Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Hope restored

Today was a much better day. I really love my surgeon and we had a great talk. I like that she clearly spells out all of my options and stands by the decisions that I make. I made another huge decision today. I decided to have a bilateral mastectomy. I'm not under the delusion that having a bilateral mastectomy will 100% guarantee that I will NEVER get breast cancer again. But it does give me a huge sense of hope for the future. For me the pros out way the cons by a million. I'm very young and I just want to look and feel normal. Although my genetic test came back negative as of August 1, 2012, in a year/2 years/5 years/10 years from now a new genetic test could show that I DO have a gene mutation and I would have to have a mastectomy then anyway.

I think the reason I was so upset about the oncologist appointment is because she didn’t understand my life and my feelings. I know I am going to be okay. I know that I will get through this and eventually life will move on. Telling me that I'm young and that I can have kids way in the future and all that made me realize I have to mourn the life that I was planning. I am truly blessed to have a great life now with a beautiful family to include my incredible little girl. And I don't think that I'm wrong to want more. Who doesn't want all of their hopes and dreams fulfilled in the timeline they picture? But for some reason, my timeline has been altered. Maybe I'll never know why or maybe it will be clearly spelled out for me one day.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference." I'm slowly learning that this journey is about acceptance. It’s not easy to accept the things that come towards me but if I make the decisions that I think are right for me and remain positive about my future then eventually everything will fall into place for me and my family. Sometimes I'm confused as to whether I'm truly accepting things OR if I'm in complete denial about what's going on. I'm constantly balancing in between the two and I think that's completely normal and a coping mechanism that my brain has developed to keep me sane.

Luckily I think I am done with doctors appointments for the week. I was going to meet with a fertility doctor tomorrow but I'm just not ready to do that yet. I have 6 weeks between surgery and when chemo/pills would start to complete anything fertility that I would need to do so I'm comfortable to let my brain wrap itself around the thought of going to a fertility doctor. I think all thats left is to get my surgery date (UGH WHEN IS THAT GOING TO GET SCHEDULED!!!!) and to have some more blood work done and then have surgery. I'm SO ready for that to be over with!!

2 comments:

  1. Kyle,
    I just want you to know that I admire your courage. Both my grandmother and my aunt had bilateral mastectomies and I'm proud to say that they've both been cancer-free ever since. I think it is such a brave decision and I'm rooting for you to kick that cancer's ugly ass! I can't possibly know what you're going through personally, but I totally understand the having a baby part, in particular on the timeline that you imagined. I've been struggling with infertility and I know that not having a baby when you planned (not even coupled with cancer) is extremely trying and emotional, so in that regard, know you're not alone. I just had my first fertility doctor appointment too and I never thought I would be there, though I don't think anyone does (btw, Dominion Fertility is great - I highly recommend Dr. Gordon). It was actually really nice to talk to someone and establish a plan, so the appointment wasn't as scary as I thought it would be :) Also, there are some amazing forums out there for women going through all kinds of fertility struggles (fertilityfriend.com is a good one, so is twoweekwait.com). I find it really comforting to talk to other women and to know that there are other people out there who are going through the same things.

    Just know that we're all out here rooting for you!!!

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  2. Kyle,

    I was given your blog info from your mom. I'm about 10 years older than you, but 2 years ago, I was diagnosed and had a bilateral mastectomy with DIEP reconstruction. I'm now through everything and doing great. I would love to chat with you about any questions you have or to just tell you my experience -it was tough, but doable, and now I'm on the other side!

    Please feel free to contact me, schmitz.cheryl@gmail.com

    cheryl

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