think if they think I have a blood clot in my lungs that they would want to get the test done STAT but it was about another 2 hours before I had it done.
My EKG looked amazing (per Intern Tim) and a doctor from my Primary doctors showed up to talk about how I felt and give me the results of the my CT scan. After we talked for awhile she went to get the results and came back and told us (George and my mom were there) that I did in fact have pneumonia and NOT a pulmonary embolism. I've never been happier! Since the ER I had been told I could have pneumonia, respiratory airway disease, I didn't have pneumonia, I had a virus, or a pulmonary embolism. So you can imagine my relief to be told that I definitely had something (and it wasn't a PE).
Honestly, I was getting really frustrated on Sunday. Every time they would take my vitals I would pray that my temperature would be normal and it wasn't. So I would get the chills, they would give me Tylenol and then I would get really gross sweats. Its impossible to sleep with the sweats. It was terrible.
Anyway, my doctor told me that I could have vital pneumonia which would be a reason why all 5 antibiotics weren't really helping my illness OR we just haven't given the medications enough time to work yet since it had only been a little bit over 24 hours since I was admitted. After my EKG I was hooked up to a heart monitor and I was on IV fluids 24 hours.
Monday was a bad day emotionally. I planned on having Mackenzie's birthday party on the 12th (Saturday) but I was starting to realize that it probably wasn't going to happen since I could barely walk down the hall without being exhausted. I kept telling the doctors that I had to leave by Thursday for Mackenzie's birthday. I just was getting really frustrated that all this was happening and I felt like for once I should get a break. I mean come on, breast cancer at 28, bilateral mastectomy, 6 rounds of chemo AND radiation isn't enough...now I have to be admitted to the hospital with pneumonia AND its the week of my daughters birthday?
So Monday I cried a lot. Especially after I talked to Mackenzie on the phone. I just missed being home so much and then to hear Mackenzie talk about how I was at the doctor and I didn't feel good just hurt. Maybe it was also the lack of sleep catching up to me. I haven't slept through the night since I first got sick over 3 weeks ago. Then, like I said, you can't sleep in the hospital. On top of being awoken every hour or so for blood or medicine or breathing treatments (seriously breathing treatments at 2 am...every 6 hours) on Monday night there was a lady who had lost her mental function a couple rooms down and was yelling. Luckily I couldn't hear her all night but every time my door was opened I could.
Tuesday I was SO happy when my doctor said I could go home! I couldn't get dressed fast enough. Ironically, the day I was released was the same day 3 years ago that I was admitted when my water broke at 33 weeks.
This past week has still been pretty tough. I have zero stamina but its getting better everyday. I went to my doctor for a follow up last Friday and had another chest X-ray and my doctor couldn't believe how great it looked! I am still worried that they are going to push back my chemo but I haven't heard from my oncologist yet so I'm hoping its still on.
My cough is getting less and less and I don't really cough while I'm sleeping which helps me sleep almost through the night. NyQuil helps that too. The first couple nights I was home from the hospital I felt like I was still there and woke up every time I moved because I forgot that I didn't have an IV anymore. Whenever I have an IV, even in my port, I hold that thing with a death grip because I'm terrified of it coming out.
So now I just feel like a have a cold. My nose is runny and I still feel a lot of fatigue but I'm getting better. I'm hoping that after chemo I'll be able to sleep a lot like I usually do after chemo. After last chemo I had a lot of nausea but I think it was Robitussin and not the chemo. Robitussin does not work for me. I finally had to get the nurse to talk my doctor into giving me some Tussinex (the good stuff with some codine in it so I could sleep).
I'm looking forward to chemo this week. After this chemo I'll only have 2 more left!! I'm excited for February to get here because I have my last 2 chemo's and then I'll be done!
I've had a cough for more than 3 weeks now. When I went to the hospital on Christmas Eve with a fever, I got a couple days of antibiotics but that was it. And I just kept coughing and coughing. Nothing helped. I kept a note in my phone with what medicine I took, at what time. Then once I started taking Dayquil I added in my temperature because it has acetaminophen in it and I didn't want to mask a fever.
On January 5th, I woke up and I knew I had a fever. My temp was 100.7 and then 100.9. I called the on call doctor and he sent me back to the emergency room to check my blood levels. Of course it was the same doctor that sent me to the emergency room on Christmas Eve. To be honest, I was a little relieved to be going back to the ER. I needed some relief. It sucks to be sick for 3 weeks straight with no relief at all. George was working so I dropped Mackenzie off at her friends house and my mom met me at the ER. I was the only person in the waiting room and went to triage for vitals then back to a room. The doctor came in before the nurse did which was unusual. They did blood tests and another chest X-Ray. The nurse came in and told me that they were putting me on 3 different antibiotics. The doctor then came in and told me that I had pneumonia.
I had a feeling that morning that I had pneumonia. Its the only thing that made sense since I was so sick for so long and couldn't stop coughing. I was sad that I had to be admitted but I hoped that all the antibiotics would finally help. I got a room on the oncology floor which was great. The nurse told me that I had been upped to FIVE antibiotics.
George stayed with me Saturday night which was pretty uneventful. Not a lot of sleep happens in the hospital because you are constantly woken up to get more meds or give blood.
Sunday my
My EKG looked amazing (per Intern Tim) and a doctor from my Primary doctors showed up to talk about how I felt and give me the results of the my CT scan. After we talked for awhile she went to get the results and came back and told us (George and my mom were there) that I did in fact have pneumonia and NOT a pulmonary embolism. I've never been happier! Since the ER I had been told I could have pneumonia, respiratory airway disease, I didn't have pneumonia, I had a virus, or a pulmonary embolism. So you can imagine my relief to be told that I definitely had something (and it wasn't a PE).
Honestly, I was getting really frustrated on Sunday. Every time they would take my vitals I would pray that my temperature would be normal and it wasn't. So I would get the chills, they would give me Tylenol and then I would get really gross sweats. Its impossible to sleep with the sweats. It was terrible.
Anyway, my doctor told me that I could have vital pneumonia which would be a reason why all 5 antibiotics weren't really helping my illness OR we just haven't given the medications enough time to work yet since it had only been a little bit over 24 hours since I was admitted. After my EKG I was hooked up to a heart monitor and I was on IV fluids 24 hours.
Monday was a bad day emotionally. I planned on having Mackenzie's birthday party on the 12th (Saturday) but I was starting to realize that it probably wasn't going to happen since I could barely walk down the hall without being exhausted. I kept telling the doctors that I had to leave by Thursday for Mackenzie's birthday. I just was getting really frustrated that all this was happening and I felt like for once I should get a break. I mean come on, breast cancer at 28, bilateral mastectomy, 6 rounds of chemo AND radiation isn't enough...now I have to be admitted to the hospital with pneumonia AND its the week of my daughters birthday?
So Monday I cried a lot. Especially after I talked to Mackenzie on the phone. I just missed being home so much and then to hear Mackenzie talk about how I was at the doctor and I didn't feel good just hurt. Maybe it was also the lack of sleep catching up to me. I haven't slept through the night since I first got sick over 3 weeks ago. Then, like I said, you can't sleep in the hospital. On top of being awoken every hour or so for blood or medicine or breathing treatments (seriously breathing treatments at 2 am...every 6 hours) on Monday night there was a lady who had lost her mental function a couple rooms down and was yelling. Luckily I couldn't hear her all night but every time my door was opened I could.
Tuesday I was SO happy when my doctor said I could go home! I couldn't get dressed fast enough. Ironically, the day I was released was the same day 3 years ago that I was admitted when my water broke at 33 weeks.
This past week has still been pretty tough. I have zero stamina but its getting better everyday. I went to my doctor for a follow up last Friday and had another chest X-ray and my doctor couldn't believe how great it looked! I am still worried that they are going to push back my chemo but I haven't heard from my oncologist yet so I'm hoping its still on.
My cough is getting less and less and I don't really cough while I'm sleeping which helps me sleep almost through the night. NyQuil helps that too. The first couple nights I was home from the hospital I felt like I was still there and woke up every time I moved because I forgot that I didn't have an IV anymore. Whenever I have an IV, even in my port, I hold that thing with a death grip because I'm terrified of it coming out.
So now I just feel like a have a cold. My nose is runny and I still feel a lot of fatigue but I'm getting better. I'm hoping that after chemo I'll be able to sleep a lot like I usually do after chemo. After last chemo I had a lot of nausea but I think it was Robitussin and not the chemo. Robitussin does not work for me. I finally had to get the nurse to talk my doctor into giving me some Tussinex (the good stuff with some codine in it so I could sleep).
I'm looking forward to chemo this week. After this chemo I'll only have 2 more left!! I'm excited for February to get here because I have my last 2 chemo's and then I'll be done!
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Half way done!
It's been a way busy month. I'm guessing that's why I ended up in the emergency room at 930pm on Christmas Eve. I woke up and had a temperature of 99.0, then I took my temperature around 3 or so at work and it was 100.2 (I have to call the doctor when my temperature gets to 100.5). I came home from work around 5:30 and took a nap. When I woke up I could feel my skin burning. I took my temperature again at 8:30 and it was 101.6. I was so upset when the doctor said I had to go to the ER. I didn't know if I'd be there for hours or days. It all depended on how my blood work looked. So my mom came and picked me up and off we went. Luckily they were able to use my port for blood draws and as my iv. They gave me Tylenol, ran my labs and I had a chest x-ray. Then I was discharged around 11:50. I was SO happy to be home for Christmas. I would have hated to miss Mackenzie and George opening their presents without me...which was the instructions I left for him when I left.
Backtracking a little bit...Mackenzie celebrated Christmas at daycare the week before Christmas. She got up when her name was called and walked right up to Santa, got her present and posed for a picture. I could not believe it. The last 2 years shes been scared to death of him. I think this year she really got that Santa is a person that brings gifts. What could be better?
I went to try on hats at Target and thought this hat was so cute until I realized that it had holes in it which would defeat the purpose of me wearing a hat! It was really cute though!
I finally received my free scarf from Good Wishes. They are a non-profit that sends you an scarf on their website that you want for free. Included with the scarf is a hand written note from each staff member. I thought that was so awesome because they really personalized it to you.
Backtracking a little bit...Mackenzie celebrated Christmas at daycare the week before Christmas. She got up when her name was called and walked right up to Santa, got her present and posed for a picture. I could not believe it. The last 2 years shes been scared to death of him. I think this year she really got that Santa is a person that brings gifts. What could be better?
I was a little concerned that I had a terrible hairline but then I realized that those are just bald spots. The top of my head is almost completely bald but I still have most of my shaved hair in the back still which doesn't make much sense to me. Its still pretty itchy so I'm ready for it to all fall out, and then grow back!
I'm still loving my wig. I feel like a spy still. I also forget that my hair isn't red. And I still hate when people think its just dyed and colored. I usually tell them its not my hair if they know I have cancer, but if they don't I just say thank you if them compliment it. Its been pretty hard because I feel like I'm lying but I know not everyone really needs to know whats going on. If they think its my real hair than my wig is doing a great job!
I went to try on hats at Target and thought this hat was so cute until I realized that it had holes in it which would defeat the purpose of me wearing a hat! It was really cute though!
I finally received my free scarf from Good Wishes. They are a non-profit that sends you an scarf on their website that you want for free. Included with the scarf is a hand written note from each staff member. I thought that was so awesome because they really personalized it to you.
Besides my trip to the hospital on Christmas Eve, my Christmas was amazing. A lot of family time, great presents and delicious food. Watching Mackenzie open her presents and really believe in Santa is so fun. She is a great age for this season. I'm not sure she'll let use put the Christmas tree away but we'll try!
I had my third out of six chemo treatments today. It went fine. My mom came with me. It seemed longer than my other treatments but I don't think it really was. They were really busy so my meds weren't always started the second the previous med was finished and beeped and that's fine. I don't have anything else to do on chemo Thursdays! I got a chance to talk to my chemo friends there. Its great to have them to ask questions or to answer questions. We all have had different paths and treatments so far. One has a similar treatment path as me and one is doing surgery after chemo. They are both 1 treatment ahead of me so they'll finish on my 5th treatment. It will be sad not to finish the same time as them but its been great to have them there.
So far I've felt okay. My mom and I went to breakfast before then to lunch after. I came home and took my anti-nausea meds as well as Dayquil. Tonight I'll take more anti-nausea, Robitussin, my steroid, Claritin and my antibiotic. Thank God I have a pill organizer to keep my chemo brain straight. I'm not sure how having a cold is going to mix with chemo but as long as I have meds to counter act my side effects I should be fine.
I'm so happy to be half way done!!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Round 2 recap
Chemo was Thursday and I've been holding up pretty good. I didn't lose my taste this time (yet) which was a bonus but I did have a few more stomach problems this time. But like last time it really wasn't as bad as I was expecting. The hardest part for me is that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel fine so I sit around waiting for a terrible side effect to come. You never know if it will or not and its annoying. I wish like most prescriptions, you got the side effects you got, instead of wondering what this time will bring.
My main side effect this round came from my Neulasta shot that I get on Friday. I feel fine until my steroids wear off late Saturday into Sunday and then I'm in some pain. Its not unbearable. I only took Tylenol once yesterday but that was mostly stupidity on my part. I'm not sure why I'm SO against taking medication for my side effects but I'm trying to get over that. I slept horribly last night from the pain and just my stomach feeling uneasy. So I took Tylenol and my anti-nausea medication and then I worried that you aren't supposed to take them together!
The pain from the Neulasta is also more like an achy/ stiffness pain and not like sharp pain. Luckily with this medicine you know what your side effect is the first time. The pain seemed worse this round but I don't know if that's just because I recognized it sooner than I did the first round. Last round I thought I was just sore from lack of movement. I also took more anti-nausea medication this time. I took it at any hint of stomach discomfort just in case. Maybe by round 3 I'll get all my side effect medication down!
I think I'm recovering a little quicker from this round too. But I say that with an abundance of caution because I know that the effects of chemo are cumulative and I could have more side effects tomorrow. The joy of chemo is always the unknown! But I'm hoping that what my doctor said is true: the first few days are the hardest and then the days get easier and easier.
Wednesday/Thursday before chemo I felt like I've never had chemo before which is a great feeling. My treatments are perfectly timed for my life and my next round is 2 days after Christmas which is great. I'm glad that I should be feeling almost 100%. Plus the next couple of weeks are going to be so busy and I want to make Christmas as magical for Mackenzie as possible. She deserves to have Christmas be what every 2 year old thinks it is. So if that means I'm a little more tired than usual, so be it. Especially this year, we have a lot to be thankful for.
I'm still getting used to not having hair. I have phantom hair syndrome. I still reach for it to pick at split ends when I'm bored and I went to put it up tonight before I took a shower. I had to ask George how to wash your head when you don't have any hair. I'm glad I bought 2 in 1 shampoo after my mastectomy because I would feel so odd conditioning my bald head! Maybe I'm supposed to!
My main side effect this round came from my Neulasta shot that I get on Friday. I feel fine until my steroids wear off late Saturday into Sunday and then I'm in some pain. Its not unbearable. I only took Tylenol once yesterday but that was mostly stupidity on my part. I'm not sure why I'm SO against taking medication for my side effects but I'm trying to get over that. I slept horribly last night from the pain and just my stomach feeling uneasy. So I took Tylenol and my anti-nausea medication and then I worried that you aren't supposed to take them together!
The pain from the Neulasta is also more like an achy/ stiffness pain and not like sharp pain. Luckily with this medicine you know what your side effect is the first time. The pain seemed worse this round but I don't know if that's just because I recognized it sooner than I did the first round. Last round I thought I was just sore from lack of movement. I also took more anti-nausea medication this time. I took it at any hint of stomach discomfort just in case. Maybe by round 3 I'll get all my side effect medication down!
I think I'm recovering a little quicker from this round too. But I say that with an abundance of caution because I know that the effects of chemo are cumulative and I could have more side effects tomorrow. The joy of chemo is always the unknown! But I'm hoping that what my doctor said is true: the first few days are the hardest and then the days get easier and easier.
Wednesday/Thursday before chemo I felt like I've never had chemo before which is a great feeling. My treatments are perfectly timed for my life and my next round is 2 days after Christmas which is great. I'm glad that I should be feeling almost 100%. Plus the next couple of weeks are going to be so busy and I want to make Christmas as magical for Mackenzie as possible. She deserves to have Christmas be what every 2 year old thinks it is. So if that means I'm a little more tired than usual, so be it. Especially this year, we have a lot to be thankful for.
I'm still getting used to not having hair. I have phantom hair syndrome. I still reach for it to pick at split ends when I'm bored and I went to put it up tonight before I took a shower. I had to ask George how to wash your head when you don't have any hair. I'm glad I bought 2 in 1 shampoo after my mastectomy because I would feel so odd conditioning my bald head! Maybe I'm supposed to!
Friday, December 7, 2012
2 down
Wahoo! Only 4 more to go! My friend Beka was here from California and offered to come to treatment with me which was great! We had so much fun and laughed a ton. And laughter is the best medicine! We started out our day having a giant breakfast at the diner by my house then headed to chemo. It seemed like the pre-chemo drugs took a long time today or like we got to a slow start. But we were only there for about 3.5 hours which was faster than last time.
Funny story from chemo: as we were leaving I stopped by the front desk to see if I needed to do anything else and they said no. I turned around to leave and I heard one of them say "I love your hair" and I started to turn back around to say thank you" when I heard Beka say thank you and realized that I have no hair! Oops!
I also had to get a shot of Lupron which is supposed to "quiet" my ovaries during chemo. The shot is once a month just while I have chemo. It's pretty newly approved for this use but my fertility doctor said they've seen amazing results in other countries and the US is finally catching up. I thought Lupron was going to be like a daily pill and I don't know why I was so shocked when my nurse practitioner told me that it was a shot. Everything about fertility comes in shot form. But at least they do it and I don't have to have George give me anymore shots!
I took my anti-nausea just a couple hours after my treatment this time. I have a hard time trying to figure out if I'm really nauseous or I need to eat. But once you feel nauseous the last thing you want to do is eat. So I think for the next couple days I'm going to eat little meals/snacks all day and see how that makes me feel. I started using My Fitness Pal again mostly to track my eating after chemo but also so I don't keep eating like crap. I can't use the "I have cancer so I eat what I want" excuse forever. It will help me also see what foods I did well with and what foods to maybe avoid next treatment.
I just want to thank everyone for your continued support. The Meal Train website says dates usually fill up quick and they were right. There are only 2 days left at the end. I asked George last night if we could just keep the calendar going and see how long we could get delicious meals even when treatment is over! It's just so thoughtful and it's SO helpful! I can't imagine anyone having to go through this without as much support as I constantly feel. Texts, calls, emails are always welcome, especially when they aren't cancer related!
Today I've been feeling pretty good. I had my Neulasta shot which was less painful than last time. Michele and her husband Stuart brought us our dinner(s) and we visited for awhile then I went back to what I now call my "chemo coma". I woke up when George brought Mackenzie home. Sleeping feels so great! I ate lunch and dinner just fine but I think I'm starting to lose my taste which I was expecting. I bought children's mouthwash because mouthwash for adults was way too hard on my mouth last time. My tongue would burn when I would use it.
I saw my 2 chemo friends yesterday and they both said they did pretty good after their 2nd treatment (they are 1 ahead of me) so that was good to hear. One of them had a hard time after the first round and the other one had a pretty easy round. We'll see what they say about their round 3 next time!
Funny story from chemo: as we were leaving I stopped by the front desk to see if I needed to do anything else and they said no. I turned around to leave and I heard one of them say "I love your hair" and I started to turn back around to say thank you" when I heard Beka say thank you and realized that I have no hair! Oops!
I also had to get a shot of Lupron which is supposed to "quiet" my ovaries during chemo. The shot is once a month just while I have chemo. It's pretty newly approved for this use but my fertility doctor said they've seen amazing results in other countries and the US is finally catching up. I thought Lupron was going to be like a daily pill and I don't know why I was so shocked when my nurse practitioner told me that it was a shot. Everything about fertility comes in shot form. But at least they do it and I don't have to have George give me anymore shots!
I took my anti-nausea just a couple hours after my treatment this time. I have a hard time trying to figure out if I'm really nauseous or I need to eat. But once you feel nauseous the last thing you want to do is eat. So I think for the next couple days I'm going to eat little meals/snacks all day and see how that makes me feel. I started using My Fitness Pal again mostly to track my eating after chemo but also so I don't keep eating like crap. I can't use the "I have cancer so I eat what I want" excuse forever. It will help me also see what foods I did well with and what foods to maybe avoid next treatment.
I just want to thank everyone for your continued support. The Meal Train website says dates usually fill up quick and they were right. There are only 2 days left at the end. I asked George last night if we could just keep the calendar going and see how long we could get delicious meals even when treatment is over! It's just so thoughtful and it's SO helpful! I can't imagine anyone having to go through this without as much support as I constantly feel. Texts, calls, emails are always welcome, especially when they aren't cancer related!
Today I've been feeling pretty good. I had my Neulasta shot which was less painful than last time. Michele and her husband Stuart brought us our dinner(s) and we visited for awhile then I went back to what I now call my "chemo coma". I woke up when George brought Mackenzie home. Sleeping feels so great! I ate lunch and dinner just fine but I think I'm starting to lose my taste which I was expecting. I bought children's mouthwash because mouthwash for adults was way too hard on my mouth last time. My tongue would burn when I would use it.
I saw my 2 chemo friends yesterday and they both said they did pretty good after their 2nd treatment (they are 1 ahead of me) so that was good to hear. One of them had a hard time after the first round and the other one had a pretty easy round. We'll see what they say about their round 3 next time!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The night before chemo (round 2)
Tomorrow is my second round of chemo. I'm a little more anxious for the second round because I don't know if my side effects are going to be the same or worse. My nurse practitioner told me today that I was a "chemo rock star" and that if your first round goes well usually the second round goes well too. Like I did last round, I'm going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
I know this time that my mouth is going to be sore and have some problems, including the loss of taste. But this time I'm going to try to eat/drink more cold things. I avoided them last time because the nurse told me if I can't taste then room temperature food would probably be best. And I am going to limit/avoid dairy because I think it made me feel really sick.
I'm hoping that I just have the same queasiness that I had last time and nothing worse. I hate the feeling of an uneasy stomach and I definitely hate throwing up. The fatigue was hard but I love to sleep so that's probably the best side effect.
Sunday I went with my mom out to lunch then to the wig store. I wore only my hat. We ended up getting the wig I tried on a couple weeks/months ago. I like it so much better than the first wig I got. This is the new wig. I love it!
This is what I looked like before the wig.
I'm loving the bald look. I thought I might love it but I wasn't sure if I was just trying to psych myself out. Its so easy! The first thing I do when I get home is take the wig off and let my head air out. It feels amazing! Mackenzie's getting used to my new look. I ask her if she wants to touch my hair and she says "you don't have hair!". I'm glad she is taking it so well. I think if I had a desk job where I only saw coworkers all day I would just wear a hat to work. But I'm getting used to the wig thing.
Sunday when I got home we decorated the house for Christmas. This month is going to fly by and I just didn't think there would be another good weekend to do it. Mackenzie is SO excited for Christmas this year! She loves to see the lights on peoples houses and we talk about Santa a lot and ask her what she wants this year (2 Cinderella's). I'm excited to see if she will actually go to see Santa this year or if she will still be too nervous to sit on his lap.
I know this time that my mouth is going to be sore and have some problems, including the loss of taste. But this time I'm going to try to eat/drink more cold things. I avoided them last time because the nurse told me if I can't taste then room temperature food would probably be best. And I am going to limit/avoid dairy because I think it made me feel really sick.
I'm hoping that I just have the same queasiness that I had last time and nothing worse. I hate the feeling of an uneasy stomach and I definitely hate throwing up. The fatigue was hard but I love to sleep so that's probably the best side effect.
Sunday I went with my mom out to lunch then to the wig store. I wore only my hat. We ended up getting the wig I tried on a couple weeks/months ago. I like it so much better than the first wig I got. This is the new wig. I love it!
This is what I looked like before the wig.
Sunday when I got home we decorated the house for Christmas. This month is going to fly by and I just didn't think there would be another good weekend to do it. Mackenzie is SO excited for Christmas this year! She loves to see the lights on peoples houses and we talk about Santa a lot and ask her what she wants this year (2 Cinderella's). I'm excited to see if she will actually go to see Santa this year or if she will still be too nervous to sit on his lap.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Goodbye hair
This week was emotionally hard for me. I spent a lot a time in front of the mirror crying. I just kept thinking ___ more days with my hair. I was seeing my hair as my entire identity. It wasn't until today when I was looking in the mirror, tearing up and I told myself "you are not your hair". It sounds so stupid. But like I said before I've always identified myself as the red head. And right now I'm not that girl. But I know I'm still the same Kyle on the inside, with or without any hair.
Today, my friend Christy came over and she took some family pictures of us. Then we all loaded up into the car and drove to Zoe Salon in Fair Oaks Mall. Brandon led us back to the spa area and into a massage room where my hair cut would happen. I wasn't really sure how it was going to go but I told him that I wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love and I was happy that they send your hair off because some salons don't do it for you. He put my hair into 2 pigtails and cut them off. Just like that. I felt like Rapunzel at the end of Tangled (can you tell all we watch is Princess movies!). After that he just started shaving. No count down, no nothing. Just started buzzing away. I think it was good that there were no mirrors in the room. I think it went easier because I couldn't see myself the whole time.
So in front of my parents, George, Mackenzie, Kelly and Christy I shaved my head. It went faster and easier than I thought. After he shaved it, Brandon washed my head and then cut my bangs on my wig. I'm still not used to wearing the wig. I feel like people know I'm wearing a wig. I'm sure they don't but since I can feel it, I think people can see it. It will take awhile to get used to I'm sure. But I actually think I look pretty decent bald.
In the end, I'm really happy that I did this. 2 days ago I couldn't imagine how I was ever going to get through this but its been hard to watch my hair fall out. I was starting to dread having to brush it in the morning because I knew I'd lose a lot. The back of my head was starting to hurt because my head was so tender. I was pulling out so much hair any time I would touch my hair and it was just falling out on its own and was all over everything. I still have a ton all over all of my clothes.
So here it is, my in my wig and me au natural.
Today, my friend Christy came over and she took some family pictures of us. Then we all loaded up into the car and drove to Zoe Salon in Fair Oaks Mall. Brandon led us back to the spa area and into a massage room where my hair cut would happen. I wasn't really sure how it was going to go but I told him that I wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love and I was happy that they send your hair off because some salons don't do it for you. He put my hair into 2 pigtails and cut them off. Just like that. I felt like Rapunzel at the end of Tangled (can you tell all we watch is Princess movies!). After that he just started shaving. No count down, no nothing. Just started buzzing away. I think it was good that there were no mirrors in the room. I think it went easier because I couldn't see myself the whole time.
So in front of my parents, George, Mackenzie, Kelly and Christy I shaved my head. It went faster and easier than I thought. After he shaved it, Brandon washed my head and then cut my bangs on my wig. I'm still not used to wearing the wig. I feel like people know I'm wearing a wig. I'm sure they don't but since I can feel it, I think people can see it. It will take awhile to get used to I'm sure. But I actually think I look pretty decent bald.
In the end, I'm really happy that I did this. 2 days ago I couldn't imagine how I was ever going to get through this but its been hard to watch my hair fall out. I was starting to dread having to brush it in the morning because I knew I'd lose a lot. The back of my head was starting to hurt because my head was so tender. I was pulling out so much hair any time I would touch my hair and it was just falling out on its own and was all over everything. I still have a ton all over all of my clothes.
So here it is, my in my wig and me au natural.
I'm not 100% sure about the wig but my mom and I are going tomorrow to look at some more. We'll see.
This picture shows my natural part. I'm not sure if you can see it. Its a perfect center part. So funny!
So that's it. No tears, no fuss. I did it and its over. I'm so ready for the end of February to be here so it can start growing back but for now its not as bad as I thought. My poor head is just freezing!
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