Clumps of hair

Today is the day that I've been dreading. My hair officially started to fall out. Since I have an abundance of hair, I'm used to my hair shedding all the time; in the shower, when I brush it, all day, everyday. But this is so different. Clumps of hair. And strands of hair just fall out with the slightest touch. It sucks a lot.

This morning as I brushed my hair and noticed the huge clump that came out I just broke into sobs. I don't want to lose my hair. And its not really even about hair its about so much more than that. Right now I just look like a normal person. But once my hair is gone I'm going to look sick. To strangers. Everyone's going to know that I am fighting cancer. Everyday when I get dressed I'm going to be reminded that I have cancer. I spend a lot of my time trying to forget that.

During my breakdown this morning I kind of wanted to shave all my hair off Britney Spears style. Just to get it over with. It feels like the build up before surgery when I just worked myself up so much about it and it ended up being perfectly fine. I'm hoping that like the day of surgery, on Saturday I'll be more at peace and relaxed. It SUCKS. All of this just sucks BUT I have to still remember that my hair will grow back (and if its anything like my hair now, I'll have a full head of hair a month after chemo ends!) and that losing my hair means that the chemo is doing what I need it to do. Luckily for future generations of breast cancer fighters they are working on chemo that just kills your cancer cells and not ALL of your rapid growing cells. That would be amazing!

I saw this story on Monday and I was SO incredibly touched. Colts cheerleader Megan bet Colts fans that if they raised $10,000 for Leukemia research she would shave her head in honor of the Colts coach Chuck Pagano. Not only did fans raise $10,000, they exceeded their goal and raised $22,000!! So Megan held up her end of the bargain  in front of EVERYONE at the game on Sunday. And not only did Megan do it, but Crystal decided at the last minute to do it too! See pictures here! I felt like this story happened this past weekend just for me. These women were so brave to do this when they didn't HAVE to. (But again...please don't do this for me!).

I'm still on the fence about the whole wig situation. I love the one I picked out at the American Cancer Society but I just feel like I'm not fooling anyone. I think that the wig is more for me to feel like a real person again but I'm not sure I see it that way yet. Of course I might look at my big bald head on Saturday and never take the wig off (except in the kitchen- they're highly flammable!) or I might love the bald me. We'll see on Saturday. I am pretty interested to know what I look like bald although I never thought I would find out.

I've been prepping Mackenzie about how mommy is going to shave her head "like daddy's" and she has been saying that she wants to shave her head like daddy too. She JUST got some hair so I definitely cannot let her do it! But I think its cute. I'm still so worried about what her reaction is going to be. But I think I'm not going to let her see me until I get myself together and can put a smile on my face about it. I'm hoping that if I seem like I like it then she will like it too. I've also heard the suggestion of letting her color on it a little bit to lighten the mood.

And I'm going to miss our nightly hair brushing sessions. Mackenzie is such a caring little girl and I know that I am going to miss that so much. I'm hopeful that she will be as excited as I am when my hair starts to grow back. Right now it just makes me so sad every time she touches my hair because I know that those mother/daughter moments are ending. Well just the hair part of those moments. I know that we will continue to bond in other ways but I sure will miss that. I'll have to find other things for her to do...maybe put lotion on my poor bald head! Or rub it for good luck.

But to end on a happy note I am looking forward to a few things. Getting ready in the morning will be so much easier without having to straighten my hair. Showers will be quicker. I won't have to worry about drying my hair. And I won't have hair every where from my daily shedding. But only for a couple months. I can't wait for my hair to grow back all ready!