We went through the beginning chats about our beliefs and I sent her my blog and we agreed to everything. It was all very easy. At first I was a little nervous because everything with the scammer that tried to match with us a couple of months ago was easy too- well more like she was just 100% agreeable but after talking with this potential surrogate everyday I realized shes just a really nice person. We finally decided that it was time to see if she would be cleared by my doctor and move along.
She lives in a different state which I was concerned about at first but it is within driving distance (8 hours) so I felt better about that. Plus my doctors office said she would only have to come up here twice which I felt a lot better about because that saves a lot of money!
Yesterday she had a phone appointment with my fertility doctors office and that seemed to go well. They said they had to review the paperwork and they would get back to us. But they also scheduled her a phone appointment with my doctor so we were both excited about that.
I do have to say that although we try really hard not to be, its hard for George and I to not get excited. To think about when the transfer would be and then what the due date would be, when we would be able to tell Mackenzie, and all of the stuff that goes along with a pregnancy. It has been fun imagining all the scenarios and thinking of fun things like a transfer present and birth present for our potential surrogate.
I do have to say that although we try really hard not to be, its hard for George and I to not get excited. To think about when the transfer would be and then what the due date would be, when we would be able to tell Mackenzie, and all of the stuff that goes along with a pregnancy. It has been fun imagining all the scenarios and thinking of fun things like a transfer present and birth present for our potential surrogate.
Tonight my doctor called personally to tell me that he was medically denying her. It's not because of anything she did- in fact it was very much out of her control but she was denied nonetheless.
I was sitting on the basement stairs while I talked to my doctor and Mackenzie was watching tv in the living room. I was totally calm while talking to my doctor and actually really, really appreciated that he called personally to explain everything to me. When I got off the phone I just sat silently on the steps and cried, being very careful not to be heard. I couldn't imagine what I could have told Mackenzie in that moment.
I'm at a point now of anger and disappointment that I'm not sure how to get out of. Part of me just wants to give up. Actually most of me wants to give up- we have no more options and I'm tired of this roller coaster. I really wish we knew someone who lived near us who was willing to be our surrogate but after a year of asking it is becoming clear that we will have to use a stranger. And then go through all of this again- hope they aren't a crazy person just in it for money, hope they don't want a ton of money, hope they have insurance that covers their surrogate pregnancy, hope that my doctor clears them, hope we all get psychologically cleared, hope that we agree to a contract, hope that the transfer takes and then hope a healthy baby is born.
I'm ready to take a break I think. Although I hate to say that because I feel like it means we aren't going to keep looking. I just can't keep actively looking all the time. It is stressful to watch for how many likes, views or shares my surrogacy posts get. I think about the quote below often and I keep putting our need for a surrogate out into the universe and talk about it with people even though it might make us both uncomfortable but if I don't tell everyone about it how can we expect to find a surrogate?
I've said this before but it bears repeating- this is the worst thing we have ever been through. And I'm not trying to be dramatic about it. It is 100% worse then going through cancer treatments. At least then I had an end in sight. This is going on forever. In about 3 weeks it will be an entire year of looking for a surrogate and I just never imagined we wouldn't have a baby on the way by now. I wish we were stressing about finding space for baby things and paying for daycare but we aren't. I would love to be sleep deprived, listening to arguing children and changing diapers but we aren't.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts as we struggle through this incredibly difficult time in our lives. The ironic part of it all is that George and I feel like we are actually better than ever in our relationship because of all of this which is great. I can't imagine going through all of this with anyone else by my side.
I'm ready to take a break I think. Although I hate to say that because I feel like it means we aren't going to keep looking. I just can't keep actively looking all the time. It is stressful to watch for how many likes, views or shares my surrogacy posts get. I think about the quote below often and I keep putting our need for a surrogate out into the universe and talk about it with people even though it might make us both uncomfortable but if I don't tell everyone about it how can we expect to find a surrogate?
I've said this before but it bears repeating- this is the worst thing we have ever been through. And I'm not trying to be dramatic about it. It is 100% worse then going through cancer treatments. At least then I had an end in sight. This is going on forever. In about 3 weeks it will be an entire year of looking for a surrogate and I just never imagined we wouldn't have a baby on the way by now. I wish we were stressing about finding space for baby things and paying for daycare but we aren't. I would love to be sleep deprived, listening to arguing children and changing diapers but we aren't.
Please continue to keep us in your thoughts as we struggle through this incredibly difficult time in our lives. The ironic part of it all is that George and I feel like we are actually better than ever in our relationship because of all of this which is great. I can't imagine going through all of this with anyone else by my side.
