Egg Retrieval Update

After 11 straight days of shots- mostly 3-4 A DAY, we finally had our egg retrieval on July 5! Although it felt so high stakes because our last retrieval went so poorly, I was SO calm about the actual retrieval part the entire time. I just knew it was all completely out of our hands. Besides making sure the amount of meds were correct there was nothing else we could do to ensure that we got any eggs.

But the process itself is always VERY stressful. There are days when you have to rearrange your plans and work schedule last minute to make sure you can make it to appointments on time. The fact that Mackenzie just started camp didn't help. Usually we can drop her off at school at 7 but camp didn't start until 8 so that just made everything else more complicated. Thank God I have such an understanding boss! And then add on top of the every other day ultrasounds and blood work the daily shots. There were 2 shots starting on June 24th and then I added in a shot on the 27th. Once any follicle reaches 14mm you start the morning shot so that you don't ovulate. The 2 shots at night were sometimes 3 shots because of the dose of the one shot. It came in a vial of 300 iu but my dose was 225 iu. So the first vial I just did one injection but the next day I would have to use the rest of the first vial (one shot) and then reset another vial and do a second shot. Plus the other medication. And then wake up in the morning to other other injection. It is A LOT. So thankful that my husband give me the injections. I cannot do the injections myself!



We took the trigger shot on July 3. You have to inject it exactly 36 hours before egg retrieval. It has a MUCH larger needle and goes into the muscle, not the stomach like the others.

Our egg retrieval was on July 5. It was a good day to have it because there was NO traffic going to Rockville or coming back. It was a smooth process. They check you in, get your vitals, you meet with the anesthesiologist who starts your iv, and then the doctor who is performing the retrieval. Then when its time you go back you walk back to the OR and talk to the embryologist and you get strapped into this awful table with stirrups (I mean literally strapped in) and you fall asleep. When you wake up you're back in your room. 

I wore my "This is my lucky shirt" tshirt and my "I am lucky" socks to the retrieval!

The good news is- we got EIGHT eggs! My doctor called later that night and said 7 were mature which is AMAZING!! We are so excited with that result! 

We are doing ICSI and assisted hatching to try to get better results and the assisted hatching also because we are going to genetically test our embryos.



Our tradition of going to Krispy Kreme after visiting the Rockville office continues! At least this time we were happy eating the donuts!

July 6th- my nurse called and said that of our 7 mature eggs, 6 had become embryos! I was so excited! I feel so emotional about these little tiny babies! 

July 7th my nurse called to say that our 6 embryos were still growing! I was completely shocked by this news! But very excited! She said they wouldn't check on them on days 3 and 4 so she would call Monday.

July 10 my nurse called to say we had 4 day 5 embryos. This was SUCH great news!

Today my nurse called to say that our 4 embryos had been biopsied and frozen! We have FOUR frozen embryos! Honestly- I was really hoping they'd get 3 eggs. That was the big number for me. Obviously we hoped for much more but at the end of the day it takes ONE egg to make a baby. But I just thought if we could have 3 plus our other egg that was frozen maybe we would have 1 or 2 embryos make it to freeze. We have FOUR!! And they are going to thaw our original egg this week and go through the process to make it an embryo so we will see how that goes!

Now a sample of our embryos is being sent to the lab to have PGD testing done. We all ready know from our previous genetic tests that George and I are not carriers for the same diseases. That's great news! However embryos can have a number of abnormalities that would make a pregnancy unsuccessful and that is what we are looking for. We are not looking to do this testing to pick a certain sex. We really just want the best possible chance at a successful pregnancy we would get.

We are really excited that we have 4 little embryos sitting on ice waiting to become babies. After so many ups and downs over the past 5 years this is just such incredible news. I cannot believe we have FOUR embryos!

On another note. Now that I have once again sat in the fertility doctor waiting room for 2 weeks I am overwhelmed with sadness and compassion for the families that have to go through all of this for years. I cannot imagine women having to do all of these injections and medications and appointments month after month after month after month. 2 weeks was exhausting enough for me. And we didn't have add into it trying to get pregnant. Plus we weren't keeping anything a secret. I just can't imagine month after month of trying to get pregnant and not really having support because you "aren't supposed to tell anyone you're trying to get pregnant". There is such a sadness and loneliness you feel when you are going through this. Even if people know. I was getting so depressed having to take the shots everyday and go to the doctor and more blood drawn. Its exhausting. And that doesn't even mention the financial burden that comes with fertility treatments. The fact that my insurance "excludes" fertility treatment from being covered is absurd. Sure having a child isn't a right in life but having coverage to a medical problem should be. This shouldn't be a womens issue. This is a family issue. 1 in 8 couples are effected by infertility. That includes men.

Advocacy Day

Yesterday George and I went to Capitol Hill to participate in Resolve's Advocacy Day. I debated about attending for weeks- maybe months. But then the House of Representatives passed that awful healthcare bill and I decided that I would do anything I could to help. 

I felt a little weird about going. I still don't really consider myself infertile. I had cancer and I can no longer even try to get pregnant. But I probably am infertile from chemo. I just don't know for sure. But these issues are important for every woman. Every person in this country knows someone who is infertile. You might not know you know someone- but you definitely do. 1 in 8 couples is affected by infertility. Not just women- men too. And no one talks about it. Because we think we aren't supposed to. But it is SO helpful to so many couples if you share your story. It is the worst feeling to think that you are alone. 

We didn't really know what we were in for with Advocacy Day since it was our first time attending. When we got to the hotel for some training they had breakfast for us and we got started with all the information we needed to know. I knew a little bit- they have SO much information on their website including a training that they recorded that I watched earlier this week. 

We were there to talk about 3 main issues- IVF for Vets, Adoption Tax Credit Refundability and personhood bills. 

IVF for Vets was passed last year but only for 2 years. It expires in 2018. Active duty military have access to IVF through their healthcare which is great. But vets who are wounded causing problems with their reproductive systems (both men and women) did not have coverage. Can you imagine fighting for our country, getting wounded and then having no coverage when you wanted to start a family. The bill that is on the table in the House and Senate would make the IVF for Vets permanent. 

The Adoption Tax Credit Refundability would change the current tax law so that even if you don't owe taxes you would still get the tax credit back. Right now you can get up to $13,000 back as a credit but only if you owe. This is especially unhelpful to most families who adopt as they are usually middle to low income households who might not owe taxes. There are 4,700 children in foster care in Virginia. It would save our state $67,000 to $127,000 for each child that is adopted out of the foster care system. Not only would this bill be helpful to families but it makes sense for states too. 

The last part was personhood bills. Currently there are a couple in the House and the Senate. We are opposed to personhood bills. Personhood bills give rights to basically a zygote. HR 586 seeks to define that "the life of each human being begins with fertilization" and a "one-celled embryo" is "a new unique human being". This would be detrimental to couples who have to use IVF to have a child. This bill would make a law that says a women has to have ALL embryos transferred to her- there's no freezing or discarding them. Some women have 10 or more embryos. How can this be safe for her or the embryos they say they are trying to protect? While I understand part of the intent of these laws are anti-abortion they are far from being pro-family. They are certainly not pro-life and they are not pro-woman. Similar bills that have passed at the state level were used to prosecute women for having abortions. These bills would guarantee that we would not be able to have any more biological children. That is not very "pro-life" or "pro-family" to me. 

We got our schedule for the day

We listened to many speakers including Barbara Collura- President/CEO of Resolve

And Representative Timothy Walz from MN

After we listened to speakers we met with our state delegations. Virginia has a very large group and met with each other and we talked about who was going to say what in each meeting. We got to see who would be coming to our Representative meetings from the larger groups. Then because we had a 10:30 meeting we left the training a little early to walk over to the Capitol. 

So I knew the Capitol was large but WOW! I forgot about all of the other buildings attached. Thank God for the underground tunnels as it was around 90 yesterday! 

First stop was the Russell Senate Office Building to see Tim Kaine. 

The Russell Building is GORGEOUS! Exactly what you think when you think of the Capitol. We had some time before our first meeting so we waited and took in the architecture. 

This is where the media films members of Congress for their shows. We saw a couple giving interviews- although I didn't know who they were. 

Still waiting! 

George and I in front of Tim Kaine's office. 

This is our whole Virginia delegation! So big that we barely fit into Tim Kaine's conference room. Unfortunately we did not get to meet with the Senator but we met with his staffer. She was so knowledgeable and listened to our message. 

Next up was Mark Warner. We used the underground tunnels to get to the Hart Senate Building. I just want to say that umm it was A LOT different that the Russell Building. It looked like an old hotel. It was so interesting to see how different those 2 buildings are! Fun fact- I actually have met Mark Warner before when I was in SGA for 1 year in college. We took a trip to Richmond and we all got to meet him and take pictures with him when he was Governor of Virginia.

There was so many of us we couldn't even fit in Mark Warner's office so we met in the hallway. We were told in our training that we might have to meet in the hallways with some Senators or Representatives and that we would probably only meet with their staff. Obviously the men and women in congress are very busy! But their staffers are each focused on different issues such as veterans affairs, taxes, etc so it was helpful to meet with them. 

After our meeting with Mark Warner's staff we went to lunch. We didn't all stick together, some left the Capitol building and some of us ate in the cafeteria. It was nice to get to sit down and get a break from all of the walking and to get to know some of the advocates from our state a little better.

After lunch we went to the House of Representatives. Before our 2:00 pm meeting with Don Beyer we passed out letters to other Representatives who didn't have constituents there on Advocacy Day. We stopped at 2 offices but neither had staff available to meet with us so we left our information and letters for them.

One thing I was really looking forward to was riding the tram! Because I thought it took you all the way to all of the buildings- I thought it would have different stops. It doesn't. But it was nice to cut out some of the walking and it was still fun to ride!

After we dropped off the constituents letters we went to Don Beyer's office who is our Representative in the House. I was excited because I heard that we were actually going to meet with him (and we did!). It was funny because there was just 4 of us there really early for our meeting so we waited in the hallway when we saw Don Beyer walking towards us. He said hello to us and we told him we would be in soon! 

This is our group for Don Beyer. Obviously geography helps for our group to be so big but I think its important for our Congressmen and women to see the people who are facing the issues they are representing us on. We all crowded into his office- his staff was so accommodating of us. He saw on his desk and listened to all of our issues. It was nice to talk to him personally. I wish I could have asked him more questions but we stuck to the issues! 

George and I with our Rep. Don Beyer. He is such a kind man. It was helpful to talk to 3 democrats about the issues we wanted to discuss because they all were very supportive. 

After our meetings there was a reception with some snacks and drinks. We filled out our form about the day and then I pretended like I was in a House of Representatives committee. I think I fit right in! 

We cut out of the reception a little early to make our way back to Arlington- but not before a selfie with the Capitol. 

Gorgeous inside and out!

I don't know how accurate this is because its from George's iPhone but I think it was pretty close. If you are going to a day at the Capitol be prepared for a lot of stairs and steps! 

One think we were totally unprepared for was the dogs we say in the House! We were walking down one hallway, I looked down an adjacent hall and saw a girl throwing a ball to her dog. Like the size of Bailey! And then after our Don Beyer meeting we saw a man walking down the hall with his black lab puppy. I took a picture of him but sadly he was too wiggly and it didn't come out. His owner said that if the Rep you work for allows it then its okay- usually during recesses. The staffers do a lot of hard work for most of the year so I think its so cool they get to bring their dogs in when they have a little break! 

Overall I think Advocacy Day was a huge success. I am really glad we went. I hate that it takes something personally affecting you or someone close to you before you really start paying attention but we are here now and ready to continue fighting for this. I think people either forget or don't know that infertility is a medically diagnosed disease. It makes no sense that most insurances do not cover it.

I want to end this by saying a HUGE thank you to my husband George. He didn't really know what he was signing up for (oops!) but I told him it was important to me, and us, and he took the day off and went with me. I've heard awful stories of husbands and wives who don't make it through cancer diagnosis or infertility. Not only has he always shown unwavering support of me and our family but he does it without complaint or asking "why me/us". He has been my rock, my cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on for the last 11 years. We never ever thought we would have to go anything like this, let alone so young and so early in our marriage but I think we have been even stronger together. There are times when I don't think I can go through this surrogacy stuff anymore but he continues to help me search for the light at the end of the tunnel. I could not have ever found a better partner for me through all of this or life in general. Again, thank you so much George- I love you forever and ever. 

Frustrated

I think I've used this title before. And I think it was the blog after I met with my first oncologist who told me I had to wait 3-5 years before I could try to get pregnant.

I'm really annoyed that we are at a standstill to have a baby. I'm feeling like my doctor's office doesn't even really want to help me. I'm sure that's not the case and I know he has a lot of patients BUT I want to be treated like I'm a priority. (side note- I was urgently calling all of my doctors 2 weeks ago to get a referral for physical therapy the day of my appointment because one of my doctors never sent it even though I gave them plenty of notice. I realized that once you are in remission you aren't so important anymore and it was nearly impossible. I think the original doctor I called sent it in but man- 2.5 years ago they all would have send it immediately- I guess it's a good thing to be unimportant in the cancer doctor world!).

Today I finally went in for my testing. I'll find out the results of the blood work next week. I had an ultrasound done and she saw 5 follicles on one side and 3 follicles on the other side. She said that was "good for someone who went through chemo". Of course afterwards I googled and apparently 5-10 follicles on each side is normal. So not too far off. I do have to say that it is REALLY hard to look at that ultrasound picture and see a blank screen. I've had more ultrasounds since being diagnosed than I ever had when I was pregnant with Mackenzie. And every time I see the blank screen it takes a minute to catch my breath.

Some days I really question if this is something I really want (and I'm sure George has those moments too). Do we really need another child? Isn't our life with Mackenzie good enough. It is. But then I think of a life without another child and I get teary eyed just thinking about it. We don't need to have another child to make our lives better or to have the life we want but we want a child in our family to bring even more joy and even more love.

I know part of the pain I am feeling is because I had cancer and I'll just never get over the destruction that caused in our lives. It should have gone away when all of the treatments stopped. But it doesn't. It is still effecting my life in a lot of ways. This one is certainly the hardest. Every month that goes by I recalculate how long until we could get a surrogate pregnant (usually takes about 4 months to get them through all of the testing, ect) then how long until the baby would be born and then how old Mackenzie will be. Each passing month it just feels more and more hopeless.

The other part of me is SO hopeful. I know if this is supposed to happen for us then it will. But we are just really tired of waiting and just really tired of feeling like the world is working against us. How unfair to have to keep being victimized by cancer over and over again. How unfair that there's no funding for people who had cancer to help them have a child. It's frustrating to navigate all of this blind.

We did find a really great lawyer. I spent about a half hour on the phone with her paralegal who went over EVERYTHING with me. The first lawyer I found was going to charge us a $350 an hour consultation fee so thank God we cancelled that appointment! But this firm is based out of Richmond and they have handled hundreds of surrogacy case. She told me lots of stories and gave me a lot of information about what to ask surrogates and things that are typically debated over in contracts. It put me a little at ease.

The other day I took Mackenzie to the bookstore and while she was looking at a couple books I walked around the kids section. A book called Wish {link to book trailer}caught my eye so I picked it up and read it. It was totally for me. All about how a couple of elephant parents are so hopeful to have a baby but are disappointed when it takes awhile. I almost bought it for myself. Having cancer was so lonely. Not because I wasn't supported. And not because I didn't have people around. It's just sometimes you feel or think things and feel like you can't say how you really feel. I think infertility is the same. Sometimes I really hate how it makes me feel- so sad, lonely, sometimes jealously. And really angry.

I'm hoping by next week when I finally get to talk to the fertility doctor we can start moving this along. I'm done waiting. I picture in my head what it will be like to tell Mackenzie she will be a big sister. She keeps saying "when I'm bigger then I'll be a sister". It's been really hard for all of us. And we are wishing for the wait to be over soon.

Year of the Baby

As usual I have started about 5 blogs and never finished them in the last couple months. Sometimes I just write out my feelings (usually negative feelings) and once I write them down I'm over it. So writing on here is still helpful to me even if no one else can read it.

Back to this blog....

On New Year's Eve, my husband and I were dismissed from work early and decided to have a lunch date before we picked up Mackenzie. We talked about 2014 and what we hoped for in 2015. We decided to call 2015- The Year of the Baby.

We have one egg. We are starting the process of turning that egg into an embryo and then go from there. The process is a little longer if you have intentions of using a surrogate- which we do. Although my oncologist said we could talk about me getting pregnant in 2 years (almost 2 years ago) I'm just not sure its a great idea. Also in my head "we can talk about" means she will say yes immediately. But again- I'm not sure that filling my body with the same hormones that fueled my cancer is such a great idea 2 years after finishing treatment. And the thought of not taking Tamoxifen anymore is terrifying.

So first we are going to try to get a surrogate pregnant. Also we need a surrogate. We don't have $25,000 to pay a stranger to take care of our child for nine months- nor do I trust a stranger, especially one that doesn't live near us, to be our surrogate. It's a lot to ask of anyone- which is why we haven't really asked anyone. We have joked about it with a couple friends and I have bluntly asked a couple people. I totally understand why anyone would say no. It is a HUGE commitment. It's not just being pregnant- its shots before hand, its disruptive to your life, it could be confusing to your friends and especially a small child. But we know there is one woman out there who has this in her heart to do for us. I think I have said this before but I also totally believe that this egg either will or will not become a baby. I don't think that it will matter WHO is carrying this child. If this egg is meant to turn into our child then it will. I don't think there is really anything that any surrogate could do differently than another that will change that.

If that doesn't work- again the chances of our 1 egg turning into an embryo and then turning into a baby isn't great- we have alternatives. I have been cleared to do another egg retrieval. There are several reasons why we aren't going to do another retrieval before we try with our one egg. Mostly cost. Also I'm still pissed about how that whole process went last time and I don't have a whole lot of faith in doing it again.

Obviously another option would be adoption. We have talked about adoption since we first went to the fertility doctor after I was diagnosed. I think about it a lot. But I haven't wrapped my head totally around it. Maybe if our one egg fails then we would think about it more seriously and start doing some research. The process and cost of adoption is very daunting. It doesn't really make sense to me that with so many kids needing to be adopted- especially in this country- that the cost is so high. And then you aren't even guaranteed the birth mom will go through with it all. Because we have done very little research on adoption maybe my numbers and facts are off but we will know more if/when we get to that stage.

This might come off sounding really rude but what we aren't looking for is personal opinions between adoption vs. fertility doctors, ect. Obviously some people might not agree with our choices and that's okay. We just don't really want to hear about it. We didn't CHOOSE to have our lives totally turned upside down by this stupid disease and I'm still not over now much my life is different than I imagined it just 3 short years ago. We have total faith that there is plan set out for us- we just don't know which path will lead us to a child.

Non-religious me has found a couple bible verses lately that have really stuck with me. When the lump was found I clung to- "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow..." (Matthew 6:34) and before my surgery I clung to- "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" (Hebrews 6:19). The anchor symbol has been showing up for me ever since. A couple months ago I was looking at Zulily and I saw a canvas with this- "And so it was that she having waited long and endured patiently realized and obtained what God had promised" (Hebrews 6:15) and I immediately bought it and its on our bookshelf in our living room. A couple days ago I was browsing through Instagram and I saw this verse- "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming" (Romans 8:18). So we are ready. We are ready to see what's next.

I made a promise to Mackenzie that she would be a big sister one day and we are going to work on fulfilling that promise. And maybe that sounds really crazy or naive to some people and that's okay. I have terrible guilt that she hasn't experience the joy of becoming a sister- something that we had planned from before she was even born. I can't even think about it without tearing up. Sure some kids are only kids and are fine. But we don't want that for our family. There is a hole in my heart that is waiting for my future child to fill it. I'm sure anyone who has gone through the experience of wanting a child and hasn't been able to have that child knows what that hole feels like. It hurts. It hurts immeasurably. And add to that pain the pain of your 5 year old asking you for a sibling, asking you WHEN they are going to get a sibling and drawing a baby in her pictures that she draws of our family. It's hard.

So we will see how this goes. I'm cautiously optimistic. I think about this baby every. single. day. And I know that I would be devastated if this egg doesn't become our baby BUT as we know from previous experience this family isn't going to give up easily.

Thanks as always for following along and praying for us and wishing us well. It has meant the world to know that so many people are behind us!