Saturday, December 5, 2015

All I want for Christmas

We have been quiet about surrogacy lately because honestly we have given up a little bit. We still have a tiny bit of hope left but not like we did 6 months ago. We feel defeated. Looking back at my blog in January (and then in June) we were so full of hope and optimism and now honestly we don't even talk about it. We don't bring up having a baby at all.

I am on 2 surrogacy boards on Facebook and I have been approached by a couple different women to potentially be our surrogate. One I turned down because she lived too far away (and her fb profile was too minimal to seem like a real person) and 2 others didn't have insurance. The other thing is how much some of these women ask for in terms of compensation. We don't have a spare $30,000 plus a c section fee plus a multiples fee plus a clothing fee plus travel and on and on. I'm not saying that these women don't deserve compensation but after you add up all of those fees they can make almost $50,000. Then I'm wondering what is the original $30,000 for? 

This month has also been hard because when we thought we had a surrogate lined up in June we imagined that the transfer would be around October and if it worked we could announce around Christmas or Mackenzie's birthday in January. I was really looking forward to telling her that she was going to be a big sister for her birthday. She told me again this week that she wished she had a brother or sister. I can't imagine why she thinks we haven't had a baby yet. She knows that I was sick and had to take medicine that made my hair fall out but she doesn't know that I can't carry any more babies. I think it would break her heart. Her hope is keeping our hope alive. 

The other reason we haven't really talked about surrogacy is because I STILL have not completely healed from my reconstruction surgery. I have been on 2 different antibiotics and 2 different ointments. Last week my surgeon wanted to open my incision and reclose it in the office. I politely declined and asked if we could try the 2nd ointment first. Luckily it seems to be working. The other bad part is that my surgeon is moving to NJ and next week is his last week in the office. I felt like we were breaking up at my appointment this week. He's been such a calm and empathetic voice for the last 3 years and I'm really going to miss him. Although- you know- I wish we never met! 

I am feeling a little pressure because I need to start Lupron shots (to go into menopause) but I need to first be completely healed  before I can even think about doing an egg retrieval. I feel like a mess. And these are the moments I get really angry. I know that life is unfair sometimes but how unfair does it have to be? Sometimes I feel like I used up all of my luck in my first 27 years and then it ran out. It's really hard to watch others announce their pregnancy and then even harder to hear people complain about being pregnant or about what their kids are doing that's annoying. I would love to be annoyed by a 2 year old right now instead of begging strangers to carry our child. 

The other day I opened my email and saw I had a comment on my blog. I was excited to see what it said until I read it. 

First I'm guessing this person just read that one blog and not any others as this has been addressed. Second- how insensitive. Is adoption the only alternative to women who can't carry their own child? The comment makes it sound like I can go to our local kid adoption center and pick out whichever kid I want. Adoption is hard and expensive and while we are moving forward with surrogacy it doesn't mean that we would never consider adoption. In fact we have. Many times. I even recently looked into more agencies. But right now we just can't imagine a world that doesn't have another biological child of ours in it. Is that selfish? Maybe. But that is our choice. 

Please share this with anyone who you think might be able to be our surrogate. Or anyone who would also want to share it. At some point we are going to have to make some tough decisions if we can't find a surrogate but we aren't ready to give up just yet. Maybe 2016 will be the year of the baby. 

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