Frustrated

I think I've used this title before. And I think it was the blog after I met with my first oncologist who told me I had to wait 3-5 years before I could try to get pregnant.

I'm really annoyed that we are at a standstill to have a baby. I'm feeling like my doctor's office doesn't even really want to help me. I'm sure that's not the case and I know he has a lot of patients BUT I want to be treated like I'm a priority. (side note- I was urgently calling all of my doctors 2 weeks ago to get a referral for physical therapy the day of my appointment because one of my doctors never sent it even though I gave them plenty of notice. I realized that once you are in remission you aren't so important anymore and it was nearly impossible. I think the original doctor I called sent it in but man- 2.5 years ago they all would have send it immediately- I guess it's a good thing to be unimportant in the cancer doctor world!).

Today I finally went in for my testing. I'll find out the results of the blood work next week. I had an ultrasound done and she saw 5 follicles on one side and 3 follicles on the other side. She said that was "good for someone who went through chemo". Of course afterwards I googled and apparently 5-10 follicles on each side is normal. So not too far off. I do have to say that it is REALLY hard to look at that ultrasound picture and see a blank screen. I've had more ultrasounds since being diagnosed than I ever had when I was pregnant with Mackenzie. And every time I see the blank screen it takes a minute to catch my breath.

Some days I really question if this is something I really want (and I'm sure George has those moments too). Do we really need another child? Isn't our life with Mackenzie good enough. It is. But then I think of a life without another child and I get teary eyed just thinking about it. We don't need to have another child to make our lives better or to have the life we want but we want a child in our family to bring even more joy and even more love.

I know part of the pain I am feeling is because I had cancer and I'll just never get over the destruction that caused in our lives. It should have gone away when all of the treatments stopped. But it doesn't. It is still effecting my life in a lot of ways. This one is certainly the hardest. Every month that goes by I recalculate how long until we could get a surrogate pregnant (usually takes about 4 months to get them through all of the testing, ect) then how long until the baby would be born and then how old Mackenzie will be. Each passing month it just feels more and more hopeless.

The other part of me is SO hopeful. I know if this is supposed to happen for us then it will. But we are just really tired of waiting and just really tired of feeling like the world is working against us. How unfair to have to keep being victimized by cancer over and over again. How unfair that there's no funding for people who had cancer to help them have a child. It's frustrating to navigate all of this blind.

We did find a really great lawyer. I spent about a half hour on the phone with her paralegal who went over EVERYTHING with me. The first lawyer I found was going to charge us a $350 an hour consultation fee so thank God we cancelled that appointment! But this firm is based out of Richmond and they have handled hundreds of surrogacy case. She told me lots of stories and gave me a lot of information about what to ask surrogates and things that are typically debated over in contracts. It put me a little at ease.

The other day I took Mackenzie to the bookstore and while she was looking at a couple books I walked around the kids section. A book called Wish {link to book trailer}caught my eye so I picked it up and read it. It was totally for me. All about how a couple of elephant parents are so hopeful to have a baby but are disappointed when it takes awhile. I almost bought it for myself. Having cancer was so lonely. Not because I wasn't supported. And not because I didn't have people around. It's just sometimes you feel or think things and feel like you can't say how you really feel. I think infertility is the same. Sometimes I really hate how it makes me feel- so sad, lonely, sometimes jealously. And really angry.

I'm hoping by next week when I finally get to talk to the fertility doctor we can start moving this along. I'm done waiting. I picture in my head what it will be like to tell Mackenzie she will be a big sister. She keeps saying "when I'm bigger then I'll be a sister". It's been really hard for all of us. And we are wishing for the wait to be over soon.

Day 30

Friday would have been the last day of Whole 30 (we are doing Whole 46 for Lent). I feel really proud of us! We actually stuck to this. Even though we both had moments where we wanted to quit, we didn't! And we both agreed that we like eating this way and will probably keep it up- most of the time.

I don't miss too much. I do wish there were some things I could add to my food- at least every once in awhile like black beans or cheese. Or corn. But I feel like I've learned a lot about my eating habits and how I should be eating. Obviously sometimes we will all have a splurge meal or a cupcake or something- but that was becoming our norm- eat whatever we wanted without even thinking about it.

We both feel a lot better physically. I would eat something previously and always tell George- ugh I can't eat _____ it makes me feel terrible. But then I would eat it again anyway. It will be interesting when we start reintroducing food groups to see what effects us. I'm praying for me it's not dairy! I love cheese so much!

After 31 days- I lost 14 pounds and George lost 17. I haven't measured inches yet but I'll do that this week. I did cheat a couple days in and weigh myself. And the scale said I lost 7 pounds. So of course I thought wow by 30 days I'll lose like 30 pounds! And then I started weighing myself like 3 days in a row. And the number kept going up instead of down (which I later read was normal). I stopped weighing myself everyday because it was making me want to stop doing Whole 30. Plus, even though I love the side effect of losing weight- that's not the total reason I wanted us to do Whole 30. We were spending a TON of money going out to dinner all the time and the food we were eating made us feel crappy.

So we have 13 days left until Easter. It really feels like these 30 days flew by. I'm sure the next 2 weeks will feel that way too. We are both going to start to add in a little more exercise into the mix now. Especially since it's spring and it SHOULD be nice out! It will be good for Mackenzie and Bailey to get out after dinner and get some fresh air too!

Halfway

There's 2 things I want to write about in this post. The first is Whole 30 and the second is February 28th.

We are officially 20 days into the Whole 30. It is incredible. My brain is changing. I eat things I never would have eaten before. And I don't really miss anything. Obviously I'm not swearing off any food forever. That's not what this is about. But it's realizing that it is possible to work full time, pick up Mackenzie, come home, make a healthy dinner and still have a little time to play after. That was one of my biggest excuse for not cooking. That and my tiny kitchen (which I still hate!!). There have been a couple nights where I thought to myself- this would definitely be a night where we would have gone out to dinner. But we didn't. We are sticking to it. Not 100% perfectly. But we are doing it!

days left until we are done with Lent

days since we started Whole 30

We went out to dinner with my parents 2 weekends ago to Outback and while I would have normally stuffed myself with bread and Caesar salad before I even got my food, I didn't! The bread sat on the table and George and I didn't touch it. When we left I mentioned to him that normally I would be SO full and be hating life but I felt satisfied and not stuffed. He agreed. After Whole 30 I will probably have a piece of bread at Outback BUT maybe just one piece instead of us eating it until its gone.

The last week George was putting our lunches together before work and he asked what I wanted to have for breakfast and I didn't make us a breakfast casserole last week so I said- umm meatloaf. He said- MEATLOAF??! For breakfast?! I said yes- whats wrong with meatloaf for breakfast?? And you know what- he had it too! And I seriously thought of having left over chicken legs for breakfast the other morning but I didn't- I had meatloaf again! If you asked me 3 weeks ago if I would ever eat meatloaf and carrot sticks for breakfast I would have laughed at you. But now- it's totally normal! I love it! (Also we won't talk about how it took over 2 hours to cook said meatloaf AND it totally fell apart when I tried to take it out of the pan! So basically it was just ground beef!)

We had 2 birthday parties last weekend. I passed up PB&J sandwiches, chicken nuggets, subs, chips and LAYER dip and pizza- OH and CAKE! Normally I would have parked myself at the layer dip and eaten it for 2 hours straight. But I had some fruit and veggies and a piece of meat off of Mackenzie's sub at the first party. At the second party we passed up pizza and stopped at Elevation Burger on the way home. They use olive oil and grass fed beef so it is whole 30 approved. I realized that it doesn't really matter what burgers are cooked in- fast food burgers make me feel gross!

We have 3 birthday parties this weekend so we will basically be Whole 30 party food pros! I don't think anyone with a special diet should expect anyone to make special food for them...especially us. We will eat what we can and then eat after if we have to. Probably what we should do anyway. Although I totally would have tore up some Mickey Mouse shaped chicken nuggets last weekend!

During Lent last year I could not wait to have chips and soda again. I was DYING for it! But this year, there's nothing that I am really dying to eat. I'm looking forward to being able to eat more options but I feel like we will continue to really scrutinize labels and eat at home. It's pretty incredible what is put in our food that most people never know about (including me). I really thought about our meat options recently and how I never really cared before about what the animals I eat ate. I cared about how they were treated but not really about what they ate. Then I realized- what they're eating and the medication they are given is what I get. And what Mackenzie gets. It's kind of scary.

ANYWAY! Now to the 2nd topic. February 28th just passed. February 28, 2013 I had my last chemo!! It's not a huge cancerversary for me- although it's pretty important. I'm really glad that I wrote this blog while going through treatment especially because now I think- oh chemo wasn't that bad. But going back and reading my posts I remember the little things that bothered me. Chemo wasn't that bad. Compared to most peoples treatments. But for those 5-6 days after- life was awful. You can read more about it here (link). I'm so glad it's over. And I have my hair back! Although out of the 3 pictures below I think I would rank the bald look 2nd out of the 3 hair styles!

Whole 30

I've been talking about doing Whole 30 for about 4 months. I could have finished it 4 times all ready. But I kept talking myself out of it. Here's a link to what the program is- website. Basically we will be eating meat and veggies and occasionally fruit.

We started it Wednesday because we are doing it for Lent. So although it's called Whole 30 we are doing it for all of Lent- 46 days. So far it's been okay. I was joking that my brain is telling my body its full because it doesn't want all of the vegetables!

Tuesday night I made broccoli frittata for us to eat for breakfast all week. I used WAY too much broccoli/not enough eggs. Otherwise it's pretty good.

Wednesday night I made zoodles with shrimp. This seems like a lot of "noodles" but when I threw them in the pan with the shrimp they seemed to disappear. I actually like zoodles so I'll just have to work on portions and keeping them dry. Maybe by the 46th day!

Thursday I dove into the world of cauliflower rice. I LOVE cauliflower but I read mixed reviews of the "rice". I won't say it tastes like rice BUT I added some cilantro and lime and made a chicken burrito bowl with salsa chicken and salad and it was really good. Even Mackenzie liked it!

Before we started I read the book It Starts with Food which is the book that accompanies Whole 30. I really like the way it's written and how they break down the chapters and explain WHY they limit sugar, carbs, ect. It's a good read about nutrition even if you don't want to do Whole 30. They also use a little humor too which I appreciate. They said you should eat however many eggs fit into the palm of your hand (like any protein portion) and they joked how most women come up to them and say that "I only had one egg for breakfast this morning!" and are so proud but it just shows that they can't possibly be eating enough. 

One example I really liked in the book was comparing how you feel after eating steak vs. Oreo's. Eventually when you are eating steak you start to feel satisfied and eating the steak itself is less satisfying- if that makes sense. But when you are eating Oreo's your body never gets notice that you don't need anymore food so the 10th Oreo is just as delicious as the first. So you just keep eating. I'm not saying it as well as they are but this point really helped me realize the difference between eating food that's good for you vs. food that isn't good for you. 

Friday night, I made cod with ghee (clarified butter) and garlic and baked it in the oven. It was really good- even Mackenzie liked it! I have a feeling we will be eating  A LOT of broccoli! 

Saturday night we had left over salsa chicken salads with oranges. I tried La Croix for the first time and I didn't really like it. It's too fizzy for me which I think is interesting since I drank a soda almost everyday for years. I tried plain water with some lime today and that was much better. I really though I would like a fizzy drink. George likes the Trader Joe's flavored sparkling water that I bought (its less fizzy than La Croix). Drinking plain water was his biggest complaint. 

For brunch today I made eggs, chicken/apple sausage and broccoli. Neither Mackenzie nor I finished our sausage but I'm sure we will eat it at another meal. We had almost the same meal yesterday for lunch. This time I cooked the eggs in ghee to add a little fat because I don't think I'm adding enough fat to our food. Which is such a weird thing to say. 

I'm actually really surprised it's going so well for me. I really thought I would harp on not being able to eat certain food- mainly cheese. But I haven't missed anything yet. I haven't really felt sick. Just a little hungry- which just means I'm not eating enough in my meals. Yesterday, Mackenzie and I stopped at Safeway because they sell Tessemae's salad dressing (SOOOO GOOD and Whole 30 compliant) after her swim class. We were both hungry because we only had time to eat some fruit before her class. I was looking at the options for a quick fix and I saw some corn bread. I really had a moment where I wanted to eat all 8 pieces or however many pieces were in the container but I kept it together! (I went for baby carrots instead). I've walked by aisles of cheese and soda and haven't really had a moment like that for either so that's good. Obviously I will be eating cheese again. And I won't say that I'm not going to enjoy a Coke every once in awhile but I'm just hoping that my brain stops craving them. It turns out that I do have a little willpower that I always claimed I didn't have. I just didn't want to have willpower. There's a huge difference! So we have 5 days down. Hopefully the next 41 days are going to go equally as well. We are going to have to branch out a little vegetable wise but I think we'll get there eventually! 

When I got towards the end of the book there was a section that said WHOLE 30 ISN'T HARD. Fighting cancer is hard. Giving birth is hard. Whole 30 isn't hard. And I started tearing up because I've done both of those things. And they were really hard. So eating some more veggies and not eating sugar/carbs for awhile isn't really that big of a deal. It really helped put it into perspective for me and maybe that's why it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be. I'm looking forward to start feeling a little more energetic this week (I hope) and just feeling better in general. 

The Pink Tie Charity Ball

Saturday night I spent my Valentine's Day with George at the Pink Tie Charity Ball. This is the 2nd year in a row I attended and it was just as beautiful as last year.

We dropped off Mackenzie at my parents and checked into the Hilton where the ball was being held. Our room was HUGE! And the hotel was beautiful. 

We started the night in the Survivors VIP room which was a great place to meet or reconnect with other Bosom Buddies. 

Survivors in the VIP room (picture taken from Facebook)

The Ball is always beautifully put together. There were a couple speakers who gave their accounts of how cancer touched their lives. The III B's put together a very emotional video and after the video a man spoke about his aunt (who was featured in the video and had recently passed away). I wish I could rewatch the entire event because I loved everything he said. One thing he said that stuck with me was that cancer brings out who people really are- not just the person fighting it but everyone around them. He said a lot of beautiful things about his aunt. 

My Valentine and I

After dinner I knew that it would soon be time for the survivors to be called up on stage. I was mentally preparing myself when Karin and Carolyn got on stage and started talking about an award they were giving out and about how the woman they were giving the award to was a mom of a 5 year old little girl and how she has raised over $5,000 for The III B's Foundation. I looked around my table and I was like- "are they talking about me?!". And they were. I can't tell you anything else they said because I was so shocked that this was happening! I do remember at the end they said "and she went to RADFORD!" And everyone cheered! 

Carolyn, Karin & I

My award! 

If you know anything about me, then you know how much I hate to be the center of attention. So that's obviously not the reason that I do my Fund It Forward event every year. I do Fund It Forward because as I've been saying since I was diagnosed, I am the luckiest cancer patient survivor alive. I had so many people helping in so many ways I didn't even know I needed. That includes The III B's. Before I went into surgery, I received my beautiful basket. These women who put this basket together made it with so much love and they didn't even know me. They didn't know that particular basket was going to be going to me. But they still put everything they had into it.

I found this quote on Instagram this morning (below) and it really made me think of Carolyn. Carolyn and her girlfriends founded The III B's after Carolyn underwent a mastectomy and realized there were items that she needed after her surgery that she didn't know she would need. She could have just stopped there. She could have thought about how horrible it is for other women to go through surgery and not have those items and just moved on with her life. But she didn't. She kept going. She found a way to make The III B's happen so that no other woman would go home from surgery without all of the things they would need. But its so much more than just items in a basket. There is love in that basket. Going through surgery is so hard but to know that a stranger is thinking about you and cares for you is a great feeling. Especially at the start of your journey. 

 

One of the greatest gifts that Carolyn has given me beyond The III B's basket is getting to go to The Pink Tie ball and to continue to be involved with The III B's. After I received my award (I still cannot believe that happened), they started to call all of the survivors on stage. This part of the night is so magical to me. I hate that we were all touched by this stupid disease but I love that this year there were over FIFTY women that were called on stage. In the picture below we were all watching after Karin honored Carolyn because she is a survivor too! And she's the reason we are all at the ball together! There are women of all ages, some who just finished treatment, some who have been survivors for years. But we are all really strong women and it's overwhelming to be on the stage with all of these survivors while 400 people stand and cheer for you. I really hate that I had to have cancer but I always say that sometimes good things come from having cancer and being able to stand up with these women is one of them.  

(picture taken from Facebook)

After we were done on stage, we all went back stage to get ready for our FLASH MOB!! I was so excited because I've always wanted to be part of a flash mob! We danced to Beat It by Michael Jackson- because obviously- we beat it! It was so fun and I think everyone was really surprised! If someone adds a video to youtube I will add the link here. It was short but it was so awesome!

After that it was time for dancing and having a good night! We sat at the most fun table. I knew one couple because my mom and I saw with them last year- and actually Beth and I have talked a couple times before this years ball and I didn't even recognize her until I saw her with her husband! There were 8 of us total at our table and we all had such a fun night! George and I stayed until midnight!

I can't wait until next years Pink Tie Ball! And stay tuned for this years FUND IT FORWARD! Keep your calendars clear for July!!

Year of the Baby

As usual I have started about 5 blogs and never finished them in the last couple months. Sometimes I just write out my feelings (usually negative feelings) and once I write them down I'm over it. So writing on here is still helpful to me even if no one else can read it.

Back to this blog....

On New Year's Eve, my husband and I were dismissed from work early and decided to have a lunch date before we picked up Mackenzie. We talked about 2014 and what we hoped for in 2015. We decided to call 2015- The Year of the Baby.

We have one egg. We are starting the process of turning that egg into an embryo and then go from there. The process is a little longer if you have intentions of using a surrogate- which we do. Although my oncologist said we could talk about me getting pregnant in 2 years (almost 2 years ago) I'm just not sure its a great idea. Also in my head "we can talk about" means she will say yes immediately. But again- I'm not sure that filling my body with the same hormones that fueled my cancer is such a great idea 2 years after finishing treatment. And the thought of not taking Tamoxifen anymore is terrifying.

So first we are going to try to get a surrogate pregnant. Also we need a surrogate. We don't have $25,000 to pay a stranger to take care of our child for nine months- nor do I trust a stranger, especially one that doesn't live near us, to be our surrogate. It's a lot to ask of anyone- which is why we haven't really asked anyone. We have joked about it with a couple friends and I have bluntly asked a couple people. I totally understand why anyone would say no. It is a HUGE commitment. It's not just being pregnant- its shots before hand, its disruptive to your life, it could be confusing to your friends and especially a small child. But we know there is one woman out there who has this in her heart to do for us. I think I have said this before but I also totally believe that this egg either will or will not become a baby. I don't think that it will matter WHO is carrying this child. If this egg is meant to turn into our child then it will. I don't think there is really anything that any surrogate could do differently than another that will change that.

If that doesn't work- again the chances of our 1 egg turning into an embryo and then turning into a baby isn't great- we have alternatives. I have been cleared to do another egg retrieval. There are several reasons why we aren't going to do another retrieval before we try with our one egg. Mostly cost. Also I'm still pissed about how that whole process went last time and I don't have a whole lot of faith in doing it again.

Obviously another option would be adoption. We have talked about adoption since we first went to the fertility doctor after I was diagnosed. I think about it a lot. But I haven't wrapped my head totally around it. Maybe if our one egg fails then we would think about it more seriously and start doing some research. The process and cost of adoption is very daunting. It doesn't really make sense to me that with so many kids needing to be adopted- especially in this country- that the cost is so high. And then you aren't even guaranteed the birth mom will go through with it all. Because we have done very little research on adoption maybe my numbers and facts are off but we will know more if/when we get to that stage.

This might come off sounding really rude but what we aren't looking for is personal opinions between adoption vs. fertility doctors, ect. Obviously some people might not agree with our choices and that's okay. We just don't really want to hear about it. We didn't CHOOSE to have our lives totally turned upside down by this stupid disease and I'm still not over now much my life is different than I imagined it just 3 short years ago. We have total faith that there is plan set out for us- we just don't know which path will lead us to a child.

Non-religious me has found a couple bible verses lately that have really stuck with me. When the lump was found I clung to- "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow..." (Matthew 6:34) and before my surgery I clung to- "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure" (Hebrews 6:19). The anchor symbol has been showing up for me ever since. A couple months ago I was looking at Zulily and I saw a canvas with this- "And so it was that she having waited long and endured patiently realized and obtained what God had promised" (Hebrews 6:15) and I immediately bought it and its on our bookshelf in our living room. A couple days ago I was browsing through Instagram and I saw this verse- "The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming" (Romans 8:18). So we are ready. We are ready to see what's next.

I made a promise to Mackenzie that she would be a big sister one day and we are going to work on fulfilling that promise. And maybe that sounds really crazy or naive to some people and that's okay. I have terrible guilt that she hasn't experience the joy of becoming a sister- something that we had planned from before she was even born. I can't even think about it without tearing up. Sure some kids are only kids and are fine. But we don't want that for our family. There is a hole in my heart that is waiting for my future child to fill it. I'm sure anyone who has gone through the experience of wanting a child and hasn't been able to have that child knows what that hole feels like. It hurts. It hurts immeasurably. And add to that pain the pain of your 5 year old asking you for a sibling, asking you WHEN they are going to get a sibling and drawing a baby in her pictures that she draws of our family. It's hard.

So we will see how this goes. I'm cautiously optimistic. I think about this baby every. single. day. And I know that I would be devastated if this egg doesn't become our baby BUT as we know from previous experience this family isn't going to give up easily.

Thanks as always for following along and praying for us and wishing us well. It has meant the world to know that so many people are behind us!

Never Forget

Today is my 2 year Cancerversary. I feel everything about it. Sad, mad, lucky. As the day was approaching I really had no feelings about it. But last night it hit a little hard. And then this morning. I read my blogs from 2 years ago and just the enormity of it all was like a weight on me. But once I got over it I had a great day. It was weird because I felt all day like today was a celebration. Like it was my remission day instead of my cancerversary. But I guess it is a celebration. Its been 2 years since I heard those awful words and I'm still here and I'm healthy!

I started off my day doing the same thing I did right after I got the news. With a large McDonald's Coke. Then I went to Target of course. I took this picture because it has (almost) all of my favorite things- McDonald's Coke. school supplies, Target, Coach! What a dream! The school supplies are for Mackenzie's playroom. Hard to believe next year they will actually be for kindergarten.

I ran more errands then went early to pick up Mackenzie. Every Wednesday in the summer they have a special show at daycare so I watched the magician with her. And I got to hold my friends baby! After we left, we met George in Crystal City for dinner. We went to Ted's Montana Grill. This was the quote at our table. I thought it was fitting for today. 

Afterwards we went next store to Cold Stone! Nothing better than having a milkshake to celebrate! 

When Mackenzie and I walked back to my car this was on the ground. It was kind of out of place because someone just wrote these numbers on the ground and I'm not really sure why. But I parked in the spot labeled 23. July 23. The day that changed everything. 

I labeled this post Never Forget because I have been feeling lately that everyone is forgetting what happened to me. I had cancer. Really bad cancer that spread. I had body parts amputated, poison poured into my body, multiple surgeries and procedures and a laser that burned me so bad I had blisters. That happened. I know that it is easier to forget. I really wish I could. But then I look in the mirror and see my 9 scars and I remember. I look at my lymphedema sleeve and I remember that my cancer caused my lymph nodes to be removed. My hair. My short brown hair. 

I was telling George after my fundraiser last weekend that cancer is so weird because some of the people that you expect to be there aren't. And the people that you never expect to be there or don't know well step up in huge ways you'd never expect. People I didn't know made my family dinner when I was going through chemo. Friends (namely the Morrisons) took our daughter at a moments notice on multiple occasions. Its amazing that you can meet/become great friends with people because of this awful disease. Things that I will never be able to repay no matter how hard I try. 

Back to the fundraiser. It was AMAZING!! My fear is always that no one will show up. But they always do! And we made a lot of money this year. And of course you can still donate online! {link} I'm probably going to close it the first week of August so I can get The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes their checks! I'll share pictures when I get more. I hardly took any pictures but my brother took pictures for me which I appreciated! I can't wait to share final totals. I'm hoping we made more than last year! 

As always thanks to everyone for all of your support. I knew when I was anticipating this diagnosis that I would want to tell people so that it would be out there. I was hoping that people would rally around me and you did. It is an amazing feeling.