1 year after surgery

I'm having a hard time believing that it has been an entire year since I was in surgery. When I finally realized the date and looked at the time it was about 2:30 and I was thinking- wow 1 year ago they were just really getting started. And at this time I was just starting to wake up from anesthesia.

This anniversary has been even harder on me than my "cancerversary" because it sets up all the rest of the anniversaries I have to hit in the next couple months. Before surgery everyone was thinking I would have stage I cancer and maybe have to do chemo. After surgery it all turned out so much worse that I ever could have imagined. I remember the nurse in pre-op asking me if I took some meds before I got there to calm me down because I was so calm before surgery. I didn't but I knew I was calm because I just needed to get the cancer out of me.

I struggle every day still with why this is happening to me. I'm not sure if everyone goes through this when they get a life threatening disease or go through a life threatening experience but its one of the hardest parts of dealing with it. I have so much anger to deal with that I'm not sure will ever go away and I hate it. I am so angry about what happened to me but I also get so angry every time I hear about someone else my age, or younger, who has to go through this.

I don't have cancer anymore but I still have to deal with the after effects of it. Every single day. I have to see all the scars that I have. From my port, my drains, my mastectomy. I have to take a pill every single day before I go to bed. I've never regretted or second guessed myself for having a bilateral mastectomy. I think its one of the best decisions I've made in my life. But I hate that I ever had to consider it.

The next couple months are going to be filled with a lot of appointments. I have a 6 month check up next week, plastic surgeon check up in November/December and then surgery in January, surgeon yearly check up in March and radiation oncologist check up in May. Luckily, if you can believe it, those are spaced out! Cancer doctors talk a lot about patients which is a good thing!

It was really nice to be able to go on vacation and not have to think about having surgery! That made this years vacation much more relaxing! I'll blog about vacation in the next couple of days. And by Saturday we should have everything mailed out from the fundraiser! (I know the fundraiser was a month ago but I kept the online fundraiser going for a couple extra weeks and then had to wait for the check). I'm so excited to share the totals with you soon!

Happy September!

I can't tell you all how incredibly thankful I am to see exactly how much money we raised. I kept postponing taking the online website down because everytime I would put something on facebook about it I would get more donations. So I thought, if people want to keep donating I'll let them!! All in all we raised over $3,000 to split between the 2 charities! I'm excited to send the money when I get the check from GoFundMe.

We were cleaning tonight because we are going to the beach and have to have a clean house for our house watcher (Thanks Laurie!) and I found a couple things from the past year and I got so sick to my stomach. I found the information from when I had my port placed and just to see the picture of the port and how they used it. I can't believe I had that thing in my for so long! I found my surgery discharge paperwork. Its been almost an entire year since my surgery. I kept the surgery paperwork but definitely tossed the port stuff. Its so gross!

I CANNOT wait to go to the beach this year. I need it this year even more than I did last year. This year I don't have to go to the beach knowing I'll soon have to face my WORST fears in life. This year I get to go knowing that all that is behind me and I can truly enjoy myself and relax. I get to enjoy those 7 days knowing that I kicked cancers ass and I have a lot to show for it.

I still sometimes talk/think about what happened thinking that it happened to someone else. How did all that happen to me? Everyday I still wish it never happened. I could have lived my whole life not knowing what any of that felt like. I can't always put a happy spin on it either. But I am kind of enjoying my role as the "expert". I really enjoy people asking me about cancer and sharing my experience. I really feel I have a lot to share with people who are going through this awful experience.

Today is September 1st and I decided that today is the day I start tamoxifen. I'm a little nervous because I don't know exactly how this drug will effect me and this will be the next 5-10 years of my life. I was going to start July 1st and August 1st but obviously that didn't happen. I just felt like my body needed a break from all these treatments. But now I'm ready to start getting this last piece over with. Plus if its going to keep stupid cancer from trying to grow again then I'm all for it!

And also this is the hair I'm dealing with. I HATE it so much. Look at the stupid little pieces on the sides in the picture on the right. What is even happening there?? It's so much harder to manage than super long hair. I'm not sure if I should cut it or just let it continue growing. I don't know whats happening. I'm excited that its growing. I'm not really excited that its still so dark. But I guess hair is hair and if I continue to hate it I can always dye it. Although I love that its like baby hair and hasn't been touched by a product or heat yet.

The Fundraiser!!!

The fundraiser felt just like my wedding day. So much prep and it goes by in a whirlwind that I barely remember. I can see snippets of things that happened but I couldn't tell you the order of those snippets. But what I can say is that the fundraiser was AWESOME! We had raffle prizes, a bounce house and tons of food including a bake sale. So far (I say so far because there is still time to donate online {HERE}) we have raised over $2400 between the 2 charities and a little over $200 for Stand Up To Cancer. I was seriously hoping that we would raise like $500 to give to the 2 charities.

Setting up the night before

When I woke up yesterday it was a little overcast and when I was driving to pick up my friend Kelly to get breakfast before we finished setting up for the fundraiser it started to rain. And I just broke into a hysterical laugh. OF COURSE its raining! But, as I was reminded, its better that it was raining in the morning before the event than during the event. And luckily the sun came out soon after that. I don't know what we would have done for all the kids if they couldn't go on the bounce house!!

The more I think of different things that happened during the fundraiser the happier I get. It was just a fun and happy day. My chemo friend came and my make up class friend came and the founder of The III B's Foundation surprised me by coming! It was so amazing that she showed up!!

Yes I did wear a tiara that said SURVIVOR on it! 

I am really at a loss for words about the whole event. It was pretty overwhelming. I HATE HATE HATE that I even have to know about these 2 charities from my personal experience but I am SO grateful that they are there for support. And that everyone was there to support me. People that I haven't seen in years came. People I have never met came. And I appreciated every single person. Because not only did they get to learn about my story but they got to learn about these 2 charities and how they help people every. single. day.

Awesome balloon pink ribbon that Kelly made!!

I'm not sure if this is going to be an annual event yet or not but I'm leaning towards yes. We talked a little bit yesterday about making it in October so we could find more pink ribbon stuff but I like that it is in August (hopefully next year it will be in July). I want to change July 23rd from the worst day of my life to a day that is celebrated by doing something for other people. I feel like I have to use this evil thing against itself and hopefully no one else will have to go through this.

Info about charities and raffle prizes

I can't thank my friends and family enough for all their help bringing this even together! Countless hours planning, creating, shopping, putting ideas together and setting up Friday night. I can't even begin to put into words how much you all have meant to me the last 13 months. I know I've said it many times, but I have to say it again. I am was the luckiest cancer patient in the world.

I don't have cancer

Its kind of weird to think that I don't have cancer anymore. Not that I miss it. I don't. But I'm not totally used to being in remission yet. The only thing that kind of bothers me is my hair still. It looks like I just wanted to have short hair. I don't. I have never wanted short hair. My favorite thing about me was my long red hair. And now its short and brown. But I want people to know why its short. I went through a lot and I earned the little hair I have on my head. But I also don't want to have to wear a survivor badge everyday either. 

I'm getting anxious about this fundraiser!! I'm really excited too. Just thinking that I can give enough money so someone could have 1 Fighting Fancy bag and 1 IIIB's basket would be amazing. I can't wait to see how much money we raise for this! Again if you'd like to donate you can donate {HERE}. All the money raised will go to Fighting Fancy or The III B's Foundation. Mostly I'd love for you to try to make it. It should be a lot of fun and there will be some awesome raffle prizes for you to win! Not to mention good friends and food!!! 

After this fundraiser it will be about 4 weeks until we get to go to my HAPPY PLACE. This vacation cannot come soon enough!! I don't think I have ever deserved a vacation more in my entire life! Plus this year I won't have to come home and immediately go into a 7 hour surgery followed by all the rest of it. I can just go to the beach, relax and enjoy and come home to regular life. It will be amazing!! 

I still can't believe everything I was going through this time last year. I am so glad that I have blogged this experience because its easy to pretend that it wasn't as hard as it really was. If you asked me how I felt the days right after my diagnosis I would tell you that I probably felt fine. I'm not sure if that's true. I know I went right back to work but I don't really remember how I felt emotionally. Probably a little numb. And of course upset. Getting cancer is life changing news. But its been fun the last 11 days or so to live a "normal life". Work, friends, swim classes, the park, ect. 

George and I will be starting out third week of Shaun T's Focus T25. It's been going fair. Its really hard but its nice that there is a calendar to tell us what to do on each day and there is a facebook group so we are all accountable! That's been the best part. Having a group of friends all pushing each other to do this everyday, especially the days you really don't want to (like Friday....2 videos...abs AND legs...no fair!). I am excited to start seeing some awesome results and to get stronger and stronger!!

1 year

Today is the day. My cancerversary. I can't believe its been an entire year since I was told those awful words. Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I was sitting in my office when my doctor called around 2:30 or so. I wrote notes on a scrap piece of paper. I cried for just a minute and then I went home. I don't even remember crying anymore that day although I'm sure I did.

As you can see we didn't think I was a stage III at first hence no mention of chemo or radiation. 

Its been the hardest year of my life. There isn't a way to sugar coat it. Having cancer is HARD. In every sense of the word. Its hard on you emotionally and physically, its hard on your relationships, its hard on your bank account, its hard on your job.

But it has also been the most telling year too. I am a million times stronger than I even thought I could be. I have battled this killer from stage III to non-existence. I have lost body parts and hair. But I feel more confidant and feel like I know myself a lot better. I feel closer to my friends and family.

I was just looking through some pictures from my phone photo album called "cancer" and I saw a picture of one of my chemo drugs and just the sight of it makes me so nauseous. I still can't believe I made it through so much in such a short time frame.

I still cannot believe this is me and my life. I miss the old me so bad sometimes. I don't want to know all this medical stuff. Looking at those pictures made me have my first little break down today and I had to keep telling myself that its gone but the fear of recurrance won't ever go away. In some ways that's a good thing because it forces me to be a better version of myself. I don't have any more excuses now. We are on week 2 day 2 of T25 and still doing great. I am writing down all my food and trying to stay under my daily calorie goal and I'm TRYING to stop drinking sodas. I can't promise the last one though! 

Thanks again to everyone for supporting me for the last 365 days. It has been a journey. I know it's not over and that it has just begun but I really, really,really could not have done it without each of you. 

More fundraiser info!

We just opened an account at GoFundMe for people who would like to donate but cannot attend the actual event.

Click HERE for the link to the website. The even should be a lot of fun if you can attend!!

The "R" Word

I have been very eagerly awaiting my appointment today with my radiation oncologist. I was hoping to get the news that I have been so desperately waiting for.

He did an exam on me and asked me some questions. He seemed pretty happy with how I was doing. He shouldn't be surprised. He called me an Olympic athlete the first time I met him. 

When the appointment seemed to be over and he asked if I had any questions I said "so can we start using the "R" word.  And he said...

YES, YOU ARE IN REMISSION!!! 

It has been 359 days since I was diagnosed with cancer. 6 days from it being a year and I am SO happy right now that this part of the journey is over! I know that I am forever going to live with cancer and that it will always be a part of my life but in between the doctors visits (which will be often), I can try to live a "normal" life.

In fact, I don't have another doctors appointment until September. And my radiation oncologist said I could come back in April/ May of next year!

My husband and I are going to spend the rest of the day celebrating and getting some things ready for the fundraiser. I'm more excited about the fundraiser than ever because I can officially say that I am in remission and we can really celebrate.

I am still so humbled to have been so supported by so many during the last 359 days. Its meant everything to me to get countless cards, presents and dinners for me and my family. We cannot thank you all enough!!