5

Today marks 5 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 5 whole years since I heard the words "its invasive ductal carcinoma". It feels like its been 20 years and 1 year at the same time.

This weekend my mom, Mackenzie and I have been staying with family in Long Island and it has been so relaxing. It's so peaceful. We swam in the pool, hung around the house and ate. I've stayed off social media. Last night Sister Jeanne and Sister Mary threw me a cancerversary party! We even had cake and I blew out candles!

Today my mom, Mackenzie and I went to Long Beach. We convinced the teen at the entrance to let us put our feet in the ocean without paying $15 per person (I didn't want to have to use my cancer card!). The ocean is my sanctuary and I was SO happy to see it today. It has been a perfect girls weekend.

This last month has been tough honestly. On top of the fact that I survived 5 years which is a HUGE milestone in the cancer world, I was off my tamoxifen. I didn't realize how much it was really suppressing my hormones until I stopped it (to do another egg retrieval). I've spent a lot of time thinking about what life was like 5 years ago, before the physical, the lump, the mammogram, the ultrasound and the biopsy. Before I knew that breast cancer could be diagnosed in women so young.

And also I've spent a lot of time thinking about how I wasn't sure I would live this long. Some days I really didn't think I would live 5 more years. Its terrifying to think about. I used to just hope I would be able to see Mackenzie go to her first day of kindergarten. That was my goal. Although the survival rate for stage III breast cancer is 72%, someone has to be in the 28%. I've been in the low percent's almost my entire breast cancer journey (remember my first blog- only 10% of women who have biopsies have breast cancer- I was the 10%).

I think I've told most people I've ever talked to about my breast cancer and I know I've written about it before but I really just want to say again that cancer never goes away. You might be in remission but it is never far from your mind and it effects your daily life for YEARS after. At every appointment my oncologist asks me what side effects I still have from chemo and I always tell her that I can't think of the right words. It happens all the time. Last month I said "twice as least" when I meant half. Luckily my husband is used to this by now! And there's also the fear of recurrence or metastasis. Every headache, hip pain, back pain, whatever sends my brain to the worst possible place. Luckily for me those pains have all gone away quickly but you never know. Cancer can come back whenever it wants. And while I'm doing everything I can to keep it away, it can always come back.

There is a poem called "What cancer cannot do" that many people have probably seen that lists things like cripple love, shatter hope. What cancer can do is bring people closer together. I said in my very first blog post that I was the luckiest cancer patient around and I was right. I all ready knew that I had an amazing family and amazing friends but having cancer just magnifies their awesomeness. And cancer brought us new friends which is even better. We are so grateful to everyone who babysat, brought us food, listened to me complain, took my husband out and kept us in their thoughts and prayers.

To my beautiful Mackenzie- sometimes the guilt I feel about having cancer overwhelms me. I know it isn't my fault that I had cancer but it affected your young life so much and I'm so sorry for that. Part of the life I had planned for you has been changed but just know that I will always do whatever I can to be here on this planet for you. Without knowing it you have been my strength and my drive to keep fighting when I wanted to give up. I will fight my entire life so that you never have to go through any of this.

To my husband, my parents and my brother Ryan and sissy Claire- thank you for never leaving my side, for coming to chemo with me, for bringing me dinner and cookies, for endless hours of babysitting, for staying with me in the hospital and to my mom specifically for helping me shower after my mastectomy when I couldn't bare to face myself in the mirror. I never would have made it through all of this without you.

These past 5 years have been so emotional- I've been happy, sad, angry, nervous, exhausted, driven, overwhelmed, surprised, anxious, confident, frustrated, confused, etc., etc. But I've learned a lot about myself and life. And while I never would have chosen to join this club, I wouldn't trade the relationships or self-discovery for anything. None of us are promised a certain amount of time on earth but I'm ready to stop just living my years July 23-July 23 and really start living my years.