Surrogate application

I have to say the hardest part of needing a surrogate is that our entire fate rests on someone else. And the part that pisses me off the most is that I would probably be able to get pregnant tomorrow if we tried. But we can't. And I hate it.

We haven't gotten any takers on a surrogate. I'm not totally surprised. We had 2 volunteers. Much more than we ever expected. But it is still hard- it feels like rejection. We are still hoping that our surrogate is someone we know but it is looking more and more like it won't be.

Our attorney's office matches intended parents and surrogates. After our bad news last week I asked how we could get in that program. I was sent an 13 page application. We have to narrow our lives into 13 pages and hope that it is good enough for someone else to pick us. There are 2 potential surrogates waiting to be matched. I have no idea how many intended parents there are.

My fear is that once they read that I have a potentially fatal illness they won't pick us. I feel tremendous guilt for being the one whose fault is that this is happening. I talked to Mackenzie last week about how she would feel if she never had a brother or sister and she said sad. I asked her why? And she said because I'll be lonely. She's all ready lonely. Some nights I'm so sad I can't even face her. It's not fair that this is the life she was born into.

I feel like we are going through the grieving process. Like we just have to accept that we are going to be a 3 person family and that is that. There are a million worse things that could happen to a family. And I know Mackenzie is beyond loved by not only us but friends and family as well. She will never want for love. But I know how it feels to be lonely. How it feels to not have someone to talk to who understands what you are going through. That's my life since I was diagnosed.

Mackenzie asked George a couple weeks ago if I was having surgery after she overheard my mom and I talking. Later I asked her if she had any questions and she said no. About 2 weeks ago she asked me if surgery would hurt when they cut my belly. I asked her why she thought I was having surgery on my belly. She said she didn't know she just thought it was. This weekend, after thinking about that conversation for the last 2 weeks, it occurred to me that she might think I'm pregnant. So I asked her if she thought I was pregnant and she said she did before I told her I wasn't having surgery on my belly. I asked her why she thought that I was pregnant and she said because I was having surgery and because I've been going to the doctor a lot. I felt so awful that she probably got her hopes up thinking that a baby was coming soon. 

Speaking of me being pregnant- I've known for 3 years now that I might not ever be able to be pregnant again but it hit me really hard recently, especially after learning I need to go into menopause. I know I am beyond lucky to be able to experience one pregnancy but man, it's been a hard pill to swallow. It is so hard to see pregnancy announcements and baby bumps because I want that for us. I pray that we will one day get to expand our family but it is SO hard to remain hopeful. 

We are almost done with our application. The hardest part is writing a statement to potential surrogates. It's hard to summarize everything we want to say in a short paragraph. But the easiest part for me was describing George as a husband and father. And of course I liked seeing what he wrote about me!