1 year after surgery

I'm having a hard time believing that it has been an entire year since I was in surgery. When I finally realized the date and looked at the time it was about 2:30 and I was thinking- wow 1 year ago they were just really getting started. And at this time I was just starting to wake up from anesthesia.

This anniversary has been even harder on me than my "cancerversary" because it sets up all the rest of the anniversaries I have to hit in the next couple months. Before surgery everyone was thinking I would have stage I cancer and maybe have to do chemo. After surgery it all turned out so much worse that I ever could have imagined. I remember the nurse in pre-op asking me if I took some meds before I got there to calm me down because I was so calm before surgery. I didn't but I knew I was calm because I just needed to get the cancer out of me.

I struggle every day still with why this is happening to me. I'm not sure if everyone goes through this when they get a life threatening disease or go through a life threatening experience but its one of the hardest parts of dealing with it. I have so much anger to deal with that I'm not sure will ever go away and I hate it. I am so angry about what happened to me but I also get so angry every time I hear about someone else my age, or younger, who has to go through this.

I don't have cancer anymore but I still have to deal with the after effects of it. Every single day. I have to see all the scars that I have. From my port, my drains, my mastectomy. I have to take a pill every single day before I go to bed. I've never regretted or second guessed myself for having a bilateral mastectomy. I think its one of the best decisions I've made in my life. But I hate that I ever had to consider it.

The next couple months are going to be filled with a lot of appointments. I have a 6 month check up next week, plastic surgeon check up in November/December and then surgery in January, surgeon yearly check up in March and radiation oncologist check up in May. Luckily, if you can believe it, those are spaced out! Cancer doctors talk a lot about patients which is a good thing!

It was really nice to be able to go on vacation and not have to think about having surgery! That made this years vacation much more relaxing! I'll blog about vacation in the next couple of days. And by Saturday we should have everything mailed out from the fundraiser! (I know the fundraiser was a month ago but I kept the online fundraiser going for a couple extra weeks and then had to wait for the check). I'm so excited to share the totals with you soon!

Happy September!

I can't tell you all how incredibly thankful I am to see exactly how much money we raised. I kept postponing taking the online website down because everytime I would put something on facebook about it I would get more donations. So I thought, if people want to keep donating I'll let them!! All in all we raised over $3,000 to split between the 2 charities! I'm excited to send the money when I get the check from GoFundMe.

We were cleaning tonight because we are going to the beach and have to have a clean house for our house watcher (Thanks Laurie!) and I found a couple things from the past year and I got so sick to my stomach. I found the information from when I had my port placed and just to see the picture of the port and how they used it. I can't believe I had that thing in my for so long! I found my surgery discharge paperwork. Its been almost an entire year since my surgery. I kept the surgery paperwork but definitely tossed the port stuff. Its so gross!

I CANNOT wait to go to the beach this year. I need it this year even more than I did last year. This year I don't have to go to the beach knowing I'll soon have to face my WORST fears in life. This year I get to go knowing that all that is behind me and I can truly enjoy myself and relax. I get to enjoy those 7 days knowing that I kicked cancers ass and I have a lot to show for it.

I still sometimes talk/think about what happened thinking that it happened to someone else. How did all that happen to me? Everyday I still wish it never happened. I could have lived my whole life not knowing what any of that felt like. I can't always put a happy spin on it either. But I am kind of enjoying my role as the "expert". I really enjoy people asking me about cancer and sharing my experience. I really feel I have a lot to share with people who are going through this awful experience.

Today is September 1st and I decided that today is the day I start tamoxifen. I'm a little nervous because I don't know exactly how this drug will effect me and this will be the next 5-10 years of my life. I was going to start July 1st and August 1st but obviously that didn't happen. I just felt like my body needed a break from all these treatments. But now I'm ready to start getting this last piece over with. Plus if its going to keep stupid cancer from trying to grow again then I'm all for it!

And also this is the hair I'm dealing with. I HATE it so much. Look at the stupid little pieces on the sides in the picture on the right. What is even happening there?? It's so much harder to manage than super long hair. I'm not sure if I should cut it or just let it continue growing. I don't know whats happening. I'm excited that its growing. I'm not really excited that its still so dark. But I guess hair is hair and if I continue to hate it I can always dye it. Although I love that its like baby hair and hasn't been touched by a product or heat yet.