Vacation

Oh man. What a wonderful vacation! I am SO glad I choose (with the blessing of my doctors) to go on vacation before I have the mastectomies (that's not the right word but I don't care...its mine and I do what I want!). We had wonderful weather (with the exception of after we got there Saturday and early Sunday). This year we wanted to try new things and see new places and we did that. We crossed a couple of things off of our OBX bucket list (George STILL has not climbed Jockeys Ridge...maybe next year).

I finally got to see the wild horses. They weren't gallivanting on the beach at sun rise like the pictures show but we saw 26 of them (and a mule who has a harem of mares even though he can't breed with them!). Mackenzie LOVED it! She screamed when she first saw them! I hope she remembers it. If not...I'm totally willing to do it again!

We also made our yearly trip to the aquarium which we do on the rainy day. She loves to see the fish and the sharks but still isn't interested in trying to touch a sting ray. We went to a presentation on snakes and George and I touched it but our girly girl wouldn't. After the aquarium on Sunday we drove down to Rodanthe. I've always wanted to see it (obviously because of the movie) and we found the house it was filmed at...and that's about all that's there. Very quiet little towns surrounded by water. What a way to live.

But mostly, we swam, played in the sand, ate and slept. I don't understand how at home I can't go to bed before 11 (well I could but I don't) and on vacation I was in bed by 9:30 most nights. The house we rented was huge and while Mackenzie could have had her own room we decided to have her in our room because our room had 2 full beds. And then we played musical beds. Some nights I slept in her bed with her, some nights she slept in our bed with George and I slept in her bed alone. And every combination in between. I loved it. If it was healthy for her to sleep with us every night I would probably do it.

My mom and I had an awesome night at the beach one night. It was sunset and even though the sun sets in the west it still looks awesome on the water. My mom wrote I HATE CANCER really big in the sand. Well as you can see the first time she got to c-a-n-c-e before the water took it away.

She moved away from the water and wrote it again. I wrote cancer with a line through it. We watched as the waves slowly started to take what I wrote away as if it could take the pain and fear with it. I wish it could. When we were ready to go my mom started to walk through what she wrote and I told her she had to STOMP out the cancer. So we did. We stomped all over it. Even after you couldn't read it we stomped.

Coming back was bittersweet. I had an awesome vacation with the people that I love most but now I have to face the scariest thing I've ever done. I keep saying "I don't want to do this (have surgery)" because I'm SO scared but I know I have to. The alternative is even scarier. I can't even think about it without starting to panic. I'm not sure why. I guess it the "time travel" of anesthesia. So out of control and unaware. Maybe that's a good thing.

I'm going to try to enjoy my last couple days before my new reality starts. I see a pedicure in my very near future (thanks to Ivy Nails for a gift certificate for a free one) and spending as much time with my baby girl as possible. I'm going to miss her a lot next week.

If you get a chance between now and Tuesday I need a couple specific prayers/thoughts. I really, really, really  need some peace. I'm SO sure of my decision to have this bilateral mastectomy but I don't know how I'm going to get to the operating room without actually having a panic attack. I also really, really, really  need for this cancer to not be in my lymph nodes. I am praying its just the 2-3 cm cluster they originally saw and felt and that's it. I'm so thankful to have such amazing support in my life. I need it to get through this.