Thursday, August 23, 2012

Good Grief

I've been a teary person this week. I'm not sure what it is. Its nothing specific. One of the stages I guess. But last night I couldn't keep the tears in my eyes anymore. Something about your 2 year old telling you she wants a brother and watching NY Med while your husband reads a book about having a wife with cancer really gets to you. Its none of their faults either. It just happens.

I've always been the type of person to put on a brave face and try to keep my emotions hidden. I'm not sure why that is. And sometimes I still do. I mean I have cancer, I'm allowed to cry about it. Today at work I was just so sad. I couldn't shake it. And I knew exactly what I needed. I needed to visit my Nana.


This probably seems extremely weird to some of you. Going to a cemetery to visit your grandmother makes you feel better? For me it does. I can sit there and tell her everything I'm feeling and just cry and cry. I do have weird cemetery behavior though. I like to sit in front of her side of the grave on the grass (sorry Major Charles Elmer Jr...I'm usually sitting on his feet...that sounds so weird!). Usually I see people standing up at graves but today I saw about 3 people sitting in tailgating chairs. I tried to take a picture of them because they were having a full on party. They brought balloons. The grave for the person they were visiting wasn't even there yet. I'm glad people can go there and be happy too. I also don't like other people around me. I like to go alone and I don't like other people to visit their relatives any where in the radius I'm in! So selfish!

Anyway, I like to go there because its SO quiet and peaceful. Even though they are doing major construction, all you hear is birds chirping and bugs flying by you. It seems like when I feel my saddest there the wind always starts to breeze and I can just feel her hugging me.

I heard this line in a song on the radio on my way back to work from the cemetery and I thought it so applied to me: "Smile on your face even though your heart is frowning" (Yes its Justin Bieber). Don't get me wrong. Mostly I have a smile on my face AND in my heart. But this sadness this week hit me like a ton of bricks. Honestly I think its just the emotional stress of having cancer finally coming out. I'm not in any physical pain or had to do any thing physical for it yet but the stress and emotions get to you every once in awhile.

The weirdest thing about it to me is that I didn't even have any cancer related things to do this week. I went a whole week without seeing a doctor! Next week will be jammed packed but it was nice to have a week off. Next week on Monday I booked myself a massage and then will have lunch with my mom and then get a mani/pedi. I CANNOT wait. I can feel knots in my shoulders! Tuesday we are going to meet with a fertility doctor. I'm mostly nervous about the financials for this one because insurance companies aren't so kind to us cancer patients in terms of fertility. Then Friday I have my pre-surgical physical and blood work done. Even though I have to work late next Friday and then Saturday, I'm looking forward to next weekend. George and I are going to hit the outlets! Just us! I know they will be ridiculously crowded when we go (Hello back to school shopping AND Labor Day weekend) BUT I love to go to the outlets and we can do a little beach shopping and post-surgery shopping for me (I see a lot of button up shirts in my future!).

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