Half way done!

It's been a way busy month. I'm guessing that's why I ended up in the emergency room at 930pm on Christmas Eve. I woke up and had a temperature of 99.0, then I took my temperature around 3 or so at work and it was 100.2 (I have to call the doctor when my temperature gets to 100.5). I came home from work around 5:30 and took a nap. When I woke up I could feel my skin burning. I took my temperature again at 8:30 and it was 101.6. I was so upset when the doctor said I had to go to the ER. I didn't know if I'd be there for hours or days. It all depended on how my blood work looked. So my mom came and picked me up and off we went. Luckily they were able to use my port for blood draws and as my iv. They gave me Tylenol, ran my labs and I had a chest x-ray. Then I was discharged around 11:50. I was SO happy to be home for Christmas. I would have hated to miss Mackenzie and George opening their presents without me...which was the instructions I left for him when I left.

Backtracking a little bit...Mackenzie celebrated Christmas at daycare the week before Christmas. She got up when her name was called and walked right up to Santa, got her present and posed for a picture. I could not believe it. The last 2 years shes been scared to death of him. I think this year she really got that Santa is a person that brings gifts. What could be better?

I was a little concerned that I had a terrible hairline but then I realized that those are just bald spots. The top of my head is almost completely bald but I still have most of my shaved hair in the back still which doesn't make much sense to me. Its still pretty itchy so I'm ready for it to all fall out, and then grow back! 

I'm still loving my wig. I feel like a spy still. I also forget that my hair isn't red. And I still hate when people think its just dyed and colored. I usually tell them its not my hair if they know I have cancer, but if they don't I just say thank you if them compliment it. Its been pretty hard because I feel like I'm lying but I know not everyone really needs to know whats going on. If they think its my real hair than my wig is doing a great job!

I went to try on hats at Target and thought this hat was so cute until I realized that it had holes in it which would defeat the purpose of me wearing a hat! It was really cute though!

I finally received my free scarf from Good Wishes. They are a non-profit that sends you an scarf on their website that you want for free. Included with the scarf is a hand written note from each staff member. I thought that was so awesome because they really personalized it to you.

Besides my trip to the hospital on Christmas Eve, my Christmas was amazing. A lot of family time, great presents and delicious food. Watching Mackenzie open her presents and really believe in Santa is so fun. She is a great age for this season. I'm not sure she'll let use put the Christmas tree away but we'll try! 

I had my third out of six chemo treatments today. It went fine. My mom came with me. It seemed longer than my other treatments but I don't think it really was. They were really busy so my meds weren't always started the second the previous med was finished and beeped and that's fine. I don't have anything else to do on chemo Thursdays! I got a chance to talk to my chemo friends there. Its great to have them to ask questions or to answer questions. We all have had different paths and treatments so far. One has a similar treatment path as me and one is doing surgery after chemo. They are both 1 treatment ahead of me so they'll finish on my 5th treatment. It will be sad not to finish the same time as them but its been great to have them there. 

So far I've felt okay. My mom and I went to breakfast before then to lunch after. I came home and took my anti-nausea meds as well as Dayquil. Tonight I'll take more anti-nausea, Robitussin, my steroid, Claritin and my antibiotic. Thank God I have a pill organizer to keep my chemo brain straight. I'm not sure how having a cold is going to mix with chemo but as long as I have meds to counter act my side effects I should be fine. 

I'm so happy to be half way done!! 

Round 2 recap

Chemo was Thursday and I've been holding up pretty good. I didn't lose my taste this time (yet) which was a bonus but I did have a few more stomach problems this time. But like last time it really wasn't as bad as I was expecting. The hardest part for me is that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel fine so I sit around waiting for a terrible side effect to come. You never know if it will or not and its annoying. I wish like most prescriptions, you got the side effects you got, instead of wondering what this time will bring.

My main side effect this round came from my Neulasta shot that I get on Friday. I feel fine until my steroids wear off late Saturday into Sunday and then I'm in some pain. Its not unbearable. I only took Tylenol once yesterday but that was mostly stupidity on my part. I'm not sure why I'm SO against taking medication for my side effects but I'm trying to get over that. I slept horribly last night from the pain and just my stomach feeling uneasy. So I took Tylenol and my anti-nausea medication and then I worried that you aren't supposed to take them together!

The pain from the Neulasta is also more like an achy/ stiffness pain and not like sharp pain. Luckily with this medicine you know what your side effect is the first time. The pain seemed worse this round but I don't know if that's just because I recognized it sooner than I did the first round. Last round I thought I was just sore from lack of movement. I also took more anti-nausea medication this time. I took it at any hint of stomach discomfort just in case. Maybe by round 3 I'll get all my side effect medication down!

I think I'm recovering a little quicker from this round too. But I say that with an abundance of caution because I know that the effects of chemo are cumulative and I could have more side effects tomorrow. The joy of chemo is always the unknown! But I'm hoping that what my doctor said is true: the first few days are the hardest and then the days get easier and easier.

Wednesday/Thursday before chemo I felt like I've never had chemo before which is a great feeling. My treatments are perfectly timed for my life and my next round is 2 days after Christmas which is great. I'm glad that I should be feeling almost 100%. Plus the next couple of weeks are going to be so busy and I want to make Christmas as magical for Mackenzie as possible. She deserves to have Christmas be what every 2 year old thinks it is. So if that means I'm a little more tired than usual, so be it. Especially this year, we have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm still getting used to not having hair. I have phantom hair syndrome. I still reach for it to pick at split ends when I'm bored and I went to put it up tonight before I took a shower. I had to ask George how to wash your head when you don't have any hair. I'm glad I bought 2 in 1 shampoo after my mastectomy because I would feel so odd conditioning my bald head! Maybe I'm supposed to!

2 down

Wahoo! Only 4 more to go! My friend Beka was here from California and offered to come to treatment with me which was great! We had so much fun and laughed a ton. And laughter is the best medicine! We started out our day having a giant breakfast at the diner by my house then headed to chemo. It seemed like the pre-chemo drugs took a long time today or like we got to a slow start. But we were only there for about 3.5 hours which was faster than last time.

Funny story from chemo: as we were leaving I stopped by the front desk to see if I needed to do anything else and they said no. I turned around to leave and I heard one of them say "I love your hair" and I started to turn back around to say thank you" when I heard Beka say thank you and realized that I have no hair! Oops!

I also had to get a shot of Lupron which is supposed to "quiet" my ovaries during chemo. The shot is once a month just while I have chemo. It's pretty newly approved for this use but my fertility doctor said they've seen amazing results in other countries and the US is finally catching up. I thought Lupron was going to be like a daily pill and I don't know why I was so shocked when my nurse practitioner told me that it was a shot. Everything about fertility comes in shot form. But at least they do it and I don't have to have George give me anymore shots!

I took my anti-nausea just a couple hours after my treatment this time. I have a hard time trying to figure out if I'm really nauseous or I need to eat. But once you feel nauseous the last thing you want to do is eat. So I think for the next couple days I'm going to eat little meals/snacks all day and see how that makes me feel. I started using My Fitness Pal again mostly to track my eating after chemo but also so I don't keep eating like crap. I can't use the "I have cancer so I eat what I want" excuse forever. It will help me also see what foods I did well with and what foods to maybe avoid next treatment.

I just want to thank everyone for your continued support. The Meal Train website says dates usually fill up quick and they were right. There are only 2 days left at the end. I asked George last night if we could just keep the calendar going and see how long we could get delicious meals even when treatment is over! It's just so thoughtful and it's SO helpful! I can't imagine anyone having to go through this without as much support as I constantly feel. Texts, calls, emails are always welcome, especially when they aren't cancer related!

Today I've been feeling pretty good. I had my Neulasta shot which was less painful than last time. Michele and her husband Stuart brought us our dinner(s) and we visited for awhile then I went back to what I now call my "chemo coma". I woke up when George brought Mackenzie home. Sleeping feels so great! I ate lunch and dinner just fine but I think I'm starting to lose my taste which I was expecting. I bought children's mouthwash because mouthwash for adults was way too hard on my mouth last time. My tongue would burn when I would use it.

I saw my 2 chemo friends yesterday and they both said they did pretty good after their 2nd treatment (they are 1 ahead of me) so that was good to hear. One of them had a hard time after the first round and the other one had a pretty easy round. We'll see what they say about their round 3 next time!

The night before chemo (round 2)

Tomorrow is my second round of chemo. I'm a little more anxious for the second round because I don't know if my side effects are going to be the same or worse. My nurse practitioner told me today that I was a "chemo rock star" and that if your first round goes well usually the second round goes well too. Like I did last round, I'm going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I know this time that my mouth is going to be sore and have some problems, including the loss of taste. But this time I'm going to try to eat/drink more cold things. I avoided them last time because the nurse told me if I can't taste then room temperature food would probably be best. And I am going to limit/avoid dairy because I think it made me feel really sick.

I'm hoping that I just have the same queasiness that I had last time and nothing worse. I hate the feeling of an uneasy stomach and I definitely hate throwing up. The fatigue was hard but I love to sleep so that's probably the best side effect.

Sunday I went with my mom out to lunch then to the wig store. I wore only my hat. We ended up getting the wig I tried on a couple weeks/months ago. I like it so much better than the first wig I got. This is the new wig. I love it!

This is what I looked like before the wig.

I'm loving the bald look. I thought I might love it but I wasn't sure if I was just trying to psych myself out. Its so easy! The first thing I do when I get home is take the wig off and let my head air out. It feels amazing! Mackenzie's getting used to my new look. I ask her if she wants to touch my hair and she says "you don't have hair!". I'm glad she is taking it so well. I think if I had a desk job where I only saw coworkers all day I would just wear a hat to work. But I'm getting used to the wig thing.

Sunday when I got home we decorated the house for Christmas. This month is going to fly by and I just didn't think there would be another good weekend to do it. Mackenzie is SO excited for Christmas this year! She loves to see the lights on peoples houses and we talk about Santa a lot and ask her what she wants this year (2 Cinderella's). I'm excited to see if she will actually go to see Santa this year or if she will still be too nervous to sit on his lap.

Goodbye hair

This week was emotionally hard for me. I spent a lot a time in front of the mirror crying. I just kept thinking ___ more days with my hair. I was seeing my hair as my entire identity. It wasn't until today when I was looking in the mirror, tearing up and I told myself  "you are not your hair". It sounds so stupid. But like I said before I've always identified myself as the red head. And right now I'm not that girl. But I know I'm still the same Kyle on the inside, with or without any hair.

Today, my friend Christy came over and she took some family pictures of us. Then we all loaded up into the car and drove to Zoe Salon in Fair Oaks Mall. Brandon led us back to the spa area and into a massage room where my hair cut would happen. I wasn't really sure how it was going to go but I told him that I wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love and I was happy that they send your hair off because some salons don't do it for you. He put my hair into 2 pigtails and cut them off. Just like that. I felt like Rapunzel at the end of Tangled (can you tell all we watch is Princess movies!). After that he just started shaving. No count down, no nothing. Just started buzzing away. I think it was good that there were no mirrors in the room. I think it went easier because I couldn't see myself the whole time.

So in front of my parents, George, Mackenzie, Kelly and Christy I shaved my head. It went faster and easier than I thought. After he shaved it, Brandon washed my head and then cut my bangs on my wig. I'm still not used to wearing the wig. I feel like people know I'm wearing a wig. I'm sure they don't but since I can feel it, I think people can see it. It will take awhile to get used to I'm sure. But I actually think I look pretty decent bald.

In the end, I'm really happy that I did this. 2 days ago I couldn't imagine how I was ever going to get through this but its been hard to watch my hair fall out. I was starting to dread having to brush it in the morning because I knew I'd lose a lot. The back of my head was starting to hurt because my head was so tender. I was pulling out so much hair any time I would touch my hair and it was just falling out on its own and was all over everything. I still have a ton all over all of my clothes.

So here it is, my in my wig and me au natural.

I'm not 100% sure about the wig but my mom and I are going tomorrow to look at some more. We'll see. 

This picture shows my natural part. I'm not sure if you can see it. Its a perfect center part. So funny! 

So that's it. No tears, no fuss. I did it and its over. I'm so ready for the end of February to be here so it can start growing back but for now its not as bad as I thought. My poor head is just freezing! 

Clumps of hair

Today is the day that I've been dreading. My hair officially started to fall out. Since I have an abundance of hair, I'm used to my hair shedding all the time; in the shower, when I brush it, all day, everyday. But this is so different. Clumps of hair. And strands of hair just fall out with the slightest touch. It sucks a lot.

This morning as I brushed my hair and noticed the huge clump that came out I just broke into sobs. I don't want to lose my hair. And its not really even about hair its about so much more than that. Right now I just look like a normal person. But once my hair is gone I'm going to look sick. To strangers. Everyone's going to know that I am fighting cancer. Everyday when I get dressed I'm going to be reminded that I have cancer. I spend a lot of my time trying to forget that.

During my breakdown this morning I kind of wanted to shave all my hair off Britney Spears style. Just to get it over with. It feels like the build up before surgery when I just worked myself up so much about it and it ended up being perfectly fine. I'm hoping that like the day of surgery, on Saturday I'll be more at peace and relaxed. It SUCKS. All of this just sucks BUT I have to still remember that my hair will grow back (and if its anything like my hair now, I'll have a full head of hair a month after chemo ends!) and that losing my hair means that the chemo is doing what I need it to do. Luckily for future generations of breast cancer fighters they are working on chemo that just kills your cancer cells and not ALL of your rapid growing cells. That would be amazing!

I saw this story on Monday and I was SO incredibly touched. Colts cheerleader Megan bet Colts fans that if they raised $10,000 for Leukemia research she would shave her head in honor of the Colts coach Chuck Pagano. Not only did fans raise $10,000, they exceeded their goal and raised $22,000!! So Megan held up her end of the bargain  in front of EVERYONE at the game on Sunday. And not only did Megan do it, but Crystal decided at the last minute to do it too! See pictures here! I felt like this story happened this past weekend just for me. These women were so brave to do this when they didn't HAVE to. (But again...please don't do this for me!).

I'm still on the fence about the whole wig situation. I love the one I picked out at the American Cancer Society but I just feel like I'm not fooling anyone. I think that the wig is more for me to feel like a real person again but I'm not sure I see it that way yet. Of course I might look at my big bald head on Saturday and never take the wig off (except in the kitchen- they're highly flammable!) or I might love the bald me. We'll see on Saturday. I am pretty interested to know what I look like bald although I never thought I would find out.

I've been prepping Mackenzie about how mommy is going to shave her head "like daddy's" and she has been saying that she wants to shave her head like daddy too. She JUST got some hair so I definitely cannot let her do it! But I think its cute. I'm still so worried about what her reaction is going to be. But I think I'm not going to let her see me until I get myself together and can put a smile on my face about it. I'm hoping that if I seem like I like it then she will like it too. I've also heard the suggestion of letting her color on it a little bit to lighten the mood.

And I'm going to miss our nightly hair brushing sessions. Mackenzie is such a caring little girl and I know that I am going to miss that so much. I'm hopeful that she will be as excited as I am when my hair starts to grow back. Right now it just makes me so sad every time she touches my hair because I know that those mother/daughter moments are ending. Well just the hair part of those moments. I know that we will continue to bond in other ways but I sure will miss that. I'll have to find other things for her to do...maybe put lotion on my poor bald head! Or rub it for good luck.

But to end on a happy note I am looking forward to a few things. Getting ready in the morning will be so much easier without having to straighten my hair. Showers will be quicker. I won't have to worry about drying my hair. And I won't have hair every where from my daily shedding. But only for a couple months. I can't wait for my hair to grow back all ready!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Good food and family...what more could you need!

I'm thankful for a lot this year. I'm so thankful that I was diagnosed when I was. Even though I don't want to have cancer. I'm so lucky that I found out that I have it when I did. Not knowing about it wouldn't mean it wasn't there and that's what I have to keep telling myself.

Thanksgiving day we woke up and I made cinnamon buns and we watched the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Mackenzie wore her Cinderella dress and danced to the music for 3 hours.

After the parade, we went to my parents house. We played and played until dinner was almost ready and then Mackenzie just couldn't stay awake anymore. She slept through Thanksgiving dinner, just like she did 2 years ago at her first Thanksgiving! But the rest of us ate and enjoyed it. It was delicious!

Friday, my brother and I went to Gravely Point and Arlington National Cemetery. Our grandparents are buried there but I have never been there to sight see. I always just go to see them. We walked to where the Kennedy's are buried and to the Lee House. Then we walked to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. We waited almost 45 minutes to watch the changing of the guard. It was a cool ceremony to see.

View from Lee House

Changing of the guards

I love this time of year so much. I really can't wait to decorate for Christmas. I all ready started on my ornament wreath that's been going around Pinterest! And I'm excited that Mackenzie gets holidays more and more. She knows that Christmas is Jesus' birthday AND that Santa brings presents. She picked out Princess wrapping paper and wanted to open it and I had to tell her that Santa only accepts wrapping paper that is brand new. So far that's worked!

Next weekend is my head shaving party and I'm still not ready for it. I know either I shave my head or my hair falls out. I'd rather feel like its under my control, even if its not. I bought a new hat today and I've received 2 free hats. Luckily its winter so hats are totally appropriate AND I don't have to worry about my head getting a sun burn all the time! I think that hardest part of losing your hair is that you start to look sick. Right now strangers have no idea that I have cancer. Next weekend it will be obvious. Not when I'm wearing a wig but I don't really plan on wearing it that often. But luckily starting March 1 my hair will start to grow back. I'm hoping it will be the same color and just as thick. Regardless of the color it will be SO healthy! I'm going to miss picking all my split ends!