Distance

I've been having a hard time the last couple days. I'm not sure anyone noticed. Unless I haven't responded to your emails or texts. I usually distance myself when I'm upset. I don't want to bring everyone else down. It's just the culmination of learning how to inject myself with fertility drugs on Friday (and also sticking myself in the finger), getting ready to go back to work and getting anxious about starting chemo.

When I got my tentative egg retrieval schedule I was a little taken aback by the projected retrieval date. It pushes back chemo another two weeks and that's frustrating. I talked to my fertility doctor today and my oncologist (thank God they give you their email addresses!) and I feel a lot better about the schedule. My oncologist is okay with the timeline and if she thinks its reasonable then its good for me! My fertility doctor explained why I have to take so many medications and more about the process and that eased my mind as well.

I need to actually find a counselor or someone to talk to. I've been talking about it for months but I have to actually do it. I need help getting over the fact that this is actually happening to me. I want to go back to July 10 when I thought my life was perfect. I know it's impossible but that's what I want. I still feel like I'm in this terrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. Its just been really hard adjusting to this new normal. How I look, so many doctors and appointments and just how life is different in general. I hate that my daughter knows that I can't hold her yet because I have "ouchies". I love that she is old enough to understand why I can't pick her up but I hate that I can't do it. She hugs me with space between us because she knows where my ouchies are and I hate that. It sucks to walk into a doctors exam room to have an ultrasound and hear your own heart instead of the baby that you're carrying. I've had more ultrasounds with breast cancer than I had when I was pregnant. It all just sucks. That's really all there is to say about it! By the way, my echocardiagram was great!

I just have these roller coaster of emotions and when the sadness comes its very powerful. But I think sometimes its good to give into it. I can't keep the sadness bottled up and I try not to. It's just so weird to be able to enjoy a great day and then be so sad the next. And not even a whole day. Sometimes sadness lasts minutes. Sometimes it comes and goes all day. I can't imagine how my roller coaster of emotions is going to be affected by all these hormones I'll be injecting myself with. Maybe it will make me more sane!

I'm hoping going back to work will get my mind off cancer all the time. I'm glad I had today to get my fertility ducks in a row. It'll be nice to get back on our "normal" schedule. I have about 2.5 weeks to pretend I don't have cancer until I start chemo. This new schedule actually works out better than the one I thought I would be doing. First chemo is after my birthday, second chemo is NOT the day after Thanksgiving and later chemo is NOT on Mackenzie's birthday!

On a funny side note, the anesthesia office called from the fertility doctor today to ask pre-surgery questions and I might be the best candidate for surgery ever! I've recently had an echocardigram that was clear, I've recently been under anesthesia and twilight anesthesia so I know how it will effect me. It's still funny to me sometimes to tell people that I have cancer.

Dr.: "Any problems with your heart"
Me: "Nope, I had an echo last week that was good"
Dr.: "An echo? Why did you have an echo?"
Me. "I guess you have to have it done before chemo."

Then I had to explain that I have cancer. He assumed that I hadn't had surgery yet; I told him I had. Then he assumed I didn't have a port. I told him I had one of those too. I told him I know ALL about twilight anesthesia (and maybe I'm a little excited about it!).