Radiation

First I'll start with my physical therapy appointment before I get into all the goods about when I start radiation.

I was really happy with how it went today. I was afraid she was going to say that I for sure have lymphadema and there was nothing they could do...my mind always goes to the worst possible thing first of course. But the physical therapist said I most likely have cording (click for definition). After talking to her and seeing the definition I'm confident that is what it is. Sometimes I forget that my body has been through A LOT and that I shouldn't expect it to just do whatever I want it to do without odd sensations. I'm finally getting feeling back in my upper right arm and on the side where my surgery was which is great. The physical therapist told me that this is a "new normal" but about a year after surgery I should be back to my "old normal" which means how I felt before surgery. And although the mastectomy sounds like the most complicated surgery, the axillary lymph node dissection is actually more complex because they have to removed nodes but also move around nerves and lots of other insides and rearrange things.

So on to radiation. I got the call today right before lunch that they were ready to start my radiation. She asked if I could come in tomorrow night. I said night? She said yes around 745. Umm no thank you. First you're either assuming that I don't have plans or that I will cancel them for this. And I do and I won't! I was told that the first session is like an hour and its more like a mapping session with an x-ray and that radiation would start the next day...unless it was on Friday. Then it would start on Monday.

And of course before I talked to the lady I was adamant about having the earliest appointment and I wouldn't take no for an answer. But after talking to her I realized that 65 other people (her number not mine) need radiation everyday too. So for the first 2ish weeks I will be going 7 or 8pm and then I will work my way down the time scale. I'm also reconsidering going in the middle of the day. If I can't have the first couple appointments in the day then its not really helpful. Going at 845am would mean that I would have to use like 1.5 hours of leave EVERYDAY. We'll see. I don't have to figure out all 6 weeks of it yet.

I'm feeling a little nervous about radiation. More than I thought I would. Its just that there's so much unknown. Just like chemo, they can tell you what side effects you could have but they can't tell you what you will have. Except fatigue. Everyone is lucky enough to get that.

But I'm glad that I went to physical therapy when I did because I know that radiation can be so bad for your skin and it will set me back a little bit in terms of my range of motion in my arm. So now I have exercises to do everyday, even during radiation, to help keep my range of motion the same.

Oh and I read the article in Time that I mentioned in my last blog. It was so interesting. And hopeful. Stand Up To Cancer is funding some great clinical trials that are changing lives everyday. Obviously not every thing they find out about cancer is good news but if there is ANY good news that's comes from the research then its all worth it to me.

Happy Easter!

It finally hit me the weekend before last that I don't have chemo anymore!! I know I'm a little late but that was 3 weeks since chemo so that Thursday would have been chemo day. But it wasn't! Now its been 4+ weeks without chemo and I'm loving it!

I went to my oncologist last week and she told me to come back in 6 months! I think I'm recovering pretty good from chemo. I still have a little bit of foot/(c)ankle swelling but other than that I feel great. I told her I have a little pain in my arm so she told me to get checked for lymphadema. I should have called physical therapy weeks ago but I keep putting it off. It can't hurt to go to get tips to prevent lymphadema. So this Thursday I go to the physical therapist. The pain I was feeling at my oncologists office went away but my arm is still feeling sore.

We also talked about tamoxifen which is the drug I will be on for the next 5 years. She said I could start it that day but I kind of thought it would be a little much to be taking Tamoxifen AND doing radiation. I spoke with my radiation oncologist about it during my CT scan last week and he agreed with me. Obviously it made me feel better that he agreed with me but I think I would have waited anyway. It would be hard to deal with the side effects of the Tamoxifen AND radiation at the same time.

When my oncologist and I were talking about tamoxifen we also talked about how chemo and tamoxifen can put some women into early menopause and it will be hard to tell which one is responsible if it does happen. Then she told me I absolutely cannot get pregnant on tamoxifen because it is terrible for the baby. So I asked (again) how long I have to wait to get pregnant. She said we can talk about it in TWO years!! Wahoo!

Last week, as I mentioned above, I had a CT scan for radiation. They use it to map out exactly where the radiation is going to go. I also got my little tattoo's. So now I'm just waiting for them (my radiation oncologist and the physicists he works with) to map it and then they'll call me. Next I will do an x-ray and kind of a trial run and then I start radiation the next day. I'm kind of sad because in a way it feels like I'm done with all my treatments and now it feels like I have to restart it.

My hair is growing back slowly. It's looking very light so I'm scared its grey! But my mom reminded me that there's always hair dye if it is. But she thinks my hairs growing back like it first grew in when I was a baby. Light at first then progressively darker as I get older. My hair was strawberry blonde when I was little and was lighter in the summer. Ugh I miss my hair so much. I hope it grows faster than everyone else's. Ha!

We had a great Easter weekend with family and last week I went to Mackenzie's Easter egg hunt at her daycare. She was so cute. Last year she didn't really get the concept of picking up the eggs but this year she loved it!

I picked up Time Magazine today because of this cover. 

I'm interested to see what it says. I have a little bitterness in me that thinks someone out there knows the cure to cancer but its a better business to keep it secret. I mean if there was a cure to cancer who would get the $15,000 per cycle chemo money that my insurance just paid. There is encouraging news that comes out almost every week about new genes being discovered or as I mentioned before they are working on a vaccine for my type of breast cancer. I can't wait until someone figures this thing out. Because cancer really messes up a lot of peoples lives. And I hate it. 

My friend Beka is raising money as the Leukemia & Lymphoma Woman of the Year and posted this video today: video. This kind of stuff AMAZES and excites me so much! I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Also if you'd like to donate to Beka here is the link: donate here!

Radiation Oncologist

Yesterday, George and I went to meet my radiation oncologist for the first time. He is a really nice doctor who spent a lot of time with us and answered all of our questions. Like why I need radiation. Basically, the chemo goes throughout your entire body and kills rapid growing cells which come in the form of cancer or hair cells or cells in your stomach. Radiation kills any left over cancer cells in the specific area where my cancer was. I will be getting radiation from my clavicle bone down my right side chest and under my arm pit where my lymph nodes were.

The part that is really going to suck is that I have to go every single day for 6.5 weeks. It will just feel like a waste of time because I only get radiation for about 5 minutes. So it will take longer for me to drive there, undress, get on the table, get off the table, get dressed and drive to work then the treatment actually takes. BUT if its going to keep me cancer free then I'm happy with it.

The other thing we found out yesterday is what stage my cancer is. Yes its been 6 months since my surgery and I never asked. To be honest, I never really wanted to know. I knew for sure I wasn't stage 1 and I always just assumed from what I read that I am stage 2A. But I am actually stage 3A. I was pretty shocked when my doctor told me. Stage 3 sounds so much scarier than stage 2. But once we left the office and I had a chance to really think about it, it doesn't really matter. I'm in the middle of this battle and whether I'm stage 1 or stage 3, I want to do everything I can to make sure that this stupid cancer go away forever. The scariest thing about this whole thing for me is that its been living in my body for maybe YEARS completely undetected. The other scary thing is that the tiny little lump spread and ended up in my lymph nodes. So now, even though its going to be a very annoying and long 6.5 weeks, I'm glad that I have this extra treatment to make sure every tiny little cancer cell is out of my body.

My radiation oncologist told me that the side effects I will feel from radiation will likely start about half way through. He told me that I would definitely feel fatigue and that I would probably have some skin problems where the radiation is. I'm hoping that I'm one of the lucky ones who gets zero or little skin irritation but I'll continue to expect the worst and hope for the best! I will probably start radiation in about 3 weeks. Next week I have a CT scan that they use to map out where exactly the radiation will go AND I will get my tiny little tattoos. Not quite the tattoo I thought I'd be getting but at least they're just little dots!

Today marks 3 weeks since my last chemo and I am SO happy that I did not have to have chemo today! I am feeling so great. AND I finally got to go get my nails done!! Wahoo!!

Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment with my surgeon. I can't believe its been 6 months since my surgery. Its hard to believe how much has changed since I saw this doctor last. Actually its hard to believe how much has changed since I saw this doctor for the first time! Its been 8 months since then.

I can't wait for June to be here and to be done with all treatments and to try to put this all behind me. I really, really, really hate cancer and I cannot wait for SOMEONE to find a cure SOON!

Chemo recap

I am SOOOOOOO happy that chemo is finally finished and I am feeling better. My doctor asked me if chemo was easier or harder than I thought it would be and I told her it was easier. It wasn't easy by any means but as I said in the beginning I hoped for the best and prepared for the worst. I was lucky that chemo wasn't too terrible for me. I think my worst symptoms were stomach related. My stomach had its signals backwards and my stomach would be empty but I would feel nauseous (because my stomach was empty) so I wouldn't want to eat but I would have to because that's the only way to get rid of the nauseous feeling. If that makes sense! I took my nausea meds around the clock for the first 3 days or so after chemo just so I wouldn't feel sick. 

The first 3 or so cycles I felt hungover on the Sunday after chemo. I think because it was the day after my steroids stopped. The 4th cycle I don't really remember because I was so sick besides chemo. The 5th and 6th cycle I had terrible insomnia after my steroid ended which is ironic because most people have insomnia as a side effect of the steroid.

The side effect of ending chemo that I didn't expect was sadness and fear. Its weird to say that you are sad about chemo ending. During chemo you can FEEL the medication fighting against your cancer and when it ends there's nothing fighting against your cancer anymore. Its kind of scary. And that's where the fear comes in. I don't get to just move on from this. I have to think about cancer for the rest of my life. Every pain, headache or weird feeling is going to scare me and that's what I hate the most.

I was calling March my month off but its turning out to be my month of appointments. Friday I chipped one of my teeth so I need to see this dentist this week (my least favorite doctor). This Friday I am scheduled to get my port out and I need to do blood week at the beginning of this week for that. Then next week I meet my radiation oncologist and at the end of the week I have my SIX MONTH follow up appointment with my breast surgeon (can you believe my surgery was 6 months ago?? I cannot!!). The last week of March I have my post-chemo appointment with my oncologist. By April I might be ready to just be doing radiation and not having to see doctors every week!

LAST CHEMO!!

Ugh I've had this post written since Thursday. Stupid chemo brain forgetting to post it! Thursday I had my 6th and final chemo! It started as usual with breakfast at the diner by my house. My mom came with me for my last treatment. After breakfast we went to my oncologists office for my treatment. I had my mom take a picture so I could have a first day and last day picture (ugh I miss my hair!!).

Of course my port was acting up on my last chemo. Apparently they need a blood return in order to do chemo and mine wasn't cooperating. They did my pre-meds and then tried again and still nothing. So I was given some other meds to get it working and thankfully it worked!

I finally got my chemo drugs going and I was on my way. You know you're ready to be done when you start making IV beeping noises to convince your nurse that your IV is beeping!

When it was all done I put in my college graduation cap and celebrated! I'm so happy to have chemo done!

Me and my biggest fan :) 

I'm so excited that chemo is finally over! I can get my port out in the next couple weeks and I can go get a mani/pedi in 3 weeks! Wahoo! My poor hands and feet need it! Plus hopefully it will be flip flop weather soon! Just in time! 

This round has been pretty much the same as the last round. Including the stupid insomnia. Not even NyQuil worked last night but I'm going to try again tonight! Hopefully in the next couple days I'll be back to "normal"!

The night before my final chemo

Tomorrow is my 6th and final chemo. I haven't really been that excited about it but I'm really excited today. I cannot wait for this to be over! I asked my doctor today why I can't just do 5 instead of 6. She just laughed and didn't answer.

When I told people that my last chemo is tomorrow they've been so excited and asked me if I was too. My answer has always been no. Its hard to explain. I don't want to do chemo anymore, obviously, but being in treatment feels like a security blanket. Like the cancer can't come back because I'm taking these medicines to keep it away. I know I still have radiation to go but chemo feels like its working. I don't now what radiation feels like yet but you know chemo is working because of how your body looks and feels while you go through it.

The other reason that I'm not excited for chemo to be over is because its one step closer to all treatment being over but I still have to live like I have cancer for the next 5 years. My life will never again be like it was on July 10th. Its been hard to keep reminding myself of that. And that's definitely the hardest part to get over. I still want to be pregnant and I want to pretend like this all never happened but I can't do either and that really sucks. Its been a rough couple weeks emotionally.

At my oncologist appointment today we talked about radiation and my doctor told me that I would be doing 6 weeks of radiation. I was really bummed because I thought I was going to do 4 weeks. I know 2 weeks doesn't seem like a lot but that's 10 more treatments. I can't imagine the fatigue I'll feel after 30 or so radiation treatments. By mid-May I'll probably feel like I could hibernate until September! I'm thinking about how work is going to fit into all of this but I think I need to see how I'll feel first before I make any decisions. I'm not thinking about taking 6 weeks off of work (although that sounds amazing) but maybe once a week or once every 2 weeks just to rest an extra day. I have to go to radiation 5 days a week and I've heard by Friday most people are just completely drained.  

But my chemo nurse saw me and reminded me to get an order to get my port out after chemo is over. She said I can go within 3 weeks of tomorrow. I'm SO excited. I can't wait to get this stupid port out!! And I still have to find out when I can resume the things I've been banned from this whole time...like mani/pedis. I could really use one!

I'm so ready for the next 5 or so days to be over so I can (HOPEFULLY) never have to do chemo again!!! WAHOO last chemo!!

5 down...1 to go!!

I wrote this post earlier this week then forgot to post...as usual. I'm going to blame chemo brain!!

Thursday (the 7th) I had my FIFTH chemo treatment. Just like my doctor said I am more angry/annoyed then happy. The nausea seemed to be a little less this time (or I controlled it better) but now I'm experiencing insomnia which is totally new. I know its a side effect of my steroid but my steroid is totally out of my system now. I'm not sure whats going on. My stomach is still confused but I'm learning how to deal with that much better. Maybe by next round I'll have it down!

I was so happy to have my friend Kelly come with me to my chemo treatment. I know its a boring 4 hours but its great to have friends/family there to entertain you! It was also bittersweet because my 2 chemo friends had their final treatment. But we exchanged information and have pending plans for a girls dinner/drinks after they have their surgery in March. I'm so excited. The oncologists office should be studied as a science experiment  Unlike other doctors offices people talk to each other in the waiting area and share really personal information. I guess because we're all there for the same reason. And sometimes, the people who you sit by at chemo become your friends.

I am totally excited that I only have ONE MORE CHEMO!! Before last round and this coming round every time I think about chemo I get a little nauseous. I think I just know that's how I'll feel so my stomach just prepares itself for it.

Between round 4 and 5 we through our beautiful daughter her third birthday party! It was so much fun! She goes to an awesome daycare and has made such great friends, some of those who have turned into our great friends. We had about 16 kids painting and making fruit loop necklaces. I also some how made this rainbow cake which I'm so proud of! I'm not sure I've ever really made a cake before. It was very easy. I found this link because I knew I wanted to use box cake instead of trying to make it myself. The best advice was to freeze each layer over night to make frosting easier.

We also watched Mackenzie's 2nd ballet recital. Thankfully she participated in this one! She is such a cute ballerina!

I can't wait for this next round to be finished. I'm so looking forward to March and having NO treatments at all. Then April will be filled with stupid daily radiation treatments and then hopefully finished!

Yesterday, I was feeling a little down and sad for myself (probably lack of sleep) and then I got a great package in the mail from Fighting Fancy. It is an amazing bag with make up, nail polish, mouthwash, a tshirt, note cards, lotion, shampoo, a Hallmark card from Heather who runs the charity and the cutest art work from a 10 year old. It had the most perfect timing.

Since I was diagnosed I have been trying to come up with a way to pay it forward when this is all done and it's starting to come together in my head. I know for sure it will involve a blood drive (so get your veins ready) but I also wanted a way to give back to the charities that gave to me. It will hopefully be in July (my diagnosis anniversary date). We know I love to throw a good party so you've been warned!