Radiation Oncologist

Yesterday, George and I went to meet my radiation oncologist for the first time. He is a really nice doctor who spent a lot of time with us and answered all of our questions. Like why I need radiation. Basically, the chemo goes throughout your entire body and kills rapid growing cells which come in the form of cancer or hair cells or cells in your stomach. Radiation kills any left over cancer cells in the specific area where my cancer was. I will be getting radiation from my clavicle bone down my right side chest and under my arm pit where my lymph nodes were.

The part that is really going to suck is that I have to go every single day for 6.5 weeks. It will just feel like a waste of time because I only get radiation for about 5 minutes. So it will take longer for me to drive there, undress, get on the table, get off the table, get dressed and drive to work then the treatment actually takes. BUT if its going to keep me cancer free then I'm happy with it.

The other thing we found out yesterday is what stage my cancer is. Yes its been 6 months since my surgery and I never asked. To be honest, I never really wanted to know. I knew for sure I wasn't stage 1 and I always just assumed from what I read that I am stage 2A. But I am actually stage 3A. I was pretty shocked when my doctor told me. Stage 3 sounds so much scarier than stage 2. But once we left the office and I had a chance to really think about it, it doesn't really matter. I'm in the middle of this battle and whether I'm stage 1 or stage 3, I want to do everything I can to make sure that this stupid cancer go away forever. The scariest thing about this whole thing for me is that its been living in my body for maybe YEARS completely undetected. The other scary thing is that the tiny little lump spread and ended up in my lymph nodes. So now, even though its going to be a very annoying and long 6.5 weeks, I'm glad that I have this extra treatment to make sure every tiny little cancer cell is out of my body.

My radiation oncologist told me that the side effects I will feel from radiation will likely start about half way through. He told me that I would definitely feel fatigue and that I would probably have some skin problems where the radiation is. I'm hoping that I'm one of the lucky ones who gets zero or little skin irritation but I'll continue to expect the worst and hope for the best! I will probably start radiation in about 3 weeks. Next week I have a CT scan that they use to map out where exactly the radiation will go AND I will get my tiny little tattoos. Not quite the tattoo I thought I'd be getting but at least they're just little dots!

Today marks 3 weeks since my last chemo and I am SO happy that I did not have to have chemo today! I am feeling so great. AND I finally got to go get my nails done!! Wahoo!!

Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon. I can't believe its been 6 months since my surgery. Its hard to believe how much has changed since I saw this doctor last. Actually its hard to believe how much has changed since I saw this doctor for the first time! Its been 8 months since then.

I can't wait for June to be here and to be done with all treatments and to try to put this all behind me. I really, really, really hate cancer and I cannot wait for SOMEONE to find a cure SOON!

Chemo recap

I am SOOOOOOO happy that chemo is finally finished and I am feeling better. My doctor asked me if chemo was easier or harder than I thought it would be and I told her it was easier. It wasn't easy by any means but as I said in the beginning I hoped for the best and prepared for the worst. I was lucky that chemo wasn't too terrible for me. I think my worst symptoms were stomach related. My stomach had its signals backwards and my stomach would be empty but I would feel nauseous (because my stomach was empty) so I wouldn't want to eat but I would have to because that's the only way to get rid of the nauseous feeling. If that makes sense! I took my nausea meds around the clock for the first 3 days or so after chemo just so I wouldn't feel sick. 

The first 3 or so cycles I felt hungover on the Sunday after chemo. I think because it was the day after my steroids stopped. The 4th cycle I don't really remember because I was so sick besides chemo. The 5th and 6th cycle I had terrible insomnia after my steroid ended which is ironic because most people have insomnia as a side effect of the steroid.

The side effect of ending chemo that I didn't expect was sadness and fear. Its weird to say that you are sad about chemo ending. During chemo you can FEEL the medication fighting against your cancer and when it ends there's nothing fighting against your cancer anymore. Its kind of scary. And that's where the fear comes in. I don't get to just move on from this. I have to think about cancer for the rest of my life. Every pain, headache or weird feeling is going to scare me and that's what I hate the most.

I was calling March my month off but its turning out to be my month of appointments. Friday I chipped one of my teeth so I need to see this dentist this week (my least favorite doctor). This Friday I am scheduled to get my port out and I need to do blood week at the beginning of this week for that. Then next week I meet my radiation oncologist and at the end of the week I have my SIX MONTH follow up appointment with my breast surgeon (can you believe my surgery was 6 months ago?? I cannot!!). The last week of March I have my post-chemo appointment with my oncologist. By April I might be ready to just be doing radiation and not having to see doctors every week!

LAST CHEMO!!

Ugh I've had this post written since Thursday. Stupid chemo brain forgetting to post it! Thursday I had my 6th and final chemo! It started as usual with breakfast at the diner by my house. My mom came with me for my last treatment. After breakfast we went to my oncologists office for my treatment. I had my mom take a picture so I could have a first day and last day picture (ugh I miss my hair!!).

Of course my port was acting up on my last chemo. Apparently they need a blood return in order to do chemo and mine wasn't cooperating. They did my pre-meds and then tried again and still nothing. So I was given some other meds to get it working and thankfully it worked!

I finally got my chemo drugs going and I was on my way. You know you're ready to be done when you start making IV beeping noises to convince your nurse that your IV is beeping!

When it was all done I put in my college graduation cap and celebrated! I'm so happy to have chemo done!

Me and my biggest fan :) 

I'm so excited that chemo is finally over! I can get my port out in the next couple weeks and I can go get a mani/pedi in 3 weeks! Wahoo! My poor hands and feet need it! Plus hopefully it will be flip flop weather soon! Just in time! 

This round has been pretty much the same as the last round. Including the stupid insomnia. Not even NyQuil worked last night but I'm going to try again tonight! Hopefully in the next couple days I'll be back to "normal"!

The night before my final chemo

Tomorrow is my 6th and final chemo. I haven't really been that excited about it but I'm really excited today. I cannot wait for this to be over! I asked my doctor today why I can't just do 5 instead of 6. She just laughed and didn't answer.

When I told people that my last chemo is tomorrow they've been so excited and asked me if I was too. My answer has always been no. Its hard to explain. I don't want to do chemo anymore, obviously, but being in treatment feels like a security blanket. Like the cancer can't come back because I'm taking these medicines to keep it away. I know I still have radiation to go but chemo feels like its working. I don't now what radiation feels like yet but you know chemo is working because of how your body looks and feels while you go through it.

The other reason that I'm not excited for chemo to be over is because its one step closer to all treatment being over but I still have to live like I have cancer for the next 5 years. My life will never again be like it was on July 10th. Its been hard to keep reminding myself of that. And that's definitely the hardest part to get over. I still want to be pregnant and I want to pretend like this all never happened but I can't do either and that really sucks. Its been a rough couple weeks emotionally.

At my oncologist appointment today we talked about radiation and my doctor told me that I would be doing 6 weeks of radiation. I was really bummed because I thought I was going to do 4 weeks. I know 2 weeks doesn't seem like a lot but that's 10 more treatments. I can't imagine the fatigue I'll feel after 30 or so radiation treatments. By mid-May I'll probably feel like I could hibernate until September! I'm thinking about how work is going to fit into all of this but I think I need to see how I'll feel first before I make any decisions. I'm not thinking about taking 6 weeks off of work (although that sounds amazing) but maybe once a week or once every 2 weeks just to rest an extra day. I have to go to radiation 5 days a week and I've heard by Friday most people are just completely drained.  

But my chemo nurse saw me and reminded me to get an order to get my port out after chemo is over. She said I can go within 3 weeks of tomorrow. I'm SO excited. I can't wait to get this stupid port out!! And I still have to find out when I can resume the things I've been banned from this whole time...like mani/pedis. I could really use one!

I'm so ready for the next 5 or so days to be over so I can (HOPEFULLY) never have to do chemo again!!! WAHOO last chemo!!

5 down...1 to go!!

I wrote this post earlier this week then forgot to post...as usual. I'm going to blame chemo brain!!

Thursday (the 7th) I had my FIFTH chemo treatment. Just like my doctor said I am more angry/annoyed then happy. The nausea seemed to be a little less this time (or I controlled it better) but now I'm experiencing insomnia which is totally new. I know its a side effect of my steroid but my steroid is totally out of my system now. I'm not sure whats going on. My stomach is still confused but I'm learning how to deal with that much better. Maybe by next round I'll have it down!

I was so happy to have my friend Kelly come with me to my chemo treatment. I know its a boring 4 hours but its great to have friends/family there to entertain you! It was also bittersweet because my 2 chemo friends had their final treatment. But we exchanged information and have pending plans for a girls dinner/drinks after they have their surgery in March. I'm so excited. The oncologists office should be studied as a science experiment  Unlike other doctors offices people talk to each other in the waiting area and share really personal information. I guess because we're all there for the same reason. And sometimes, the people who you sit by at chemo become your friends.

I am totally excited that I only have ONE MORE CHEMO!! Before last round and this coming round every time I think about chemo I get a little nauseous. I think I just know that's how I'll feel so my stomach just prepares itself for it.

Between round 4 and 5 we through our beautiful daughter her third birthday party! It was so much fun! She goes to an awesome daycare and has made such great friends, some of those who have turned into our great friends. We had about 16 kids painting and making fruit loop necklaces. I also some how made this rainbow cake which I'm so proud of! I'm not sure I've ever really made a cake before. It was very easy. I found this link because I knew I wanted to use box cake instead of trying to make it myself. The best advice was to freeze each layer over night to make frosting easier.

We also watched Mackenzie's 2nd ballet recital. Thankfully she participated in this one! She is such a cute ballerina!

I can't wait for this next round to be finished. I'm so looking forward to March and having NO treatments at all. Then April will be filled with stupid daily radiation treatments and then hopefully finished!

Yesterday, I was feeling a little down and sad for myself (probably lack of sleep) and then I got a great package in the mail from Fighting Fancy. It is an amazing bag with make up, nail polish, mouthwash, a tshirt, note cards, lotion, shampoo, a Hallmark card from Heather who runs the charity and the cutest art work from a 10 year old. It had the most perfect timing.

Since I was diagnosed I have been trying to come up with a way to pay it forward when this is all done and it's starting to come together in my head. I know for sure it will involve a blood drive (so get your veins ready) but I also wanted a way to give back to the charities that gave to me. It will hopefully be in July (my diagnosis anniversary date). We know I love to throw a good party so you've been warned!

6 months

Yesterday marks 6 months since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Some days it feels like I've been battling this for years and other times it feels like days. The rawness of the diagnosis has worn off and I barely think about it anymore. I think mostly about chemo. It's like they're 2 separate things.

6 months ago when I got the call from my surgeon that I had cancer I wasn't that shocked. I knew from the second the nurse practitioner found the lump that it was cancer but its hard to hear those words nonetheless. I think the hardest part for me has been that this has thrown my whole life off of the course I planned ( I know the saying: If you want to make God laugh tell Him your plans). But there's a lot of disappointment when what you want and what you get aren't matching up.

I think that I'm mentally in a much better place than I was 6 months ago even though I'm physically not. My body doesn't look like it used to and I'll always have scars but that doesn't bother me. This part has been hard with side effects of chemo but I'm glad that I'm done with the anxiety anticipation left me with. The first almost 2 months after my diagnosis was filled with a lot of appointments but no real work. Now I've had surgery, had a port put in, started chemo and then I'll have radiation.

The last 6 weeks have left me drained in every state possible. I've been sick aside from chemo and that's been really hard. You can feel the toll that those drugs take on your body when you get an illness that should clear up in a week, not turn into pneumonia. But the weird thing is that I thank God for those drugs everyday. And that I'm being treated in 2012/13 and not years ago.

This is a weird journey to be on. Things are put into a perspective that I never would have seen otherwise. I always think or wish that I'd never been diagnosed but then I remember that the cancer would have still been there and I'd be much worse off the longer I waited to see the doctor. But I'm really lucky I went when I did.

May is going to be my new favorite month. Treatments will be over and I hope to hear those words everyone with cancer hopes to hear: you're in remission. But May doesn't mean this journey is over. I think that's when the work will really begin. Finding ways to keep myself in remission and help others who have joined this journey too. Plus maybe a little vacation for my husband and I. I need to see the ocean and some sunshine!

Yesterday, since I was still feeling run down, I went back to my oncologist for blood work and then was told I needed a transfusion. I was kind of relieved. I didn't want a blood transfusion but to not even be able to get out of bed to go to the bathroom without being winded gets old fast. So I was admitted to Alexandria Hospital last night and was released this morning. I'm all ready feeling a lot better. I just have a cold that I have to shake still (come on new blood!! fight this cold!) and then I'll feel 100%. I haven't felt 100% in about 6 weeks and I'm ready to be a normal person again. I've hardly left my house, except to go to the doctor or hospital, since Christmas Eve. I haven't even been to Target! That's crazy!

The Hospital

This has been a pretty awful couple of weeks. I don't even really remember having chemo 3 weeks ago or having side effects. I was so sick that I'm not even sure it affected me this time.

I've had a cough for more than 3 weeks now. When I went to the hospital on Christmas Eve with a fever, I got a couple days of antibiotics but that was it. And I just kept coughing and coughing. Nothing helped. I kept a note in my phone with what medicine I took, at what time. Then once I started taking Dayquil I added in my temperature because it has acetaminophen in it and I didn't want to mask a fever.

New Years Eve my parents watched Mackenzie and George and I went to dinner at Mikes American Grill. I put on make up and my wig even though I felt like crap but I wanted to ring in the New Year feeling good. Some how I managed to stay up until midnight but right after that I went to bed. And I didn't move a lot from it for the next couple days.

On January 5th, I woke up and I knew I had a fever. My temp was 100.7 and then 100.9. I called the on call doctor and he sent me back to the emergency room to check my blood levels. Of course it was the same doctor that sent me to the emergency room on Christmas Eve. To be honest, I was a little relieved to be going back to the ER. I needed some relief. It sucks to be sick for 3 weeks straight with no relief at all. George was working so I dropped Mackenzie off at her friends house and my mom met me at the ER. I was the only person in the waiting room and went to triage for vitals then back to a room. The doctor came in before the nurse did which was unusual. They did blood tests and another chest X-Ray. The nurse came in and told me that they were putting me on 3 different antibiotics. The doctor then came in and told me that I had pneumonia.

I had a feeling that morning that I had pneumonia. Its the only thing that made sense since I was so sick for so long and couldn't stop coughing. I was sad that I had to be admitted but I hoped that all the antibiotics would finally help. I got a room on the oncology floor which was great. The nurse told me that I had been upped to FIVE antibiotics.

George stayed with me Saturday night which was pretty uneventful. Not a lot of sleep happens in the hospital because you are constantly woken up to get more meds or give blood.

Sunday my doctor Intern Tim came in and told me that he was concerned because I still had high fevers and a high heart rate. Later the told me that he wanted me to have an EKG to check my heart because of my heart rate and a CT scan to see if I had a pulmonary embolism. Way to freak me out. Of course there is no rush on any of these tests. You would think if they think I have a blood clot in my lungs that they would want to get the test done STAT but it was about another 2 hours before I had it done.

My EKG looked amazing (per Intern Tim) and a doctor from my Primary doctors showed up to talk about how I felt and give me the results of the my CT scan. After we talked for awhile she went to get the results and came back and told us (George and my mom were there) that I did in fact have pneumonia and NOT a pulmonary embolism. I've never been happier! Since the ER I had been told I could have pneumonia, respiratory airway disease, I didn't have pneumonia, I had a virus, or a pulmonary embolism. So you can imagine my relief to be told that I definitely had something (and it wasn't a PE).

Honestly, I was getting really frustrated on Sunday. Every time they would take my vitals I would pray that my temperature would be normal and it wasn't. So I would get the chills, they would give me Tylenol and then I would get really gross sweats. Its impossible to sleep with the sweats. It was terrible.

Anyway, my doctor told me that I could have vital pneumonia which would be a reason why all 5 antibiotics weren't really helping my illness OR we just haven't given the medications enough time to work yet since it had only been a little bit over 24 hours since I was admitted. After my EKG I was hooked up to a heart monitor and I was on IV fluids 24 hours.

Monday was a bad day emotionally. I planned on having Mackenzie's birthday party on the 12th (Saturday) but I was starting to realize that it probably wasn't going to happen since I could barely walk down the hall without being exhausted. I kept telling the doctors that I had to leave by Thursday for Mackenzie's birthday. I just was getting really frustrated that all this was happening and I felt like for once I should get a break. I mean come on, breast cancer at 28, bilateral mastectomy, 6 rounds of chemo AND radiation isn't enough...now I have to be admitted to the hospital with pneumonia AND its the week of my daughters birthday?

So Monday I cried a lot. Especially after I talked to Mackenzie on the phone. I just missed being home so much and then to hear Mackenzie talk about how I was at the doctor and I didn't feel good just hurt. Maybe it was also the lack of sleep catching up to me. I haven't slept through the night since I first got sick over 3 weeks ago. Then, like I said, you can't sleep in the hospital. On top of being awoken every hour or so for blood or medicine or breathing treatments (seriously breathing treatments at 2 am...every 6 hours) on Monday night there was a lady who had lost her mental function a couple rooms down and was yelling. Luckily I couldn't hear her all night but every time my door was opened I could.

Tuesday I was SO happy when my doctor said I could go home! I couldn't get dressed fast enough. Ironically, the day I was released was the same day 3 years ago that I was admitted when my water broke at 33 weeks.

This past week has still been pretty tough. I have zero stamina but its getting better everyday. I went to my doctor for a follow up last Friday and had another chest X-ray and my doctor couldn't believe how great it looked! I am still worried that they are going to push back my chemo but I haven't heard from my oncologist yet so I'm hoping its still on.

My cough is getting less and less and I don't really cough while I'm sleeping which helps me sleep almost through the night. NyQuil helps that too. The first couple nights I was home from the hospital I felt like I was still there and woke up every time I moved because I forgot that I didn't have an IV anymore. Whenever I have an IV, even in my port, I hold that thing with a death grip because I'm terrified of it coming out.

So now I just feel like a have a cold. My nose is runny and I still feel a lot of fatigue but I'm getting better. I'm hoping that after chemo I'll be able to sleep a lot like I usually do after chemo. After last chemo I had a lot of nausea but I think it was Robitussin and not the chemo. Robitussin does not work for me. I finally had to get the nurse to talk my doctor into giving me some Tussinex (the good stuff with some codine in it so I could sleep).

I'm looking forward to chemo this week. After this chemo I'll only have 2 more left!! I'm excited for February to get here because I have my last 2 chemo's and then I'll be done!