Bailey-
I don't know where to start. How do I sum up our lives together in one short blog post?
Photo credit: Dirty Paw Photography
You left us Friday. Its been terrible and lonely without you. It's so quiet. I do okay when I'm not at home. But I dread coming home. The thought of walking in the door and you're not there guts me. For 12 years you greeted me by standing up every time I walked into a room. And now there's nothing. Sometimes when I'm sitting on the couch I forget that you aren't laying behind me. You always laid near me but once you went deaf you usually laid between me and wherever I could possibly go so I couldn't sneak past you.
I've often told people that I think dogs choose us. Which is why I'm such a huge proponent of adoption. I volunteered at the SPCA in college because I knew I shouldn't have a dog. But one day I asked someone- I don't remember if she was staff or a volunteer- if there were other dogs there besides the ones available for adoption. She brought me in a room and there you were. I can remember your little scared face in the small cage so vividly. I went home and emailed the volunteer coordinator and asked if I could adopt you and he said you were all ready spoken for by the animal control officer that brought you in. I was so heartbroken. The next day he emailed me back and said that he was wrong about the animal control officer and I could bring you home the next day. Friday September 9, 2005.
I don't really believe in soul mates or love at first sight. But I believe in both with you. I remember thinking as I walked you out of the shelter for the first time- what am I doing? I've never even seen him out of a cage before! But it was meant to be. You were mine and I was yours and that was that. I always told people that you were my longest relationship. But I don't know if that word does it justice. Relationships are work. We never worked at our love. It just was. It was strong. It was beautiful. And it is never ending.
Photo credit: Dirty Paw Photography
When you woke me up Sunday morning panting so hard and pacing, I knew that you were trying to tell me that the end is near. We spent a lot of time at the vet Sunday and I was hoping that it wasn't anything too serious. With you- I always feared the worst. But this time it was serious. You had intestinal cancer that probably was spreading and growing larger. You were in pain. I didn't know on Sunday that Friday was going to be your last day. I was still hoping that we had a couple weeks left. But on Tuesday- after our gorgeous photo shoot with Dirty Paw Photography- you told me you were done. I held you and sobbed because although I knew you were telling me the right thing to do I just wasn't ready.
At the vet Sunday
I always thought that when you left us I would be a total disaster who couldn't leave the house for weeks and would just cry all day and night. That hasn't been the case so far. Obviously there are moments when I cry and I miss you every second of the day. But after the vet took you Friday we all were fine. And I was worried that there was something wrong with me. Did I really love you as much as I said I did? Am I just holding in all of these feelings and one day I'll just explode? And then it occurred to me. Maybe you took most of my sadness with you. You always did. You knew me so well. Whenever I was upset you would come over to me and put your head to mine and let my tears fall down your ears. You would lick my face and paw at me until I was distracted and totally focused on you. When you pawed at me as you were falling asleep for the last time- maybe you were telling me that you were taking my pain away.
Photo credit: Dirty Paw Photography
My friend told me that he believes that spirits come back to visit after they die to let you know they're okay. I believe that too. Dublin came to visit me in a dream after he died. Saturday we were driving on 66 and I looked over and there was a rainbow. It hadn't rained at all that day. Just a rainbow out of no where. I yelled ITS BAILEY!! And we all smiled because we knew that meant you had safely made it to the Rainbow Bridge and you would be waiting for us there. I love you for doing that for me.
Some of my favorite Bailey & Mackenzie pictures
I told George the other day that I really miss all the things that used to really annoy me! You had a knack for needing to go out as soon as I sat down to watch tv every night. I miss that we don't have to hid every tiny piece of food and we now have to pick up food when we drop it off the floor. I miss you barking at me every time I was in the kitchen because you were mad I wasn't giving you a treat. And you jumping and barking at me and Mackenzie whenever we would dance around the house. But mostly I just miss YOU.
Photo credit: Dirty Paw Photography
I wasn't looking for you but you found me. I am so grateful that we shared 12 years together. You were there for me for college graduation, buying a house, getting engaged, getting kittens, getting married, having a baby, having a baby who was sick, having a husband who was sick and when I needed you the most- when I had cancer. You went wherever I went and you let me hold you and cry and share all of my fears.
I hope that I did you proud. I hope that you had the best life you could have imagined. You have set the standard very high for our next dog but I know that your spirit will be there. Guiding us to him or her. Friday I read you my favorite poem- I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart). Please know that I will always have a Bailey shaped hole in my heart. And that I will carry a piece of you with me forever. You were a good boy- the BEST boy. And I love you with all of my being. It's hard to believe that it is all over. That you aren't just at your sitters house and you'll come home tomorrow.
I love you Bailey. Be a good boy. I'll see you at the Rainbow Bridge.
Photo credit: Dirty Paw Photography. Quote: Thom Jones
