The Pink Tie Charity Ball

Saturday night I spent my Valentine's Day with George at the Pink Tie Charity Ball. This is the 2nd year in a row I attended and it was just as beautiful as last year.

We dropped off Mackenzie at my parents and checked into the Hilton where the ball was being held. Our room was HUGE! And the hotel was beautiful. 

We started the night in the Survivors VIP room which was a great place to meet or reconnect with other Bosom Buddies. 

Survivors in the VIP room (picture taken from Facebook)

The Ball is always beautifully put together. There were a couple speakers who gave their accounts of how cancer touched their lives. The III B's put together a very emotional video and after the video a man spoke about his aunt (who was featured in the video and had recently passed away). I wish I could rewatch the entire event because I loved everything he said. One thing he said that stuck with me was that cancer brings out who people really are- not just the person fighting it but everyone around them. He said a lot of beautiful things about his aunt. 

My Valentine and I

After dinner I knew that it would soon be time for the survivors to be called up on stage. I was mentally preparing myself when Karin and Carolyn got on stage and started talking about an award they were giving out and about how the woman they were giving the award to was a mom of a 5 year old little girl and how she has raised over $5,000 for The III B's Foundation. I looked around my table and I was like- "are they talking about me?!". And they were. I can't tell you anything else they said because I was so shocked that this was happening! I do remember at the end they said "and she went to RADFORD!" And everyone cheered! 

Carolyn, Karin & I

My award! 

If you know anything about me, then you know how much I hate to be the center of attention. So that's obviously not the reason that I do my Fund It Forward event every year. I do Fund It Forward because as I've been saying since I was diagnosed, I am the luckiest cancer patient survivor alive. I had so many people helping in so many ways I didn't even know I needed. That includes The III B's. Before I went into surgery, I received my beautiful basket. These women who put this basket together made it with so much love and they didn't even know me. They didn't know that particular basket was going to be going to me. But they still put everything they had into it.

I found this quote on Instagram this morning (below) and it really made me think of Carolyn. Carolyn and her girlfriends founded The III B's after Carolyn underwent a mastectomy and realized there were items that she needed after her surgery that she didn't know she would need. She could have just stopped there. She could have thought about how horrible it is for other women to go through surgery and not have those items and just moved on with her life. But she didn't. She kept going. She found a way to make The III B's happen so that no other woman would go home from surgery without all of the things they would need. But its so much more than just items in a basket. There is love in that basket. Going through surgery is so hard but to know that a stranger is thinking about you and cares for you is a great feeling. Especially at the start of your journey. 

 

One of the greatest gifts that Carolyn has given me beyond The III B's basket is getting to go to The Pink Tie ball and to continue to be involved with The III B's. After I received my award (I still cannot believe that happened), they started to call all of the survivors on stage. This part of the night is so magical to me. I hate that we were all touched by this stupid disease but I love that this year there were over FIFTY women that were called on stage. In the picture below we were all watching after Karin honored Carolyn because she is a survivor too! And she's the reason we are all at the ball together! There are women of all ages, some who just finished treatment, some who have been survivors for years. But we are all really strong women and it's overwhelming to be on the stage with all of these survivors while 400 people stand and cheer for you. I really hate that I had to have cancer but I always say that sometimes good things come from having cancer and being able to stand up with these women is one of them.  

(picture taken from Facebook)

After we were done on stage, we all went back stage to get ready for our FLASH MOB!! I was so excited because I've always wanted to be part of a flash mob! We danced to Beat It by Michael Jackson- because obviously- we beat it! It was so fun and I think everyone was really surprised! If someone adds a video to youtube I will add the link here. It was short but it was so awesome!

After that it was time for dancing and having a good night! We sat at the most fun table. I knew one couple because my mom and I saw with them last year- and actually Beth and I have talked a couple times before this years ball and I didn't even recognize her until I saw her with her husband! There were 8 of us total at our table and we all had such a fun night! George and I stayed until midnight!

I can't wait until next years Pink Tie Ball! And stay tuned for this years FUND IT FORWARD! Keep your calendars clear for July!!

Year of the Baby

As usual I have started about 5 blogs and never finished them in the last couple months. Sometimes I just write out my feelings (usually negative feelings) and once I write them down I'm over it. So writing on here is still helpful to me even if no one else can read it.

Back to this blog....

On New Year's Eve, my husband and I were dismissed from work early and decided to have a lunch date before we picked up Mackenzie. We talked about 2014 and what we hoped for in 2015. We decided to call 2015- The Year of the Baby.

We have one egg. We are starting the process of turning that egg into an embryo and then go from there. The process is a little longer if you have intentions of using a surrogate- which we do. Although my oncologist said we could talk about me getting pregnant in 2 years (almost 2 years ago) I'm just not sure its a great idea. Also in my head "we can talk about" means she will say yes immediately. But again- I'm not sure that filling my body with the same hormones that fueled my cancer is such a great idea 2 years after finishing treatment. And the thought of not taking Tamoxifen anymore is terrifying.

So first we are going to try to get a surrogate pregnant. Also we need a surrogate. We don't have $25,000 to pay a stranger to take care of our child for nine months- nor do I trust a stranger, especially one that doesn't live near us, to be our surrogate. It's a lot to ask of anyone- which is why we haven't really asked anyone. We have joked about it with a couple friends and I have bluntly asked a couple people. I totally understand why anyone would say no. It is a HUGE commitment. It's not just being pregnant- its shots before hand, its disruptive to your life, it could be confusing to your friends and especially a small child. But we know there is one woman out there who has this in her heart to do for us. I think I have said this before but I also totally believe that this egg either will or will not become a baby. I don't think that it will matter WHO is carrying this child. If this egg is meant to turn into our child then it will. I don't think there is really anything that any surrogate could do differently than another that will change that.

If that doesn't work- again the chances of our 1 egg turning into an embryo and then turning into a baby isn't great- we have alternatives. I have been cleared to do another egg retrieval. There are several reasons why we aren't going to do another retrieval before we try with our one egg. Mostly cost. Also I'm still pissed about how that whole process went last time and I don't have a whole lot of faith in doing it again.

Obviously another option would be adoption. We have talked about adoption since we first went to the fertility doctor after I was diagnosed. I think about it a lot. But I haven't wrapped my head totally around it. Maybe if our one egg fails then we would think about it more seriously and start doing some research. The process and cost of adoption is very daunting. It doesn't really make sense to me that with so many kids needing to be adopted- especially in this country- that the cost is so high. And then you aren't even guaranteed the birth mom will go through with it all. Because we have done very little research on adoption maybe my numbers and facts are off but we will know more if/when we get to that stage.

This might come off sounding really rude but what we aren't looking for is personal opinions between adoption vs. fertility doctors, ect. Obviously some people might not agree with our choices and that's okay. We just don't really want to hear about it. We didn't CHOOSE to have our lives totally turned upside down by this stupid disease and I'm still not over now much my life is different than I imagined it just 3 short years ago. We have total faith that there is plan set out for us- we just don't know which path will lead us to a child.

Non-religious me has found a couple bible verses lately that have really stuck with me. When the lump was found I clung to- "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow..." (Matthew 6:34) and before my surgery I clung to- "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" (Hebrews 6:19). The anchor symbol has been showing up for me ever since. A couple months ago I was looking at Zulily and I saw a canvas with this- "And so it was that she having waited long and endured patiently realized and obtained what God had promised" (Hebrews 6:15) and I immediately bought it and its on our bookshelf in our living room. A couple days ago I was browsing through Instagram and I saw this verse- "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming" (Romans 8:18). So we are ready. We are ready to see what's next.

I made a promise to Mackenzie that she would be a big sister one day and we are going to work on fulfilling that promise. And maybe that sounds really crazy or naive to some people and that's okay. I have terrible guilt that she hasn't experience the joy of becoming a sister- something that we had planned from before she was even born. I can't even think about it without tearing up. Sure some kids are only kids and are fine. But we don't want that for our family. There is a hole in my heart that is waiting for my future child to fill it. I'm sure anyone who has gone through the experience of wanting a child and hasn't been able to have that child knows what that hole feels like. It hurts. It hurts immeasurably. And add to that pain the pain of your 5 year old asking you for a sibling, asking you WHEN they are going to get a sibling and drawing a baby in her pictures that she draws of our family. It's hard.

So we will see how this goes. I'm cautiously optimistic. I think about this baby every. single. day. And I know that I would be devastated if this egg doesn't become our baby BUT as we know from previous experience this family isn't going to give up easily.

Thanks as always for following along and praying for us and wishing us well. It has meant the world to know that so many people are behind us!

Never Forget

Today is my 2 year Cancerversary. I feel everything about it. Sad, mad, lucky. As the day was approaching I really had no feelings about it. But last night it hit a little hard. And then this morning. I read my blogs from 2 years ago and just the enormity of it all was like a weight on me. But once I got over it I had a great day. It was weird because I felt all day like today was a celebration. Like it was my remission day instead of my cancerversary. But I guess it is a celebration. Its been 2 years since I heard those awful words and I'm still here and I'm healthy!

I started off my day doing the same thing I did right after I got the news. With a large McDonald's Coke. Then I went to Target of course. I took this picture because it has (almost) all of my favorite things- McDonald's Coke. school supplies, Target, Coach! What a dream! The school supplies are for Mackenzie's playroom. Hard to believe next year they will actually be for kindergarten.

I ran more errands then went early to pick up Mackenzie. Every Wednesday in the summer they have a special show at daycare so I watched the magician with her. And I got to hold my friends baby! After we left, we met George in Crystal City for dinner. We went to Ted's Montana Grill. This was the quote at our table. I thought it was fitting for today. 

Afterwards we went next store to Cold Stone! Nothing better than having a milkshake to celebrate! 

When Mackenzie and I walked back to my car this was on the ground. It was kind of out of place because someone just wrote these numbers on the ground and I'm not really sure why. But I parked in the spot labeled 23. July 23. The day that changed everything. 

I labeled this post Never Forget because I have been feeling lately that everyone is forgetting what happened to me. I had cancer. Really bad cancer that spread. I had body parts amputated, poison poured into my body, multiple surgeries and procedures and a laser that burned me so bad I had blisters. That happened. I know that it is easier to forget. I really wish I could. But then I look in the mirror and see my 9 scars and I remember. I look at my lymphedema sleeve and I remember that my cancer caused my lymph nodes to be removed. My hair. My short brown hair. 

I was telling George after my fundraiser last weekend that cancer is so weird because some of the people that you expect to be there aren't. And the people that you never expect to be there or don't know well step up in huge ways you'd never expect. People I didn't know made my family dinner when I was going through chemo. Friends (namely the Morrisons) took our daughter at a moments notice on multiple occasions. Its amazing that you can meet/become great friends with people because of this awful disease. Things that I will never be able to repay no matter how hard I try. 

Back to the fundraiser. It was AMAZING!! My fear is always that no one will show up. But they always do! And we made a lot of money this year. And of course you can still donate online! {link} I'm probably going to close it the first week of August so I can get The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes their checks! I'll share pictures when I get more. I hardly took any pictures but my brother took pictures for me which I appreciated! I can't wait to share final totals. I'm hoping we made more than last year! 

As always thanks to everyone for all of your support. I knew when I was anticipating this diagnosis that I would want to tell people so that it would be out there. I was hoping that people would rally around me and you did. It is an amazing feeling. 

It's July

It's July. I'm dreading this entire month. There are a lot of dates that mean a lot.

July 10th is my fantasy date- the last day before I went to the doctor and the lump was found. The day I dream about and wish I could go back to. The day my biggest worry was having my blood drawn. The day where my 2nd biggest worry was when I would get pregnant. It makes me a little sad because July 10th used to mean a lot more. It means my baby is a half year older and it was also her baptism day. Obviously those things are still relevant but now July 10th means something else too and I hate that it takes away from Mackenzie.

July 11th is lump day. I remember sitting in the office so vividly. I remember her in the middle of the breast exam tell me that I need to especially check the upper inner quadrant because that's where most cancer was found. And then it was. In the exact spot she said it would be. But I also remember being reassured that it was nothing and getting a mammogram was just a formality.

July 17th- REMISSION DAY!! Strangely this is the date I always have to look up. I can never remember which day I actually went into remission. Technically I was NED (no evidence of disease) on my mastectomy day but they can't tell you you are in remission until treatment is all over.

July 19th. One of the hardest days. Maybe even emotionally harder than the day I found out I had cancer. I went in to have a mammogram on my right side. Then the tech went to talk to the doctor. Then they did a mammogram on my left side "just to compare" (that should have been my clue). Then I waited and had the ultrasound done. I still laugh thinking that I should tell her (the dr) where the lump is. Obviously she could see it on my mammogram and went directly to that spot. And then the biopsy. I remember sitting in the waiting room trying not to ball my eyes out in my gown. Then I saw my mom walk back into the room and I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I just kept thinking- I'm half the age of everyone else and I'M the one that is having this happen. The biopsy wasn't painful just very strange. Plus when you hate medical stuff as much as I do it was hard because you are between the doctor and the tech. The tech is using an ultrasound machine with the screen on one side and the doctor is doing the biopsy on the other side. No where to look!

July 23rd. The day. I still can't think about it without tearing up. I still think that I cannot believe this happened to me. Sometimes it seems like it didn't happen. But of course there's the scars and short hair and lymphedema sleeve that remind me that it did. This year I decided to take the 23rd off work. I'm not sure what I'm going to do that day. Maybe nothing. But it needs to be acknowledged. It's kind of ironic because I was at work on the 23rd when I found out I had cancer. And I went to work the day after like nothing happened.

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There's a group I follow on Facebook called Stupid Cancer. They always post a picture that just says "Cancer is lonely". The first time I saw it it really made me think. Cancer is SO lonely. No one gets it. I don't really expect anyone to get it but just remember that it's not over. It will never be over. Just because I am in remission doesn't mean that these scars aren't real, that I don't have to think twice about every single pain I have and that the emotional toll isn't becoming much harder than the physical part ever was. I'm never going to get over this. Cancer will always be in my life. I wish it wasn't. And most days I don't think of it (except when I'm putting on my lymphedema sleeve) but there are still days when he pain and loneliness are hard to bare. And I don't mean lonely like there's no one around. For me loneliness is wanting to say things that shouldn't be said. Wanting someone to understand what I'm feeling. Wanting someone who lives with these scars and knows exactly what all of this entails. 

I know there are support groups, ect but honestly I'm not really interested. I was playing phone tag with a counselor at the hospital but I stopped because asking for help is a lot harder than I thought it would be. But I need to call her back. Especially this month. This Cancerversary feels harder than last year. And I still have 3 weeks to go. 

                    ________________________________________________________________

But this July 19th will be AWESOME because it will be the 2nd annual Kyle's Fund It Forward (link)! I'm so excited about it! Everything is starting to really fall into place. Of course if anyone has anything to donate for a raffle or knows anyone who would please let me know!! I am all ready having nightmares so I hope that means it will be very successful! I've been pleasantly surprised but the amazing raffle prizes donated so far! I'm so happy that I can give forward to these 2 charities that helped me out so much. It is very helpful to make me feel a purpose to all of this- especially this time of year.

Lymphedema

One of the biggest fears for survivors is recurrence. But another huge fear is the dreaded lymphedema (link). Obviously even survivor hopes neither happens. Unfortunately I'm one of the ones who now has to deal with lymphedema.

Its been a crazy month for us. The Tuesday after Memorial day my husband, George, was hospitalized with bleeding ulcers. He was in the hospital until Friday. The stress of your husband being in the hospital, plus holding down a full time job and being a parent is overwhelming. But we did it. He was treated and is now on medication (maybe for life) and he is feeling much better. The week after that I had what I thought was a sinus infection. It was a rough week. I also noticed that week that my right arm looked a little larger than my left arm.

I emailed my physical therapist on Tuesday and told her about the swelling and she brought me in on Friday for an appointment. She measured my arm and then did manual lymph drainage (link). Its interesting because MLD is very soft massage but it gets your lymph system moving. We decided that since the lymphedema was an early stage we should be aggressive and that I would get bandages on my arm the next week.

When I went in on Tuesday I had MLD again and then we started bandaging. I had NO idea how involved the bandages would be. I went back on Thursday to have them removed, have MLD again and get re-bandaged. I took them off on Saturday when I just couldn't take it anymore (I was allowed!).

I have to say that Tuesday and Wednesday were REALLY hard emotionally. I felt SO defeated by this stupid thing on my arm. It gave me such anxiety that I couldn't take it off- I mean I could have taken it off but I wasn't supposed to. I kept thinking I beat CANCER! Why do these foam and ace bandages have such a hold on me? It still really surprises me. I was totally fine with the bandages until I got it on on Tuesday and then I kept remembering all of the things that would be really hard for me to do- write, type, start my car, take my contacts out, put on make up! Oh and did I mention my husband was out of town that entire week? On top of barely having use of my right arm, I was all alone.

How my arm looked on Tuesday.

Wrapping my arm to shower by myself- seran wrap, garbage bag and medical tape. 

Everything that was on my arm. 

I go back this Friday to see my progress. I should be getting my sleeve in the mail tomorrow or Friday that I will wear everyday for the rest of my life. I am really hoping the rest of the swelling goes down soon and then we can just work on keeping the swelling gone and keeping the lymphedema at an early stage. Another option is to rebandage so that we can hopefully getting the swelling all the way down. We will see how the appointment goes on Friday.

On a happy note- I'm so excited that next month I will be holding my 2nd annual Fund It Forward event! I hope everyone can come and having a great time and spend a lot of money!

2014

Happy New Years! Maybe I should make it my resolution to write on my blog more!

I get really sentimental every year on the first of January. I always remember my husband and I walking into Target January 1, 2010 and saying "okay baby it's 2010, you can come out now!". I had no idea she would take it so literally and decide to be born 9 days later.

I used to have a really hard time with what happened when she was born. Actually, her birth was awesome. Besides her being 7 weeks early, I was only in labor for 4 hours and pushed for about 15 minutes and she was born. I didn't even have time for an epidural.

But I am such a planner and she really threw off all my plans. And it was REALLY hard to not take my tiny little baby home with me when I was discharged that Tuesday. And that's where my hatred of the hospital floor came from. Looking at the stupid ugly tile, every single day.

This year I have other things to remember that happened to me in January. On this date last year it was my 2nd day in the hospital. It was Sunday and the resident told me that I might have a pulmonary embolism. I was coughing my brains out and nothing was giving me any relief, certainly not the 5 antibiotics that were dripping into me via IV. Every 4 hours the tech would come in and I would pray that my temperature was down and my heart rate was down and neither were. It was really terrible.

Cancer really tried to kick my ass last January. 2 chemos, 2 hospitalizations (5 total days), 2 CT scans, 2 bags of someone elses blood and an EKG. But this January is mine. I am doing what everyone does when they are victorious. I am going to Disney World!

We don't give Mackenzie a lot for Christmas usually. We usually have a pretty decent sized birthday party for her (some might think its a little too much and I don't care). We are celebrating her LIFE! How could a party be too much?! And I got to thinking a couple weeks ago that maybe we got her too much for her birthday this year. A week after her birthday we are going to Disney (SHE DOESN'T KNOW YET SO PLEASE DON'T TELL HER!!!) and we are giving her little trinkets while we are there to make it more magical. But then I thought- who deserves this more than this kid?

I'm so excited for this year. Besides surgery (probably late February) and daily tamoxifen I am trying really hard not to let cancer in too much this year. I read a lot of blogs about women who are currently going through it and it's always hard to read. Almost like survivors guilt. I don't want to stop supporting them but maybe I need to just read them once a month or so. 

So far 30 has been good to me! My goals for this year is to be healthier, spend more time enjoying friends and family and saying yes more. Hopefully I'll be successful! 

Another cancerversary

Ugh I'm so upset with myself that its been 2 months since I last updated. I have a few saved drafts that I started and never published. I don't know why I never publish them. Usually I write them then want to look over them again later and then I forget.

Anyway, today is another cancerversary for me. Its the day that I shaved my head a year ago.

Losing my hair was one of the scariest things about doing chemo for me. Especially after I made it through my first chemo pretty well. I think everyone with cancer goes through this short period of thinking that they'll be the ONLY one that doesn't loose their hair. But I remember waking up the Wednesday before I shaved my head pulling out clumps of hair. Even kids at Mackenzie's daycare noticed.

December 1, 2012 before head shaving. Picture by Christy Jewell Photography

I always identified as a red head and I didn't know how to be anything but that. I was glad that I was able to make it through that day without tears and to realize that I am me and it doesn't matter what hair color I have. That being said, I HATE my hair right now. I don't even know whats going on with it. I wet it and brush it in the morning and then thats it. I don't really think about it the rest of the day. I miss long hair a lot. I miss brushing it off my shoulders or putting it in a pony tail. We have all these pictures around the house and I feel like that's not me anymore. Its not good or bad. It is what it is. But I miss it. I know its growing back (very slowly it seems) but I just wish like once you got the all clear you just got your hair back! Fairs fair!

I've been doing all right mentally lately. I'm sure people think once you hear the words remission it all just goes away. It seems that it is almost harder to deal with after you hear you are in remission, for me at least. I don't have the adrenaline pumping through my veins anymore and now I have to really feel every emotion I was running over last year. I had an appointment the end of October with the nurse practitioner about "survivorship". We went over everything that happened from the day the tumor was found until I finished radiation and talked about future. It was a good appointment. I had a lot of questions I was afraid to ask answered to my satisfaction. I got a paper that has everything in it that I can give to my future doctors which will be so helpful to me.

We also got our rent letter for our one little frozen egg. I immediately broke into tears. I have such a hard time with that little egg. I am dying to see if it would become a baby. But its an expensive experiment. Not to mention I would need a carrier for our little baby. Its upsetting because its all so expensive and I feel like they just take advantage for people who are so vulnerable. But that little egg is our very last hope. So if in 1 year and 9 months we can't get pregnant on our own that little egg is our only chance. Its a lot of pressure for a little egg. On the other hand, we might get pregnant right away and not need that little egg. But I'm glad its there. As my nurse practitioner keeps reminding me, its not the quantity its the quality. So I'm choosing to believe we have a very strong little egg. I mean it is part of me right??

Oh and how could I forget. Last month I turned THIRTY!! I am loving it. Its weird to say still but anytime someone says "29 again" I always say "nope, I'm 30!". I earned this age! Plus 30 is going to be an age that I don't have cancer so I'm really happy about that. 28 & 29 are always going to be associated with cancer so 30 and 2014 are going to be cancer free!! I'm hoping that I will be writing more often. It really is therapeutic for me to write down how I feel still. Thanks again for sticking by me this last year!!