Another great day

Today was a great day. We dropped Mackenzie off at daycare and went to the hospital for my plastic surgery appointment. This one went A LOT better than the last one. I really like this doctor a lot. I feel like he explains things to me like I'm in an adult but one that knows NOTHING about medicine
(because I don't). The doctor did say "so what day is the surgery" and I said "I have no idea because no one will decide on a date or call me". He checked with the scheduler girl and asked me about August 30th. I turned it down. It either has to be next week or the week of September 17. We are going to the beach September 8th for a week and I don't want to be down there with drains and recovering from surgery. I don't understand why no one is really working on my surgery date...sometimes I feel like they care too much and other times I feel like they forget about me.

After my appointment, George and I went to Tyson's to spend some time together and get my hair cut. We had a delicious lunch at Coastal Flats and did a lot of walking and window shopping. I was hoping to go to the Paul Mitchell School for my cut but they were booked (no wonder...$13 hair cut! sign me up!). We did a little more shopping then I went to the usual Zoe Salon for my hair cut. I must be in need of some serious relaxation because I almost fell asleep twice while she was cutting my hair.

During my reading of the Pink Ribbon Diet book, the author recommended a book called "Why I Wore Lipstick to My Mastectomy". I picked that up at Barnes and Noble today. The author, Geralyn Lucas, really wore lipstick but its also a metaphor for making sure you feel comfortable in your own skin. I'm so excited to read it. When we got home, there was package from Amazon with another book, "Having Children After Cancer", that I asked George to get for me. He also ordered himself a book called "Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (And Yourself) Through Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond". When I saw that George ordered himself a book, I immediately started tearing up. I was really happy he found this book and ordered it for himself. I know this isn't easy at all for him either.

Of course, one tear led to another and ended with Mackenzie hugging me and asking if I needed a kiss. Sometimes thinking about how this is effecting them (and everyone else in my family) is too hard. Maybe that sounds selfish but I get the most upset thinking about how this is messing up their lives. I'm sure none of them would put it like that and I know that none of us signed up for this but it sucks that they all have to be effected by this too.

I was reading my friend Beka's Caring Bridge journal the other day (Thank God for her...even though of course I wish neither of us ever had to experience cancer) from the beginning and the part that stuck with me most when she said she really had to "mind her mind". And that's the truth. When I keep myself in the moment or day this is so much easier to deal with. When I let myself go there (or there or there or there) then the emotional pain of this cancer becomes unbearable. I literally have to just stop thinking. Of course its usually not that easy.

I was originally going to title this post "when good days go bad" but I thought you know what- Fuck you cancer. You are NOT going to ruin a perfectly good day with your what if's and your awful behavior. I am an entire being. You are a 2-3 cm dot in that being and you are NOT going to win over this entire day or my life.

And so I'm happy. Because today, I am relatively healthy, I have a beautiful daughter, an amazing husband, wonderful family and friends and a great life. And those are things that cancer cannot take away from me.