Heaven on Earth

It's almost beach time and I just cannot stand it! The 1.5 days that stand in my way from the ocean are 1.5 days too many! This year going to the beach means so much more than just a vacation. For me and my family its time to clear our heads and re-center ourselves for a new life coming our way. 3 days after we return our world will be turned upside down for the next couple months. I'll have to remember that I have cancer again.

I say "I have cancer", "did you hear that I have breast cancer", "I'm having a bilateral mastectomy", ect so many times per day and per week without thinking about it but its like a nightmare. It doesn't seem like reality. I am really waiting to wake up on July 11th, go to my physical and get a clean bill of health. After our vacation the reality will have to set in. I'm going to have to face life as a cancer patient and survivor. I won't just be Kyle anymore. I'll be Kyle Denny, breast cancer survivor. I hate it.

I think we have decided on the wait and see method in terms of more children. Since we did not get the abundance of volunteers to be a surrogate we were expecting (shocker!), we are thinking maybe we should just see if that's whats in the cards for us. I feel like I need to be clear that there's no moral or ethical dilemma. I am all for freezing eggs & embryos, IVF, ect and I think that people should use the technology that is there. But we just don't think its the right decision for us. My biggest fear, of course, is that I will regret this decision in 5 years if I am unable to get pregnant. But like I said, we really feel strongly that if this is meant to be, it will be.

My appointment at the fertility doctor last Thursday for blood draw and ultrasound was pretty eye opening. You know people are going through these things (infertility & cancer) but until you see the amount of people in the doctors office, you really don't know. It felt like a factory to me. One by one we were called, had our blood drawn and then got an ultrasound. At least 20 of us while I was there. What a big business. And what a big business for insurance to not really want to cover.

I've also decided to switch oncologists. Her whole office is just terrible and its not worth being miserable for the next however many years over. I put on Facebook today "the best part about having cancer (only good part?) is that you stop giving a shit about what people think and say how you REALLY feel". For some reason switching doctors, hair stylists, anything really was so intimidating to me. Seriously...I couldn't tell my hair stylist she cost too much and I was going to switch stylists. I just never went back. Even though I really liked that salon. But this is different. I need an oncologist, or any type of doctor really, to treat me like a HUMAN. I am a woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, friend, ect FIRST before I am breast cancer patient and that's how I would like to be treated.

Christy gave me a book called Crazy, Sexy Cancer Tips and one of Kris Carr's tips is to put people in charge of things. The number one thing was google. Google is my best friend on most days. I google EVERYTHING. But not cancer. Not different types, not outcomes, not doctors. I have banned myself after many tear filled nights of what ifs. So I've put Laurie and Christen in charge of google for me. Be prepared to be assigned something in the near future everyone else!

Lastly, I just wanted to kind of clear the air. Sometimes I feel like everyone thinks I'm using humor to deflect how sad I am. I'm not. When you say "how are you today" and I say "great", I mean it. If I say "eh you know", I mean it. When I'm telling you for the first time I have breast cancer and I say "isn't it so ridiculous" and laugh, that's how I really feel. I don't always laugh about having cancer, sometimes I'm so sad about it its overwhelming, but usually, I don't think about it. In spite of what cancer is trying to do, I have a great life and I love every minute of it. Kris Carr said in her book, her friends had to point out to her that every time she sent an update she capitalized cancer. Her friends felt like that gave it some sort of power over her. I feel the same way. I call cancer "it" a lot or an array of colorful cuss words that seem appropriate. 

But starting as early as we can get there on Saturday, I will be standing at my Heaven on Earth (aka the beach) and I plan to get in as many one on one's with God as possible. I need to see sunrises and sunsets and the stillness that the ocean can bring. Something about the sounds and the waves brings me clarity and happiness. 



PS. Reason #1292 why we don't do home improvement projects: you build a new desk (super easy), you no longer have internet or phone. Oops!!