HELP NEEDED

I'm sure by now you all are aware that we want to have another child. Want isn't even a strong enough word. And by we I mean all three of us.

To increase our odds we have decided to do another egg retrieval. After all this time and being SO adamant about not doing another one it occurred to us that maybe we want more than 1 more child. And also we shouldn't put all of our hope into this one egg. Before we did the first retrieval, we were on the fence about it and even at one point had decided not to do it. But in the end we decided to do it because we knew that we would regret it if we didn't. Obviously the first egg retrieval went almost as bad as it could possibly go- we got one egg out of it. We were expecting at least 10. We had a phone appointment with my fertility doctor the other day that really helped us clear up what happened last time and how it will go moving forward. It was nice to hear from our doctor that last time he would have cancelled it if we weren't under the circumstances that we were under.

Its especially nerve wracking to do another retrieval knowing that it's after chemo and the per my blood work we have a "fair" chance of getting 5-10 eggs. There are 4 categories- Excellent, Good, Fair and Reduced. We are 1 number off having a reduced chance. So because we only got 1 egg last time we are obviously very worried about doing a retrieval again. I brought this up to my doctor and was encouraged by him and that he would up my doses of medication to try to stimulate more eggs. And this time we have the chance to stop a round and start over- a chance we didn't have last time.

The bottom line to all of this is that we need a SURROGATE. Like today. We need someone who is willing to give us this unselfish gift. It's a lot to deal with. There will be injections and ultrasounds and medical exams, psych exams and legal paperwork. But I know there is someone out there who has it in their heart to do this for us. Specifically my doctor would like us to find a surrogate who is in great health and has had a child/children. We know this person exists. Maybe it will take a little while to wrap your head around having a child for someone else and not getting to keep it after you give birth. But you're out there and we are ready when you are.

As you can imagine it's been super hard for us. It's like reliving the day I was told I had cancer all over again. For the last 3 years. For Mackenzie it is probably even harder because she doesn't really understand why we aren't having another baby today- she keeps saying to me- "maybe the baby is all ready in your belly". It's heartbreaking. She asks me to swaddle her baby doll every night and she holds her arms out like she would if she was going to hold a real baby and when I go check on her before I go to bed, she's still holding her baby Rose so carefully. For 3 years, I have thought about the moment that I would be able to tell her that she was going to be a big sister. Even before all of this cancer stuff. When we had planned to start trying to get pregnant. And for 3 years I have pictured the look on her face when she finally gets to meet her little brother or sister. We should be complaining about terrible two's right now but instead of getting pregnant in 2012 I was diagnosed with cancer. We think about this baby all the time. He/she has a name. Mackenzie talks about him or her (she prefers to have a sister obviously) and what they'll be like. We are ready.

Mackenzie holding her babies Rose and Annie.

I remember writing once in my blog that I can't really think about how me having cancer effects other members of my family and selfishly I do the same thing now about not being able to have a baby. When I first heard the doctor say it could be YEARS before we could start to even think about trying and then maybe it still wouldn't even going to be possible I almost told my husband to leave me. He wouldn't have but I just felt like I was ruining his life. We talk about all of this very matter of fact because otherwise I would just be a sobbing mess and we wouldn't be able to finish conversations. It is so selfish but I do my best to not think about how this effects them. I know how it effects George but to think about how it effects Mackenzie is devastating.

Mackenzie's drawing of our family including our future baby (and my long hair)

I don't even know how many embryo's we will end up with. They will all be tested and hopefully that will improve our chances of having a baby. It's not going to be easy- for us or our surrogate and her family but I know that you are out there. There are a lot of resources online but also please don't hesitate to reach out to us. We have a lawyer you can talk to as well as my fertility doctor if you have ANY questions. This will be a long process until our surrogate actually gets embryo's implanted and there is a chance to bail each step of the way. I can assure you that it won't alter our friendship or how we feel about you. Knowing that there is someone out there who would even let being our surrogate cross their mind for a minute gives us even the slightest hope.