Denied

We have been talking with a potential surrogate for the last 3 weeks or so. I found her on one of my Facebook match board we had both recently joined. She was a great match for us and I have talked to her almost everyday since we "met". It's been cautiously exciting. We have only told 2 people about her- my mom and my sister-in-law Claire because I thought maybe this time if I didn't tell anyone it would work out.

We went through the beginning chats about our beliefs and I sent her my blog and we agreed to everything. It was all very easy. At first I was a little nervous because everything with the scammer that tried to match with us a couple of months ago was easy too- well more like she was just 100% agreeable but after talking with this potential surrogate everyday I realized shes just a really nice person. We finally decided that it was time to see if she would be cleared by my doctor and move along. 

She lives in a different state which I was concerned about at first but it is within driving distance (8 hours) so I felt better about that. Plus my doctors office said she would only have to come up here twice which I felt a lot better about because that saves a lot of money!

Yesterday she had a phone appointment with my fertility doctors office and that seemed to go well. They said they had to review the paperwork and they would get back to us. But they also scheduled her a phone appointment with my doctor so we were both excited about that.

I do have to say that although we try really hard not to be, its hard for George and I to not get excited. To think about when the transfer would be and then what the due date would be, when we would be able to tell Mackenzie, and all of the stuff that goes along with a pregnancy. It has been fun imagining all the scenarios and thinking of fun things like a transfer present and birth present for our potential surrogate.

Tonight my doctor called personally to tell me that he was medically denying her. It's not because of anything she did- in fact it was very much out of her control but she was denied nonetheless.

I was sitting on the basement stairs while I talked to my doctor and Mackenzie was watching tv in the living room. I was totally calm while talking to my doctor and actually really, really appreciated that he called personally to explain everything to me. When I got off the phone I just sat silently on the steps and cried, being very careful not to be heard. I couldn't imagine what I could have told Mackenzie in that moment.

I'm at a point now of anger and disappointment that I'm not sure how to get out of. Part of me just wants to give up. Actually most of me wants to give up- we have no more options and I'm tired of this roller coaster. I really wish we knew someone who lived near us who was willing to be our surrogate but after a year of asking it is becoming clear that we will have to use a stranger. And then go through all of this again- hope they aren't a crazy person just in it for money, hope they don't want a ton of money, hope they have insurance that covers their surrogate pregnancy, hope that my doctor clears them, hope we all get psychologically cleared, hope that we agree to a contract, hope that the transfer takes and then hope a healthy baby is born.

I'm ready to take a break I think. Although I hate to say that because I feel like it means we aren't going to keep looking. I just can't keep actively looking all the time. It is stressful to watch for how many likes, views or shares my surrogacy posts get. I think about the quote below often and I keep putting our need for a surrogate out into the universe and talk about it with people even though it might make us both uncomfortable but if I don't tell everyone about it how can we expect to find a surrogate?

I've said this before but it bears repeating- this is the worst thing we have ever been through. And I'm not trying to be dramatic about it. It is 100% worse then going through cancer treatments. At least then I had an end in sight. This is going on forever. In about 3 weeks it will be an entire year of looking for a surrogate and I just never imagined we wouldn't have a baby on the way by now. I wish we were stressing about finding space for baby things and paying for daycare but we aren't. I would love to be sleep deprived, listening to arguing children and changing diapers but we aren't.

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts as we struggle through this incredibly difficult time in our lives. The ironic part of it all is that George and I feel like we are actually better than ever in our relationship because of all of this which is great. I can't imagine going through all of this with anyone else by my side.

Still

I debated even writing a blog because nothing's new. My incision is still open, we still don't have a surrogate. Everything is still.

Honestly we are very discouraged. We were spoiled by getting 2 volunteers back to back. And now it's been 6 months since a serious candidate has come along. We have debated recently about giving ourselves a deadline to end our search and just move on. It is emotionally all consuming 24/7. We had someone for example from my online surrogacy group message me (that's exciting) but they've given birth 5 times (that's disappointing) and it never seems to stop. Last month was probably the hardest month so far for me personally and I'm just not sure how much more I can take. 

Ultimately I'm not sure if we could come up with a deadline. I'm afraid to give up and I'm afraid sometimes to keep going. I'm afraid to stop talking about it and begging for help. I used to fall asleep every night thinking about this baby- what month he or she would be born, would we find out their sex, what would Mackenzies reaction be, ect. And now I don't. Sometimes I read a name we picked out and it stops me for a second and then I move on. It makes me sad but I know it's my brain protecting my heart. 

We talked about adoption again but I just don't think it's for us. And it probably sounds weird that we would choose at this point to not have a child rather then give a child a home but that's our choice and we don't have to rationalize it to anyone. 

Tomorrow marks 6 years since our 5 week old 5 pound baby has surgery for pyloric stenosis. I remember at the time being relieved when she went back for surgery because I knew it was going to finally make her better. And at the time I thought how hard that situation was on us- our preemie who shouldn't have even been born yet having surgery so little. Never in a million years could I imagine that just 2.5 short years later we would be going through something so much more dire. It's amazing how that experience with Mackenzie is the reason my cancer was found. If she was born on time I probably wouldn't have gone for th physical that led to finding the lump (read more of Mackenzies birth story here http://thelumpchronicles.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-picture-that-saved-my-life.html). And because my cancer was found we are now in this situation. 

So again requirements for our surrogate are: 

should be under 43

BMI under 35

no more than 2 c-sections

no more than 4 births. 

If you are someone or know someone who might want to be a surrogate send me a message. 

All I want for Christmas

We have been quiet about surrogacy lately because honestly we have given up a little bit. We still have a tiny bit of hope left but not like we did 6 months ago. We feel defeated. Looking back at my blog in January (and then in June) we were so full of hope and optimism and now honestly we don't even talk about it. We don't bring up having a baby at all.

I am on 2 surrogacy boards on Facebook and I have been approached by a couple different women to potentially be our surrogate. One I turned down because she lived too far away (and her fb profile was too minimal to seem like a real person) and 2 others didn't have insurance. The other thing is how much some of these women ask for in terms of compensation. We don't have a spare $30,000 plus a c section fee plus a multiples fee plus a clothing fee plus travel and on and on. I'm not saying that these women don't deserve compensation but after you add up all of those fees they can make almost $50,000. Then I'm wondering what is the original $30,000 for? 

This month has also been hard because when we thought we had a surrogate lined up in June we imagined that the transfer would be around October and if it worked we could announce around Christmas or Mackenzie's birthday in January. I was really looking forward to telling her that she was going to be a big sister for her birthday. She told me again this week that she wished she had a brother or sister. I can't imagine why she thinks we haven't had a baby yet. She knows that I was sick and had to take medicine that made my hair fall out but she doesn't know that I can't carry any more babies. I think it would break her heart. Her hope is keeping our hope alive. 

The other reason we haven't really talked about surrogacy is because I STILL have not completely healed from my reconstruction surgery. I have been on 2 different antibiotics and 2 different ointments. Last week my surgeon wanted to open my incision and reclose it in the office. I politely declined and asked if we could try the 2nd ointment first. Luckily it seems to be working. The other bad part is that my surgeon is moving to NJ and next week is his last week in the office. I felt like we were breaking up at my appointment this week. He's been such a calm and empathetic voice for the last 3 years and I'm really going to miss him. Although- you know- I wish we never met! 

I am feeling a little pressure because I need to start Lupron shots (to go into menopause) but I need to first be completely healed  before I can even think about doing an egg retrieval. I feel like a mess. And these are the moments I get really angry. I know that life is unfair sometimes but how unfair does it have to be? Sometimes I feel like I used up all of my luck in my first 27 years and then it ran out. It's really hard to watch others announce their pregnancy and then even harder to hear people complain about being pregnant or about what their kids are doing that's annoying. I would love to be annoyed by a 2 year old right now instead of begging strangers to carry our child. 

The other day I opened my email and saw I had a comment on my blog. I was excited to see what it said until I read it. 

First I'm guessing this person just read that one blog and not any others as this has been addressed. Second- how insensitive. Is adoption the only alternative to women who can't carry their own child? The comment makes it sound like I can go to our local kid adoption center and pick out whichever kid I want. Adoption is hard and expensive and while we are moving forward with surrogacy it doesn't mean that we would never consider adoption. In fact we have. Many times. I even recently looked into more agencies. But right now we just can't imagine a world that doesn't have another biological child of ours in it. Is that selfish? Maybe. But that is our choice. 

Please share this with anyone who you think might be able to be our surrogate. Or anyone who would also want to share it. At some point we are going to have to make some tough decisions if we can't find a surrogate but we aren't ready to give up just yet. Maybe 2016 will be the year of the baby. 

Post surgery

Yesterday marked 1 month since my reconstruction surgery. It's going okay so far. The immediate recovery was a million times easier than my mastectomy surgery which everyone told me. I went for a post-op check up a week after surgery and it was good. I broke out all over my torso immediately after surgery  and I think it's from the orange stuff they put on you before surgery. It went away by the following week.

Last Wednesday I called my doctor because it looked red around my steri-strips in my incision on my cancer side and I was worried it was getting infected. They told me to come right in and the PA looked at it. She took off the steri-strips and looked a little concerned. It wasn't infected but radiation causes all sorts of wound problems. So I got another antibiotic and told to use Neosporin on that incision. The other side looks fine. 

I went back yesterday. I was supposed to go this Friday but my doctors office called yesterday to say they wanted to see me sooner. I guess the PA and my doctor were talking about me Tuesday and my doctor was concerned enough that he wanted to see me sooner. Luckily the PA was in the room with the doctor and she thought it looked much better. My doctor changed me to a prescription ointment and extended my 2nd antibiotic. He thinks that incision will be healed in about another week. I'm just hoping none of this pushes back when my restrictions get lifted on the 14th. 

I luckily haven't been in much pain. Last week I was in a little pain which another reason why I called the doctor but otherwise it hasn't been bad. I'm just looking forward to feeling normal and being able to do things like raise my arms over my head and sleep on my side. 

It's been a pretty emotional month. In my last blog I said that its brought back a lot of thoughts of cancer. Obviously I wouldn't be having this surgery if I never had cancer. But more than that sometimes I feel like cancer keeps butting in my life. It's like cancer sees I'm doing well so it throws something new at me. I wish I could get a restraining order. Last week I was really frustrated because one of the reasons I out this surgery off for so long is because I didn't want to have to deal with all of this again. So it felt like a punishment or something that I was having complications. It's bad enough that I'm permanently disfigured and have permanent discoloration from radiation but then to have my wound not heal too? I shouldn't have been surprised. After all I am usually in the small percentage that things happen to. But I'm feeling better after seeing my doctor yesterday and my incision finally look like it's starting to heal.  

On a different note, Tuesday was my head shaving cancerversary.

Bottom left and top left: 12/1/12 before and after, top middle: 12/1/13, top right: 12/1/14, bottom right: 12/1/15

I was reading my old blogs about shaving my head on Tuesday and it just seems so strange that those blogs are about me. I actually liked having a bald head once I finally had it shaved. Although I hated wearing a wig. Most days after work I'd take it off in the car on the way home from work- it makes your head so hot! And when your hair is falling out it is SO itchy! But hopefully I never have to experience that again! Growing your hair out is such a pain! I love looking back at old pictures from 2 years ago to see how crazy my hair looked while it was growing back out. 

Chemo

3 years ago today I was recovering from my first round of chemo. I can't really remember specifics about that day. I'm so glad I blogged that whole experience because either I don't really remember things or I remember them differently.

I re-read my blog (click for link) from that day and I'm struck by 2 things- I still, even after 3 years, cannot believe I had cancer and how brave I must have been walking I there for the first time. I hate to call myself brave because I didn't have a choice but I was. Your first chemo is definitely the scariest because you don't know how you react to the medicines. My chemo friend found out she had a heart condition because of her first round of chemo. 

These past 2 weeks I've been thinking about when I had cancer a lot because I am still recovering from reconstruction surgery (recovery is going good- just have to keep reminding myself that I am getting better everyday). My family and I have been through so much because of stupid cancer. The trauma of that experience will never go away. Like any other trauma as time goes on the sad and scary feelings happen less often but their intensity remains the same. I just hate this hold cancer gets to have on my life. I don't get to make many decisions without considering it and I hate it. 

This surgery recovery has been easier than last time but still annoying especially because I never wanted to have anything like this done and I will have restrictions for another month. The first time I cried at a doctors office after being diagnosed was at my plastic surgeons office because I couldn't get over how ridiculous it was that I now have a plastic surgeon. I'm annoyed that even 3 years out I am still having to change my life because of cancer. 

Speaking of that- I think we have decided to do our egg retrieval in the beginning of the year so that I can start on my lupron shots and go into menopause. So again I am not only reminded daily that I had cancer with my tamoxifen but now also monthly with a shot. Cancer never goes away.

We are starting to get a little hopeless about finding a surrogate. I just feel so blah about it. The end of the year is coming soon and I just really expected that we would have some sort of good news by now. I knew not everyone would jump at the chance to get to be our surrogate (we did have 2 great candidates that didn't work out) but I just I guess naively thought that someone would be pregnant with our child by now. Waiting is the worst. Mackenzie asks a lot about having a brother or sister and I wish I could tell her why I can't get pregnant and that we need a surrogate but I don't think at almost 6 she will understand all of it. And I don't want to upset her more than she already is. 

These "cancerversaries" always bring up a lot of emotions for me. It's crazy to remember what it was like 3 years ago going through all of this and how life is now. I am a better person for having gone through all of this but I wish that I could have learned these lessons in a less life threatening way. 

Reconstruction

Yesterday I had my reconstruction surgery that I've put off for more than 2 years. For the last week or so I have been SO nervous. Last time I had surgery I received bad news after so I think that's why I was so nervous. Also just being under general anesthesia is scary.

Mackenzie spent the night at my parents house Sunday night and we kept her out of school Monday. After we dropped her off (she asked us when we were leaving like 10 times) we went out to dinner and I ate almost 2 pounds of crab legs. So delicious! 

George and I got to the hospital at 6 am and checked in. Then the nurse called us back. I was trying to remember which room I was in last time for my surgery but there's so many pre-op rooms. My nurse was really nice and for my gown and socks and I changed. Then it was IV time! Luckily the nurse was able to place an IV on the first try as opposed to last time where it took two. 

I knew from my mastectomy that time would start going faster and faster. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me a bunch of questions and another nurse came in and gave me a patch on my neck for nausea. Then my plastic surgeon came in and drew on me- I guess to make sure I'm symmetrical. I knew from my last surgery that the when the nurse anesthetist came in I was about to go into surgery. She gave me some good meds through my IV, I kissed George goodbye and I was wheeled into the operating room. The last thing I remember was them moving my arms on the operating table and then I woke up in recovery. 

I think recovery at the hospital was easier because it was like 10am and not 8pm like last time. I think we were home around 12. I did feel nauseous when I was being wheeled to the car but I didn't get sick. I ate a lot of crackers and drank a lot of water and ginger ale and I felt much better. 

I'm really sore still. As long as I don't move I usually feel fine. I try to not take too much pain medicine but I do take it when I'm feeling extra sore. I haven't really had any pain so that's good. 

I'm glad this is over with. I should have done it 2 years ago but oh well. And I picked a great time because my surgeon is moving at the end of the year and I would hated to have someone else do it. My surgeon is such a nice guy and so calming so I'm sad that he is moving.

Now that this is over we are going to get back to finding a surrogate. We have a little more to fill out for our attorneys matching program and I'm on 2 Facebook message boards to try to match with a surrogate. We still are hoping that we can have a friend as our surrogate but at this point as long as we find a good match that is close by we will be happy! 

Surrogate application

I have to say the hardest part of needing a surrogate is that our entire fate rests on someone else. And the part that pisses me off the most is that I would probably be able to get pregnant tomorrow if we tried. But we can't. And I hate it.

We haven't gotten any takers on a surrogate. I'm not totally surprised. We had 2 volunteers. Much more than we ever expected. But it is still hard- it feels like rejection. We are still hoping that our surrogate is someone we know but it is looking more and more like it won't be.

Our attorney's office matches intended parents and surrogates. After our bad news last week I asked how we could get in that program. I was sent an 13 page application. We have to narrow our lives into 13 pages and hope that it is good enough for someone else to pick us. There are 2 potential surrogates waiting to be matched. I have no idea how many intended parents there are.

My fear is that once they read that I have a potentially fatal illness they won't pick us. I feel tremendous guilt for being the one whose fault is that this is happening. I talked to Mackenzie last week about how she would feel if she never had a brother or sister and she said sad. I asked her why? And she said because I'll be lonely. She's all ready lonely. Some nights I'm so sad I can't even face her. It's not fair that this is the life she was born into.

I feel like we are going through the grieving process. Like we just have to accept that we are going to be a 3 person family and that is that. There are a million worse things that could happen to a family. And I know Mackenzie is beyond loved by not only us but friends and family as well. She will never want for love. But I know how it feels to be lonely. How it feels to not have someone to talk to who understands what you are going through. That's my life since I was diagnosed.

Mackenzie asked George a couple weeks ago if I was having surgery after she overheard my mom and I talking. Later I asked her if she had any questions and she said no. About 2 weeks ago she asked me if surgery would hurt when they cut my belly. I asked her why she thought I was having surgery on my belly. She said she didn't know she just thought it was. This weekend, after thinking about that conversation for the last 2 weeks, it occurred to me that she might think I'm pregnant. So I asked her if she thought I was pregnant and she said she did before I told her I wasn't having surgery on my belly. I asked her why she thought that I was pregnant and she said because I was having surgery and because I've been going to the doctor a lot. I felt so awful that she probably got her hopes up thinking that a baby was coming soon. 

Speaking of me being pregnant- I've known for 3 years now that I might not ever be able to be pregnant again but it hit me really hard recently, especially after learning I need to go into menopause. I know I am beyond lucky to be able to experience one pregnancy but man, it's been a hard pill to swallow. It is so hard to see pregnancy announcements and baby bumps because I want that for us. I pray that we will one day get to expand our family but it is SO hard to remain hopeful. 

We are almost done with our application. The hardest part is writing a statement to potential surrogates. It's hard to summarize everything we want to say in a short paragraph. But the easiest part for me was describing George as a husband and father. And of course I liked seeing what he wrote about me!