Four

Yesterday marked 4 years since I was diagnosed with cancer. I say this a lot but it feels like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time. July is a hard month for me. I spend a lot of time reflecting back to that coresponding day in 2012 and remember what I was doing and what that felt like. Surprisingly July 10th is a really hard day for me. That's the day I wish I could go back to. The day before the lump. Before cancer ever entered my world.

I know now that I am a million times stronger than I ever thought I was on July 10, 2012. And I know a lot more about myself, life and friendship then I did that day too. And although sometimes I get upset when I think people have forgotten all I've gone through I know for sure that my family is loved and will be cared for. 

I had a physical Friday. I realized last week that maybe having a physical in the office where my cancer was found the day before my cancerversary wasn't such a great idea. Last time I had a physical 4 years ago I walked out of that office with tears in my eyes- terrified of what this lump might be and hoping that my worst fears weren't coming true. Friday I walked out of that office with tears in my eyes- this time of pure joy. I'm healthy. Besides needing a little vitamin D, I am healthy. 

When you go through the worst time in your life it is amazing how everyone comes together around you. People you barely know, people who are your best friends, your family. Friends made us dinners, friends watched our pets, friends took us to lunch to get a break and most importantly to me, friends helped us keep Mackenzie's life as normal as possible. We can never thank you all enough. 

I'm so glad I wrote down everything I went through because I often find myself thinking "my mastectomy wasn't that bad" or "chemo wasn't that bad" and I will go back and read about it and be surprised at how much I've forgotten. I'll also remember how bad radiation was- it was the worst! 

I feel a little guilty for not having my fundraiser this year. I just needed a mental break I think. Looking for a surrogate takes up a lot of space in my brain. In a way I can thank cancer for teaching me that sometimes there's too much on your plate and it's okay to leave something off. I really do enjoy my fundraiser though so I am hoping that I can bring it back next year! Although I, of course, wish I never had cancer, the pink sisters I've gained from my association with The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves have been amazing. 

George and I decided since we weren't doing the fundraiser this year maybe we should get away for the night. Unfortunately when your cancerversary is in the summer every place books up fast or is SUPER expensive! And as much as I love the beach, thinking about all the traffic took that quickly off the list. We are so grateful to the Gan family for letting us use their country getaway for the night. I love city life but sometimes it is nice to break away from that and sit outside in the country and look at all the stars in silence. 

We spent the day getting massages, eating and gambling- a few of my favorite things (we were so glad my BFFL Min could join us for some gambling and dinner!). A lot of times things like a health crisis can strain relationships but I feel all of this has brought George and I closer. It was so hard for him to watch me go through all of this but he never showed me- he never left my side. I'm so grateful for him. 

Thank you for following along the last 4 years and standing by us as we have navigated this new life. We are so lucky to have so many friends and family around us! 

Reconstruction

Yesterday I had my reconstruction surgery that I've put off for more than 2 years. For the last week or so I have been SO nervous. Last time I had surgery I received bad news after so I think that's why I was so nervous. Also just being under general anesthesia is scary.

Mackenzie spent the night at my parents house Sunday night and we kept her out of school Monday. After we dropped her off (she asked us when we were leaving like 10 times) we went out to dinner and I ate almost 2 pounds of crab legs. So delicious! 

George and I got to the hospital at 6 am and checked in. Then the nurse called us back. I was trying to remember which room I was in last time for my surgery but there's so many pre-op rooms. My nurse was really nice and for my gown and socks and I changed. Then it was IV time! Luckily the nurse was able to place an IV on the first try as opposed to last time where it took two. 

I knew from my mastectomy that time would start going faster and faster. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me a bunch of questions and another nurse came in and gave me a patch on my neck for nausea. Then my plastic surgeon came in and drew on me- I guess to make sure I'm symmetrical. I knew from my last surgery that the when the nurse anesthetist came in I was about to go into surgery. She gave me some good meds through my IV, I kissed George goodbye and I was wheeled into the operating room. The last thing I remember was them moving my arms on the operating table and then I woke up in recovery. 

I think recovery at the hospital was easier because it was like 10am and not 8pm like last time. I think we were home around 12. I did feel nauseous when I was being wheeled to the car but I didn't get sick. I ate a lot of crackers and drank a lot of water and ginger ale and I felt much better. 

I'm really sore still. As long as I don't move I usually feel fine. I try to not take too much pain medicine but I do take it when I'm feeling extra sore. I haven't really had any pain so that's good. 

I'm glad this is over with. I should have done it 2 years ago but oh well. And I picked a great time because my surgeon is moving at the end of the year and I would hated to have someone else do it. My surgeon is such a nice guy and so calming so I'm sad that he is moving.

Now that this is over we are going to get back to finding a surrogate. We have a little more to fill out for our attorneys matching program and I'm on 2 Facebook message boards to try to match with a surrogate. We still are hoping that we can have a friend as our surrogate but at this point as long as we find a good match that is close by we will be happy! 

THREE YEARS

How does 3 years go so fast and so slow at the same time? I can still picture myself- sitting in my office- when my phone rang and I knew at that moment that I had cancer. Some days I think- how did this happen to me. I call them my Nancy Kerrigan moments- why me? why now? I feel a little guilty in those moments because then I always think- why not me. Who else should this have happened to if not me?

I wish this never happened to me. That's obvious. But it did. And although sometimes the emotions of it are right at the surface mostly it's just a little blip in my life that happened 3 years ago. Someone asked me the other day how I handled emotionally being told I had cancer. And I answered like I've answered it for the last 3 years- I have no idea. You just do. There is no choice. You push through it until it's over.

I realized this morning that it was the 23rd (although I've been preparing for it all week) and I just kept thinking about like going to chemo, getting radiation and everything that went along with having cancer and I just started crying. Then I'm thinking- don't cry before work! You're going I ruin your makeup! Haha whatever makes the crying stop I guess. But I realized that July 23 has really turned into a day of celebration. And as it should I think. It's been 3 years but I'm here and I'm happy and healthy and that's most important! 

I picked Mackenzie up and we went to Crystal City and had dinner at Ted's Montana Grill and then got milkshakes at Cold Stone (just like we did last year). We took our milkshakes to Gravelly Point and watched the airplanes. Although it's so loud every couple of minutes while the airplanes land or take off it is so peaceful there. There's water and fields and it's just such a calm place to be. And tonight the sky was SO blue and not a cloud in the sky! 

It's been a crazy ride the last 3 years. I've learned a lot of medical things I never wanted to learn but I've also learned a lot about myself. I wish I could have learned all of these lessons another way but I know today that I am I better person than I was 3 years ago. And I know that I have the best friends and family in the whole world. 

In 2 days we are having my THIRD annual Fund It Forward and I'm so excited! I love that from this experience I have gained a ton of friends and experiences that I never would have of I wasn't diagnosed. I hope you can come but if not I hope you will donate. The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves does such great work for so many men and women diagnosed with cancer. The link to donate is on the sidebar of this blog. 

As always I could have never gotten through this without all of your support! Thanks for sticking by me for the last 3 years! 

Fund It Forward 2015

I'm so excited we are having our THIRD annual Fund It Forward event on July 25! I cannot believe this will be the 3rd one. I remember trying to plan the first one and just hoping that someone would show up or donate ANY money at all! It's daunting to tell a charity you are raising money for them. But you all showed up- in a big way. And again last year as well.

So of course I want this year to be even more successful than ever before! That's why I want to explain why this event and these 2 charities are so important to me.

Almost 3 years ago I was a 28 year old wife and mother of a 2.5 year old, enjoying the summer. We were so busy with work and raising our child and keeping our house together and play dates (for us and Mackenzie!) and everything that comes with being a working parent- or just an adult really. But we knew that we were ready to expand our family so because Mackenzie was premature without a reason we decided I should get a physical done. I was so terrified of having my blood drawn (that still makes me laugh- I can't count how many times I've had my blood drawn since) and that's all I was thinking about in the days leading up to July 11th.

But then my world came crashing down. I'm not sure many of you really understand how earth shattering this really was. I know that everyone goes through moments in their life that are challenging and that feel really hard- and I know they are- I've been through plenty. But people die from cancer every single day. And on July 23rd (well from July 11-October when I had my scans done) I thought I might be one of those people. I mean if we are being honest I still could.

Then during that time when your whole world is torn apart, when it feels like nothing will ever be right again people step up. People you love and who love you, new friends, old friends and strangers. No one at The III B's Foundation knew who I was when they dropped off baskets at Virginia Hospital Center. No one at Good Wishes knew who I was as they were ordering fabrics and sewing beautiful scarves together. But all of these people surrounded us and got us through this horrible ordeal. Without us having to say a word. All of these wonderful things just happened.

Even though I had cancer. And had body parts amputated. And put poison in my body. And had my skin burned off. I will NEVER EVER forget those moments when people who loved me and strangers came to my side and carried me through it.

I can't tell you how surprised I was when the staff from the hospital walked into my pre-op room on September 18th with a GIANT basket full of goodies. I couldn't even see how many items were in there because there was just SO much. And there are a lot of items I still use (the stuffed bear still helps me sleep) and a lot of things I didn't think to get (a loofah with a long handle because I couldn't raise my arms). I'm sure when Carolyn started The III B's Foundation she thought about those moments when her family and friends carried her through.

I found Good Wishes through my search of free stuff for cancer patients. To be honest I didn't really know if they would send me anything or not. I applied and picked the scarf I wanted and waited. I applied for a lot of free hats and I never heard back from any others. I received my scarf in December when I was all ready bald. To my surprise the package not only held my scarf but also a card that was signed by EVERY member of the office. And it was personalized. And not only that, every scarf they send out they put the persons name that is receiving the scarf on their wall in the office so they can remember all the scarves sent out.

Since last year's Fund It Forward I was invited by Good Wishes to travel to NYC to film a news segment talking about Good Wishes to CBS which was a lot of fun. And in February my husband and I attended The III B's Pink Tie Charity Ball where I received an award for my fundraising. Being able to meet other women on different stages of this journey but who are brought together because of the these 2 charities has been incredible.

To me- Fund It Forward is and never was about any recognition for myself- but only to get The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves more recognition (and MONEY!!). I wish that neither of these organizations had to exist. I wish they could figure this cancer thing out and no one else would ever be diagnosed- but until that day both of these organizations will keep lifting peoples spirits- one basket and one scarf at a time.

I hope you all can make it! And if you can't make it I hope you will consider a donation CLICK HERE TO DONATE (or click on the link on the top right). Every tiny bit counts and even $5 is $5 more than we would have without your donation. If this money we raise can just help a couple women to feel a little loved while going through treatment then we have had a successful fundraiser!

Another cancerversary

Ugh I'm so upset with myself that its been 2 months since I last updated. I have a few saved drafts that I started and never published. I don't know why I never publish them. Usually I write them then want to look over them again later and then I forget.

Anyway, today is another cancerversary for me. Its the day that I shaved my head a year ago.

Losing my hair was one of the scariest things about doing chemo for me. Especially after I made it through my first chemo pretty well. I think everyone with cancer goes through this short period of thinking that they'll be the ONLY one that doesn't loose their hair. But I remember waking up the Wednesday before I shaved my head pulling out clumps of hair. Even kids at Mackenzie's daycare noticed.

December 1, 2012 before head shaving. Picture by Christy Jewell Photography

I always identified as a red head and I didn't know how to be anything but that. I was glad that I was able to make it through that day without tears and to realize that I am me and it doesn't matter what hair color I have. That being said, I HATE my hair right now. I don't even know whats going on with it. I wet it and brush it in the morning and then thats it. I don't really think about it the rest of the day. I miss long hair a lot. I miss brushing it off my shoulders or putting it in a pony tail. We have all these pictures around the house and I feel like that's not me anymore. Its not good or bad. It is what it is. But I miss it. I know its growing back (very slowly it seems) but I just wish like once you got the all clear you just got your hair back! Fairs fair!

I've been doing all right mentally lately. I'm sure people think once you hear the words remission it all just goes away. It seems that it is almost harder to deal with after you hear you are in remission, for me at least. I don't have the adrenaline pumping through my veins anymore and now I have to really feel every emotion I was running over last year. I had an appointment the end of October with the nurse practitioner about "survivorship". We went over everything that happened from the day the tumor was found until I finished radiation and talked about future. It was a good appointment. I had a lot of questions I was afraid to ask answered to my satisfaction. I got a paper that has everything in it that I can give to my future doctors which will be so helpful to me.

We also got our rent letter for our one little frozen egg. I immediately broke into tears. I have such a hard time with that little egg. I am dying to see if it would become a baby. But its an expensive experiment. Not to mention I would need a carrier for our little baby. Its upsetting because its all so expensive and I feel like they just take advantage for people who are so vulnerable. But that little egg is our very last hope. So if in 1 year and 9 months we can't get pregnant on our own that little egg is our only chance. Its a lot of pressure for a little egg. On the other hand, we might get pregnant right away and not need that little egg. But I'm glad its there. As my nurse practitioner keeps reminding me, its not the quantity its the quality. So I'm choosing to believe we have a very strong little egg. I mean it is part of me right??

Oh and how could I forget. Last month I turned THIRTY!! I am loving it. Its weird to say still but anytime someone says "29 again" I always say "nope, I'm 30!". I earned this age! Plus 30 is going to be an age that I don't have cancer so I'm really happy about that. 28 & 29 are always going to be associated with cancer so 30 and 2014 are going to be cancer free!! I'm hoping that I will be writing more often. It really is therapeutic for me to write down how I feel still. Thanks again for sticking by me this last year!!

1 year after surgery

I'm having a hard time believing that it has been an entire year since I was in surgery. When I finally realized the date and looked at the time it was about 2:30 and I was thinking- wow 1 year ago they were just really getting started. And at this time I was just starting to wake up from anesthesia.

This anniversary has been even harder on me than my "cancerversary" because it sets up all the rest of the anniversaries I have to hit in the next couple months. Before surgery everyone was thinking I would have stage I cancer and maybe have to do chemo. After surgery it all turned out so much worse that I ever could have imagined. I remember the nurse in pre-op asking me if I took some meds before I got there to calm me down because I was so calm before surgery. I didn't but I knew I was calm because I just needed to get the cancer out of me.

I struggle every day still with why this is happening to me. I'm not sure if everyone goes through this when they get a life threatening disease or go through a life threatening experience but its one of the hardest parts of dealing with it. I have so much anger to deal with that I'm not sure will ever go away and I hate it. I am so angry about what happened to me but I also get so angry every time I hear about someone else my age, or younger, who has to go through this.

I don't have cancer anymore but I still have to deal with the after effects of it. Every single day. I have to see all the scars that I have. From my port, my drains, my mastectomy. I have to take a pill every single day before I go to bed. I've never regretted or second guessed myself for having a bilateral mastectomy. I think its one of the best decisions I've made in my life. But I hate that I ever had to consider it.

The next couple months are going to be filled with a lot of appointments. I have a 6 month check up next week, plastic surgeon check up in November/December and then surgery in January, surgeon yearly check up in March and radiation oncologist check up in May. Luckily, if you can believe it, those are spaced out! Cancer doctors talk a lot about patients which is a good thing!

It was really nice to be able to go on vacation and not have to think about having surgery! That made this years vacation much more relaxing! I'll blog about vacation in the next couple of days. And by Saturday we should have everything mailed out from the fundraiser! (I know the fundraiser was a month ago but I kept the online fundraiser going for a couple extra weeks and then had to wait for the check). I'm so excited to share the totals with you soon!

Happy September!

I can't tell you all how incredibly thankful I am to see exactly how much money we raised. I kept postponing taking the online website down because everytime I would put something on facebook about it I would get more donations. So I thought, if people want to keep donating I'll let them!! All in all we raised over $3,000 to split between the 2 charities! I'm excited to send the money when I get the check from GoFundMe.

We were cleaning tonight because we are going to the beach and have to have a clean house for our house watcher (Thanks Laurie!) and I found a couple things from the past year and I got so sick to my stomach. I found the information from when I had my port placed and just to see the picture of the port and how they used it. I can't believe I had that thing in my for so long! I found my surgery discharge paperwork. Its been almost an entire year since my surgery. I kept the surgery paperwork but definitely tossed the port stuff. Its so gross!

I CANNOT wait to go to the beach this year. I need it this year even more than I did last year. This year I don't have to go to the beach knowing I'll soon have to face my WORST fears in life. This year I get to go knowing that all that is behind me and I can truly enjoy myself and relax. I get to enjoy those 7 days knowing that I kicked cancers ass and I have a lot to show for it.

I still sometimes talk/think about what happened thinking that it happened to someone else. How did all that happen to me? Everyday I still wish it never happened. I could have lived my whole life not knowing what any of that felt like. I can't always put a happy spin on it either. But I am kind of enjoying my role as the "expert". I really enjoy people asking me about cancer and sharing my experience. I really feel I have a lot to share with people who are going through this awful experience.

Today is September 1st and I decided that today is the day I start tamoxifen. I'm a little nervous because I don't know exactly how this drug will effect me and this will be the next 5-10 years of my life. I was going to start July 1st and August 1st but obviously that didn't happen. I just felt like my body needed a break from all these treatments. But now I'm ready to start getting this last piece over with. Plus if its going to keep stupid cancer from trying to grow again then I'm all for it!

And also this is the hair I'm dealing with. I HATE it so much. Look at the stupid little pieces on the sides in the picture on the right. What is even happening there?? It's so much harder to manage than super long hair. I'm not sure if I should cut it or just let it continue growing. I don't know whats happening. I'm excited that its growing. I'm not really excited that its still so dark. But I guess hair is hair and if I continue to hate it I can always dye it. Although I love that its like baby hair and hasn't been touched by a product or heat yet.