Case of the what ifs

Late last night as I was watching the Olympics I started googling different things. I need more information about the benefits (if any) of getting a double mastectomy vs removing just the cancerous side. Well as you know you can't search the internet without finding out the worst case scenerio for everything. I started to panic and the what ifs started filling my head. What ifs are very dangerous. Because usually (and hopefully) whatever you are what ifing isn't going to happen to you. But for me, once the what ifs start, they are very hard to stop.

That's probably why I was up way past midnight and probably why I was a bucket of tears this morning at the plastic surgeons office. I'm not really sure why but something about being at the plastic surgeons office made all of this so real. Not talking to the surgeon twice, not seeing my cancer on a giant screen in mammogram AND ultrasound form and not going through all the tests. Probably because I have NEVER considered having plastic surgery in my life. I just don't get why people would want to have surgery when they don't need it. I cried in the waiting room before I even saw the doctor. And then as I was getting my blood pressure taken. I pulled myself together before the doctor came in. Not because I thought I couldn't or they would judge me but because I needed to for me. I need to make unemotional fact based decisions.

The plastic surgeon was nice. We went over my history and health and then talked about the different procedures I could have. Basically it's implant vs DIEP (google it...it's very interesting). Basically DIEP takes tissue from you stomach to make a new breast. Sounds great right? Free boob job AND tummy tuck!  Well it has downfalls too. Very long surgery (7ish hours), longer hospital stay (3 nights vs 1 night with implant), longer recovery (at least 4 weeks before normal operations vs 2 weeks), re-routing blood vessels, and the possibility that it might not even work. Also since we still don't know if I need chemo or radiation it might not even get done until 3 months later.

I changed my appointment with the surgeon from tomorrow to Tuesday because I wasn't able to have my MRI done on Tuesday. So Monday I have MRI at 7am, get blood drawn for per-surgery labs and then seen the oncologist at 10. Then go to work. Luckily it's my late day that day. I'm waiting also for genetic test still and also for the plastic surgeons office to call to schedule the surgery.

I just want the surgery over with. For some reason being under anesthesia scares me so much. I guess because you have no control and are unaware of what's going on. And I get thats the point of anesthesia. But the build up to surgery is just going to make me more and more anxious I think. There are so many questions that can be answered with surgery and I'm ready to know the answers!