It's never going to end

I haven't talked a lot about radiation. It's been really hard emotionally and physically. Right now I'm in A LOT of pain. The burns in my arm pit and the area underneath my armpit and on my ribs are starting to peal and blister; its just so painful. The radiation therapist today told me that she was surprised that I seemed happy because I looked like I should be in a lot of pain. I told her I was in a lot of pain!
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Yesterday, I almost didn't get treatment because my skin was so bad. But luckily they did my treatment and I got prescriptions for a new lotion with lidocaine and Vicodin  I used both yesterday and I finally got some sleep. I still woke up every time I moved but I felt rested when I woke up. I was kind of hoping that I would get the fatigue side effect but I have the opposite because I'm in so much pain.

Radiation has been really hard emotionally. I've shed a lot of tears. I said before that it's hard because its a constant reminder that I have a cancer. Mostly I cry after treatment; a few tears here or there while I'm changing. At first I would cry because I was scared about treatments being over but now I'm just so miserable I can't wait for it to be finished. Yesterday I had tears in my eyes during treatment because it hurt to keep my arms over my head (I lay down but my arm pit is so tight it hurts to put my arms up).

As of right now I have 4 regular treatments left and then 1.5 weeks of a "boost" treatment just to my mastectomy scar. During regular treatments, the machine stops at 3 different spots; to the left of me, to the right of me and directly above me. When the machine is to the left and right I had a wet towel put on the right side of my chest to make the radiation more intense there since I don't have breast tissue anymore. Yesterday because of how bad my skin looked, the nurse practitioner decided that I shouldn't have the wet towel anymore. Hopefully, that will make my skin feel better faster.

My radiation burns look so funny to me. There is a definite square on my chest of where the treatment is. I also have 2 spots on my neck (that you can see in pic above). I can't wait until my poor skin is back to its normal pale color. I was expecting to get a sunburn but I really wasn't expecting my skin to get this bad and that radiation would be SO painful. Its starting to feel like treatment is NEVER going to end. I've had cancer for almost an entire year. I'm ready to not have cancer, to not be in pain and to finally get a vacation!