Frustrated

I think I've used this title before. And I think it was the blog after I met with my first oncologist who told me I had to wait 3-5 years before I could try to get pregnant.

I'm really annoyed that we are at a standstill to have a baby. I'm feeling like my doctor's office doesn't even really want to help me. I'm sure that's not the case and I know he has a lot of patients BUT I want to be treated like I'm a priority. (side note- I was urgently calling all of my doctors 2 weeks ago to get a referral for physical therapy the day of my appointment because one of my doctors never sent it even though I gave them plenty of notice. I realized that once you are in remission you aren't so important anymore and it was nearly impossible. I think the original doctor I called sent it in but man- 2.5 years ago they all would have send it immediately- I guess it's a good thing to be unimportant in the cancer doctor world!).

Today I finally went in for my testing. I'll find out the results of the blood work next week. I had an ultrasound done and she saw 5 follicles on one side and 3 follicles on the other side. She said that was "good for someone who went through chemo". Of course afterwards I googled and apparently 5-10 follicles on each side is normal. So not too far off. I do have to say that it is REALLY hard to look at that ultrasound picture and see a blank screen. I've had more ultrasounds since being diagnosed than I ever had when I was pregnant with Mackenzie. And every time I see the blank screen it takes a minute to catch my breath.

Some days I really question if this is something I really want (and I'm sure George has those moments too). Do we really need another child? Isn't our life with Mackenzie good enough. It is. But then I think of a life without another child and I get teary eyed just thinking about it. We don't need to have another child to make our lives better or to have the life we want but we want a child in our family to bring even more joy and even more love.

I know part of the pain I am feeling is because I had cancer and I'll just never get over the destruction that caused in our lives. It should have gone away when all of the treatments stopped. But it doesn't. It is still effecting my life in a lot of ways. This one is certainly the hardest. Every month that goes by I recalculate how long until we could get a surrogate pregnant (usually takes about 4 months to get them through all of the testing, ect) then how long until the baby would be born and then how old Mackenzie will be. Each passing month it just feels more and more hopeless.

The other part of me is SO hopeful. I know if this is supposed to happen for us then it will. But we are just really tired of waiting and just really tired of feeling like the world is working against us. How unfair to have to keep being victimized by cancer over and over again. How unfair that there's no funding for people who had cancer to help them have a child. It's frustrating to navigate all of this blind.

We did find a really great lawyer. I spent about a half hour on the phone with her paralegal who went over EVERYTHING with me. The first lawyer I found was going to charge us a $350 an hour consultation fee so thank God we cancelled that appointment! But this firm is based out of Richmond and they have handled hundreds of surrogacy case. She told me lots of stories and gave me a lot of information about what to ask surrogates and things that are typically debated over in contracts. It put me a little at ease.

The other day I took Mackenzie to the bookstore and while she was looking at a couple books I walked around the kids section. A book called Wish {link to book trailer}caught my eye so I picked it up and read it. It was totally for me. All about how a couple of elephant parents are so hopeful to have a baby but are disappointed when it takes awhile. I almost bought it for myself. Having cancer was so lonely. Not because I wasn't supported. And not because I didn't have people around. It's just sometimes you feel or think things and feel like you can't say how you really feel. I think infertility is the same. Sometimes I really hate how it makes me feel- so sad, lonely, sometimes jealously. And really angry.

I'm hoping by next week when I finally get to talk to the fertility doctor we can start moving this along. I'm done waiting. I picture in my head what it will be like to tell Mackenzie she will be a big sister. She keeps saying "when I'm bigger then I'll be a sister". It's been really hard for all of us. And we are wishing for the wait to be over soon.