Tomorrow is my 6th and final chemo. I haven't really been that excited about it but I'm really excited today. I cannot wait for this to be over! I asked my doctor today why I can't just do 5 instead of 6. She just laughed and didn't answer.
When I told people that my last chemo is tomorrow they've been so excited and asked me if I was too. My answer has always been no. Its hard to explain. I don't want to do chemo anymore, obviously, but being in treatment feels like a security blanket. Like the cancer can't come back because I'm taking these medicines to keep it away. I know I still have radiation to go but chemo feels like its working. I don't now what radiation feels like yet but you know chemo is working because of how your body looks and feels while you go through it.
The other reason that I'm not excited for chemo to be over is because its one step closer to all treatment being over but I still have to live like I have cancer for the next 5 years. My life will never again be like it was on July 10th. Its been hard to keep reminding myself of that. And that's definitely the hardest part to get over. I still want to be pregnant and I want to pretend like this all never happened but I can't do either and that really sucks. Its been a rough couple weeks emotionally.
At my oncologist appointment today we talked about radiation and my doctor told me that I would be doing 6 weeks of radiation. I was really bummed because I thought I was going to do 4 weeks. I know 2 weeks doesn't seem like a lot but that's 10 more treatments. I can't imagine the fatigue I'll feel after 30 or so radiation treatments. By mid-May I'll probably feel like I could hibernate until September! I'm thinking about how work is going to fit into all of this but I think I need to see how I'll feel first before I make any decisions. I'm not thinking about taking 6 weeks off of work (although that sounds amazing) but maybe once a week or once every 2 weeks just to rest an extra day. I have to go to radiation 5 days a week and I've heard by Friday most people are just completely drained.
But my chemo nurse saw me and reminded me to get an order to get my port out after chemo is over. She said I can go within 3 weeks of tomorrow. I'm SO excited. I can't wait to get this stupid port out!! And I still have to find out when I can resume the things I've been banned from this whole time...like mani/pedis. I could really use one!
I'm so ready for the next 5 or so days to be over so I can (HOPEFULLY) never have to do chemo again!!! WAHOO last chemo!!
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