All I want for Christmas

We have been quiet about surrogacy lately because honestly we have given up a little bit. We still have a tiny bit of hope left but not like we did 6 months ago. We feel defeated. Looking back at my blog in January (and then in June) we were so full of hope and optimism and now honestly we don't even talk about it. We don't bring up having a baby at all.

I am on 2 surrogacy boards on Facebook and I have been approached by a couple different women to potentially be our surrogate. One I turned down because she lived too far away (and her fb profile was too minimal to seem like a real person) and 2 others didn't have insurance. The other thing is how much some of these women ask for in terms of compensation. We don't have a spare $30,000 plus a c section fee plus a multiples fee plus a clothing fee plus travel and on and on. I'm not saying that these women don't deserve compensation but after you add up all of those fees they can make almost $50,000. Then I'm wondering what is the original $30,000 for? 

This month has also been hard because when we thought we had a surrogate lined up in June we imagined that the transfer would be around October and if it worked we could announce around Christmas or Mackenzie's birthday in January. I was really looking forward to telling her that she was going to be a big sister for her birthday. She told me again this week that she wished she had a brother or sister. I can't imagine why she thinks we haven't had a baby yet. She knows that I was sick and had to take medicine that made my hair fall out but she doesn't know that I can't carry any more babies. I think it would break her heart. Her hope is keeping our hope alive. 

The other reason we haven't really talked about surrogacy is because I STILL have not completely healed from my reconstruction surgery. I have been on 2 different antibiotics and 2 different ointments. Last week my surgeon wanted to open my incision and reclose it in the office. I politely declined and asked if we could try the 2nd ointment first. Luckily it seems to be working. The other bad part is that my surgeon is moving to NJ and next week is his last week in the office. I felt like we were breaking up at my appointment this week. He's been such a calm and empathetic voice for the last 3 years and I'm really going to miss him. Although- you know- I wish we never met! 

I am feeling a little pressure because I need to start Lupron shots (to go into menopause) but I need to first be completely healed  before I can even think about doing an egg retrieval. I feel like a mess. And these are the moments I get really angry. I know that life is unfair sometimes but how unfair does it have to be? Sometimes I feel like I used up all of my luck in my first 27 years and then it ran out. It's really hard to watch others announce their pregnancy and then even harder to hear people complain about being pregnant or about what their kids are doing that's annoying. I would love to be annoyed by a 2 year old right now instead of begging strangers to carry our child. 

The other day I opened my email and saw I had a comment on my blog. I was excited to see what it said until I read it. 

First I'm guessing this person just read that one blog and not any others as this has been addressed. Second- how insensitive. Is adoption the only alternative to women who can't carry their own child? The comment makes it sound like I can go to our local kid adoption center and pick out whichever kid I want. Adoption is hard and expensive and while we are moving forward with surrogacy it doesn't mean that we would never consider adoption. In fact we have. Many times. I even recently looked into more agencies. But right now we just can't imagine a world that doesn't have another biological child of ours in it. Is that selfish? Maybe. But that is our choice. 

Please share this with anyone who you think might be able to be our surrogate. Or anyone who would also want to share it. At some point we are going to have to make some tough decisions if we can't find a surrogate but we aren't ready to give up just yet. Maybe 2016 will be the year of the baby. 

Post surgery

Yesterday marked 1 month since my reconstruction surgery. It's going okay so far. The immediate recovery was a million times easier than my mastectomy surgery which everyone told me. I went for a post-op check up a week after surgery and it was good. I broke out all over my torso immediately after surgery  and I think it's from the orange stuff they put on you before surgery. It went away by the following week.

Last Wednesday I called my doctor because it looked red around my steri-strips in my incision on my cancer side and I was worried it was getting infected. They told me to come right in and the PA looked at it. She took off the steri-strips and looked a little concerned. It wasn't infected but radiation causes all sorts of wound problems. So I got another antibiotic and told to use Neosporin on that incision. The other side looks fine. 

I went back yesterday. I was supposed to go this Friday but my doctors office called yesterday to say they wanted to see me sooner. I guess the PA and my doctor were talking about me Tuesday and my doctor was concerned enough that he wanted to see me sooner. Luckily the PA was in the room with the doctor and she thought it looked much better. My doctor changed me to a prescription ointment and extended my 2nd antibiotic. He thinks that incision will be healed in about another week. I'm just hoping none of this pushes back when my restrictions get lifted on the 14th. 

I luckily haven't been in much pain. Last week I was in a little pain which another reason why I called the doctor but otherwise it hasn't been bad. I'm just looking forward to feeling normal and being able to do things like raise my arms over my head and sleep on my side. 

It's been a pretty emotional month. In my last blog I said that its brought back a lot of thoughts of cancer. Obviously I wouldn't be having this surgery if I never had cancer. But more than that sometimes I feel like cancer keeps butting in my life. It's like cancer sees I'm doing well so it throws something new at me. I wish I could get a restraining order. Last week I was really frustrated because one of the reasons I out this surgery off for so long is because I didn't want to have to deal with all of this again. So it felt like a punishment or something that I was having complications. It's bad enough that I'm permanently disfigured and have permanent discoloration from radiation but then to have my wound not heal too? I shouldn't have been surprised. After all I am usually in the small percentage that things happen to. But I'm feeling better after seeing my doctor yesterday and my incision finally look like it's starting to heal.  

On a different note, Tuesday was my head shaving cancerversary.

Bottom left and top left: 12/1/12 before and after, top middle: 12/1/13, top right: 12/1/14, bottom right: 12/1/15

I was reading my old blogs about shaving my head on Tuesday and it just seems so strange that those blogs are about me. I actually liked having a bald head once I finally had it shaved. Although I hated wearing a wig. Most days after work I'd take it off in the car on the way home from work- it makes your head so hot! And when your hair is falling out it is SO itchy! But hopefully I never have to experience that again! Growing your hair out is such a pain! I love looking back at old pictures from 2 years ago to see how crazy my hair looked while it was growing back out. 

Chemo

3 years ago today I was recovering from my first round of chemo. I can't really remember specifics about that day. I'm so glad I blogged that whole experience because either I don't really remember things or I remember them differently.

I re-read my blog (click for link) from that day and I'm struck by 2 things- I still, even after 3 years, cannot believe I had cancer and how brave I must have been walking I there for the first time. I hate to call myself brave because I didn't have a choice but I was. Your first chemo is definitely the scariest because you don't know how you react to the medicines. My chemo friend found out she had a heart condition because of her first round of chemo. 

These past 2 weeks I've been thinking about when I had cancer a lot because I am still recovering from reconstruction surgery (recovery is going good- just have to keep reminding myself that I am getting better everyday). My family and I have been through so much because of stupid cancer. The trauma of that experience will never go away. Like any other trauma as time goes on the sad and scary feelings happen less often but their intensity remains the same. I just hate this hold cancer gets to have on my life. I don't get to make many decisions without considering it and I hate it. 

This surgery recovery has been easier than last time but still annoying especially because I never wanted to have anything like this done and I will have restrictions for another month. The first time I cried at a doctors office after being diagnosed was at my plastic surgeons office because I couldn't get over how ridiculous it was that I now have a plastic surgeon. I'm annoyed that even 3 years out I am still having to change my life because of cancer. 

Speaking of that- I think we have decided to do our egg retrieval in the beginning of the year so that I can start on my lupron shots and go into menopause. So again I am not only reminded daily that I had cancer with my tamoxifen but now also monthly with a shot. Cancer never goes away.

We are starting to get a little hopeless about finding a surrogate. I just feel so blah about it. The end of the year is coming soon and I just really expected that we would have some sort of good news by now. I knew not everyone would jump at the chance to get to be our surrogate (we did have 2 great candidates that didn't work out) but I just I guess naively thought that someone would be pregnant with our child by now. Waiting is the worst. Mackenzie asks a lot about having a brother or sister and I wish I could tell her why I can't get pregnant and that we need a surrogate but I don't think at almost 6 she will understand all of it. And I don't want to upset her more than she already is. 

These "cancerversaries" always bring up a lot of emotions for me. It's crazy to remember what it was like 3 years ago going through all of this and how life is now. I am a better person for having gone through all of this but I wish that I could have learned these lessons in a less life threatening way. 

Reconstruction

Yesterday I had my reconstruction surgery that I've put off for more than 2 years. For the last week or so I have been SO nervous. Last time I had surgery I received bad news after so I think that's why I was so nervous. Also just being under general anesthesia is scary.

Mackenzie spent the night at my parents house Sunday night and we kept her out of school Monday. After we dropped her off (she asked us when we were leaving like 10 times) we went out to dinner and I ate almost 2 pounds of crab legs. So delicious! 

George and I got to the hospital at 6 am and checked in. Then the nurse called us back. I was trying to remember which room I was in last time for my surgery but there's so many pre-op rooms. My nurse was really nice and for my gown and socks and I changed. Then it was IV time! Luckily the nurse was able to place an IV on the first try as opposed to last time where it took two. 

I knew from my mastectomy that time would start going faster and faster. The anesthesiologist came in and asked me a bunch of questions and another nurse came in and gave me a patch on my neck for nausea. Then my plastic surgeon came in and drew on me- I guess to make sure I'm symmetrical. I knew from my last surgery that the when the nurse anesthetist came in I was about to go into surgery. She gave me some good meds through my IV, I kissed George goodbye and I was wheeled into the operating room. The last thing I remember was them moving my arms on the operating table and then I woke up in recovery. 

I think recovery at the hospital was easier because it was like 10am and not 8pm like last time. I think we were home around 12. I did feel nauseous when I was being wheeled to the car but I didn't get sick. I ate a lot of crackers and drank a lot of water and ginger ale and I felt much better. 

I'm really sore still. As long as I don't move I usually feel fine. I try to not take too much pain medicine but I do take it when I'm feeling extra sore. I haven't really had any pain so that's good. 

I'm glad this is over with. I should have done it 2 years ago but oh well. And I picked a great time because my surgeon is moving at the end of the year and I would hated to have someone else do it. My surgeon is such a nice guy and so calming so I'm sad that he is moving.

Now that this is over we are going to get back to finding a surrogate. We have a little more to fill out for our attorneys matching program and I'm on 2 Facebook message boards to try to match with a surrogate. We still are hoping that we can have a friend as our surrogate but at this point as long as we find a good match that is close by we will be happy! 

Surrogate application

I have to say the hardest part of needing a surrogate is that our entire fate rests on someone else. And the part that pisses me off the most is that I would probably be able to get pregnant tomorrow if we tried. But we can't. And I hate it.

We haven't gotten any takers on a surrogate. I'm not totally surprised. We had 2 volunteers. Much more than we ever expected. But it is still hard- it feels like rejection. We are still hoping that our surrogate is someone we know but it is looking more and more like it won't be.

Our attorney's office matches intended parents and surrogates. After our bad news last week I asked how we could get in that program. I was sent an 13 page application. We have to narrow our lives into 13 pages and hope that it is good enough for someone else to pick us. There are 2 potential surrogates waiting to be matched. I have no idea how many intended parents there are.

My fear is that once they read that I have a potentially fatal illness they won't pick us. I feel tremendous guilt for being the one whose fault is that this is happening. I talked to Mackenzie last week about how she would feel if she never had a brother or sister and she said sad. I asked her why? And she said because I'll be lonely. She's all ready lonely. Some nights I'm so sad I can't even face her. It's not fair that this is the life she was born into.

I feel like we are going through the grieving process. Like we just have to accept that we are going to be a 3 person family and that is that. There are a million worse things that could happen to a family. And I know Mackenzie is beyond loved by not only us but friends and family as well. She will never want for love. But I know how it feels to be lonely. How it feels to not have someone to talk to who understands what you are going through. That's my life since I was diagnosed.

Mackenzie asked George a couple weeks ago if I was having surgery after she overheard my mom and I talking. Later I asked her if she had any questions and she said no. About 2 weeks ago she asked me if surgery would hurt when they cut my belly. I asked her why she thought I was having surgery on my belly. She said she didn't know she just thought it was. This weekend, after thinking about that conversation for the last 2 weeks, it occurred to me that she might think I'm pregnant. So I asked her if she thought I was pregnant and she said she did before I told her I wasn't having surgery on my belly. I asked her why she thought that I was pregnant and she said because I was having surgery and because I've been going to the doctor a lot. I felt so awful that she probably got her hopes up thinking that a baby was coming soon. 

Speaking of me being pregnant- I've known for 3 years now that I might not ever be able to be pregnant again but it hit me really hard recently, especially after learning I need to go into menopause. I know I am beyond lucky to be able to experience one pregnancy but man, it's been a hard pill to swallow. It is so hard to see pregnancy announcements and baby bumps because I want that for us. I pray that we will one day get to expand our family but it is SO hard to remain hopeful. 

We are almost done with our application. The hardest part is writing a statement to potential surrogates. It's hard to summarize everything we want to say in a short paragraph. But the easiest part for me was describing George as a husband and father. And of course I liked seeing what he wrote about me!

New news

Last Wednesday I had 2 doctors appointments- 1 with my GP for pre-op screening and 1 with my oncologist for my yearly check up and Thursday I had my pre-op appointment with my plastic surgeon.

My appointment with my GP was good- I got some tests run including an EKG. It's weird to be so young and have had so many tests on my heart all ready. The appointment with my plastic surgeon was good too- we just talked options and a little about the surgery. It is supposedly easier than my mastectomy so I'm hoping that is true. My surgery is supposed to start at 7:30 am so hopefully I will be home by the time Mackenzie gets home from school.

At my oncologist I got blood work (which was good) and waited FOREVER for my appointment. When I was finally called back and met with my oncologist she told me that since I saw her last year there has been a new study that shows that younger women who have breast cancer who go into menopause after treatment fair better then women who don't. I'm not in menopause. I have 2 choices- take a medication called Lupron monthly via injection until I go into menopause myself or have a hysterectomy. 

I always assumed once we had another child I would have a hysterectomy. I always felt like it would help my chances of survival but I was surprised it is now being recommended to all young women. I'm going to start with Lupron and then eventually have a hysterectomy and just get it over with. I can't see myself getting monthly injections for the next 30 years. 

We also had a friend volunteer to be our surrogate a while ago and we have been slowly going through the process with her. We were really hopeful because she would have been a great surrogate and we all agreed on everything we talked about. Then Wednesday night we found out that my doctors office disqualified her. Not for anything she did or that could have been changed. Just that which ever program they follow limits the amount of births and c-sections a surrogate can have. Which is information I wasn't given 6 months ago when I asked what the qualifications were. 

So obviously Wednesday night wasn't a great night. I think it was harder to hear that our friend was disqualified more than it was to hear about having to go into menopause. But I guess our plan now is to do egg retrieval as soon as possible (after reconstructive surgery on November 2nd) and then start Lupron. 

Which brings us to our next topic- WE STILL NEED A SURROGATE. The new qualifications we received said that she must be 43 or younger, BMI under 35, have had 2 c-sections or less and 4 births or less. 

In January when I posted about the "Year of the baby" (click for link) I fully expected that we would have a surrogate  pregnant by now. But it's been a pretty disappointing year. And we are REALLY trying to not give up hope but it's been hard to remain hopeful. Our fate remains in someone else's hands and that is really hard to deal with. We have gone through so many ups and downs in this process. And every time there is an up we start to dream about this baby and then there has always been a down shortly after. 

If you have any other questions about our feeling towards certain topics- why we need a surrogate, our opinion on selective reduction or how many embryos we want to transfer CLICK HERE for our FAQ's post. We are open to questions at any time in any forum- even if you don't think you could be our surrogate. Like I've said before- we know this is A LOT. It's more than you could even imagine- how do you tell your kids, what do you tell work/your friends and family, how are the injections and medications going to effect you. It's a lot to think about and talk to your family about.

But this new information about going into menopause has really shaken us up. Like I said- I always thought I would have a hysterectomy anyways but now there is a rush on me at least starting these injections soon. And not having a surrogate all ready made that information even harder to hear. Please at least consider sharing this post with your friends or family who you think could help. We would love to use someone we know but are getting to the point where we might have to use a stranger. Mostly we hope that our surrogate will live close to us so we can go to appointments and be there for the birth.

Thanks again for your continued support. I never imagined at 31 (almost 32) that I would be sitting here asking for a surrogate and waiting to have my reconstructive surgery for breast cancer. But this is our new life and we will continue to soldier on. 

Genetics

After much debate George and I decided to have a genetic test done to see if we were carrier for any diseases. It's a weird thing to be able to do because it could potentially change a lot. And sometimes ignorance is bliss. But I'm really glad we did it. It is good information for our families to have as well, especially Mackenzie and our future child/ren.

It only took 2 weeks but we got the results back last Thursday. The great news is that we are carriers of different things so there is almost no chance of having a child with any of these disease. Of course they will never say 100% chance but we will take the odds we have! 

George is a carrier of Biotinidase deficiency & Mucolipidosis IV. Biotinidase deficiency is just a vitamin deficiency that is really treatable with medication so that's good news. Mucolipidosis IV is a break down of fatty acids that causes a metabolic disorder. Although most people with this disorder can live to their 40's they never learn to walk and their mental capacity stays around age 12-18 months (per Counsyl's website). 

I am a carrier of Spinal Muscular Atrophy. This was kind of scary for me because my grandmother died of ALS before my brother and I were born so I was worried that this might mean I have the gene for ALS as well. But per the lady from Counsyl during my phone consultation there are different genes for SMA and ALS so my risk of ALS is not greater than anyone else. 

It's weird because I follow a woman on instagram whose daughter was born with SMA and that's how I first learned about it. It is such a nasty disease so when I found out that I was a carrier for it it was shocking. I am just so glad that George isn't a carrier for it as well. Of course there are no guarantees but the chances of us having a child with SMA are pretty small. But we do know that I am the queen of slim chances! 

We are also going to have the embryos tested for chromosomal abnormalities. We are just trying to get the best possible odds possible for our future transfer. 

Speaking of embryos- we don't have a date yet to do egg retrieval. I have my reconstruction surgery on November 2nd. This is the surgery I was supposed to have like 1.5 years ago but have been pushing off. So I finally scheduled it. This takes priority over egg retrieval and I want to make sure I'm recovered before we start scheduling egg retrieval. 

Truthfully I'm not really looking forward to either. But I am excited to see how many eggs we get this time and how many healthy embryos we can make. It's so interesting that some people get a ton of eggs during retrieval but then only end up with 1 or 2 good embryos or some people get like 7 eggs and almost all become good embryos. We are optimistic that this time we will get a lot more eggs and then end up with good quality embryos! 

FAQ

As we have been learning about surrogacy for the past 3 years sometimes I forget that not everyone has as much information as we have. We know a lot but are in no way experts! Especially since we haven't actually used a surrogate yet. So I thought I'd put together a list of questions that people might have or have asked us and answer them- feel free to ask any other questions you might have!

Why do you need a surrogate if you don't have cancer anymore?
This is probably the most common question we get. The biggest reason is because while it's true that I am in remission the chance of recurrence even after 3 years is still a huge possibility. I am currently taking tamoxifen which is an estrogen antagonist. Being pregnant means I would produce a lot of estrogen which is what fuels my cancer. So if I was pregnant I would have to stop the tamoxifen (which is blocking estrogen essentially) and I would be adding in a lot of estrogen in my body. While taking tamoxifen isn't a guarantee that I won't get cancer again, my doctor and I aren't comfortable risking me being off it to be pregnant. My prescription for tamoxifen is for 5-10 years and I've only been on it for 2.

Edited to add: my oncologist recently told me I need to go into menopause because new studies show that young women in menopause after cancer have less rate of recurrence. This news means that any chance of me ever being pregnant again is over.

Does the surrogate use her own eggs?
Not in our case. We are going to use a gestational surrogate which means the embryo will come from George and I and then be implanted into the surrogate. We will do another egg retrieval and then fertilize the good quality eggs we get that will then be implanted into the surrogate.

Isn't there a possibility of the surrogate carrying a lot of babies?
Technically there could be however we wouldn't want more than twins. Our plan is to implant 2 embryos and if both stick then that's great. If one sticks that's great. And if none stick then we will try again. There is of course, a chance that either or both embryo could split into 2 or 3. If there were more than 3 then we would, unfortunately, chose to selectively reduce. I know a lot of people might not agree with that and it feels like beggars can't be choosers but in this case we actually can chose. Carrying more than 2 babies just isn't safe for the surrogate or the babies nor do we feel capable for caring for that many children.

Edited to add: As we have gone along this journey we have realized that transferring more than 1 embryo only gives us a better chance of having multiples. We have changed our position on how many embryos to transfer- as of now we would only transfer one embryo unless our doctor recommends otherwise.

How do I qualify to be a surrogate?
My doctor said his ideal surrogate would be 40 or under (although he said age isn't THAT important), in good health and has given birth to healthy children. Having a child is a state law for surrogacy. I used to think the surrogate had to be married but that is not the case. However if she is married her husband obviously has to agree to his wife being a surrogate.

Edited to add: new guidelines from my doctor say a potential surrogate should be under 43, BMI under 35, no more than 2 c-sections and no more than 4 births. My doctor follows the ASRM guidelines and won't budge from these requirements.

The first steps are being medically cleared by my fertility doctor, George and I and the surrogate and her partner if she has one have to be cleared by a psychologist and our attorney will check the surrogates insurance to make sure it covers her pregnancy. Once those things go through we would go to contract which means we would both fill out the questionnaire where we agree to all of the questions and submit that to my attorney. The surrogate can either hire her own attorney (that we would pay for) or use an attorney recommended by our attorney (it can't be our attorney because of conflict of interest) and once we agree to the contract the process of the surrogate being pregnant would begin.

What is the commitment in terms of appointments and time off work?
I don't have a definite answer for this. In the beginning there will be a couple of doctors appointments and a psychologist appointment. Obviously when it gets closer to transfer time there will be more frequent appointments but it is my understanding that the surrogate won't have to necessarily go to the Shady Grove I go to to have this done. And their appointments are pretty early in the morning. And then once the surrogate is pregnant there will be a couple appointments with Shady Grove (every couple weeks) and then she will be released to her doctor who will see her as a regular pregnancy- once a month until she gets closer to the due date.

Why don't you just use an agency to find a surrogate?
We would love to do this. In fact our attorney's office matches gestational surrogates and intended parents for free. But we don't have an extra $20,000. This process cost around $35,000 without considering the payment to the surrogate. To be frank- we can pay a surrogate something but we just can't afford the going rate which is why we have been hoping that someone we know will want to be our carrier.

What would I have to pay for as the surrogate?
Nothing. George and I and your insurance would cover everything. All of the pre-screening, all of the attorney expenses, all of your co-pays and out of pocket expenses would be covered by us. This is something that our contact would cover and would also include how much we would pay the surrogate per month, per cycle if the first cycle doesn't work, if shes carrying twins, ect.

I am afraid that I will want to keep the baby once it is born if I am your surrogate. (Not a question but a legitimate concern)
I can totally understand this concern. I felt totally bonded with Mackenzie the entire time I was pregnant, from the second I saw the positive on the test. But I think that it will be different going into this knowing that in the end you won't take a baby home. Not everyone can handle that, and I totally get it. But that is also why there is a contract in place.

What kind of contact do you expect of the surrogate during pregnancy and after the birth?
During the pregnancy I expect to go to every prenatal appointment. This is one big reason we would like the surrogate to live fairly close to us. We don't need a text or email for every little movement or kick but I guess depending on who the surrogate is and how close we are with them before the process started we wouldn't mind!

Part of the contract will talk about what will happen in the hospital after the baby is born. George and I are willing to leave some of this open to the surrogate. George and I want the baby to be handed to us directly after birth. After the birth, the surrogate may not want to see the baby that much or she may want to see the baby as often as possible. We want to do whatever feels most comfortable for all of us. I'm certainly not going to rip a baby out of our surrogates arms and never let her see the baby again. The surrogate will bond with this baby while she is carrying it no matter what. So to just take the baby away without giving her a chance to come to terms with her journey ending is not fair to the surrogate. Our hope is that the hospital won't be too full and George, the baby and I will be able to have our own room and the surrogate will be able to have her own room (again at no cost to her). Otherwise, as I understand it, the only time we will be able to take the baby out of the nursery is when we take it to the surrogates room. And she might be okay with that (we are okay with that too) but I just think it could become a little burdensome to all of us.

After we all leave the hospital I guess future contact will depend on our relationship with the surrogate. Again, I know that she will bond with this baby so I imagine that we will continue contact. I guess the amount of contact will be something we will have to figure out as time goes on. I don't necessarily think that any of us should feel pressure to see each other a certain amount of times a month/year but I guess we will have to see how the whole process goes. We certainly don't want to overload the surrogate with baby information/pictures after she delivers in case she might need some space to recover from the whole process.

What say does the surrogate get in her medical care regarding the pregnancy and testing, diet, ect?
Our contact is VERY specific and all of these questions have to be agreed on and in our contract before we can proceed with any type of embryo transfer. Some of the questions- as mentioned above- talk about selective reduction and abortion. We have answered most of the questions that we would like the option to have our carrier selectively reduce or abort the baby if there are life threatening problems and this is something that our surrogate would have to agree with us on. Obviously we hope that the baby is healthy and we don't have to worry about any of that. We are getting ALL of the genetic pre-screening available (on George and I and the embryo before it is transferred)  but I guess there is always a chance something goes wrong. But ultimately our number one concern is the health of our surrogate. We would never ask her to keep carrying a pregnancy that is detrimental to her health.

In regards to while the surrogate is pregnant- these are things we will have to discuss with the surrogate and decide what we are all comfortable with. I didn't do any testing while I was pregnant with Mackenzie and I kind of expect the same for our future baby, especially since we are doing so much genetic testing all ready. In terms of diet, we just expect that the surrogate will abstain from all tobacco, illegal drugs and alcohol during the pregnancy. I think most women change their eating habits at least a little bit while their pregnant and I'm not really worried about that unless her doctor thinks there is a problem.

In terms of what doctor the surrogate will see- her own. I think its important for every woman to find a doctor that they are comfortable with so we wouldn't ask for her to change. That goes for hospital as well. We live in an area where every hospital is reputable and we know our baby would get the best care so we will deliver wherever the surrogate is comfortable.

Will you expect the surrogate to pump and provide breast milk?
Again we will leave this up to the surrogate. Some might want to do this for us and the baby but we aren't expecting it. I can imagine after giving birth the surrogate might want to be done with anything baby related and we totally understand.

Who will decide the birth plan?

Ultimately because this is our baby George and I will make medical decisions on the babies behalf. However, like I said before, our surrogates health is most important. Because the surrogate will have all ready given birth the birth plan might be set from the beginning (i.e. Must have a c-section) but as we all know not every birth is the same. We are totally open to discuss this with the surrogate as she may have specific things she wants in the room or specific way she is hoping for the birth to go. Another thing to consider is that George and I would like to be in the room for our babies birth. Again this may not be possible for whatever reason but it is something we would all have to discuss.

Why don't you just adopt/why do you need to have another child? 

We've thought about it all. We have looked into adoption extensively. But we feel like we have the resources to have a biological child so that is what we would like to do. As for the second part- believe me we have gone back and forth with this for years. Recently I went on a trip to visit my bestie Laurie in Massachusetts with Mackenzie and it was SO easy! She is at such a great age- she gets her self dressed, she plays by herself, she can get herself in and out of the car and she is SO independent! When I got home from Massachusetts I turned to George and asked- do we really want to do this? And we talked about it for a few minutes and then I just started crying. It's easy to pretend that we are handling this well emotionally but the truth is that sometimes we aren't. It's easy to not think about all of this for awhile but then when you do it really hits you. We want another child. Like today. We talk about him or her all the time and Mackenzie just started telling us that she says a prayer to herself that she will get a brother or sister. I thought about how hard it would be to tell Mackenzie that we changed our mind and that we were just going to be a family of 3. And I thought that if that's what George and I decide then that's what will happen. That's not why we want another child. But the thought of not expanding our family feels like a part is missing from our hearts. We had a lead on a potential surrogate and we got our hopes up- through no fault of any of us- but we didn't really realize it until it was over. I realized that I had been looking at car seats and all the things that go along with newborns or twins and I got really caught up in it. So I think that is why we have been kind of quiet lately. We don't want to get our hopes up again so it all feels kind of blah right now- which we hate. 

I have to say that this has been one of the hardest side effects of having cancer. It has lasted 3 years and there is no end in sight so far. We have done most of what we can do in terms of our testing so we are just waiting. When we went to our financial appointment she asked if we were ready to start right away or in August and I just thought- wow I can't believe it's going so quickly. Then when I realized it was September I got really sad because like I said before we had our hopes up and so a timeline started in our head and we planned all of it- when we would do the transfer, when/how we would tell Mackenzie/others and now there is no timeline. We know that this is A LOT. I can't say that enough. After saying all of this- we aren't giving up hope and we aren't going to give up. It's not happening in our timeline (or we'd have a 2.5 year old) but we are adjusting. 

Hope anchors the soul

When we left our financial appointment a month ago I started to get really emotional. This process is A LOT. There's a lot to know, a lot to do and a lot of emotions that go into it. While we were driving home I just kept saying in my head- hope anchors the soul, hope anchors the soul, hope anchors the soul. This has been my motto for 3 years now. It has kept me together through the toughest times.

Then "Fight Song" came on the radio and I started tearing up. Especially these lyrics. It's just going to take one person making one decision that's going to change out entire world. 

We are trucking along. Honestly this surrogacy journey has been almost as hard as having cancer. At least after I was diagnosed there was a definitive path I had to go on. With surrogacy there are so many unknowns and it's really hard emotionally. 

I feel in a lot of ways like a failure. I'm supposed to be able to provide children for my husband and daughter but I can't. It's hard to be reminded of that everyday. I know neither if them would ever say that to me but that's how I feel. I desperately want to be able to complete my family the way that I'm "supposed" to- by me getting pregnant. But I can't. And that's been the hardest part. 

We have completed 5/11 items off our checklist from the fertility doctor. We are figuring out the exact amount of money we will need and then hopefully will be able to keep moving along. We also have to decide about the level of genetic testing we would like to do. 

We know the right woman is out there. It's an incredible thing we are asking someone to do for us but I know she's there. Obviously we would love to get started as soon as possible- since we have been waiting 3 years to get pregnant. I have the due date calendars essentially memorized and we would love to have a baby next summer which would mean someone would have to be cleared ASAP. But obviously we know that beggars can't be choosers. Again we are more than willing to answer any questions you might have- no obligations. We have a questionnaire from out attorney that has a lot of questions that have to be answered that is pretty helpful. And of course we have a team at Shady Grove that are available to answer any questions. 

I know not everyone understands this route we are taking but this is the course that we think is best for our family. Thank you again for continuing to share our story and supporting us! We couldn't have made it this far without you all! 

Surrogacy Update

This July I felt like I had THREE full time jobs- my actual job, the fundraiser and trying to have a baby via surrogate. Thanks to everyone who shared my surrogacy post. Sometimes these situations make you feel so alone but with each "share" it felt like people were really behind us with this.

WE ARE STILL LOOKING FOR A SURROGATE. We appreciate anyone who has even thought about it. Being a surrogate is hard on the surrogate and her whole family. And there is A LOT that you would have to do. Obviously I'm not trying to scare anyone away but it's the truth. In the last 2 months we have learned a ton of new information and we have been reading and learning about surrogacy for the last 3 years.

Here's an update about what we have been doing the last 2 months-

When we first talked to our fertility doctor about this he set up a team for us including a clinical coordinator, a nurse and a financial coordinator. They have all been SO helpful. I love that everyone is just an email away I can just shoot them questions (because I have A LOT!).

We met with the financial coordinator first. We could have had a phone appointment as she is in Rockville but I'm a visual person and I hate to talk to people I don't know on the phone. I felt like we got a lot more information that we would have otherwise and felt good about the appointment when we left. Right now I'm in the process of begging them for donated medications so we will see how that goes. I donated my medications back to Shady Grove after I was done with my last egg retrieval so I feel like they could donate some back to me. Even if it's just one type of medication or half of the medication I need. Medications alone are going to cost like $3000-$5000!!

We also got the list of questions from the attorney's office that we would have to discuss with a potential surrogate. I thought I kind of knew what all of the questions would be. And I knew a bunch but there are A LOT of questions on there that I didn't even think of! Like- what if you want to abort the baby for medical reasons but the surrogate wants to keep it? Who would ever think to ask that!? I guess that shows we have an attorney that knows what she's doing- she should she does a TON of these!

George and I have had blood work done (the first of many). We also have to have genetic screening done. There are a lot of extra steps to do if you are using a surrogate because any potential diseases or problems we have could be given to her because she's carrying our baby. And of course our future surrogate and her husband have to go through the same testing for the same reason. Eventually we will all also have to be evaluated by a psychologist. I'm interested to see how that part will go because I have no idea what he or she will ask us.

I got approval from my oncologist to go through another retrieval so that was good news. She approved it last year when we talked about it at my appointment but my fertility doctor wanted it in writing to to talk to her so I'm just glad we are all in agreement. My oncologist is probably happy that I won't be asking her every 5 minutes when I can have a baby anymore!

Things are moving along. We have to get the finance part in order but there are more steps we have to complete before we do that. I'm ridiculously pissed off that my insurance doesn't include any type of IVF treatment. In fact when I called she said it was "excluded". I just don't understand how a medical condition could be excluded. I know that having kids is an option and not necessary but so is undergoing chemo or taking any other medications (like viagra- which is probably covered). Once I'm through part of this I'm really going to figure out how to talk to my employer about this because it just doesn't make sense to me. I'm not saying they should give me $50,000 or unlimited lifetime coverage but could you cover like 25% or 10% or SOMETHING?!

This process feels like it's moving fast and slow all at the same time. It feels like there's a million things going on at once and then there's a lull and nothing is going on. I just cannot wait to hold a baby in my arms and finally say this is our complete family! Mackenzie is still talking about "when the baby is here" or "when we have our baby". I was thinking the other day of how in the world we are going to explain to her that our baby was born from someone else. I'm sure we will figure it out. I guess it would be the same if we were adopting a baby- except this baby is biologically related to her/us. But the excitement I feel when I think about telling her she is going to be a sister is absolutely overwhelming! It's the thing I look forward most in my whole life.

I feel like I've been asking for a lot lately (donations, ect) but if nothing else if you could just share our story. We really want to use someone we know or a friend of a friend and not a stranger. I can't tell you how much it sucks that we can't just do this ourselves. We would have a 2.5 year old right now. But I got diagnosed with cancer instead. Although if I was healthy and had a normal pregnancy I would have loved to be a surrogate I can understand anyone's hesitations with it. It is a lot for a family to go through. But we want to answer questions. And again- if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out. I truly believe there is one perfect person that will be our surrogate for us and if that's not you it's okay. But we aren't going to stop looking until we find her. 

If you aren't sure and want to know more let us know. Our doctors and attorney are so helpful and are willing to answer any question. 

Thanks again for your continued support! 

THREE YEARS

How does 3 years go so fast and so slow at the same time? I can still picture myself- sitting in my office- when my phone rang and I knew at that moment that I had cancer. Some days I think- how did this happen to me. I call them my Nancy Kerrigan moments- why me? why now? I feel a little guilty in those moments because then I always think- why not me. Who else should this have happened to if not me?

I wish this never happened to me. That's obvious. But it did. And although sometimes the emotions of it are right at the surface mostly it's just a little blip in my life that happened 3 years ago. Someone asked me the other day how I handled emotionally being told I had cancer. And I answered like I've answered it for the last 3 years- I have no idea. You just do. There is no choice. You push through it until it's over.

I realized this morning that it was the 23rd (although I've been preparing for it all week) and I just kept thinking about like going to chemo, getting radiation and everything that went along with having cancer and I just started crying. Then I'm thinking- don't cry before work! You're going I ruin your makeup! Haha whatever makes the crying stop I guess. But I realized that July 23 has really turned into a day of celebration. And as it should I think. It's been 3 years but I'm here and I'm happy and healthy and that's most important! 

I picked Mackenzie up and we went to Crystal City and had dinner at Ted's Montana Grill and then got milkshakes at Cold Stone (just like we did last year). We took our milkshakes to Gravelly Point and watched the airplanes. Although it's so loud every couple of minutes while the airplanes land or take off it is so peaceful there. There's water and fields and it's just such a calm place to be. And tonight the sky was SO blue and not a cloud in the sky! 

It's been a crazy ride the last 3 years. I've learned a lot of medical things I never wanted to learn but I've also learned a lot about myself. I wish I could have learned all of these lessons another way but I know today that I am I better person than I was 3 years ago. And I know that I have the best friends and family in the whole world. 

In 2 days we are having my THIRD annual Fund It Forward and I'm so excited! I love that from this experience I have gained a ton of friends and experiences that I never would have of I wasn't diagnosed. I hope you can come but if not I hope you will donate. The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves does such great work for so many men and women diagnosed with cancer. The link to donate is on the sidebar of this blog. 

As always I could have never gotten through this without all of your support! Thanks for sticking by me for the last 3 years! 

Fund It Forward 2015

I'm so excited we are having our THIRD annual Fund It Forward event on July 25! I cannot believe this will be the 3rd one. I remember trying to plan the first one and just hoping that someone would show up or donate ANY money at all! It's daunting to tell a charity you are raising money for them. But you all showed up- in a big way. And again last year as well.

So of course I want this year to be even more successful than ever before! That's why I want to explain why this event and these 2 charities are so important to me.

Almost 3 years ago I was a 28 year old wife and mother of a 2.5 year old, enjoying the summer. We were so busy with work and raising our child and keeping our house together and play dates (for us and Mackenzie!) and everything that comes with being a working parent- or just an adult really. But we knew that we were ready to expand our family so because Mackenzie was premature without a reason we decided I should get a physical done. I was so terrified of having my blood drawn (that still makes me laugh- I can't count how many times I've had my blood drawn since) and that's all I was thinking about in the days leading up to July 11th.

But then my world came crashing down. I'm not sure many of you really understand how earth shattering this really was. I know that everyone goes through moments in their life that are challenging and that feel really hard- and I know they are- I've been through plenty. But people die from cancer every single day. And on July 23rd (well from July 11-October when I had my scans done) I thought I might be one of those people. I mean if we are being honest I still could.

Then during that time when your whole world is torn apart, when it feels like nothing will ever be right again people step up. People you love and who love you, new friends, old friends and strangers. No one at The III B's Foundation knew who I was when they dropped off baskets at Virginia Hospital Center. No one at Good Wishes knew who I was as they were ordering fabrics and sewing beautiful scarves together. But all of these people surrounded us and got us through this horrible ordeal. Without us having to say a word. All of these wonderful things just happened.

Even though I had cancer. And had body parts amputated. And put poison in my body. And had my skin burned off. I will NEVER EVER forget those moments when people who loved me and strangers came to my side and carried me through it.

I can't tell you how surprised I was when the staff from the hospital walked into my pre-op room on September 18th with a GIANT basket full of goodies. I couldn't even see how many items were in there because there was just SO much. And there are a lot of items I still use (the stuffed bear still helps me sleep) and a lot of things I didn't think to get (a loofah with a long handle because I couldn't raise my arms). I'm sure when Carolyn started The III B's Foundation she thought about those moments when her family and friends carried her through.

I found Good Wishes through my search of free stuff for cancer patients. To be honest I didn't really know if they would send me anything or not. I applied and picked the scarf I wanted and waited. I applied for a lot of free hats and I never heard back from any others. I received my scarf in December when I was all ready bald. To my surprise the package not only held my scarf but also a card that was signed by EVERY member of the office. And it was personalized. And not only that, every scarf they send out they put the persons name that is receiving the scarf on their wall in the office so they can remember all the scarves sent out.

Since last year's Fund It Forward I was invited by Good Wishes to travel to NYC to film a news segment talking about Good Wishes to CBS which was a lot of fun. And in February my husband and I attended The III B's Pink Tie Charity Ball where I received an award for my fundraising. Being able to meet other women on different stages of this journey but who are brought together because of the these 2 charities has been incredible.

To me- Fund It Forward is and never was about any recognition for myself- but only to get The III B's Foundation and Good Wishes Scarves more recognition (and MONEY!!). I wish that neither of these organizations had to exist. I wish they could figure this cancer thing out and no one else would ever be diagnosed- but until that day both of these organizations will keep lifting peoples spirits- one basket and one scarf at a time.

I hope you all can make it! And if you can't make it I hope you will consider a donation CLICK HERE TO DONATE (or click on the link on the top right). Every tiny bit counts and even $5 is $5 more than we would have without your donation. If this money we raise can just help a couple women to feel a little loved while going through treatment then we have had a successful fundraiser!

HELP NEEDED

I'm sure by now you all are aware that we want to have another child. Want isn't even a strong enough word. And by we I mean all three of us.

To increase our odds we have decided to do another egg retrieval. After all this time and being SO adamant about not doing another one it occurred to us that maybe we want more than 1 more child. And also we shouldn't put all of our hope into this one egg. Before we did the first retrieval, we were on the fence about it and even at one point had decided not to do it. But in the end we decided to do it because we knew that we would regret it if we didn't. Obviously the first egg retrieval went almost as bad as it could possibly go- we got one egg out of it. We were expecting at least 10. We had a phone appointment with my fertility doctor the other day that really helped us clear up what happened last time and how it will go moving forward. It was nice to hear from our doctor that last time he would have cancelled it if we weren't under the circumstances that we were under.

Its especially nerve wracking to do another retrieval knowing that it's after chemo and the per my blood work we have a "fair" chance of getting 5-10 eggs. There are 4 categories- Excellent, Good, Fair and Reduced. We are 1 number off having a reduced chance. So because we only got 1 egg last time we are obviously very worried about doing a retrieval again. I brought this up to my doctor and was encouraged by him and that he would up my doses of medication to try to stimulate more eggs. And this time we have the chance to stop a round and start over- a chance we didn't have last time.

The bottom line to all of this is that we need a SURROGATE. Like today. We need someone who is willing to give us this unselfish gift. It's a lot to deal with. There will be injections and ultrasounds and medical exams, psych exams and legal paperwork. But I know there is someone out there who has it in their heart to do this for us. Specifically my doctor would like us to find a surrogate who is in great health and has had a child/children. We know this person exists. Maybe it will take a little while to wrap your head around having a child for someone else and not getting to keep it after you give birth. But you're out there and we are ready when you are.

As you can imagine it's been super hard for us. It's like reliving the day I was told I had cancer all over again. For the last 3 years. For Mackenzie it is probably even harder because she doesn't really understand why we aren't having another baby today- she keeps saying to me- "maybe the baby is all ready in your belly". It's heartbreaking. She asks me to swaddle her baby doll every night and she holds her arms out like she would if she was going to hold a real baby and when I go check on her before I go to bed, she's still holding her baby Rose so carefully. For 3 years, I have thought about the moment that I would be able to tell her that she was going to be a big sister. Even before all of this cancer stuff. When we had planned to start trying to get pregnant. And for 3 years I have pictured the look on her face when she finally gets to meet her little brother or sister. We should be complaining about terrible two's right now but instead of getting pregnant in 2012 I was diagnosed with cancer. We think about this baby all the time. He/she has a name. Mackenzie talks about him or her (she prefers to have a sister obviously) and what they'll be like. We are ready.

Mackenzie holding her babies Rose and Annie.

I remember writing once in my blog that I can't really think about how me having cancer effects other members of my family and selfishly I do the same thing now about not being able to have a baby. When I first heard the doctor say it could be YEARS before we could start to even think about trying and then maybe it still wouldn't even going to be possible I almost told my husband to leave me. He wouldn't have but I just felt like I was ruining his life. We talk about all of this very matter of fact because otherwise I would just be a sobbing mess and we wouldn't be able to finish conversations. It is so selfish but I do my best to not think about how this effects them. I know how it effects George but to think about how it effects Mackenzie is devastating.

Mackenzie's drawing of our family including our future baby (and my long hair)

I don't even know how many embryo's we will end up with. They will all be tested and hopefully that will improve our chances of having a baby. It's not going to be easy- for us or our surrogate and her family but I know that you are out there. There are a lot of resources online but also please don't hesitate to reach out to us. We have a lawyer you can talk to as well as my fertility doctor if you have ANY questions. This will be a long process until our surrogate actually gets embryo's implanted and there is a chance to bail each step of the way. I can assure you that it won't alter our friendship or how we feel about you. Knowing that there is someone out there who would even let being our surrogate cross their mind for a minute gives us even the slightest hope.

Frustrated

I think I've used this title before. And I think it was the blog after I met with my first oncologist who told me I had to wait 3-5 years before I could try to get pregnant.

I'm really annoyed that we are at a standstill to have a baby. I'm feeling like my doctor's office doesn't even really want to help me. I'm sure that's not the case and I know he has a lot of patients BUT I want to be treated like I'm a priority. (side note- I was urgently calling all of my doctors 2 weeks ago to get a referral for physical therapy the day of my appointment because one of my doctors never sent it even though I gave them plenty of notice. I realized that once you are in remission you aren't so important anymore and it was nearly impossible. I think the original doctor I called sent it in but man- 2.5 years ago they all would have send it immediately- I guess it's a good thing to be unimportant in the cancer doctor world!).

Today I finally went in for my testing. I'll find out the results of the blood work next week. I had an ultrasound done and she saw 5 follicles on one side and 3 follicles on the other side. She said that was "good for someone who went through chemo". Of course afterwards I googled and apparently 5-10 follicles on each side is normal. So not too far off. I do have to say that it is REALLY hard to look at that ultrasound picture and see a blank screen. I've had more ultrasounds since being diagnosed than I ever had when I was pregnant with Mackenzie. And every time I see the blank screen it takes a minute to catch my breath.

Some days I really question if this is something I really want (and I'm sure George has those moments too). Do we really need another child? Isn't our life with Mackenzie good enough. It is. But then I think of a life without another child and I get teary eyed just thinking about it. We don't need to have another child to make our lives better or to have the life we want but we want a child in our family to bring even more joy and even more love.

I know part of the pain I am feeling is because I had cancer and I'll just never get over the destruction that caused in our lives. It should have gone away when all of the treatments stopped. But it doesn't. It is still effecting my life in a lot of ways. This one is certainly the hardest. Every month that goes by I recalculate how long until we could get a surrogate pregnant (usually takes about 4 months to get them through all of the testing, ect) then how long until the baby would be born and then how old Mackenzie will be. Each passing month it just feels more and more hopeless.

The other part of me is SO hopeful. I know if this is supposed to happen for us then it will. But we are just really tired of waiting and just really tired of feeling like the world is working against us. How unfair to have to keep being victimized by cancer over and over again. How unfair that there's no funding for people who had cancer to help them have a child. It's frustrating to navigate all of this blind.

We did find a really great lawyer. I spent about a half hour on the phone with her paralegal who went over EVERYTHING with me. The first lawyer I found was going to charge us a $350 an hour consultation fee so thank God we cancelled that appointment! But this firm is based out of Richmond and they have handled hundreds of surrogacy case. She told me lots of stories and gave me a lot of information about what to ask surrogates and things that are typically debated over in contracts. It put me a little at ease.

The other day I took Mackenzie to the bookstore and while she was looking at a couple books I walked around the kids section. A book called Wish {link to book trailer}caught my eye so I picked it up and read it. It was totally for me. All about how a couple of elephant parents are so hopeful to have a baby but are disappointed when it takes awhile. I almost bought it for myself. Having cancer was so lonely. Not because I wasn't supported. And not because I didn't have people around. It's just sometimes you feel or think things and feel like you can't say how you really feel. I think infertility is the same. Sometimes I really hate how it makes me feel- so sad, lonely, sometimes jealously. And really angry.

I'm hoping by next week when I finally get to talk to the fertility doctor we can start moving this along. I'm done waiting. I picture in my head what it will be like to tell Mackenzie she will be a big sister. She keeps saying "when I'm bigger then I'll be a sister". It's been really hard for all of us. And we are wishing for the wait to be over soon.

Day 30

Friday would have been the last day of Whole 30 (we are doing Whole 46 for Lent). I feel really proud of us! We actually stuck to this. Even though we both had moments where we wanted to quit, we didn't! And we both agreed that we like eating this way and will probably keep it up- most of the time.

I don't miss too much. I do wish there were some things I could add to my food- at least every once in awhile like black beans or cheese. Or corn. But I feel like I've learned a lot about my eating habits and how I should be eating. Obviously sometimes we will all have a splurge meal or a cupcake or something- but that was becoming our norm- eat whatever we wanted without even thinking about it.

We both feel a lot better physically. I would eat something previously and always tell George- ugh I can't eat _____ it makes me feel terrible. But then I would eat it again anyway. It will be interesting when we start reintroducing food groups to see what effects us. I'm praying for me it's not dairy! I love cheese so much!

After 31 days- I lost 14 pounds and George lost 17. I haven't measured inches yet but I'll do that this week. I did cheat a couple days in and weigh myself. And the scale said I lost 7 pounds. So of course I thought wow by 30 days I'll lose like 30 pounds! And then I started weighing myself like 3 days in a row. And the number kept going up instead of down (which I later read was normal). I stopped weighing myself everyday because it was making me want to stop doing Whole 30. Plus, even though I love the side effect of losing weight- that's not the total reason I wanted us to do Whole 30. We were spending a TON of money going out to dinner all the time and the food we were eating made us feel crappy.

So we have 13 days left until Easter. It really feels like these 30 days flew by. I'm sure the next 2 weeks will feel that way too. We are both going to start to add in a little more exercise into the mix now. Especially since it's spring and it SHOULD be nice out! It will be good for Mackenzie and Bailey to get out after dinner and get some fresh air too!

Halfway

There's 2 things I want to write about in this post. The first is Whole 30 and the second is February 28th.

We are officially 20 days into the Whole 30. It is incredible. My brain is changing. I eat things I never would have eaten before. And I don't really miss anything. Obviously I'm not swearing off any food forever. That's not what this is about. But it's realizing that it is possible to work full time, pick up Mackenzie, come home, make a healthy dinner and still have a little time to play after. That was one of my biggest excuse for not cooking. That and my tiny kitchen (which I still hate!!). There have been a couple nights where I thought to myself- this would definitely be a night where we would have gone out to dinner. But we didn't. We are sticking to it. Not 100% perfectly. But we are doing it!

days left until we are done with Lent

days since we started Whole 30

We went out to dinner with my parents 2 weekends ago to Outback and while I would have normally stuffed myself with bread and Caesar salad before I even got my food, I didn't! The bread sat on the table and George and I didn't touch it. When we left I mentioned to him that normally I would be SO full and be hating life but I felt satisfied and not stuffed. He agreed. After Whole 30 I will probably have a piece of bread at Outback BUT maybe just one piece instead of us eating it until its gone.

The last week George was putting our lunches together before work and he asked what I wanted to have for breakfast and I didn't make us a breakfast casserole last week so I said- umm meatloaf. He said- MEATLOAF??! For breakfast?! I said yes- whats wrong with meatloaf for breakfast?? And you know what- he had it too! And I seriously thought of having left over chicken legs for breakfast the other morning but I didn't- I had meatloaf again! If you asked me 3 weeks ago if I would ever eat meatloaf and carrot sticks for breakfast I would have laughed at you. But now- it's totally normal! I love it! (Also we won't talk about how it took over 2 hours to cook said meatloaf AND it totally fell apart when I tried to take it out of the pan! So basically it was just ground beef!)

We had 2 birthday parties last weekend. I passed up PB&J sandwiches, chicken nuggets, subs, chips and LAYER dip and pizza- OH and CAKE! Normally I would have parked myself at the layer dip and eaten it for 2 hours straight. But I had some fruit and veggies and a piece of meat off of Mackenzie's sub at the first party. At the second party we passed up pizza and stopped at Elevation Burger on the way home. They use olive oil and grass fed beef so it is whole 30 approved. I realized that it doesn't really matter what burgers are cooked in- fast food burgers make me feel gross!

We have 3 birthday parties this weekend so we will basically be Whole 30 party food pros! I don't think anyone with a special diet should expect anyone to make special food for them...especially us. We will eat what we can and then eat after if we have to. Probably what we should do anyway. Although I totally would have tore up some Mickey Mouse shaped chicken nuggets last weekend!

During Lent last year I could not wait to have chips and soda again. I was DYING for it! But this year, there's nothing that I am really dying to eat. I'm looking forward to being able to eat more options but I feel like we will continue to really scrutinize labels and eat at home. It's pretty incredible what is put in our food that most people never know about (including me). I really thought about our meat options recently and how I never really cared before about what the animals I eat ate. I cared about how they were treated but not really about what they ate. Then I realized- what they're eating and the medication they are given is what I get. And what Mackenzie gets. It's kind of scary.

ANYWAY! Now to the 2nd topic. February 28th just passed. February 28, 2013 I had my last chemo!! It's not a huge cancerversary for me- although it's pretty important. I'm really glad that I wrote this blog while going through treatment especially because now I think- oh chemo wasn't that bad. But going back and reading my posts I remember the little things that bothered me. Chemo wasn't that bad. Compared to most peoples treatments. But for those 5-6 days after- life was awful. You can read more about it here (link). I'm so glad it's over. And I have my hair back! Although out of the 3 pictures below I think I would rank the bald look 2nd out of the 3 hair styles!