5

Today marks 5 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 5 whole years since I heard the words "its invasive ductal carcinoma". It feels like its been 20 years and 1 year at the same time.

This weekend my mom, Mackenzie and I have been staying with family in Long Island and it has been so relaxing. It's so peaceful. We swam in the pool, hung around the house and ate. I've stayed off social media. Last night Sister Jeanne and Sister Mary threw me a cancerversary party! We even had cake and I blew out candles!

Today my mom, Mackenzie and I went to Long Beach. We convinced the teen at the entrance to let us put our feet in the ocean without paying $15 per person (I didn't want to have to use my cancer card!). The ocean is my sanctuary and I was SO happy to see it today. It has been a perfect girls weekend.

This last month has been tough honestly. On top of the fact that I survived 5 years which is a HUGE milestone in the cancer world, I was off my tamoxifen. I didn't realize how much it was really suppressing my hormones until I stopped it (to do another egg retrieval). I've spent a lot of time thinking about what life was like 5 years ago, before the physical, the lump, the mammogram, the ultrasound and the biopsy. Before I knew that breast cancer could be diagnosed in women so young.

And also I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I wasn't sure I would live this long. Some days I really didn't think I would live 5 more years. Its terrifying to think about. I used to just hope I would be able to see Mackenzie go to her first day of kindergarten. That was my goal. Although the survival rate for stage III breast cancer is 72%, someone has to be in the 28%. I've been in the low percent's almost my entire breast cancer journey (remember my first blog- only 10% of women who have biopsies have breast cancer- I was the 10%).

I think I've told most people I've ever talked to about my breast cancer and I know I've written about it before but I really just want to say again that cancer never goes away. You might be in remission but it is never far from your mind and it effects your daily life for YEARS after. At every appointment my oncologist asks me what side effects I still have from chemo and I always tell her that I can't think of the right words. It happens all the time. Last month I said "twice as least" when I meant half. Luckily my husband is used to this by now! And there's also the fear of recurrence or metastasis. Every headache, hip pain, back pain, whatever sends my brain to the worst possible place. Luckily for me those pains have all gone away quickly but you never know. Cancer can come back whenever it wants. And while I'm doing everything I can to keep it away, it can always come back.

There is a poem called "What cancer cannot do" that many people have probably seen that lists things like cripple love, shatter hope. What cancer can do is bring people closer together. I said in my very first blog post that I was the luckiest cancer patient around and I was right. I all ready knew that I had an amazing family and amazing friends but having cancer just magnifies their awesomeness. And cancer brought us new friends which is even better. We are so grateful to everyone who babysat, brought us food, listened to me complain, took my husband out and kept us in their thoughts and prayers.

To my beautiful Mackenzie- sometimes the guilt I feel about having cancer overwhelms me. I know it isn't my fault that I had cancer but it affected your young life so much and I'm so sorry for that. Part of the life I had planned for you has been changed but just know that I will always do whatever I can to be here on this planet for you. Without knowing it you have been my strength and my drive to keep fighting when I wanted to give up. I will fight my entire life so that you never have to go through any of this.

To my husband, my parents and my brother Ryan and sissy Claire- thank you for never leaving my side, for coming to chemo with me, for bringing me dinner and cookies, for endless hours of babysitting, for staying with me in the hospital and to my mom specifically for helping me shower after my mastectomy when I couldn't bare to face myself in the mirror. I never would have made it through all of this without you.

These past 5 years have been so emotional- I've been happy, sad, angry, nervous, exhausted, driven, overwhelmed, surprised, anxious, confident, frustrated, confused, etc., etc. But I've learned a lot about myself and life. And while I never would have chosen to join this club, I wouldn't trade the relationships or self-discovery for anything. None of us are promised a certain amount of time on earth but I'm ready to stop just living my years July 23-July 23 and really start living my years.

Egg Retrieval Update

After 11 straight days of shots- mostly 3-4 A DAY, we finally had our egg retrieval on July 5! Although it felt so high stakes because our last retrieval went so poorly, I was SO calm about the actual retrieval part the entire time. I just knew it was all completely out of our hands. Besides making sure the amount of meds were correct there was nothing else we could do to ensure that we got any eggs.

But the process itself is always VERY stressful. There are days when you have to rearrange your plans and work schedule last minute to make sure you can make it to appointments on time. The fact that Mackenzie just started camp didn't help. Usually we can drop her off at school at 7 but camp didn't start until 8 so that just made everything else more complicated. Thank God I have such an understanding boss! And then add on top of the every other day ultrasounds and blood work the daily shots. There were 2 shots starting on June 24th and then I added in a shot on the 27th. Once any follicle reaches 14mm you start the morning shot so that you don't ovulate. The 2 shots at night were sometimes 3 shots because of the dose of the one shot. It came in a vial of 300 iu but my dose was 225 iu. So the first vial I just did one injection but the next day I would have to use the rest of the first vial (one shot) and then reset another vial and do a second shot. Plus the other medication. And then wake up in the morning to other other injection. It is A LOT. So thankful that my husband give me the injections. I cannot do the injections myself!



We took the trigger shot on July 3. You have to inject it exactly 36 hours before egg retrieval. It has a MUCH larger needle and goes into the muscle, not the stomach like the others.

Our egg retrieval was on July 5. It was a good day to have it because there was NO traffic going to Rockville or coming back. It was a smooth process. They check you in, get your vitals, you meet with the anesthesiologist who starts your iv, and then the doctor who is performing the retrieval. Then when its time you go back you walk back to the OR and talk to the embryologist and you get strapped into this awful table with stirrups (I mean literally strapped in) and you fall asleep. When you wake up you're back in your room. 

I wore my "This is my lucky shirt" tshirt and my "I am lucky" socks to the retrieval!

The good news is- we got EIGHT eggs! My doctor called later that night and said 7 were mature which is AMAZING!! We are so excited with that result! 

We are doing ICSI and assisted hatching to try to get better results and the assisted hatching also because we are going to genetically test our embryos.



Our tradition of going to Krispy Kreme after visiting the Rockville office continues! At least this time we were happy eating the donuts!

July 6th- my nurse called and said that of our 7 mature eggs, 6 had become embryos! I was so excited! I feel so emotional about these little tiny babies! 

July 7th my nurse called to say that our 6 embryos were still growing! I was completely shocked by this news! But very excited! She said they wouldn't check on them on days 3 and 4 so she would call Monday.

July 10 my nurse called to say we had 4 day 5 embryos. This was SUCH great news!

Today my nurse called to say that our 4 embryos had been biopsied and frozen! We have FOUR frozen embryos! Honestly- I was really hoping they'd get 3 eggs. That was the big number for me. Obviously we hoped for much more but at the end of the day it takes ONE egg to make a baby. But I just thought if we could have 3 plus our other egg that was frozen maybe we would have 1 or 2 embryos make it to freeze. We have FOUR!! And they are going to thaw our original egg this week and go through the process to make it an embryo so we will see how that goes!

Now a sample of our embryos is being sent to the lab to have PGD testing done. We all ready know from our previous genetic tests that George and I are not carriers for the same diseases. That's great news! However embryos can have a number of abnormalities that would make a pregnancy unsuccessful and that is what we are looking for. We are not looking to do this testing to pick a certain sex. We really just want the best possible chance at a successful pregnancy we would get.

We are really excited that we have 4 little embryos sitting on ice waiting to become babies. After so many ups and downs over the past 5 years this is just such incredible news. I cannot believe we have FOUR embryos!

On another note. Now that I have once again sat in the fertility doctor waiting room for 2 weeks I am overwhelmed with sadness and compassion for the families that have to go through all of this for years. I cannot imagine women having to do all of these injections and medications and appointments month after month after month after month. 2 weeks was exhausting enough for me. And we didn't have add into it trying to get pregnant. Plus we weren't keeping anything a secret. I just can't imagine month after month of trying to get pregnant and not really having support because you "aren't supposed to tell anyone you're trying to get pregnant". There is such a sadness and loneliness you feel when you are going through this. Even if people know. I was getting so depressed having to take the shots everyday and go to the doctor and more blood drawn. Its exhausting. And that doesn't even mention the financial burden that comes with fertility treatments. The fact that my insurance "excludes" fertility treatment from being covered is absurd. Sure having a child isn't a right in life but having coverage to a medical problem should be. This shouldn't be a womens issue. This is a family issue. 1 in 8 couples are effected by infertility. That includes men.