Post surgery

Yesterday marked 1 month since my reconstruction surgery. It's going okay so far. The immediate recovery was a million times easier than my mastectomy surgery which everyone told me. I went for a post-op check up a week after surgery and it was good. I broke out all over my torso immediately after surgery  and I think it's from the orange stuff they put on you before surgery. It went away by the following week.

Last Wednesday I called my doctor because it looked red around my steri-strips in my incision on my cancer side and I was worried it was getting infected. They told me to come right in and the PA looked at it. She took off the steri-strips and looked a little concerned. It wasn't infected but radiation causes all sorts of wound problems. So I got another antibiotic and told to use Neosporin on that incision. The other side looks fine. 

I went back yesterday. I was supposed to go this Friday but my doctors office called yesterday to say they wanted to see me sooner. I guess the PA and my doctor were talking about me Tuesday and my doctor was concerned enough that he wanted to see me sooner. Luckily the PA was in the room with the doctor and she thought it looked much better. My doctor changed me to a prescription ointment and extended my 2nd antibiotic. He thinks that incision will be healed in about another week. I'm just hoping none of this pushes back when my restrictions get lifted on the 14th. 

I luckily haven't been in much pain. Last week I was in a little pain which another reason why I called the doctor but otherwise it hasn't been bad. I'm just looking forward to feeling normal and being able to do things like raise my arms over my head and sleep on my side. 

It's been a pretty emotional month. In my last blog I said that its brought back a lot of thoughts of cancer. Obviously I wouldn't be having this surgery if I never had cancer. But more than that sometimes I feel like cancer keeps butting in my life. It's like cancer sees I'm doing well so it throws something new at me. I wish I could get a restraining order. Last week I was really frustrated because one of the reasons I out this surgery off for so long is because I didn't want to have to deal with all of this again. So it felt like a punishment or something that I was having complications. It's bad enough that I'm permanently disfigured and have permanent discoloration from radiation but then to have my wound not heal too? I shouldn't have been surprised. After all I am usually in the small percentage that things happen to. But I'm feeling better after seeing my doctor yesterday and my incision finally look like it's starting to heal.  

On a different note, Tuesday was my head shaving cancerversary.

Bottom left and top left: 12/1/12 before and after, top middle: 12/1/13, top right: 12/1/14, bottom right: 12/1/15

I was reading my old blogs about shaving my head on Tuesday and it just seems so strange that those blogs are about me. I actually liked having a bald head once I finally had it shaved. Although I hated wearing a wig. Most days after work I'd take it off in the car on the way home from work- it makes your head so hot! And when your hair is falling out it is SO itchy! But hopefully I never have to experience that again! Growing your hair out is such a pain! I love looking back at old pictures from 2 years ago to see how crazy my hair looked while it was growing back out. 

Chemo

3 years ago today I was recovering from my first round of chemo. I can't really remember specifics about that day. I'm so glad I blogged that whole experience because either I don't really remember things or I remember them differently.

I re-read my blog (click for link) from that day and I'm struck by 2 things- I still, even after 3 years, cannot believe I had cancer and how brave I must have been walking I there for the first time. I hate to call myself brave because I didn't have a choice but I was. Your first chemo is definitely the scariest because you don't know how you react to the medicines. My chemo friend found out she had a heart condition because of her first round of chemo. 

These past 2 weeks I've been thinking about when I had cancer a lot because I am still recovering from reconstruction surgery (recovery is going good- just have to keep reminding myself that I am getting better everyday). My family and I have been through so much because of stupid cancer. The trauma of that experience will never go away. Like any other trauma as time goes on the sad and scary feelings happen less often but their intensity remains the same. I just hate this hold cancer gets to have on my life. I don't get to make many decisions without considering it and I hate it. 

This surgery recovery has been easier than last time but still annoying especially because I never wanted to have anything like this done and I will have restrictions for another month. The first time I cried at a doctors office after being diagnosed was at my plastic surgeons office because I couldn't get over how ridiculous it was that I now have a plastic surgeon. I'm annoyed that even 3 years out I am still having to change my life because of cancer. 

Speaking of that- I think we have decided to do our egg retrieval in the beginning of the year so that I can start on my lupron shots and go into menopause. So again I am not only reminded daily that I had cancer with my tamoxifen but now also monthly with a shot. Cancer never goes away.

We are starting to get a little hopeless about finding a surrogate. I just feel so blah about it. The end of the year is coming soon and I just really expected that we would have some sort of good news by now. I knew not everyone would jump at the chance to get to be our surrogate (we did have 2 great candidates that didn't work out) but I just I guess naively thought that someone would be pregnant with our child by now. Waiting is the worst. Mackenzie asks a lot about having a brother or sister and I wish I could tell her why I can't get pregnant and that we need a surrogate but I don't think at almost 6 she will understand all of it. And I don't want to upset her more than she already is. 

These "cancerversaries" always bring up a lot of emotions for me. It's crazy to remember what it was like 3 years ago going through all of this and how life is now. I am a better person for having gone through all of this but I wish that I could have learned these lessons in a less life threatening way. 

Reconstruction

Yesterday I had my reconstruction surgery that I've put off for more than 2 years. For the last week or so I have been SO nervous. Last time I had surgery I received bad news after so I think that's why I was so nervous. Also just being under general anesthesia is scary.

Mackenzie spent the night at my parents house Sunday night and we kept her out of school Monday. After we dropped her off (she asked us when we were leaving like 10 times) we went out to dinner and I ate almost 2 pounds of crab legs. So delicious! 

George and I got to the hospital at 6 am and checked in. Then the nurse called us back. I was trying to remember which room I was in last time for my surgery but there's so many pre-op rooms. My nurse was really nice and for my gown and socks and I changed. Then it was IV time! Luckily the nurse was able to place an IV on the first try as opposed to last time where it took two. 

I knew from my mastectomy that time would start going faster and faster. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me a bunch of questions and another nurse came in and gave me a patch on my neck for nausea. Then my plastic surgeon came in and drew on me- I guess to make sure I'm symmetrical. I knew from my last surgery that the when the nurse anesthetist came in I was about to go into surgery. She gave me some good meds through my IV, I kissed George goodbye and I was wheeled into the operating room. The last thing I remember was them moving my arms on the operating table and then I woke up in recovery. 

I think recovery at the hospital was easier because it was like 10am and not 8pm like last time. I think we were home around 12. I did feel nauseous when I was being wheeled to the car but I didn't get sick. I ate a lot of crackers and drank a lot of water and ginger ale and I felt much better. 

I'm really sore still. As long as I don't move I usually feel fine. I try to not take too much pain medicine but I do take it when I'm feeling extra sore. I haven't really had any pain so that's good. 

I'm glad this is over with. I should have done it 2 years ago but oh well. And I picked a great time because my surgeon is moving at the end of the year and I would hated to have someone else do it. My surgeon is such a nice guy and so calming so I'm sad that he is moving.

Now that this is over we are going to get back to finding a surrogate. We have a little more to fill out for our attorneys matching program and I'm on 2 Facebook message boards to try to match with a surrogate. We still are hoping that we can have a friend as our surrogate but at this point as long as we find a good match that is close by we will be happy! 

Surrogate application

I have to say the hardest part of needing a surrogate is that our entire fate rests on someone else. And the part that pisses me off the most is that I would probably be able to get pregnant tomorrow if we tried. But we can't. And I hate it.

We haven't gotten any takers on a surrogate. I'm not totally surprised. We had 2 volunteers. Much more than we ever expected. But it is still hard- it feels like rejection. We are still hoping that our surrogate is someone we know but it is looking more and more like it won't be.

Our attorney's office matches intended parents and surrogates. After our bad news last week I asked how we could get in that program. I was sent an 13 page application. We have to narrow our lives into 13 pages and hope that it is good enough for someone else to pick us. There are 2 potential surrogates waiting to be matched. I have no idea how many intended parents there are.

My fear is that once they read that I have a potentially fatal illness they won't pick us. I feel tremendous guilt for being the one whose fault is that this is happening. I talked to Mackenzie last week about how she would feel if she never had a brother or sister and she said sad. I asked her why? And she said because I'll be lonely. She's all ready lonely. Some nights I'm so sad I can't even face her. It's not fair that this is the life she was born into.

I feel like we are going through the grieving process. Like we just have to accept that we are going to be a 3 person family and that is that. There are a million worse things that could happen to a family. And I know Mackenzie is beyond loved by not only us but friends and family as well. She will never want for love. But I know how it feels to be lonely. How it feels to not have someone to talk to who understands what you are going through. That's my life since I was diagnosed.

Mackenzie asked George a couple weeks ago if I was having surgery after she overheard my mom and I talking. Later I asked her if she had any questions and she said no. About 2 weeks ago she asked me if surgery would hurt when they cut my belly. I asked her why she thought I was having surgery on my belly. She said she didn't know she just thought it was. This weekend, after thinking about that conversation for the last 2 weeks, it occurred to me that she might think I'm pregnant. So I asked her if she thought I was pregnant and she said she did before I told her I wasn't having surgery on my belly. I asked her why she thought that I was pregnant and she said because I was having surgery and because I've been going to the doctor a lot. I felt so awful that she probably got her hopes up thinking that a baby was coming soon. 

Speaking of me being pregnant- I've known for 3 years now that I might not ever be able to be pregnant again but it hit me really hard recently, especially after learning I need to go into menopause. I know I am beyond lucky to be able to experience one pregnancy but man, it's been a hard pill to swallow. It is so hard to see pregnancy announcements and baby bumps because I want that for us. I pray that we will one day get to expand our family but it is SO hard to remain hopeful. 

We are almost done with our application. The hardest part is writing a statement to potential surrogates. It's hard to summarize everything we want to say in a short paragraph. But the easiest part for me was describing George as a husband and father. And of course I liked seeing what he wrote about me!

New news

Last Wednesday I had 2 doctors appointments- 1 with my GP for pre-op screening and 1 with my oncologist for my yearly check up and Thursday I had my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon.

My appointment with my GP was good- I got some tests run including an EKG. It's weird to be so young and have had so many tests on my heart all ready. The appointment with my plastic surgeon was good too- we just talked options and a little about the surgery. It is supposedly easier than my mastectomy so I'm hoping that is true. My surgery is supposed to start at 7:30 am so hopefully I will be home by the time Mackenzie gets home from school.

At my oncologist I got blood work (which was good) and waited FOREVER for my appointment. When I was finally called back and met with my oncologist she told me that since I saw her last year there has been a new study that shows that younger women who have breast cancer who go into menopause after treatment fair better then women who don't. I'm not in menopause. I have 2 choices- take a medication called Lupron monthly via injection until I go into menopause myself or have a hysterectomy. 

I always assumed once we had another child I would have a hysterectomy. I always felt like it would help my chances of survival but I was surprised it is now being recommended to all young women. I'm going to start with Lupron and then eventually have a hysterectomy and just get it over with. I can't see myself getting monthly injections for the next 30 years. 

We also had a friend volunteer to be our surrogate a while ago and we have been slowly going through the process with her. We were really hopeful because she would have been a great surrogate and we all agreed on everything we talked about. Then Wednesday night we found out that my doctors office disqualified her. Not for anything she did or that could have been changed. Just that which ever program they follow limits the amount of births and c-sections a surrogate can have. Which is information I wasn't given 6 months ago when I asked what the qualifications were. 

So obviously Wednesday night wasn't a great night. I think it was harder to hear that our friend was disqualified more than it was to hear about having to go into menopause. But I guess our plan now is to do egg retrieval as soon as possible (after reconstructive surgery on November 2nd) and then start Lupron. 

Which brings us to our next topic- WE STILL NEED A SURROGATE. The new qualifications we received said that she must be 43 or younger, BMI under 35, have had 2 c-sections or less and 4 births or less. 

In January when I posted about the "Year of the baby" (click for link) I fully expected that we would have a surrogate  pregnant by now. But it's been a pretty disappointing year. And we are REALLY trying to not give up hope but it's been hard to remain hopeful. Our fate remains in someone else's hands and that is really hard to deal with. We have gone through so many ups and downs in this process. And every time there is an up we start to dream about this baby and then there has always been a down shortly after. 

If you have any other questions about our feeling towards certain topics- why we need a surrogate, our opinion on selective reduction or how many embryos we want to transfer CLICK HERE for our FAQ's post. We are open to questions at any time in any forum- even if you don't think you could be our surrogate. Like I've said before- we know this is A LOT. It's more than you could even imagine- how do you tell your kids, what do you tell work/your friends and family, how are the injections and medications going to effect you. It's a lot to think about and talk to your family about.

But this new information about going into menopause has really shaken us up. Like I said- I always thought I would have a hysterectomy anyways but now there is a rush on me at least starting these injections soon. And not having a surrogate all ready made that information even harder to hear. Please at least consider sharing this post with your friends or family who you think could help. We would love to use someone we know but are getting to the point where we might have to use a stranger. Mostly we hope that our surrogate will live close to us so we can go to appointments and be there for the birth.

Thanks again for your continued support. I never imagined at 31 (almost 32) that I would be sitting here asking for a surrogate and waiting to have my reconstructive surgery for breast cancer. But this is our new life and we will continue to soldier on. 

Genetics

After much debate George and I decided to have a genetic test done to see if we were carrier for any diseases. It's a weird thing to be able to do because it could potentially change a lot. And sometimes ignorance is bliss. But I'm really glad we did it. It is good information for our families to have as well, especially Mackenzie and our future child/ren.

It only took 2 weeks but we got the results back last Thursday. The great news is that we are carriers of different things so there is almost no chance of having a child with any of these disease. Of course they will never say 100% chance but we will take the odds we have! 

George is a carrier of Biotinidase deficiency & Mucolipidosis IV. Biotinidase deficiency is just a vitamin deficiency that is really treatable with medication so that's good news. Mucolipidosis IV is a break down of fatty acids that causes a metabolic disorder. Although most people with this disorder can live to their 40's they never learn to walk and their mental capacity stays around age 12-18 months (per Counsyl's website). 

I am a carrier of Spinal Muscular Atrophy. This was kind of scary for me because my grandmother died of ALS before my brother and I were born so I was worried that this might mean I have the gene for ALS as well. But per the lady from Counsyl during my phone consultation there are different genes for SMA and ALS so my risk of ALS is not greater than anyone else. 

It's weird because I follow a woman on instagram whose daughter was born with SMA and that's how I first learned about it. It is such a nasty disease so when I found out that I was a carrier for it it was shocking. I am just so glad that George isn't a carrier for it as well. Of course there are no guarantees but the chances of us having a child with SMA are pretty small. But we do know that I am the queen of slim chances! 

We are also going to have the embryos tested for chromosomal abnormalities. We are just trying to get the best possible odds possible for our future transfer. 

Speaking of embryos- we don't have a date yet to do egg retrieval. I have my reconstruction surgery on November 2nd. This is the surgery I was supposed to have like 1.5 years ago but have been pushing off. So I finally scheduled it. This takes priority over egg retrieval and I want to make sure I'm recovered before we start scheduling egg retrieval. 

Truthfully I'm not really looking forward to either. But I am excited to see how many eggs we get this time and how many healthy embryos we can make. It's so interesting that some people get a ton of eggs during retrieval but then only end up with 1 or 2 good embryos or some people get like 7 eggs and almost all become good embryos. We are optimistic that this time we will get a lot more eggs and then end up with good quality embryos! 

FAQ

As we have been learning about surrogacy for the past 3 years sometimes I forget that not everyone has as much information as we have. We know a lot but are in no way experts! Especially since we haven't actually used a surrogate yet. So I thought I'd put together a list of questions that people might have or have asked us and answer them- feel free to ask any other questions you might have!

Why do you need a surrogate if you don't have cancer anymore?
This is probably the most common question we get. The biggest reason is because while it's true that I am in remission the chance of recurrence even after 3 years is still a huge possibility. I am currently taking tamoxifen which is an estrogen antagonist. Being pregnant means I would produce a lot of estrogen which is what fuels my cancer. So if I was pregnant I would have to stop the tamoxifen (which is blocking estrogen essentially) and I would be adding in a lot of estrogen in my body. While taking tamoxifen isn't a guarantee that I won't get cancer again, my doctor and I aren't comfortable risking me being off it to be pregnant. My prescription for tamoxifen is for 5-10 years and I've only been on it for 2.

Edited to add: my oncologist recently told me I need to go into menopause because new studies show that young women in menopause after cancer have less rate of recurrence. This news means that any chance of me ever being pregnant again is over.

Does the surrogate use her own eggs?
Not in our case. We are going to use a gestational surrogate which means the embryo will come from George and I and then be implanted into the surrogate. We will do another egg retrieval and then fertilize the good quality eggs we get that will then be implanted into the surrogate.

Isn't there a possibility of the surrogate carrying a lot of babies?
Technically there could be however we wouldn't want more than twins. Our plan is to implant 2 embryos and if both stick then that's great. If one sticks that's great. And if none stick then we will try again. There is of course, a chance that either or both embryo could split into 2 or 3. If there were more than 3 then we would, unfortunately, chose to selectively reduce. I know a lot of people might not agree with that and it feels like beggars can't be choosers but in this case we actually can chose. Carrying more than 2 babies just isn't safe for the surrogate or the babies nor do we feel capable for caring for that many children.

Edited to add: As we have gone along this journey we have realized that transferring more than 1 embryo only gives us a better chance of having multiples. We have changed our position on how many embryos to transfer- as of now we would only transfer one embryo unless our doctor recommends otherwise.

How do I qualify to be a surrogate?
My doctor said his ideal surrogate would be 40 or under (although he said age isn't THAT important), in good health and has given birth to healthy children. Having a child is a state law for surrogacy. I used to think the surrogate had to be married but that is not the case. However if she is married her husband obviously has to agree to his wife being a surrogate.

Edited to add: new guidelines from my doctor say a potential surrogate should be under 43, BMI under 35, no more than 2 c-sections and no more than 4 births. My doctor follows the ASRM guidelines and won't budge from these requirements.

The first steps are being medically cleared by my fertility doctor, George and I and the surrogate and her partner if she has one have to be cleared by a psychologist and our attorney will check the surrogates insurance to make sure it covers her pregnancy. Once those things go through we would go to contract which means we would both fill out the questionnaire where we agree to all of the questions and submit that to my attorney. The surrogate can either hire her own attorney (that we would pay for) or use an attorney recommended by our attorney (it can't be our attorney because of conflict of interest) and once we agree to the contract the process of the surrogate being pregnant would begin.

What is the commitment in terms of appointments and time off work?
I don't have a definite answer for this. In the beginning there will be a couple of doctors appointments and a psychologist appointment. Obviously when it gets closer to transfer time there will be more frequent appointments but it is my understanding that the surrogate won't have to necessarily go to the Shady Grove I go to to have this done. And their appointments are pretty early in the morning. And then once the surrogate is pregnant there will be a couple appointments with Shady Grove (every couple weeks) and then she will be released to her doctor who will see her as a regular pregnancy- once a month until she gets closer to the due date.

Why don't you just use an agency to find a surrogate?
We would love to do this. In fact our attorney's office matches gestational surrogates and intended parents for free. But we don't have an extra $20,000. This process cost around $35,000 without considering the payment to the surrogate. To be frank- we can pay a surrogate something but we just can't afford the going rate which is why we have been hoping that someone we know will want to be our carrier.

What would I have to pay for as the surrogate?
Nothing. George and I and your insurance would cover everything. All of the pre-screening, all of the attorney expenses, all of your co-pays and out of pocket expenses would be covered by us. This is something that our contact would cover and would also include how much we would pay the surrogate per month, per cycle if the first cycle doesn't work, if shes carrying twins, ect.

I am afraid that I will want to keep the baby once it is born if I am your surrogate. (Not a question but a legitimate concern)
I can totally understand this concern. I felt totally bonded with Mackenzie the entire time I was pregnant, from the second I saw the positive on the test. But I think that it will be different going into this knowing that in the end you won't take a baby home. Not everyone can handle that, and I totally get it. But that is also why there is a contract in place.

What kind of contact do you expect of the surrogate during pregnancy and after the birth?
During the pregnancy I expect to go to every prenatal appointment. This is one big reason we would like the surrogate to live fairly close to us. We don't need a text or email for every little movement or kick but I guess depending on who the surrogate is and how close we are with them before the process started we wouldn't mind!

Part of the contract will talk about what will happen in the hospital after the baby is born. George and I are willing to leave some of this open to the surrogate. George and I want the baby to be handed to us directly after birth. After the birth, the surrogate may not want to see the baby that much or she may want to see the baby as often as possible. We want to do whatever feels most comfortable for all of us. I'm certainly not going to rip a baby out of our surrogates arms and never let her see the baby again. The surrogate will bond with this baby while she is carrying it no matter what. So to just take the baby away without giving her a chance to come to terms with her journey ending is not fair to the surrogate. Our hope is that the hospital won't be too full and George, the baby and I will be able to have our own room and the surrogate will be able to have her own room (again at no cost to her). Otherwise, as I understand it, the only time we will be able to take the baby out of the nursery is when we take it to the surrogates room. And she might be okay with that (we are okay with that too) but I just think it could become a little burdensome to all of us.

After we all leave the hospital I guess future contact will depend on our relationship with the surrogate. Again, I know that she will bond with this baby so I imagine that we will continue contact. I guess the amount of contact will be something we will have to figure out as time goes on. I don't necessarily think that any of us should feel pressure to see each other a certain amount of times a month/year but I guess we will have to see how the whole process goes. We certainly don't want to overload the surrogate with baby information/pictures after she delivers in case she might need some space to recover from the whole process.

What say does the surrogate get in her medical care regarding the pregnancy and testing, diet, ect?
Our contact is VERY specific and all of these questions have to be agreed on and in our contract before we can proceed with any type of embryo transfer. Some of the questions- as mentioned above- talk about selective reduction and abortion. We have answered most of the questions that we would like the option to have our carrier selectively reduce or abort the baby if there are life threatening problems and this is something that our surrogate would have to agree with us on. Obviously we hope that the baby is healthy and we don't have to worry about any of that. We are getting ALL of the genetic pre-screening available (on George and I and the embryo before it is transferred)  but I guess there is always a chance something goes wrong. But ultimately our number one concern is the health of our surrogate. We would never ask her to keep carrying a pregnancy that is detrimental to her health.

In regards to while the surrogate is pregnant- these are things we will have to discuss with the surrogate and decide what we are all comfortable with. I didn't do any testing while I was pregnant with Mackenzie and I kind of expect the same for our future baby, especially since we are doing so much genetic testing all ready. In terms of diet, we just expect that the surrogate will abstain from all tobacco, illegal drugs and alcohol during the pregnancy. I think most women change their eating habits at least a little bit while their pregnant and I'm not really worried about that unless her doctor thinks there is a problem.

In terms of what doctor the surrogate will see- her own. I think its important for every woman to find a doctor that they are comfortable with so we wouldn't ask for her to change. That goes for hospital as well. We live in an area where every hospital is reputable and we know our baby would get the best care so we will deliver wherever the surrogate is comfortable.

Will you expect the surrogate to pump and provide breast milk?
Again we will leave this up to the surrogate. Some might want to do this for us and the baby but we aren't expecting it. I can imagine after giving birth the surrogate might want to be done with anything baby related and we totally understand.

Who will decide the birth plan?

Ultimately because this is our baby George and I will make medical decisions on the babies behalf. However, like I said before, our surrogates health is most important. Because the surrogate will have all ready given birth the birth plan might be set from the beginning (i.e. Must have a c-section) but as we all know not every birth is the same. We are totally open to discuss this with the surrogate as she may have specific things she wants in the room or specific way she is hoping for the birth to go. Another thing to consider is that George and I would like to be in the room for our babies birth. Again this may not be possible for whatever reason but it is something we would all have to discuss.

Why don't you just adopt/why do you need to have another child? 

We've thought about it all. We have looked into adoption extensively. But we feel like we have the resources to have a biological child so that is what we would like to do. As for the second part- believe me we have gone back and forth with this for years. Recently I went on a trip to visit my bestie Laurie in Massachusetts with Mackenzie and it was SO easy! She is at such a great age- she gets her self dressed, she plays by herself, she can get herself in and out of the car and she is SO independent! When I got home from Massachusetts I turned to George and asked- do we really want to do this? And we talked about it for a few minutes and then I just started crying. It's easy to pretend that we are handling this well emotionally but the truth is that sometimes we aren't. It's easy to not think about all of this for awhile but then when you do it really hits you. We want another child. Like today. We talk about him or her all the time and Mackenzie just started telling us that she says a prayer to herself that she will get a brother or sister. I thought about how hard it would be to tell Mackenzie that we changed our mind and that we were just going to be a family of 3. And I thought that if that's what George and I decide then that's what will happen. That's not why we want another child. But the thought of not expanding our family feels like a part is missing from our hearts. We had a lead on a potential surrogate and we got our hopes up- through no fault of any of us- but we didn't really realize it until it was over. I realized that I had been looking at car seats and all the things that go along with newborns or twins and I got really caught up in it. So I think that is why we have been kind of quiet lately. We don't want to get our hopes up again so it all feels kind of blah right now- which we hate. 

I have to say that this has been one of the hardest side effects of having cancer. It has lasted 3 years and there is no end in sight so far. We have done most of what we can do in terms of our testing so we are just waiting. When we went to our financial appointment she asked if we were ready to start right away or in August and I just thought- wow I can't believe it's going so quickly. Then when I realized it was September I got really sad because like I said before we had our hopes up and so a timeline started in our head and we planned all of it- when we would do the transfer, when/how we would tell Mackenzie/others and now there is no timeline. We know that this is A LOT. I can't say that enough. After saying all of this- we aren't giving up hope and we aren't going to give up. It's not happening in our timeline (or we'd have a 2.5 year old) but we are adjusting.