Devastating

I actually wrote an entire post this morning in between my (failed) MRI appointment and the oncologist that was so hopeful and happy. Then I went to the oncologist and all my dreams were shattered. This journey all started because we want more kids. That doesn't change because I have cancer. Although cancer is trying to change it for me.

My oncologist told me that I probably will need chemo. I wasn't surprised by that news. I was surprised when she told me that I would have to wait FIVE years before getting pregnant. To me that is worse news than being told I have cancer. In five years, I'll be 33 and Mackenzie will be 7. I always imagined my family would be complete by then. I never wanted to have a 7 year old and an infant. And honestly, I still don't. My oncologist gave me a couple numbers to fertility specialists to call. On top of all its other amazing side effects, chemo also ruins your reproductive organs.

I knew seeing Mackenzie after my appointment would be hard because it would remind me why I want to have more kids. Not because Mackenzie isn't enough; I love that girl with my entire being. But I can't imagine a life for her without siblings. Mackenzie saw me crying as I was telling George about my appointment and she said "mommy is big sad". Later, I was pretending to sleep on her floor and she was in her bed (she thinks we sleep in her room all night but we tell her we'll be back when she gets tired and she falls asleep soon after we leave), and she saw that I was crying again (its been my theme for today) and she got out of her bed to hug me, rubbed my back and said "that's okay mommy". I mean who wouldn't want more of that?

The hardest part of all this is that we really don't know anything. Until surgery can tell all the doctors exactly how much of the lump is cancer and how much is precancerous and so on and so forth. I've been told that my cancer could be stage I or II, I may need chemo and/or radiation or not and I may be able to have kids in 1 year or 5.

Tomorrow I meet with my surgeon again and will not leave there without a set date for surgery. I just need to get this over with. I should have picked August 8th when I had the chance.

But I'll end this with some good news. I finally tracked down my genetic test results. There are 2 parts to the genetic test: BRCA and BART. Sadly right now BART is not covered by insurance so those results are still pending. But BRCA 1 and 2 are NEGATIVE!!