Four

Yesterday marked 4 years since I was diagnosed with cancer. I say this a lot but it feels like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time. July is a hard month for me. I spend a lot of time reflecting back to that coresponding day in 2012 and remember what I was doing and what that felt like. Surprisingly July 10th is a really hard day for me. That's the day I wish I could go back to. The day before the lump. Before cancer ever entered my world.

I know now that I am a million times stronger than I ever thought I was on July 10, 2012. And I know a lot more about myself, life and friendship then I did that day too. And although sometimes I get upset when I think people have forgotten all I've gone through I know for sure that my family is loved and will be cared for. 

I had a physical Friday. I realized last week that maybe having a physical in the office where my cancer was found the day before my cancerversary wasn't such a great idea. Last time I had a physical 4 years ago I walked out of that office with tears in my eyes- terrified of what this lump might be and hoping that my worst fears weren't coming true. Friday I walked out of that office with tears in my eyes- this time of pure joy. I'm healthy. Besides needing a little vitamin D, I am healthy. 

When you go through the worst time in your life it is amazing how everyone comes together around you. People you barely know, people who are your best friends, your family. Friends made us dinners, friends watched our pets, friends took us to lunch to get a break and most importantly to me, friends helped us keep Mackenzie's life as normal as possible. We can never thank you all enough. 

I'm so glad I wrote down everything I went through because I often find myself thinking "my mastectomy wasn't that bad" or "chemo wasn't that bad" and I will go back and read about it and be surprised at how much I've forgotten. I'll also remember how bad radiation was- it was the worst! 

I feel a little guilty for not having my fundraiser this year. I just needed a mental break I think. Looking for a surrogate takes up a lot of space in my brain. In a way I can thank cancer for teaching me that sometimes there's too much on your plate and it's okay to leave something off. I really do enjoy my fundraiser though so I am hoping that I can bring it back next year! Although I, of course, wish I never had cancer, the pink sisters I've gained from my association with The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves have been amazing. 

George and I decided since we weren't doing the fundraiser this year maybe we should get away for the night. Unfortunately when your cancerversary is in the summer every place books up fast or is SUPER expensive! And as much as I love the beach, thinking about all the traffic took that quickly off the list. We are so grateful to the Gan family for letting us use their country getaway for the night. I love city life but sometimes it is nice to break away from that and sit outside in the country and look at all the stars in silence. 

We spent the day getting massages, eating and gambling- a few of my favorite things (we were so glad my BFFL Min could join us for some gambling and dinner!). A lot of times things like a health crisis can strain relationships but I feel all of this has brought George and I closer. It was so hard for him to watch me go through all of this but he never showed me- he never left my side. I'm so grateful for him. 

Thank you for following along the last 4 years and standing by us as we have navigated this new life. We are so lucky to have so many friends and family around us! 

The Pink Tie Charity Ball

Saturday night I spent my Valentine's Day with George at the Pink Tie Charity Ball. This is the 2nd year in a row I attended and it was just as beautiful as last year.

We dropped off Mackenzie at my parents and checked into the Hilton where the ball was being held. Our room was HUGE! And the hotel was beautiful. 

We started the night in the Survivors VIP room which was a great place to meet or reconnect with other Bosom Buddies. 

Survivors in the VIP room (picture taken from Facebook)

The Ball is always beautifully put together. There were a couple speakers who gave their accounts of how cancer touched their lives. The III B's put together a very emotional video and after the video a man spoke about his aunt (who was featured in the video and had recently passed away). I wish I could rewatch the entire event because I loved everything he said. One thing he said that stuck with me was that cancer brings out who people really are- not just the person fighting it but everyone around them. He said a lot of beautiful things about his aunt. 

My Valentine and I

After dinner I knew that it would soon be time for the survivors to be called up on stage. I was mentally preparing myself when Karin and Carolyn got on stage and started talking about an award they were giving out and about how the woman they were giving the award to was a mom of a 5 year old little girl and how she has raised over $5,000 for The III B's Foundation. I looked around my table and I was like- "are they talking about me?!". And they were. I can't tell you anything else they said because I was so shocked that this was happening! I do remember at the end they said "and she went to RADFORD!" And everyone cheered! 

Carolyn, Karin & I

My award! 

If you know anything about me, then you know how much I hate to be the center of attention. So that's obviously not the reason that I do my Fund It Forward event every year. I do Fund It Forward because as I've been saying since I was diagnosed, I am the luckiest cancer patient survivor alive. I had so many people helping in so many ways I didn't even know I needed. That includes The III B's. Before I went into surgery, I received my beautiful basket. These women who put this basket together made it with so much love and they didn't even know me. They didn't know that particular basket was going to be going to me. But they still put everything they had into it.

I found this quote on Instagram this morning (below) and it really made me think of Carolyn. Carolyn and her girlfriends founded The III B's after Carolyn underwent a mastectomy and realized there were items that she needed after her surgery that she didn't know she would need. She could have just stopped there. She could have thought about how horrible it is for other women to go through surgery and not have those items and just moved on with her life. But she didn't. She kept going. She found a way to make The III B's happen so that no other woman would go home from surgery without all of the things they would need. But its so much more than just items in a basket. There is love in that basket. Going through surgery is so hard but to know that a stranger is thinking about you and cares for you is a great feeling. Especially at the start of your journey. 

 

One of the greatest gifts that Carolyn has given me beyond The III B's basket is getting to go to The Pink Tie ball and to continue to be involved with The III B's. After I received my award (I still cannot believe that happened), they started to call all of the survivors on stage. This part of the night is so magical to me. I hate that we were all touched by this stupid disease but I love that this year there were over FIFTY women that were called on stage. In the picture below we were all watching after Karin honored Carolyn because she is a survivor too! And she's the reason we are all at the ball together! There are women of all ages, some who just finished treatment, some who have been survivors for years. But we are all really strong women and it's overwhelming to be on the stage with all of these survivors while 400 people stand and cheer for you. I really hate that I had to have cancer but I always say that sometimes good things come from having cancer and being able to stand up with these women is one of them.  

(picture taken from Facebook)

After we were done on stage, we all went back stage to get ready for our FLASH MOB!! I was so excited because I've always wanted to be part of a flash mob! We danced to Beat It by Michael Jackson- because obviously- we beat it! It was so fun and I think everyone was really surprised! If someone adds a video to youtube I will add the link here. It was short but it was so awesome!

After that it was time for dancing and having a good night! We sat at the most fun table. I knew one couple because my mom and I saw with them last year- and actually Beth and I have talked a couple times before this years ball and I didn't even recognize her until I saw her with her husband! There were 8 of us total at our table and we all had such a fun night! George and I stayed until midnight!

I can't wait until next years Pink Tie Ball! And stay tuned for this years FUND IT FORWARD! Keep your calendars clear for July!!

It's July

It's July. I'm dreading this entire month. There are a lot of dates that mean a lot.

July 10th is my fantasy date- the last day before I went to the doctor and the lump was found. The day I dream about and wish I could go back to. The day my biggest worry was having my blood drawn. The day where my 2nd biggest worry was when I would get pregnant. It makes me a little sad because July 10th used to mean a lot more. It means my baby is a half year older and it was also her baptism day. Obviously those things are still relevant but now July 10th means something else too and I hate that it takes away from Mackenzie.

July 11th is lump day. I remember sitting in the office so vividly. I remember her in the middle of the breast exam tell me that I need to especially check the upper inner quadrant because that's where most cancer was found. And then it was. In the exact spot she said it would be. But I also remember being reassured that it was nothing and getting a mammogram was just a formality.

July 17th- REMISSION DAY!! Strangely this is the date I always have to look up. I can never remember which day I actually went into remission. Technically I was NED (no evidence of disease) on my mastectomy day but they can't tell you you are in remission until treatment is all over.

July 19th. One of the hardest days. Maybe even emotionally harder than the day I found out I had cancer. I went in to have a mammogram on my right side. Then the tech went to talk to the doctor. Then they did a mammogram on my left side "just to compare" (that should have been my clue). Then I waited and had the ultrasound done. I still laugh thinking that I should tell her (the dr) where the lump is. Obviously she could see it on my mammogram and went directly to that spot. And then the biopsy. I remember sitting in the waiting room trying not to ball my eyes out in my gown. Then I saw my mom walk back into the room and I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I just kept thinking- I'm half the age of everyone else and I'M the one that is having this happen. The biopsy wasn't painful just very strange. Plus when you hate medical stuff as much as I do it was hard because you are between the doctor and the tech. The tech is using an ultrasound machine with the screen on one side and the doctor is doing the biopsy on the other side. No where to look!

July 23rd. The day. I still can't think about it without tearing up. I still think that I cannot believe this happened to me. Sometimes it seems like it didn't happen. But of course there's the scars and short hair and lymphedema sleeve that remind me that it did. This year I decided to take the 23rd off work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do that day. Maybe nothing. But it needs to be acknowledged. It's kind of ironic because I was at work on the 23rd when I found out I had cancer. And I went to work the day after like nothing happened.

________________________________________________________________

There's a group I follow on Facebook called Stupid Cancer. They always post a picture that just says "Cancer is lonely". The first time I saw it it really made me think. Cancer is SO lonely. No one gets it. I don't really expect anyone to get it but just remember that it's not over. It will never be over. Just because I am in remission doesn't mean that these scars aren't real, that I don't have to think twice about every single pain I have and that the emotional toll isn't becoming much harder than the physical part ever was. I'm never going to get over this. Cancer will always be in my life. I wish it wasn't. And most days I don't think of it (except when I'm putting on my lymphedema sleeve) but there are still days when he pain and loneliness are hard to bare. And I don't mean lonely like there's no one around. For me loneliness is wanting to say things that shouldn't be said. Wanting someone to understand what I'm feeling. Wanting someone who lives with these scars and knows exactly what all of this entails. 

I know there are support groups, ect but honestly I'm not really interested. I was playing phone tag with a counselor at the hospital but I stopped because asking for help is a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I need to call her back. Especially this month. This Cancerversary feels harder than last year. And I still have 3 weeks to go. 

                    ________________________________________________________________

But this July 19th will be AWESOME because it will be the 2nd annual Kyle's Fund It Forward (link)! I'm so excited about it! Everything is starting to really fall into place. Of course if anyone has anything to donate for a raffle or knows anyone who would please let me know!! I am all ready having nightmares so I hope that means it will be very successful! I've been pleasantly surprised but the amazing raffle prizes donated so far! I'm so happy that I can give forward to these 2 charities that helped me out so much. It is very helpful to make me feel a purpose to all of this- especially this time of year.