Today is 6 weeks since my surgery. Right now six weeks ago I was just being moved to my room. Its so weird to think about. Sometimes it feels like last week and sometimes it feels like a year ago. I forget that I've had surgery until I move a certain way and it hurts or when I wake up in the morning and I'm a little sore. I think a little of the soreness is from my port still. I think the worst part of surgery for me was the couple of days before it. I was starting to panic. I was really afraid of not waking up from anesthesia. But once I remembered what ever happened wasn't up to me and there was nothing I could do I felt a whole lot better. A nurse even asked me right before surgery if I took some Xanax because I was so calm. Did other mastectomy patients run up and down the hall screaming before surgery?
I started picking up and holding Mackenzie again. Just for short periods of time. She's pretty heavy! I can feel it mostly where my port is but sometimes I can feel in my chest. Its not painful just sore. My chest muscles (and arm muscles) haven't lifted anything over 5ish pounds in 6 weeks. They probably hate me. Going from 5 pounds to 30+ pounds overnight probably isn't the smartest idea!
The hardest part of recovery for me has been slowing down. By choice I didn't drive for almost 4 weeks. I waited until all my drains were out (3 weeks) before I asked the doctor when I could drive and he said when I was off narcotics (I all ready was) and when I felt like I could make an emergency turn. It was just so uncomfortable to be in the car the first couple of weeks but the seat belt was terrible. I drove at first with the shoulder part behind my back but it made me nervous to do that. When I finally felt good enough to drive I got my port put in and that's right where my shoulder belt sits which felt terrible. This last week I've been driving a lot and its felt fine, even with the shoulder belt on.
I also felt so tired all the time. I still feel pretty tired at the end of the day. That's probably why I'm finally sleeping through the night again. Oh that's the other thing. Lack of sleep. It was almost impossible to find a comfortable position and stay comfortable. I could only sleep on my back (I just started sleeping on my sides again). I think at my parents house right after surgery I had 6-7 pillows and was almost sitting up to sleep, mostly because its almost impossible to sit up after laying down for that long. My mom would have to (gently) push me up from how I was "laying" and then it took a couple minutes to be able to move. I am now sleeping with just 2 pillows (still up from the 1 before surgery) and I use a pillow under my right arm at night (until it falls off the bed).
I'm happy that I stopped taking pain medication pretty early in recovery. The surgery/recovery isn't painful. I just felt SO sore all the time. The port has been more painful than the surgery, even the expansions. I didn't like how the narcotic pain medication or narcotic muscle relaxer made me feel. I took the muscle relaxer a couple times before bed because I would have muscle spasms really bad. Its a strange feeling. During the mastectomy they stretch the muscle to the front, behind the skin, so I can feel my muscles a lot more.
I thought I'd be starting chemo this Thursday but I'm still in the egg retrieval process so I probably won't start for another 2 weeks. I'm ready to start get it going and over with. Its funny how at first its so sad to think that you have to do chemo and now I can barely contain myself to start it!
Its been a wonderful 4 day weekend (minus the hurricane yesterday...we had flickering but never lost power)! My first 4 days back to work were great. I feel so supported there. I know that people don't always know what to say or what to do but just knowing that people care about me and my recovery feels great.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Work
Today was day two back to work. So far its been great. I probably should have gone back to work last week but its hard to go back after being off for 6 weeks (1 week at the beach and 5 weeks post surgery). Luckily I work at the best place with the best people who are so understanding about time off and that I don't have the stamina I did before surgery to do the amount of work I usually do. So I'm easing back in slowly. I forgot how much fun my coworkers are. Its been taking my mind off of everything and I've been laughing a lot.
Lately on my mind a lot is surrogacy. We have to get through the egg retrieval process before we really start looking into finding a surrogate but I've still been researching laws. They are so different in every state and I think the law depends on where the surrogate/ gestational carrier lives and not where I live which is potentially a good thing. The laws in Virginia for gestational carriers are pretty strict (she has to be married and have at least 1 child) but laws in Maryland are pretty lenient. I'm not sure Maryland actually has any laws regarding surrogacy. But its totally banned in DC. After the egg retrieval, we probably need to meet with our fertility doctor and a lawyer to see exactly what we'll need to move forward (besides lots and lots of money).
I'm not sure that I'll be able to actually carry another pregnancy because my doctors wanted me to do progesterone injections once a week while pregnant from week 14/16- week 36ish. My cancer is estrogen and progesterone positive while means its fueled by those hormones and I'm not sure my doctors would want me to risk being pregnant (lots of estrogen) AND get injections for about 20 weeks of progesterone. Its something we'll have to consult with my doctors about and make a decision on in the future.
There's too much to think about and know about. Who knew 6 months ago I would really be thinking about using a surrogate! I thought I would just get pregnant again quickly like with Mackenzie and I'd have a little baby 9 months later (hopefully). So if you know anyone who wants to be pregnant just one more time but don't actually want another child, let them know I'm looking for an oven for my bun.
Its weird that I haven't had any doctors appointments this week. I have a 5 minute appointment Friday for them to check my port but that's it. Then Monday I have the plastic surgeon again but so far that's all that's scheduled. Once the fertility stuff starts I'll be there every couple of days for blood draws (wahoo my favorite!) and ultrasounds. These pictures show all the injections that I have to take. The box is huge and its full of needles and medication and a sharps box. Things I never wanted in my house! I have more medication to pick up at the pharmacy too. Its going to be a long 10-14 days when this starts but I'm ready to get it over it.
Lately on my mind a lot is surrogacy. We have to get through the egg retrieval process before we really start looking into finding a surrogate but I've still been researching laws. They are so different in every state and I think the law depends on where the surrogate/ gestational carrier lives and not where I live which is potentially a good thing. The laws in Virginia for gestational carriers are pretty strict (she has to be married and have at least 1 child) but laws in Maryland are pretty lenient. I'm not sure Maryland actually has any laws regarding surrogacy. But its totally banned in DC. After the egg retrieval, we probably need to meet with our fertility doctor and a lawyer to see exactly what we'll need to move forward (besides lots and lots of money).
I'm not sure that I'll be able to actually carry another pregnancy because my doctors wanted me to do progesterone injections once a week while pregnant from week 14/16- week 36ish. My cancer is estrogen and progesterone positive while means its fueled by those hormones and I'm not sure my doctors would want me to risk being pregnant (lots of estrogen) AND get injections for about 20 weeks of progesterone. Its something we'll have to consult with my doctors about and make a decision on in the future.
There's too much to think about and know about. Who knew 6 months ago I would really be thinking about using a surrogate! I thought I would just get pregnant again quickly like with Mackenzie and I'd have a little baby 9 months later (hopefully). So if you know anyone who wants to be pregnant just one more time but don't actually want another child, let them know I'm looking for an oven for my bun.
Its weird that I haven't had any doctors appointments this week. I have a 5 minute appointment Friday for them to check my port but that's it. Then Monday I have the plastic surgeon again but so far that's all that's scheduled. Once the fertility stuff starts I'll be there every couple of days for blood draws (wahoo my favorite!) and ultrasounds. These pictures show all the injections that I have to take. The box is huge and its full of needles and medication and a sharps box. Things I never wanted in my house! I have more medication to pick up at the pharmacy too. Its going to be a long 10-14 days when this starts but I'm ready to get it over it.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Distance
I've been having a hard time the last couple days. I'm not sure anyone noticed. Unless I haven't responded to your emails or texts. I usually distance myself when I'm upset. I don't want to bring everyone else down. It's just the culmination of learning how to inject myself with fertility drugs on Friday (and also sticking myself in the finger), getting ready to go back to work and getting anxious about starting chemo.
When I got my tentative egg retrieval schedule I was a little taken aback by the projected retrieval date. It pushes back chemo another two weeks and that's frustrating. I talked to my fertility doctor today and my oncologist (thank God they give you their email addresses!) and I feel a lot better about the schedule. My oncologist is okay with the timeline and if she thinks its reasonable then its good for me! My fertility doctor explained why I have to take so many medications and more about the process and that eased my mind as well.
I need to actually find a counselor or someone to talk to. I've been talking about it for months but I have to actually do it. I need help getting over the fact that this is actually happening to me. I want to go back to July 10 when I thought my life was perfect. I know it's impossible but that's what I want. I still feel like I'm in this terrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. Its just been really hard adjusting to this new normal. How I look, so many doctors and appointments and just how life is different in general. I hate that my daughter knows that I can't hold her yet because I have "ouchies". I love that she is old enough to understand why I can't pick her up but I hate that I can't do it. She hugs me with space between us because she knows where my ouchies are and I hate that. It sucks to walk into a doctors exam room to have an ultrasound and hear your own heart instead of the baby that you're carrying. I've had more ultrasounds with breast cancer than I had when I was pregnant. It all just sucks. That's really all there is to say about it! By the way, my echocardiagram was great!
I just have these roller coaster of emotions and when the sadness comes its very powerful. But I think sometimes its good to give into it. I can't keep the sadness bottled up and I try not to. It's just so weird to be able to enjoy a great day and then be so sad the next. And not even a whole day. Sometimes sadness lasts minutes. Sometimes it comes and goes all day. I can't imagine how my roller coaster of emotions is going to be affected by all these hormones I'll be injecting myself with. Maybe it will make me more sane!
I'm hoping going back to work will get my mind off cancer all the time. I'm glad I had today to get my fertility ducks in a row. It'll be nice to get back on our "normal" schedule. I have about 2.5 weeks to pretend I don't have cancer until I start chemo. This new schedule actually works out better than the one I thought I would be doing. First chemo is after my birthday, second chemo is NOT the day after Thanksgiving and later chemo is NOT on Mackenzie's birthday!
On a funny side note, the anesthesia office called from the fertility doctor today to ask pre-surgery questions and I might be the best candidate for surgery ever! I've recently had an echocardigram that was clear, I've recently been under anesthesia and twilight anesthesia so I know how it will effect me. It's still funny to me sometimes to tell people that I have cancer.
Dr.: "Any problems with your heart"
Me: "Nope, I had an echo last week that was good"
Dr.: "An echo? Why did you have an echo?"
Me. "I guess you have to have it done before chemo."
Then I had to explain that I have cancer. He assumed that I hadn't had surgery yet; I told him I had. Then he assumed I didn't have a port. I told him I had one of those too. I told him I know ALL about twilight anesthesia (and maybe I'm a little excited about it!).
When I got my tentative egg retrieval schedule I was a little taken aback by the projected retrieval date. It pushes back chemo another two weeks and that's frustrating. I talked to my fertility doctor today and my oncologist (thank God they give you their email addresses!) and I feel a lot better about the schedule. My oncologist is okay with the timeline and if she thinks its reasonable then its good for me! My fertility doctor explained why I have to take so many medications and more about the process and that eased my mind as well.
I need to actually find a counselor or someone to talk to. I've been talking about it for months but I have to actually do it. I need help getting over the fact that this is actually happening to me. I want to go back to July 10 when I thought my life was perfect. I know it's impossible but that's what I want. I still feel like I'm in this terrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. Its just been really hard adjusting to this new normal. How I look, so many doctors and appointments and just how life is different in general. I hate that my daughter knows that I can't hold her yet because I have "ouchies". I love that she is old enough to understand why I can't pick her up but I hate that I can't do it. She hugs me with space between us because she knows where my ouchies are and I hate that. It sucks to walk into a doctors exam room to have an ultrasound and hear your own heart instead of the baby that you're carrying. I've had more ultrasounds with breast cancer than I had when I was pregnant. It all just sucks. That's really all there is to say about it! By the way, my echocardiagram was great!
I just have these roller coaster of emotions and when the sadness comes its very powerful. But I think sometimes its good to give into it. I can't keep the sadness bottled up and I try not to. It's just so weird to be able to enjoy a great day and then be so sad the next. And not even a whole day. Sometimes sadness lasts minutes. Sometimes it comes and goes all day. I can't imagine how my roller coaster of emotions is going to be affected by all these hormones I'll be injecting myself with. Maybe it will make me more sane!
I'm hoping going back to work will get my mind off cancer all the time. I'm glad I had today to get my fertility ducks in a row. It'll be nice to get back on our "normal" schedule. I have about 2.5 weeks to pretend I don't have cancer until I start chemo. This new schedule actually works out better than the one I thought I would be doing. First chemo is after my birthday, second chemo is NOT the day after Thanksgiving and later chemo is NOT on Mackenzie's birthday!
On a funny side note, the anesthesia office called from the fertility doctor today to ask pre-surgery questions and I might be the best candidate for surgery ever! I've recently had an echocardigram that was clear, I've recently been under anesthesia and twilight anesthesia so I know how it will effect me. It's still funny to me sometimes to tell people that I have cancer.
Dr.: "Any problems with your heart"
Me: "Nope, I had an echo last week that was good"
Dr.: "An echo? Why did you have an echo?"
Me. "I guess you have to have it done before chemo."
Then I had to explain that I have cancer. He assumed that I hadn't had surgery yet; I told him I had. Then he assumed I didn't have a port. I told him I had one of those too. I told him I know ALL about twilight anesthesia (and maybe I'm a little excited about it!).
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Free {Cancer} Stuff!
Yesterday was a day for free cancer stuff! It started with me actually sleeping through the night for the first time since the night before my surgery. It was glorious! Sadly it was only a 1 night thing but I still enjoyed it!
I woke up to this email from Cleaning for a Reason. (Yes I did go back to bed after George and Mackenzie left and woke up at almost 10:30am!)
I was so surprised I actually got matched with a maid service because this area is so large and there were only a couple of participating maid services. They don't keep your name on a wait list so if your application expires you have to start the process all over again. It wouldn't have been a big deal. I definitely would have tried again. But I'm so excited to get FREE maid service once a month for FOUR months!! Who can beat that?
Later, my friend Kelly and I went to the American Cancer Society where I went to pick out a free wig. I chose this one.
But I HAD to try on this one. Not quite for me but I couldn't pass up trying on a Shirley Temple wig!!
If you know anyone who is facing any type of cancer diagnosis or has all ready been diagnosed please encourage them to search for (or search for them) things they can get for free because they have cancer. So far I got a free cancer binder (I found this AFTER I all ready made me awesome pink cancer binder!) from the Young Survival Coalition, a free tote bag from Tiger Lily Foundation (with a blanket, lotion, a journal and pen, shea butter soap bar, candle, Tiger Lily pink bracelet, healing stone and another pen), the gift basket at the hospital (with a TON of goodies in it) and now the maid service and a wig. I applied for and was approved for a head scarf from Good Wishes Scarves. And I am receiving the medications I have to take for the egg retrieval from Fertile Hope and they offer a discounted rate for the whole procedure.
When you are diagnosed, it is such devastating news. But you really have to work cancer in your favor. There is TONS of stuff out there waiting for cancer patients to just ask for. I'm looking forward to going to a class through Look Good Feel Better. They teach you how to apply make up (and hide any chemo effects) and even give you a goodie bag full of make up when you leave. In this area there are classes at every hospital every month. Chemo Angels, from my understanding, is a program that matches you with people who have previously gone through chemo that will mail you cards and presents while you undergo treatment. Then of course, there are trips. Casting for Recovery teaches women to fly fish on a weekend trip in different parts around the country.
Heavenly Hats is an organization that will mail you some free hats for any medical reason. The hats are donated so you can't pick out a certain style but you are mailed a couple of different ones. The ones you don't like you can mail back. And it looks like at Hats Off To Chemo you can request a certain type of hat (I just did!). Crickett's Answer to Cancer can provide wigs or hats, mastectomy bras, lymphedema sleeves or pampering services. Go to the Request Services page and fill out the application. I'm going to apply for another wig!
The Lydia Project provides a free tote, or a prayer, support, or emergency relief services. Cancer Care created a list of organizations that also offer financial assistance to anyone going through cancer. The organization for your specific cancer (if there is one) will offer tons of resources for emotional and financial assistance as needed. The American Cancer Society also offers rides to treatment for patients that cannot get there on their own and many other free services (including gas cards). Call your local office (703-998-5550 for the Vienna, VA office) and ASK how THEY can help YOU! That's what they are here for. If you need preventative screening a lot of organizations will pay for those as well. Check breast cancer charities to see if they will cover the cost of your mammogram or biopsy if you need one.
Lastly, I feel very strongly that I am the luckiest cancer patient in the world! I have the best support group around me, I've been brought meals, sent cards and presents and have been shuttled around to errands by great friends and family. At the end of all my treatments I am so ready to begin the "paying it forward" part of this journey. I have an amazing idea for a Non-Profit type of charity (its different than what you're used to!) and plan to volunteer with the organizations that have helped me through cancer. Without those volunteers and donations none of these free goodies would be possible! And when my hair finally comes back, I will be donating my wig(s) back to these organizations so that someone else can enjoy them. But before all of that, I am going to donate my hair to either Locks of Love which can make up to 3 wigs for kids under 21 battling cancer (you need at least 10 inches and can be dyed) or Pantene Beautiful Lengths (which needs 8 inches and cannot be dyed at all).
Please leave a comment if you know of any other FREE services for cancer patients with any type of cancer!
I woke up to this email from Cleaning for a Reason. (Yes I did go back to bed after George and Mackenzie left and woke up at almost 10:30am!)
Later, my friend Kelly and I went to the American Cancer Society where I went to pick out a free wig. I chose this one.
But I HAD to try on this one. Not quite for me but I couldn't pass up trying on a Shirley Temple wig!!
When you are diagnosed, it is such devastating news. But you really have to work cancer in your favor. There is TONS of stuff out there waiting for cancer patients to just ask for. I'm looking forward to going to a class through Look Good Feel Better. They teach you how to apply make up (and hide any chemo effects) and even give you a goodie bag full of make up when you leave. In this area there are classes at every hospital every month. Chemo Angels, from my understanding, is a program that matches you with people who have previously gone through chemo that will mail you cards and presents while you undergo treatment. Then of course, there are trips. Casting for Recovery teaches women to fly fish on a weekend trip in different parts around the country.
Heavenly Hats is an organization that will mail you some free hats for any medical reason. The hats are donated so you can't pick out a certain style but you are mailed a couple of different ones. The ones you don't like you can mail back. And it looks like at Hats Off To Chemo you can request a certain type of hat (I just did!). Crickett's Answer to Cancer can provide wigs or hats, mastectomy bras, lymphedema sleeves or pampering services. Go to the Request Services page and fill out the application. I'm going to apply for another wig!
The Lydia Project provides a free tote, or a prayer, support, or emergency relief services. Cancer Care created a list of organizations that also offer financial assistance to anyone going through cancer. The organization for your specific cancer (if there is one) will offer tons of resources for emotional and financial assistance as needed. The American Cancer Society also offers rides to treatment for patients that cannot get there on their own and many other free services (including gas cards). Call your local office (703-998-5550 for the Vienna, VA office) and ASK how THEY can help YOU! That's what they are here for. If you need preventative screening a lot of organizations will pay for those as well. Check breast cancer charities to see if they will cover the cost of your mammogram or biopsy if you need one.
Lastly, I feel very strongly that I am the luckiest cancer patient in the world! I have the best support group around me, I've been brought meals, sent cards and presents and have been shuttled around to errands by great friends and family. At the end of all my treatments I am so ready to begin the "paying it forward" part of this journey. I have an amazing idea for a Non-Profit type of charity (its different than what you're used to!) and plan to volunteer with the organizations that have helped me through cancer. Without those volunteers and donations none of these free goodies would be possible! And when my hair finally comes back, I will be donating my wig(s) back to these organizations so that someone else can enjoy them. But before all of that, I am going to donate my hair to either Locks of Love which can make up to 3 wigs for kids under 21 battling cancer (you need at least 10 inches and can be dyed) or Pantene Beautiful Lengths (which needs 8 inches and cannot be dyed at all).
Please leave a comment if you know of any other FREE services for cancer patients with any type of cancer!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Weekend recap
Friday, I had my port put in. It was really weird because when I got back to the waiting area before the procedure I started to panic a little and realized that I really didn't know why I needed this or anything else about it really. I know why people get ports but I didn't know why I need it if I'm only going to have chemo 6 times. Questions you are supposed to ask your doctor BEFORE you have your port put in. I've heard great things about how easy it makes treatments so I guess I'll keep it for now (like I have a choice right??). The staff at Alexandria Hospital were great. It was a completely different experience then when we were there for George last year.
I was brought into the procedure room and was given a little versaid, my new best friend, and they prepped me. Last thing I remember was the doctor saying he was there and then I woke up to them talking about baseball. Versaid is good because when they stop it you wake up without feeling groggy.
We went home, I took a nap then we got ready to go out for our anniversary. We picked up Mackenzie and dropped her off with our friends for the night then went to J. Gilbert's. It's pretty hard to dress cute with my compression bra (I call it my chastity bra) and my neck saran wrapped but I did my best. Our dinner was delicious and sleeping in was awesome.
Saturday we met our friends at the fire station open house then went to their house for lunch. Mackenzie is best friends with both of their kids so its so easy when we are with them. All the kids entertain themselves and the adults can chat almost uninterrupted!
Saturday night Mackenzie and I spent the night at my parents house. George had to work until 4am so I thought it would be easier for me to have some help and let him sleep in the morning. She is the sweetest girl (most of the time). She has her terrible two moments of course, but when I was laying next to her while she was falling asleep she kept holding my hand. She always checks on me and says I love you and good night about 10 times. Sunday, she was helping me get up from chairs and the couch. I didn't really need help but of course I will accept it from my precious child!
When George came to my parents house Sunday morning, the 3 of us went to Burke Nursery Pumpkin Playground. Mackenzie of course rode the pony.
We played on the slides, they rode the hay ride, she got her face painted and played a lot! Everyone gets a little pumpkin before you leave and she was so proud of her "baby pumpkin"
I was brought into the procedure room and was given a little versaid, my new best friend, and they prepped me. Last thing I remember was the doctor saying he was there and then I woke up to them talking about baseball. Versaid is good because when they stop it you wake up without feeling groggy.
We went home, I took a nap then we got ready to go out for our anniversary. We picked up Mackenzie and dropped her off with our friends for the night then went to J. Gilbert's. It's pretty hard to dress cute with my compression bra (I call it my chastity bra) and my neck saran wrapped but I did my best. Our dinner was delicious and sleeping in was awesome.
 |
| Can you tell I feel like I have a neck brace on? |
Saturday we met our friends at the fire station open house then went to their house for lunch. Mackenzie is best friends with both of their kids so its so easy when we are with them. All the kids entertain themselves and the adults can chat almost uninterrupted!
Saturday night Mackenzie and I spent the night at my parents house. George had to work until 4am so I thought it would be easier for me to have some help and let him sleep in the morning. She is the sweetest girl (most of the time). She has her terrible two moments of course, but when I was laying next to her while she was falling asleep she kept holding my hand. She always checks on me and says I love you and good night about 10 times. Sunday, she was helping me get up from chairs and the couch. I didn't really need help but of course I will accept it from my precious child!
When George came to my parents house Sunday morning, the 3 of us went to Burke Nursery Pumpkin Playground. Mackenzie of course rode the pony.
I'm still getting used to this port. Even though my mom took the "saran wrap" off Sunday it still feels stiff and sometimes like I have a neck brace on. I think I'm just over compensating for knowing there is something in my neck. Its too gross to think about! Hopefully in a couple days it will feel normal again. Now that I'm not really sore at all from my mastectomy it sucks to have this kind of start the soreness all over again.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
To my dear and loving husband
Dear George:
Happy 4th anniversary! Some days it seems like its been 1 year, other days it feels like it has been 14 years (in a good way)!
The last 4 years have been tough on us as a couple. Right before our wedding this country's economy took a huge nose dive and so did the housing market, one year after we bought our first home. Our first born was born premature in 2010 and then was hospitalized and had surgery at 5 weeks old. In 2011, you were hospitalized for 6 days with internal bleeding. And of course this year I have breast cancer. So much stuff in 4 short years.
But we're lucky. We have each other. We have our closest friends and family surrounding us.
For our 1 year anniversary I wrote you our love story. From the very beginning. I wrote that we each made one decision in our lives that brought us together. But I believe fate had a lot to do with it. I love that I was doing an internship and was required to keep a journal and know the exact date we met (July 6, 2005). I love that we didn't like each other at first but that we slowly became best friends. And I love our love story.
I included in my packet to you my favorite poem that I first read in an English class in college. Its called To My Dear and Loving Husband and its by Anne Bradstreet.
If ever two were one, then surely we.
If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee.
If ever wife was happy in a man,
Compare with me, ye women, if you can.
I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold,
Or all the riches that the East doth hold.
My love is such that Rivers cannot quench,
Nor ought but love from thee give recompense.
Thy love is such I can in now way repay;
The heavens reward thee manifold I pray.
Then while we live, in love lets so persever,
That when we live no more, we may live ever.
I also included a quote from the Notebook:
"Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what its like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt that you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we didn't, something rare and beautiful was created. For me love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spend together has been searing in my memory, I'll never forget a single moment of it."
When we met, the last thing on our minds
was the two of us ever dating, falling in love and getting
married. But here we are, 7 years after meeting, 6.5 years after starting to
date and 4 years of marriage. Its not always easy and we've been through more
than many other couples but that's what has made us stronger than ever. I love
that you know when I need my hand held at the doctor. I love that you know when
I'm about to cry and come over to hug me. I love that you know that a pink Coach purse won't cure cancer but it sure makes me feel better about it. I love how you send me tulips and make sure I don't need anything before you leave my side. And I love more than anything, the little girl that we created. There is no one like her in the world, she is just part you and part me.
I'm so lucky that I have you in my life, as my husband. To walk with me every step of our (not always fabulous) life. Someone who knows me as well as I know myself and someone who is willing to stand by me through it all.
Your card to me today talked about our future, "many anniversary's from now". I'm so hopeful for our days of sitting on our front porch in our rockers watching our grand children run around our front lawn. But until then I'm so excited to see what each day, each moment even, brings us and our little family.
Love you forever and ever.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Wednesday happenings
Monday my mom and I went to the plastic surgeon and I got my last drain
out!!!! Its been so wonderful although I do kind of miss it. JUST KIDDING! But
it was weird the first day to adjust to not having it. I kept thinking it was
time to empty it or I had to move it to sleep and it was no longer there! I got
used to it pretty quick though! They also did the first expansion. It is SO
weird that they use a magnet to find the little port in the expander and then
use this giant syringe to fill em up. I'm not sure exactly how much they put in
because I wasn't paying attention but they only filled it until I was
uncomfortable which I appreciated. My plastic surgeon also told me that they
won’t do the reconstruction surgery until 6 months after I finish radiation
which sucked to hear. That’s about a year from now. We never discussed timeline
after radiation (as far as I remember) because no one was expecting that it
would be part of my treatment plan.
I also drove for the first time on Monday. And it was the last time too. It’s still pretty uncomfortable to be in the car in general and then to turn and change lanes is just adding insult to injury (literally). I think I'm going to do a little more and more every day to get used to it. It’s ironic because I LOVE to drive so much. I drive us everywhere. But it’s been nice to be the passenger!
Today George and I went to Chemo Class. I think it’s a great class that they have. It gives general ideas about what could happen when you have chemo. Some things like hair loss and fatigue happen to everyone (in my class anyway) but there are other symptoms that you may or may not get and the doctors have meds to ease those symptoms. The nurse also gave us a list of things to avoid during chemo like mani's and pedi's and hot tubs. When she told us that, I said "man chemo is NO fun!" which got a laugh out of the class. It’s so interesting to me that we are sitting in this class, we all have various stages of this terrible disease and yet we can laugh and make fun of it. The next 5ish months aren't going to my favorite but they can still be fun. There is a lot to celebrate (including my birthday 1 month from today) and I plan to celebrate as much as possible.
I’ve been having like phantom feelings lately which is really weird. It feels like your foots asleep a little bit and the feeling is starting to come back. It’s very annoying and I can’t wait for it to go away. I also have no feeling in my right arm pit where they took the lymph nodes out and on my right side next to my arm pit where they took the rest of the lymph nodes (no one told me I have a 2-3 inch incision there…I was VERY surprised to see it 2 weeks ago!). It’s weird to put your hand on your arm and not be able to feel that it’s there. I know not all the sensation is going to come back but I hope most of it does.
I also drove for the first time on Monday. And it was the last time too. It’s still pretty uncomfortable to be in the car in general and then to turn and change lanes is just adding insult to injury (literally). I think I'm going to do a little more and more every day to get used to it. It’s ironic because I LOVE to drive so much. I drive us everywhere. But it’s been nice to be the passenger!
Today George and I went to Chemo Class. I think it’s a great class that they have. It gives general ideas about what could happen when you have chemo. Some things like hair loss and fatigue happen to everyone (in my class anyway) but there are other symptoms that you may or may not get and the doctors have meds to ease those symptoms. The nurse also gave us a list of things to avoid during chemo like mani's and pedi's and hot tubs. When she told us that, I said "man chemo is NO fun!" which got a laugh out of the class. It’s so interesting to me that we are sitting in this class, we all have various stages of this terrible disease and yet we can laugh and make fun of it. The next 5ish months aren't going to my favorite but they can still be fun. There is a lot to celebrate (including my birthday 1 month from today) and I plan to celebrate as much as possible.
I’ve been having like phantom feelings lately which is really weird. It feels like your foots asleep a little bit and the feeling is starting to come back. It’s very annoying and I can’t wait for it to go away. I also have no feeling in my right arm pit where they took the lymph nodes out and on my right side next to my arm pit where they took the rest of the lymph nodes (no one told me I have a 2-3 inch incision there…I was VERY surprised to see it 2 weeks ago!). It’s weird to put your hand on your arm and not be able to feel that it’s there. I know not all the sensation is going to come back but I hope most of it does.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Wigs, wigs, wigs
Since we got our great news on Wednesday I've been feeling great. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders! Friday my Aunt Julie took me out to lunch which was so fun. I've been turning down visitors a lot but I need to stop. It's nice to get out of the house and talk to someone besides myself all day!
Today my mom picked Mackenzie and I up and we went to Farm Day in Falls Church. Mackenzie got to ride a pony, go on a hayride and go in the petting zoo. I say go in because she wouldn't pet anything. I pet a bunny and held a baby chicken which Mackenzie briefly poked in the eye pet. I'm excited that she is finally loving horses. Last year we went on a horse driven sleigh ride around Christmas time and she wanted nothing to do with the horses. This year she LOVES them!
After the Farm Day, we drove to Fairfax and went to Bravadas wig shop. It was interesting. I thought I would be more upset but it was actually kind of fun. They were so nice and helpful. I tried on a lot of wigs. I thought I would want something that is really long like my hair now but I like one that's about shoulder length. I definitely knew I wanted to try a different color. Might as well try something new while you can since I would never die my natural hair color (it's too beautiful!). So we ordered the one below left in the brown (below right). I personally liked the blonde but I was talked out of it!
The picture below makes me laugh. Obviously the hair line was off a little in the picture on the left. The one on the top right makes me look 20 years older. All the wigs look great on the heads but like clothes, they don't all look good on. I loved the color in the bottom right but I think it's a little too dark. But it will be winter so it could have worked.
I'm definitely not looking forward to losing my hair. Besides the scars from my mastectomies, this is the visual sign that I am really sick. My doctor said my hair will start to fall out about 2.5 weeks after my first chemo treatment but I've heard as soon as 10 days. There's really no way to tell. It's going to be really hard to see the hair actually falling out and when it's finally time to shave my head. The guy who did my moms hair said we could rent out the back room of the salon, bring some champagne, and have a head shaving party. I love that idea. I've been trying to think of where I was actually going to have my head shaved because there is going to be a lot of tears and I really don't want to sit in the middle of a salon while others watch me. The back room (not like their storage closet, think private dressing room) of a salon sounds like a much better idea. That way I can cry it out, put on my wig and then feel fabulous. I think I'm going to see if I can donate my hair to locks of love before its shaved and at least try to help someone else out in the process (although real human hair wigs are in the THOUSANDS of dollars!).
Very importantly my request is for people to NOT shave their heads with me. I know most women probably weren't thinking about doing it (even though Kelly Pickler did) but I just wanted to reinforce it. Obviously someone like George wouldn't be missing much hair if he decided to shave his head too but I'm not looking for any of my female friends to do this. Wigs are really freaking expensive!
Thursday, October 4, 2012
GREAT news!
Tuesday I went to the plastic surgeon early in the morning, had another drain out (only one left!) and begged them not to expand my expander's yet. I don't know why but the thought of the expansion process sounds painful! Anyway, I really didn't want them expanded because at 12:30-3:30 I had 2 other tests to do and I didn't want to be in pain.
At 12:30 I went to nuclear medicine where they started an iv and I was injected with some radioactiveness for my bone scan later. After that injection I went to CT where I had a CT scan of my body and had more contrast put into my body. The CT scan was easy and quick. I went in and out of the machine 4 times. After my CT scan, they took out my iv and we met my mom for lunch in the cafeteria.
Around 3:30 we went back to nuclear medicine for my bone scan. I had to laugh because during every test they told me that I had to put my hands above my head. Obviously, for me, that's impossible. So during the bone scan she put something around me and I tucked my arms into that. The 2nd bone scan was a little more difficult because it spun around me and I had to hold my arms up at my chest which is painful after 17 minutes. George was able to come into the room with me which made the time go by faster. The tech told me that one of the pictures of my head of the first scan is me with a giant smile on my face. When the scan was hovering over my face I had my eyes closed so I wouldn't feel claustrophobic and when George came in the room I opened my eyes and I laughed because I couldn't figure out if the scan was actually moving or if I was hallucinating.
These were the scariest tests for me so far. If they found anything then that means my cancer metastasized and I don't know how I would have handled that. I spent most of Monday in tears with worry. But at some point Monday night I thought "nope, this isn't going to happen. It CANNOT be anywhere else.". And that was it. No more tears.
So yesterday my surgeons office called me to say it WASN'T anywhere else. I cried SO hard! This is seriously the best news ever!! I now feel like there really is a light at the end of the tunnel for this cancer journey. Thank God!
Also yesterday I met my new oncologist. I LOVE her. She's so personable, so understanding and so easy to talk to. She talked to us like we were friends and that's what I was looking for. We talked about the fertility stuff and I asked her if she was me what would she do and she said she would definitely freeze her eggs. George and I decided to see what the timeline and expense for that would be and go from there. Hopefully the timeline works out like I think it will.
Next week I'll have an echocardiogram to check my heart before chemo, a mediport put it (semi permanent iv so they don't have to stick you every time) and go to chemo class. When I was at the doctors office I also had to have blood drawn (which I'm getting pretty good at...funny that that was my biggest concern on July 10!). To get to the lab we had to walk through the infusion center when they do the chemo. This is the picture I could get from where we were sitting without anyone in it or anyone seeing me! Every station has its own TV, obviously you have to either have headphones or not hear it, and every station has a nice recliner for the patient and other chairs for family members. There is a fridge with drinks and you can bring and eat food.
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| We saw this in the parking garage at the hospital. I totally agree!! |
Around 3:30 we went back to nuclear medicine for my bone scan. I had to laugh because during every test they told me that I had to put my hands above my head. Obviously, for me, that's impossible. So during the bone scan she put something around me and I tucked my arms into that. The 2nd bone scan was a little more difficult because it spun around me and I had to hold my arms up at my chest which is painful after 17 minutes. George was able to come into the room with me which made the time go by faster. The tech told me that one of the pictures of my head of the first scan is me with a giant smile on my face. When the scan was hovering over my face I had my eyes closed so I wouldn't feel claustrophobic and when George came in the room I opened my eyes and I laughed because I couldn't figure out if the scan was actually moving or if I was hallucinating.
 |
| First bone scan. Starts at your head thisclose to your face and slowly goes down your body. |
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| 2nd bone scan. This one rotates around you. |
These were the scariest tests for me so far. If they found anything then that means my cancer metastasized and I don't know how I would have handled that. I spent most of Monday in tears with worry. But at some point Monday night I thought "nope, this isn't going to happen. It CANNOT be anywhere else.". And that was it. No more tears.
So yesterday my surgeons office called me to say it WASN'T anywhere else. I cried SO hard! This is seriously the best news ever!! I now feel like there really is a light at the end of the tunnel for this cancer journey. Thank God!
Also yesterday I met my new oncologist. I LOVE her. She's so personable, so understanding and so easy to talk to. She talked to us like we were friends and that's what I was looking for. We talked about the fertility stuff and I asked her if she was me what would she do and she said she would definitely freeze her eggs. George and I decided to see what the timeline and expense for that would be and go from there. Hopefully the timeline works out like I think it will.
Next week I'll have an echocardiogram to check my heart before chemo, a mediport put it (semi permanent iv so they don't have to stick you every time) and go to chemo class. When I was at the doctors office I also had to have blood drawn (which I'm getting pretty good at...funny that that was my biggest concern on July 10!). To get to the lab we had to walk through the infusion center when they do the chemo. This is the picture I could get from where we were sitting without anyone in it or anyone seeing me! Every station has its own TV, obviously you have to either have headphones or not hear it, and every station has a nice recliner for the patient and other chairs for family members. There is a fridge with drinks and you can bring and eat food.
I'm glad that I saw the infusion center because it made me feel a little better about chemo. Obviously no one wants chemo (except that it gets rid of cancer) but to actually see people getting their chemo and that they looked relaxed and like it was no big deal makes it better in my head.
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