Four

Yesterday marked 4 years since I was diagnosed with cancer. I say this a lot but it feels like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time. July is a hard month for me. I spend a lot of time reflecting back to that coresponding day in 2012 and remember what I was doing and what that felt like. Surprisingly July 10th is a really hard day for me. That's the day I wish I could go back to. The day before the lump. Before cancer ever entered my world.

I know now that I am a million times stronger than I ever thought I was on July 10, 2012. And I know a lot more about myself, life and friendship then I did that day too. And although sometimes I get upset when I think people have forgotten all I've gone through I know for sure that my family is loved and will be cared for. 

I had a physical Friday. I realized last week that maybe having a physical in the office where my cancer was found the day before my cancerversary wasn't such a great idea. Last time I had a physical 4 years ago I walked out of that office with tears in my eyes- terrified of what this lump might be and hoping that my worst fears weren't coming true. Friday I walked out of that office with tears in my eyes- this time of pure joy. I'm healthy. Besides needing a little vitamin D, I am healthy. 

When you go through the worst time in your life it is amazing how everyone comes together around you. People you barely know, people who are your best friends, your family. Friends made us dinners, friends watched our pets, friends took us to lunch to get a break and most importantly to me, friends helped us keep Mackenzie's life as normal as possible. We can never thank you all enough. 

I'm so glad I wrote down everything I went through because I often find myself thinking "my mastectomy wasn't that bad" or "chemo wasn't that bad" and I will go back and read about it and be surprised at how much I've forgotten. I'll also remember how bad radiation was- it was the worst! 

I feel a little guilty for not having my fundraiser this year. I just needed a mental break I think. Looking for a surrogate takes up a lot of space in my brain. In a way I can thank cancer for teaching me that sometimes there's too much on your plate and it's okay to leave something off. I really do enjoy my fundraiser though so I am hoping that I can bring it back next year! Although I, of course, wish I never had cancer, the pink sisters I've gained from my association with The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves have been amazing. 

George and I decided since we weren't doing the fundraiser this year maybe we should get away for the night. Unfortunately when your cancerversary is in the summer every place books up fast or is SUPER expensive! And as much as I love the beach, thinking about all the traffic took that quickly off the list. We are so grateful to the Gan family for letting us use their country getaway for the night. I love city life but sometimes it is nice to break away from that and sit outside in the country and look at all the stars in silence. 

We spent the day getting massages, eating and gambling- a few of my favorite things (we were so glad my BFFL Min could join us for some gambling and dinner!). A lot of times things like a health crisis can strain relationships but I feel all of this has brought George and I closer. It was so hard for him to watch me go through all of this but he never showed me- he never left my side. I'm so grateful for him. 

Thank you for following along the last 4 years and standing by us as we have navigated this new life. We are so lucky to have so many friends and family around us! 

THREE YEARS

How does 3 years go so fast and so slow at the same time? I can still picture myself- sitting in my office- when my phone rang and I knew at that moment that I had cancer. Some days I think- how did this happen to me. I call them my Nancy Kerrigan moments- why me? why now? I feel a little guilty in those moments because then I always think- why not me. Who else should this have happened to if not me?

I wish this never happened to me. That's obvious. But it did. And although sometimes the emotions of it are right at the surface mostly it's just a little blip in my life that happened 3 years ago. Someone asked me the other day how I handled emotionally being told I had cancer. And I answered like I've answered it for the last 3 years- I have no idea. You just do. There is no choice. You push through it until it's over.

I realized this morning that it was the 23rd (although I've been preparing for it all week) and I just kept thinking about like going to chemo, getting radiation and everything that went along with having cancer and I just started crying. Then I'm thinking- don't cry before work! You're going I ruin your makeup! Haha whatever makes the crying stop I guess. But I realized that July 23 has really turned into a day of celebration. And as it should I think. It's been 3 years but I'm here and I'm happy and healthy and that's most important! 

I picked Mackenzie up and we went to Crystal City and had dinner at Ted's Montana Grill and then got milkshakes at Cold Stone (just like we did last year). We took our milkshakes to Gravelly Point and watched the airplanes. Although it's so loud every couple of minutes while the airplanes land or take off it is so peaceful there. There's water and fields and it's just such a calm place to be. And tonight the sky was SO blue and not a cloud in the sky! 

It's been a crazy ride the last 3 years. I've learned a lot of medical things I never wanted to learn but I've also learned a lot about myself. I wish I could have learned all of these lessons another way but I know today that I am I better person than I was 3 years ago. And I know that I have the best friends and family in the whole world. 

In 2 days we are having my THIRD annual Fund It Forward and I'm so excited! I love that from this experience I have gained a ton of friends and experiences that I never would have of I wasn't diagnosed. I hope you can come but if not I hope you will donate. The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves does such great work for so many men and women diagnosed with cancer. The link to donate is on the sidebar of this blog. 

As always I could have never gotten through this without all of your support! Thanks for sticking by me for the last 3 years! 

Fund It Forward 2015

I'm so excited we are having our THIRD annual Fund It Forward event on July 25! I cannot believe this will be the 3rd one. I remember trying to plan the first one and just hoping that someone would show up or donate ANY money at all! It's daunting to tell a charity you are raising money for them. But you all showed up- in a big way. And again last year as well.

So of course I want this year to be even more successful than ever before! That's why I want to explain why this event and these 2 charities are so important to me.

Almost 3 years ago I was a 28 year old wife and mother of a 2.5 year old, enjoying the summer. We were so busy with work and raising our child and keeping our house together and play dates (for us and Mackenzie!) and everything that comes with being a working parent- or just an adult really. But we knew that we were ready to expand our family so because Mackenzie was premature without a reason we decided I should get a physical done. I was so terrified of having my blood drawn (that still makes me laugh- I can't count how many times I've had my blood drawn since) and that's all I was thinking about in the days leading up to July 11th.

But then my world came crashing down. I'm not sure many of you really understand how earth shattering this really was. I know that everyone goes through moments in their life that are challenging and that feel really hard- and I know they are- I've been through plenty. But people die from cancer every single day. And on July 23rd (well from July 11-October when I had my scans done) I thought I might be one of those people. I mean if we are being honest I still could.

Then during that time when your whole world is torn apart, when it feels like nothing will ever be right again people step up. People you love and who love you, new friends, old friends and strangers. No one at The III B's Foundation knew who I was when they dropped off baskets at Virginia Hospital Center. No one at Good Wishes knew who I was as they were ordering fabrics and sewing beautiful scarves together. But all of these people surrounded us and got us through this horrible ordeal. Without us having to say a word. All of these wonderful things just happened.

Even though I had cancer. And had body parts amputated. And put poison in my body. And had my skin burned off. I will NEVER EVER forget those moments when people who loved me and strangers came to my side and carried me through it.

I can't tell you how surprised I was when the staff from the hospital walked into my pre-op room on September 18th with a GIANT basket full of goodies. I couldn't even see how many items were in there because there was just SO much. And there are a lot of items I still use (the stuffed bear still helps me sleep) and a lot of things I didn't think to get (a loofah with a long handle because I couldn't raise my arms). I'm sure when Carolyn started The III B's Foundation she thought about those moments when her family and friends carried her through.

I found Good Wishes through my search of free stuff for cancer patients. To be honest I didn't really know if they would send me anything or not. I applied and picked the scarf I wanted and waited. I applied for a lot of free hats and I never heard back from any others. I received my scarf in December when I was all ready bald. To my surprise the package not only held my scarf but also a card that was signed by EVERY member of the office. And it was personalized. And not only that, every scarf they send out they put the persons name that is receiving the scarf on their wall in the office so they can remember all the scarves sent out.

Since last year's Fund It Forward I was invited by Good Wishes to travel to NYC to film a news segment talking about Good Wishes to CBS which was a lot of fun. And in February my husband and I attended The III B's Pink Tie Charity Ball where I received an award for my fundraising. Being able to meet other women on different stages of this journey but who are brought together because of the these 2 charities has been incredible.

To me- Fund It Forward is and never was about any recognition for myself- but only to get The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves more recognition (and MONEY!!). I wish that neither of these organizations had to exist. I wish they could figure this cancer thing out and no one else would ever be diagnosed- but until that day both of these organizations will keep lifting peoples spirits- one basket and one scarf at a time.

I hope you all can make it! And if you can't make it I hope you will consider a donation CLICK HERE TO DONATE (or click on the link on the top right). Every tiny bit counts and even $5 is $5 more than we would have without your donation. If this money we raise can just help a couple women to feel a little loved while going through treatment then we have had a successful fundraiser!

It's July

It's July. I'm dreading this entire month. There are a lot of dates that mean a lot.

July 10th is my fantasy date- the last day before I went to the doctor and the lump was found. The day I dream about and wish I could go back to. The day my biggest worry was having my blood drawn. The day where my 2nd biggest worry was when I would get pregnant. It makes me a little sad because July 10th used to mean a lot more. It means my baby is a half year older and it was also her baptism day. Obviously those things are still relevant but now July 10th means something else too and I hate that it takes away from Mackenzie.

July 11th is lump day. I remember sitting in the office so vividly. I remember her in the middle of the breast exam tell me that I need to especially check the upper inner quadrant because that's where most cancer was found. And then it was. In the exact spot she said it would be. But I also remember being reassured that it was nothing and getting a mammogram was just a formality.

July 17th- REMISSION DAY!! Strangely this is the date I always have to look up. I can never remember which day I actually went into remission. Technically I was NED (no evidence of disease) on my mastectomy day but they can't tell you you are in remission until treatment is all over.

July 19th. One of the hardest days. Maybe even emotionally harder than the day I found out I had cancer. I went in to have a mammogram on my right side. Then the tech went to talk to the doctor. Then they did a mammogram on my left side "just to compare" (that should have been my clue). Then I waited and had the ultrasound done. I still laugh thinking that I should tell her (the dr) where the lump is. Obviously she could see it on my mammogram and went directly to that spot. And then the biopsy. I remember sitting in the waiting room trying not to ball my eyes out in my gown. Then I saw my mom walk back into the room and I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I just kept thinking- I'm half the age of everyone else and I'M the one that is having this happen. The biopsy wasn't painful just very strange. Plus when you hate medical stuff as much as I do it was hard because you are between the doctor and the tech. The tech is using an ultrasound machine with the screen on one side and the doctor is doing the biopsy on the other side. No where to look!

July 23rd. The day. I still can't think about it without tearing up. I still think that I cannot believe this happened to me. Sometimes it seems like it didn't happen. But of course there's the scars and short hair and lymphedema sleeve that remind me that it did. This year I decided to take the 23rd off work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do that day. Maybe nothing. But it needs to be acknowledged. It's kind of ironic because I was at work on the 23rd when I found out I had cancer. And I went to work the day after like nothing happened.

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There's a group I follow on Facebook called Stupid Cancer. They always post a picture that just says "Cancer is lonely". The first time I saw it it really made me think. Cancer is SO lonely. No one gets it. I don't really expect anyone to get it but just remember that it's not over. It will never be over. Just because I am in remission doesn't mean that these scars aren't real, that I don't have to think twice about every single pain I have and that the emotional toll isn't becoming much harder than the physical part ever was. I'm never going to get over this. Cancer will always be in my life. I wish it wasn't. And most days I don't think of it (except when I'm putting on my lymphedema sleeve) but there are still days when he pain and loneliness are hard to bare. And I don't mean lonely like there's no one around. For me loneliness is wanting to say things that shouldn't be said. Wanting someone to understand what I'm feeling. Wanting someone who lives with these scars and knows exactly what all of this entails. 

I know there are support groups, ect but honestly I'm not really interested. I was playing phone tag with a counselor at the hospital but I stopped because asking for help is a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I need to call her back. Especially this month. This Cancerversary feels harder than last year. And I still have 3 weeks to go. 

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But this July 19th will be AWESOME because it will be the 2nd annual Kyle's Fund It Forward (link)! I'm so excited about it! Everything is starting to really fall into place. Of course if anyone has anything to donate for a raffle or knows anyone who would please let me know!! I am all ready having nightmares so I hope that means it will be very successful! I've been pleasantly surprised but the amazing raffle prizes donated so far! I'm so happy that I can give forward to these 2 charities that helped me out so much. It is very helpful to make me feel a purpose to all of this- especially this time of year.