Genetics

After much debate George and I decided to have a genetic test done to see if we were carrier for any diseases. It's a weird thing to be able to do because it could potentially change a lot. And sometimes ignorance is bliss. But I'm really glad we did it. It is good information for our families to have as well, especially Mackenzie and our future child/ren.

It only took 2 weeks but we got the results back last Thursday. The great news is that we are carriers of different things so there is almost no chance of having a child with any of these disease. Of course they will never say 100% chance but we will take the odds we have! 

George is a carrier of Biotinidase deficiency & Mucolipidosis IV. Biotinidase deficiency is just a vitamin deficiency that is really treatable with medication so that's good news. Mucolipidosis IV is a break down of fatty acids that causes a metabolic disorder. Although most people with this disorder can live to their 40's they never learn to walk and their mental capacity stays around age 12-18 months (per Counsyl's website). 

I am a carrier of Spinal Muscular Atrophy. This was kind of scary for me because my grandmother died of ALS before my brother and I were born so I was worried that this might mean I have the gene for ALS as well. But per the lady from Counsyl during my phone consultation there are different genes for SMA and ALS so my risk of ALS is not greater than anyone else. 

It's weird because I follow a woman on instagram whose daughter was born with SMA and that's how I first learned about it. It is such a nasty disease so when I found out that I was a carrier for it it was shocking. I am just so glad that George isn't a carrier for it as well. Of course there are no guarantees but the chances of us having a child with SMA are pretty small. But we do know that I am the queen of slim chances! 

We are also going to have the embryos tested for chromosomal abnormalities. We are just trying to get the best possible odds possible for our future transfer. 

Speaking of embryos- we don't have a date yet to do egg retrieval. I have my reconstruction surgery on November 2nd. This is the surgery I was supposed to have like 1.5 years ago but have been pushing off. So I finally scheduled it. This takes priority over egg retrieval and I want to make sure I'm recovered before we start scheduling egg retrieval. 

Truthfully I'm not really looking forward to either. But I am excited to see how many eggs we get this time and how many healthy embryos we can make. It's so interesting that some people get a ton of eggs during retrieval but then only end up with 1 or 2 good embryos or some people get like 7 eggs and almost all become good embryos. We are optimistic that this time we will get a lot more eggs and then end up with good quality embryos! 

FAQ

As we have been learning about surrogacy for the past 3 years sometimes I forget that not everyone has as much information as we have. We know a lot but are in no way experts! Especially since we haven't actually used a surrogate yet. So I thought I'd put together a list of questions that people might have or have asked us and answer them- feel free to ask any other questions you might have!

Why do you need a surrogate if you don't have cancer anymore?
This is probably the most common question we get. The biggest reason is because while it's true that I am in remission the chance of recurrence even after 3 years is still a huge possibility. I am currently taking tamoxifen which is an estrogen antagonist. Being pregnant means I would produce a lot of estrogen which is what fuels my cancer. So if I was pregnant I would have to stop the tamoxifen (which is blocking estrogen essentially) and I would be adding in a lot of estrogen in my body. While taking tamoxifen isn't a guarantee that I won't get cancer again, my doctor and I aren't comfortable risking me being off it to be pregnant. My prescription for tamoxifen is for 5-10 years and I've only been on it for 2.

Edited to add: my oncologist recently told me I need to go into menopause because new studies show that young women in menopause after cancer have less rate of recurrence. This news means that any chance of me ever being pregnant again is over.

Does the surrogate use her own eggs?
Not in our case. We are going to use a gestational surrogate which means the embryo will come from George and I and then be implanted into the surrogate. We will do another egg retrieval and then fertilize the good quality eggs we get that will then be implanted into the surrogate.

Isn't there a possibility of the surrogate carrying a lot of babies?
Technically there could be however we wouldn't want more than twins. Our plan is to implant 2 embryos and if both stick then that's great. If one sticks that's great. And if none stick then we will try again. There is of course, a chance that either or both embryo could split into 2 or 3. If there were more than 3 then we would, unfortunately, chose to selectively reduce. I know a lot of people might not agree with that and it feels like beggars can't be choosers but in this case we actually can chose. Carrying more than 2 babies just isn't safe for the surrogate or the babies nor do we feel capable for caring for that many children.

Edited to add: As we have gone along this journey we have realized that transferring more than 1 embryo only gives us a better chance of having multiples. We have changed our position on how many embryos to transfer- as of now we would only transfer one embryo unless our doctor recommends otherwise.

How do I qualify to be a surrogate?
My doctor said his ideal surrogate would be 40 or under (although he said age isn't THAT important), in good health and has given birth to healthy children. Having a child is a state law for surrogacy. I used to think the surrogate had to be married but that is not the case. However if she is married her husband obviously has to agree to his wife being a surrogate.

Edited to add: new guidelines from my doctor say a potential surrogate should be under 43, BMI under 35, no more than 2 c-sections and no more than 4 births. My doctor follows the ASRM guidelines and won't budge from these requirements.

The first steps are being medically cleared by my fertility doctor, George and I and the surrogate and her partner if she has one have to be cleared by a psychologist and our attorney will check the surrogates insurance to make sure it covers her pregnancy. Once those things go through we would go to contract which means we would both fill out the questionnaire where we agree to all of the questions and submit that to my attorney. The surrogate can either hire her own attorney (that we would pay for) or use an attorney recommended by our attorney (it can't be our attorney because of conflict of interest) and once we agree to the contract the process of the surrogate being pregnant would begin.

What is the commitment in terms of appointments and time off work?
I don't have a definite answer for this. In the beginning there will be a couple of doctors appointments and a psychologist appointment. Obviously when it gets closer to transfer time there will be more frequent appointments but it is my understanding that the surrogate won't have to necessarily go to the Shady Grove I go to to have this done. And their appointments are pretty early in the morning. And then once the surrogate is pregnant there will be a couple appointments with Shady Grove (every couple weeks) and then she will be released to her doctor who will see her as a regular pregnancy- once a month until she gets closer to the due date.

Why don't you just use an agency to find a surrogate?
We would love to do this. In fact our attorney's office matches gestational surrogates and intended parents for free. But we don't have an extra $20,000. This process cost around $35,000 without considering the payment to the surrogate. To be frank- we can pay a surrogate something but we just can't afford the going rate which is why we have been hoping that someone we know will want to be our carrier.

What would I have to pay for as the surrogate?
Nothing. George and I and your insurance would cover everything. All of the pre-screening, all of the attorney expenses, all of your co-pays and out of pocket expenses would be covered by us. This is something that our contact would cover and would also include how much we would pay the surrogate per month, per cycle if the first cycle doesn't work, if shes carrying twins, ect.

I am afraid that I will want to keep the baby once it is born if I am your surrogate. (Not a question but a legitimate concern)
I can totally understand this concern. I felt totally bonded with Mackenzie the entire time I was pregnant, from the second I saw the positive on the test. But I think that it will be different going into this knowing that in the end you won't take a baby home. Not everyone can handle that, and I totally get it. But that is also why there is a contract in place.

What kind of contact do you expect of the surrogate during pregnancy and after the birth?
During the pregnancy I expect to go to every prenatal appointment. This is one big reason we would like the surrogate to live fairly close to us. We don't need a text or email for every little movement or kick but I guess depending on who the surrogate is and how close we are with them before the process started we wouldn't mind!

Part of the contract will talk about what will happen in the hospital after the baby is born. George and I are willing to leave some of this open to the surrogate. George and I want the baby to be handed to us directly after birth. After the birth, the surrogate may not want to see the baby that much or she may want to see the baby as often as possible. We want to do whatever feels most comfortable for all of us. I'm certainly not going to rip a baby out of our surrogates arms and never let her see the baby again. The surrogate will bond with this baby while she is carrying it no matter what. So to just take the baby away without giving her a chance to come to terms with her journey ending is not fair to the surrogate. Our hope is that the hospital won't be too full and George, the baby and I will be able to have our own room and the surrogate will be able to have her own room (again at no cost to her). Otherwise, as I understand it, the only time we will be able to take the baby out of the nursery is when we take it to the surrogates room. And she might be okay with that (we are okay with that too) but I just think it could become a little burdensome to all of us.

After we all leave the hospital I guess future contact will depend on our relationship with the surrogate. Again, I know that she will bond with this baby so I imagine that we will continue contact. I guess the amount of contact will be something we will have to figure out as time goes on. I don't necessarily think that any of us should feel pressure to see each other a certain amount of times a month/year but I guess we will have to see how the whole process goes. We certainly don't want to overload the surrogate with baby information/pictures after she delivers in case she might need some space to recover from the whole process.

What say does the surrogate get in her medical care regarding the pregnancy and testing, diet, ect?
Our contact is VERY specific and all of these questions have to be agreed on and in our contract before we can proceed with any type of embryo transfer. Some of the questions- as mentioned above- talk about selective reduction and abortion. We have answered most of the questions that we would like the option to have our carrier selectively reduce or abort the baby if there are life threatening problems and this is something that our surrogate would have to agree with us on. Obviously we hope that the baby is healthy and we don't have to worry about any of that. We are getting ALL of the genetic pre-screening available (on George and I and the embryo before it is transferred)  but I guess there is always a chance something goes wrong. But ultimately our number one concern is the health of our surrogate. We would never ask her to keep carrying a pregnancy that is detrimental to her health.

In regards to while the surrogate is pregnant- these are things we will have to discuss with the surrogate and decide what we are all comfortable with. I didn't do any testing while I was pregnant with Mackenzie and I kind of expect the same for our future baby, especially since we are doing so much genetic testing all ready. In terms of diet, we just expect that the surrogate will abstain from all tobacco, illegal drugs and alcohol during the pregnancy. I think most women change their eating habits at least a little bit while their pregnant and I'm not really worried about that unless her doctor thinks there is a problem.

In terms of what doctor the surrogate will see- her own. I think its important for every woman to find a doctor that they are comfortable with so we wouldn't ask for her to change. That goes for hospital as well. We live in an area where every hospital is reputable and we know our baby would get the best care so we will deliver wherever the surrogate is comfortable.

Will you expect the surrogate to pump and provide breast milk?
Again we will leave this up to the surrogate. Some might want to do this for us and the baby but we aren't expecting it. I can imagine after giving birth the surrogate might want to be done with anything baby related and we totally understand.

Who will decide the birth plan?

Ultimately because this is our baby George and I will make medical decisions on the babies behalf. However, like I said before, our surrogates health is most important. Because the surrogate will have all ready given birth the birth plan might be set from the beginning (i.e. Must have a c-section) but as we all know not every birth is the same. We are totally open to discuss this with the surrogate as she may have specific things she wants in the room or specific way she is hoping for the birth to go. Another thing to consider is that George and I would like to be in the room for our babies birth. Again this may not be possible for whatever reason but it is something we would all have to discuss.

Why don't you just adopt/why do you need to have another child? 

We've thought about it all. We have looked into adoption extensively. But we feel like we have the resources to have a biological child so that is what we would like to do. As for the second part- believe me we have gone back and forth with this for years. Recently I went on a trip to visit my bestie Laurie in Massachusetts with Mackenzie and it was SO easy! She is at such a great age- she gets her self dressed, she plays by herself, she can get herself in and out of the car and she is SO independent! When I got home from Massachusetts I turned to George and asked- do we really want to do this? And we talked about it for a few minutes and then I just started crying. It's easy to pretend that we are handling this well emotionally but the truth is that sometimes we aren't. It's easy to not think about all of this for awhile but then when you do it really hits you. We want another child. Like today. We talk about him or her all the time and Mackenzie just started telling us that she says a prayer to herself that she will get a brother or sister. I thought about how hard it would be to tell Mackenzie that we changed our mind and that we were just going to be a family of 3. And I thought that if that's what George and I decide then that's what will happen. That's not why we want another child. But the thought of not expanding our family feels like a part is missing from our hearts. We had a lead on a potential surrogate and we got our hopes up- through no fault of any of us- but we didn't really realize it until it was over. I realized that I had been looking at car seats and all the things that go along with newborns or twins and I got really caught up in it. So I think that is why we have been kind of quiet lately. We don't want to get our hopes up again so it all feels kind of blah right now- which we hate. 

I have to say that this has been one of the hardest side effects of having cancer. It has lasted 3 years and there is no end in sight so far. We have done most of what we can do in terms of our testing so we are just waiting. When we went to our financial appointment she asked if we were ready to start right away or in August and I just thought- wow I can't believe it's going so quickly. Then when I realized it was September I got really sad because like I said before we had our hopes up and so a timeline started in our head and we planned all of it- when we would do the transfer, when/how we would tell Mackenzie/others and now there is no timeline. We know that this is A LOT. I can't say that enough. After saying all of this- we aren't giving up hope and we aren't going to give up. It's not happening in our timeline (or we'd have a 2.5 year old) but we are adjusting. 

Hope anchors the soul

When we left our financial appointment a month ago I started to get really emotional. This process is A LOT. There's a lot to know, a lot to do and a lot of emotions that go into it. While we were driving home I just kept saying in my head- hope anchors the soul, hope anchors the soul, hope anchors the soul. This has been my motto for 3 years now. It has kept me together through the toughest times.

Then "Fight Song" came on the radio and I started tearing up. Especially these lyrics. It's just going to take one person making one decision that's going to change out entire world. 

We are trucking along. Honestly this surrogacy journey has been almost as hard as having cancer. At least after I was diagnosed there was a definitive path I had to go on. With surrogacy there are so many unknowns and it's really hard emotionally. 

I feel in a lot of ways like a failure. I'm supposed to be able to provide children for my husband and daughter but I can't. It's hard to be reminded of that everyday. I know neither if them would ever say that to me but that's how I feel. I desperately want to be able to complete my family the way that I'm "supposed" to- by me getting pregnant. But I can't. And that's been the hardest part. 

We have completed 5/11 items off our checklist from the fertility doctor. We are figuring out the exact amount of money we will need and then hopefully will be able to keep moving along. We also have to decide about the level of genetic testing we would like to do. 

We know the right woman is out there. It's an incredible thing we are asking someone to do for us but I know she's there. Obviously we would love to get started as soon as possible- since we have been waiting 3 years to get pregnant. I have the due date calendars essentially memorized and we would love to have a baby next summer which would mean someone would have to be cleared ASAP. But obviously we know that beggars can't be choosers. Again we are more than willing to answer any questions you might have- no obligations. We have a questionnaire from out attorney that has a lot of questions that have to be answered that is pretty helpful. And of course we have a team at Shady Grove that are available to answer any questions. 

I know not everyone understands this route we are taking but this is the course that we think is best for our family. Thank you again for continuing to share our story and supporting us! We couldn't have made it this far without you all! 

Surrogacy Update

This July I felt like I had THREE full time jobs- my actual job, the fundraiser and trying to have a baby via surrogate. Thanks to everyone who shared my surrogacy post. Sometimes these situations make you feel so alone but with each "share" it felt like people were really behind us with this.

WE ARE STILL LOOKING FOR A SURROGATE. We appreciate anyone who has even thought about it. Being a surrogate is hard on the surrogate and her whole family. And there is A LOT that you would have to do. Obviously I'm not trying to scare anyone away but it's the truth. In the last 2 months we have learned a ton of new information and we have been reading and learning about surrogacy for the last 3 years.

Here's an update about what we have been doing the last 2 months-

When we first talked to our fertility doctor about this he set up a team for us including a clinical coordinator, a nurse and a financial coordinator. They have all been SO helpful. I love that everyone is just an email away I can just shoot them questions (because I have A LOT!).

We met with the financial coordinator first. We could have had a phone appointment as she is in Rockville but I'm a visual person and I hate to talk to people I don't know on the phone. I felt like we got a lot more information that we would have otherwise and felt good about the appointment when we left. Right now I'm in the process of begging them for donated medications so we will see how that goes. I donated my medications back to Shady Grove after I was done with my last egg retrieval so I feel like they could donate some back to me. Even if it's just one type of medication or half of the medication I need. Medications alone are going to cost like $3000-$5000!!

We also got the list of questions from the attorney's office that we would have to discuss with a potential surrogate. I thought I kind of knew what all of the questions would be. And I knew a bunch but there are A LOT of questions on there that I didn't even think of! Like- what if you want to abort the baby for medical reasons but the surrogate wants to keep it? Who would ever think to ask that!? I guess that shows we have an attorney that knows what she's doing- she should she does a TON of these!

George and I have had blood work done (the first of many). We also have to have genetic screening done. There are a lot of extra steps to do if you are using a surrogate because any potential diseases or problems we have could be given to her because she's carrying our baby. And of course our future surrogate and her husband have to go through the same testing for the same reason. Eventually we will all also have to be evaluated by a psychologist. I'm interested to see how that part will go because I have no idea what he or she will ask us.

I got approval from my oncologist to go through another retrieval so that was good news. She approved it last year when we talked about it at my appointment but my fertility doctor wanted it in writing to to talk to her so I'm just glad we are all in agreement. My oncologist is probably happy that I won't be asking her every 5 minutes when I can have a baby anymore!

Things are moving along. We have to get the finance part in order but there are more steps we have to complete before we do that. I'm ridiculously pissed off that my insurance doesn't include any type of IVF treatment. In fact when I called she said it was "excluded". I just don't understand how a medical condition could be excluded. I know that having kids is an option and not necessary but so is undergoing chemo or taking any other medications (like viagra- which is probably covered). Once I'm through part of this I'm really going to figure out how to talk to my employer about this because it just doesn't make sense to me. I'm not saying they should give me $50,000 or unlimited lifetime coverage but could you cover like 25% or 10% or SOMETHING?!

This process feels like it's moving fast and slow all at the same time. It feels like there's a million things going on at once and then there's a lull and nothing is going on. I just cannot wait to hold a baby in my arms and finally say this is our complete family! Mackenzie is still talking about "when the baby is here" or "when we have our baby". I was thinking the other day of how in the world we are going to explain to her that our baby was born from someone else. I'm sure we will figure it out. I guess it would be the same if we were adopting a baby- except this baby is biologically related to her/us. But the excitement I feel when I think about telling her she is going to be a sister is absolutely overwhelming! It's the thing I look forward most in my whole life.

I feel like I've been asking for a lot lately (donations, ect) but if nothing else if you could just share our story. We really want to use someone we know or a friend of a friend and not a stranger. I can't tell you how much it sucks that we can't just do this ourselves. We would have a 2.5 year old right now. But I got diagnosed with cancer instead. Although if I was healthy and had a normal pregnancy I would have loved to be a surrogate I can understand anyone's hesitations with it. It is a lot for a family to go through. But we want to answer questions. And again- if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. I truly believe there is one perfect person that will be our surrogate for us and if that's not you it's okay. But we aren't going to stop looking until we find her. 

If you aren't sure and want to know more let us know. Our doctors and attorney are so helpful and are willing to answer any question. 

Thanks again for your continued support! 

THREE YEARS

How does 3 years go so fast and so slow at the same time? I can still picture myself- sitting in my office- when my phone rang and I knew at that moment that I had cancer. Some days I think- how did this happen to me. I call them my Nancy Kerrigan moments- why me? why now? I feel a little guilty in those moments because then I always think- why not me. Who else should this have happened to if not me?

I wish this never happened to me. That's obvious. But it did. And although sometimes the emotions of it are right at the surface mostly it's just a little blip in my life that happened 3 years ago. Someone asked me the other day how I handled emotionally being told I had cancer. And I answered like I've answered it for the last 3 years- I have no idea. You just do. There is no choice. You push through it until it's over.

I realized this morning that it was the 23rd (although I've been preparing for it all week) and I just kept thinking about like going to chemo, getting radiation and everything that went along with having cancer and I just started crying. Then I'm thinking- don't cry before work! You're going I ruin your makeup! Haha whatever makes the crying stop I guess. But I realized that July 23 has really turned into a day of celebration. And as it should I think. It's been 3 years but I'm here and I'm happy and healthy and that's most important! 

I picked Mackenzie up and we went to Crystal City and had dinner at Ted's Montana Grill and then got milkshakes at Cold Stone (just like we did last year). We took our milkshakes to Gravelly Point and watched the airplanes. Although it's so loud every couple of minutes while the airplanes land or take off it is so peaceful there. There's water and fields and it's just such a calm place to be. And tonight the sky was SO blue and not a cloud in the sky! 

It's been a crazy ride the last 3 years. I've learned a lot of medical things I never wanted to learn but I've also learned a lot about myself. I wish I could have learned all of these lessons another way but I know today that I am I better person than I was 3 years ago. And I know that I have the best friends and family in the whole world. 

In 2 days we are having my THIRD annual Fund It Forward and I'm so excited! I love that from this experience I have gained a ton of friends and experiences that I never would have of I wasn't diagnosed. I hope you can come but if not I hope you will donate. The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves does such great work for so many men and women diagnosed with cancer. The link to donate is on the sidebar of this blog. 

As always I could have never gotten through this without all of your support! Thanks for sticking by me for the last 3 years! 

Fund It Forward 2015

I'm so excited we are having our THIRD annual Fund It Forward event on July 25! I cannot believe this will be the 3rd one. I remember trying to plan the first one and just hoping that someone would show up or donate ANY money at all! It's daunting to tell a charity you are raising money for them. But you all showed up- in a big way. And again last year as well.

So of course I want this year to be even more successful than ever before! That's why I want to explain why this event and these 2 charities are so important to me.

Almost 3 years ago I was a 28 year old wife and mother of a 2.5 year old, enjoying the summer. We were so busy with work and raising our child and keeping our house together and play dates (for us and Mackenzie!) and everything that comes with being a working parent- or just an adult really. But we knew that we were ready to expand our family so because Mackenzie was premature without a reason we decided I should get a physical done. I was so terrified of having my blood drawn (that still makes me laugh- I can't count how many times I've had my blood drawn since) and that's all I was thinking about in the days leading up to July 11th.

But then my world came crashing down. I'm not sure many of you really understand how earth shattering this really was. I know that everyone goes through moments in their life that are challenging and that feel really hard- and I know they are- I've been through plenty. But people die from cancer every single day. And on July 23rd (well from July 11-October when I had my scans done) I thought I might be one of those people. I mean if we are being honest I still could.

Then during that time when your whole world is torn apart, when it feels like nothing will ever be right again people step up. People you love and who love you, new friends, old friends and strangers. No one at The III B's Foundation knew who I was when they dropped off baskets at Virginia Hospital Center. No one at Good Wishes knew who I was as they were ordering fabrics and sewing beautiful scarves together. But all of these people surrounded us and got us through this horrible ordeal. Without us having to say a word. All of these wonderful things just happened.

Even though I had cancer. And had body parts amputated. And put poison in my body. And had my skin burned off. I will NEVER EVER forget those moments when people who loved me and strangers came to my side and carried me through it.

I can't tell you how surprised I was when the staff from the hospital walked into my pre-op room on September 18th with a GIANT basket full of goodies. I couldn't even see how many items were in there because there was just SO much. And there are a lot of items I still use (the stuffed bear still helps me sleep) and a lot of things I didn't think to get (a loofah with a long handle because I couldn't raise my arms). I'm sure when Carolyn started The III B's Foundation she thought about those moments when her family and friends carried her through.

I found Good Wishes through my search of free stuff for cancer patients. To be honest I didn't really know if they would send me anything or not. I applied and picked the scarf I wanted and waited. I applied for a lot of free hats and I never heard back from any others. I received my scarf in December when I was all ready bald. To my surprise the package not only held my scarf but also a card that was signed by EVERY member of the office. And it was personalized. And not only that, every scarf they send out they put the persons name that is receiving the scarf on their wall in the office so they can remember all the scarves sent out.

Since last year's Fund It Forward I was invited by Good Wishes to travel to NYC to film a news segment talking about Good Wishes to CBS which was a lot of fun. And in February my husband and I attended The III B's Pink Tie Charity Ball where I received an award for my fundraising. Being able to meet other women on different stages of this journey but who are brought together because of the these 2 charities has been incredible.

To me- Fund It Forward is and never was about any recognition for myself- but only to get The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves more recognition (and MONEY!!). I wish that neither of these organizations had to exist. I wish they could figure this cancer thing out and no one else would ever be diagnosed- but until that day both of these organizations will keep lifting peoples spirits- one basket and one scarf at a time.

I hope you all can make it! And if you can't make it I hope you will consider a donation CLICK HERE TO DONATE (or click on the link on the top right). Every tiny bit counts and even $5 is $5 more than we would have without your donation. If this money we raise can just help a couple women to feel a little loved while going through treatment then we have had a successful fundraiser!

HELP NEEDED

I'm sure by now you all are aware that we want to have another child. Want isn't even a strong enough word. And by we I mean all three of us.

To increase our odds we have decided to do another egg retrieval. After all this time and being SO adamant about not doing another one it occurred to us that maybe we want more than 1 more child. And also we shouldn't put all of our hope into this one egg. Before we did the first retrieval, we were on the fence about it and even at one point had decided not to do it. But in the end we decided to do it because we knew that we would regret it if we didn't. Obviously the first egg retrieval went almost as bad as it could possibly go- we got one egg out of it. We were expecting at least 10. We had a phone appointment with my fertility doctor the other day that really helped us clear up what happened last time and how it will go moving forward. It was nice to hear from our doctor that last time he would have cancelled it if we weren't under the circumstances that we were under.

Its especially nerve wracking to do another retrieval knowing that it's after chemo and the per my blood work we have a "fair" chance of getting 5-10 eggs. There are 4 categories- Excellent, Good, Fair and Reduced. We are 1 number off having a reduced chance. So because we only got 1 egg last time we are obviously very worried about doing a retrieval again. I brought this up to my doctor and was encouraged by him and that he would up my doses of medication to try to stimulate more eggs. And this time we have the chance to stop a round and start over- a chance we didn't have last time.

The bottom line to all of this is that we need a SURROGATE. Like today. We need someone who is willing to give us this unselfish gift. It's a lot to deal with. There will be injections and ultrasounds and medical exams, psych exams and legal paperwork. But I know there is someone out there who has it in their heart to do this for us. Specifically my doctor would like us to find a surrogate who is in great health and has had a child/children. We know this person exists. Maybe it will take a little while to wrap your head around having a child for someone else and not getting to keep it after you give birth. But you're out there and we are ready when you are.

As you can imagine it's been super hard for us. It's like reliving the day I was told I had cancer all over again. For the last 3 years. For Mackenzie it is probably even harder because she doesn't really understand why we aren't having another baby today- she keeps saying to me- "maybe the baby is all ready in your belly". It's heartbreaking. She asks me to swaddle her baby doll every night and she holds her arms out like she would if she was going to hold a real baby and when I go check on her before I go to bed, she's still holding her baby Rose so carefully. For 3 years, I have thought about the moment that I would be able to tell her that she was going to be a big sister. Even before all of this cancer stuff. When we had planned to start trying to get pregnant. And for 3 years I have pictured the look on her face when she finally gets to meet her little brother or sister. We should be complaining about terrible two's right now but instead of getting pregnant in 2012 I was diagnosed with cancer. We think about this baby all the time. He/she has a name. Mackenzie talks about him or her (she prefers to have a sister obviously) and what they'll be like. We are ready.

Mackenzie holding her babies Rose and Annie.

I remember writing once in my blog that I can't really think about how me having cancer effects other members of my family and selfishly I do the same thing now about not being able to have a baby. When I first heard the doctor say it could be YEARS before we could start to even think about trying and then maybe it still wouldn't even going to be possible I almost told my husband to leave me. He wouldn't have but I just felt like I was ruining his life. We talk about all of this very matter of fact because otherwise I would just be a sobbing mess and we wouldn't be able to finish conversations. It is so selfish but I do my best to not think about how this effects them. I know how it effects George but to think about how it effects Mackenzie is devastating.

Mackenzie's drawing of our family including our future baby (and my long hair)

I don't even know how many embryo's we will end up with. They will all be tested and hopefully that will improve our chances of having a baby. It's not going to be easy- for us or our surrogate and her family but I know that you are out there. There are a lot of resources online but also please don't hesitate to reach out to us. We have a lawyer you can talk to as well as my fertility doctor if you have ANY questions. This will be a long process until our surrogate actually gets embryo's implanted and there is a chance to bail each step of the way. I can assure you that it won't alter our friendship or how we feel about you. Knowing that there is someone out there who would even let being our surrogate cross their mind for a minute gives us even the slightest hope.