Half way done!

It's been a way busy month. I'm guessing that's why I ended up in the emergency room at 930pm on Christmas Eve. I woke up and had a temperature of 99.0, then I took my temperature around 3 or so at work and it was 100.2 (I have to call the doctor when my temperature gets to 100.5). I came home from work around 5:30 and took a nap. When I woke up I could feel my skin burning. I took my temperature again at 8:30 and it was 101.6. I was so upset when the doctor said I had to go to the ER. I didn't know if I'd be there for hours or days. It all depended on how my blood work looked. So my mom came and picked me up and off we went. Luckily they were able to use my port for blood draws and as my iv. They gave me Tylenol, ran my labs and I had a chest x-ray. Then I was discharged around 11:50. I was SO happy to be home for Christmas. I would have hated to miss Mackenzie and George opening their presents without me...which was the instructions I left for him when I left.

Backtracking a little bit...Mackenzie celebrated Christmas at daycare the week before Christmas. She got up when her name was called and walked right up to Santa, got her present and posed for a picture. I could not believe it. The last 2 years shes been scared to death of him. I think this year she really got that Santa is a person that brings gifts. What could be better?

I was a little concerned that I had a terrible hairline but then I realized that those are just bald spots. The top of my head is almost completely bald but I still have most of my shaved hair in the back still which doesn't make much sense to me. Its still pretty itchy so I'm ready for it to all fall out, and then grow back! 

I'm still loving my wig. I feel like a spy still. I also forget that my hair isn't red. And I still hate when people think its just dyed and colored. I usually tell them its not my hair if they know I have cancer, but if they don't I just say thank you if them compliment it. Its been pretty hard because I feel like I'm lying but I know not everyone really needs to know whats going on. If they think its my real hair than my wig is doing a great job!

I went to try on hats at Target and thought this hat was so cute until I realized that it had holes in it which would defeat the purpose of me wearing a hat! It was really cute though!

I finally received my free scarf from Good Wishes. They are a non-profit that sends you an scarf on their website that you want for free. Included with the scarf is a hand written note from each staff member. I thought that was so awesome because they really personalized it to you.

Besides my trip to the hospital on Christmas Eve, my Christmas was amazing. A lot of family time, great presents and delicious food. Watching Mackenzie open her presents and really believe in Santa is so fun. She is a great age for this season. I'm not sure she'll let use put the Christmas tree away but we'll try! 

I had my third out of six chemo treatments today. It went fine. My mom came with me. It seemed longer than my other treatments but I don't think it really was. They were really busy so my meds weren't always started the second the previous med was finished and beeped and that's fine. I don't have anything else to do on chemo Thursdays! I got a chance to talk to my chemo friends there. Its great to have them to ask questions or to answer questions. We all have had different paths and treatments so far. One has a similar treatment path as me and one is doing surgery after chemo. They are both 1 treatment ahead of me so they'll finish on my 5th treatment. It will be sad not to finish the same time as them but its been great to have them there. 

So far I've felt okay. My mom and I went to breakfast before then to lunch after. I came home and took my anti-nausea meds as well as Dayquil. Tonight I'll take more anti-nausea, Robitussin, my steroid, Claritin and my antibiotic. Thank God I have a pill organizer to keep my chemo brain straight. I'm not sure how having a cold is going to mix with chemo but as long as I have meds to counter act my side effects I should be fine. 

I'm so happy to be half way done!! 

Round 2 recap

Chemo was Thursday and I've been holding up pretty good. I didn't lose my taste this time (yet) which was a bonus but I did have a few more stomach problems this time. But like last time it really wasn't as bad as I was expecting. The hardest part for me is that I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel fine so I sit around waiting for a terrible side effect to come. You never know if it will or not and its annoying. I wish like most prescriptions, you got the side effects you got, instead of wondering what this time will bring.

My main side effect this round came from my Neulasta shot that I get on Friday. I feel fine until my steroids wear off late Saturday into Sunday and then I'm in some pain. Its not unbearable. I only took Tylenol once yesterday but that was mostly stupidity on my part. I'm not sure why I'm SO against taking medication for my side effects but I'm trying to get over that. I slept horribly last night from the pain and just my stomach feeling uneasy. So I took Tylenol and my anti-nausea medication and then I worried that you aren't supposed to take them together!

The pain from the Neulasta is also more like an achy/ stiffness pain and not like sharp pain. Luckily with this medicine you know what your side effect is the first time. The pain seemed worse this round but I don't know if that's just because I recognized it sooner than I did the first round. Last round I thought I was just sore from lack of movement. I also took more anti-nausea medication this time. I took it at any hint of stomach discomfort just in case. Maybe by round 3 I'll get all my side effect medication down!

I think I'm recovering a little quicker from this round too. But I say that with an abundance of caution because I know that the effects of chemo are cumulative and I could have more side effects tomorrow. The joy of chemo is always the unknown! But I'm hoping that what my doctor said is true: the first few days are the hardest and then the days get easier and easier.

Wednesday/Thursday before chemo I felt like I've never had chemo before which is a great feeling. My treatments are perfectly timed for my life and my next round is 2 days after Christmas which is great. I'm glad that I should be feeling almost 100%. Plus the next couple of weeks are going to be so busy and I want to make Christmas as magical for Mackenzie as possible. She deserves to have Christmas be what every 2 year old thinks it is. So if that means I'm a little more tired than usual, so be it. Especially this year, we have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm still getting used to not having hair. I have phantom hair syndrome. I still reach for it to pick at split ends when I'm bored and I went to put it up tonight before I took a shower. I had to ask George how to wash your head when you don't have any hair. I'm glad I bought 2 in 1 shampoo after my mastectomy because I would feel so odd conditioning my bald head! Maybe I'm supposed to!

2 down

Wahoo! Only 4 more to go! My friend Beka was here from California and offered to come to treatment with me which was great! We had so much fun and laughed a ton. And laughter is the best medicine! We started out our day having a giant breakfast at the diner by my house then headed to chemo. It seemed like the pre-chemo drugs took a long time today or like we got to a slow start. But we were only there for about 3.5 hours which was faster than last time.

Funny story from chemo: as we were leaving I stopped by the front desk to see if I needed to do anything else and they said no. I turned around to leave and I heard one of them say "I love your hair" and I started to turn back around to say thank you" when I heard Beka say thank you and realized that I have no hair! Oops!

I also had to get a shot of Lupron which is supposed to "quiet" my ovaries during chemo. The shot is once a month just while I have chemo. It's pretty newly approved for this use but my fertility doctor said they've seen amazing results in other countries and the US is finally catching up. I thought Lupron was going to be like a daily pill and I don't know why I was so shocked when my nurse practitioner told me that it was a shot. Everything about fertility comes in shot form. But at least they do it and I don't have to have George give me anymore shots!

I took my anti-nausea just a couple hours after my treatment this time. I have a hard time trying to figure out if I'm really nauseous or I need to eat. But once you feel nauseous the last thing you want to do is eat. So I think for the next couple days I'm going to eat little meals/snacks all day and see how that makes me feel. I started using My Fitness Pal again mostly to track my eating after chemo but also so I don't keep eating like crap. I can't use the "I have cancer so I eat what I want" excuse forever. It will help me also see what foods I did well with and what foods to maybe avoid next treatment.

I just want to thank everyone for your continued support. The Meal Train website says dates usually fill up quick and they were right. There are only 2 days left at the end. I asked George last night if we could just keep the calendar going and see how long we could get delicious meals even when treatment is over! It's just so thoughtful and it's SO helpful! I can't imagine anyone having to go through this without as much support as I constantly feel. Texts, calls, emails are always welcome, especially when they aren't cancer related!

Today I've been feeling pretty good. I had my Neulasta shot which was less painful than last time. Michele and her husband Stuart brought us our dinner(s) and we visited for awhile then I went back to what I now call my "chemo coma". I woke up when George brought Mackenzie home. Sleeping feels so great! I ate lunch and dinner just fine but I think I'm starting to lose my taste which I was expecting. I bought children's mouthwash because mouthwash for adults was way too hard on my mouth last time. My tongue would burn when I would use it.

I saw my 2 chemo friends yesterday and they both said they did pretty good after their 2nd treatment (they are 1 ahead of me) so that was good to hear. One of them had a hard time after the first round and the other one had a pretty easy round. We'll see what they say about their round 3 next time!

The night before chemo (round 2)

Tomorrow is my second round of chemo. I'm a little more anxious for the second round because I don't know if my side effects are going to be the same or worse. My nurse practitioner told me today that I was a "chemo rock star" and that if your first round goes well usually the second round goes well too. Like I did last round, I'm going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

I know this time that my mouth is going to be sore and have some problems, including the loss of taste. But this time I'm going to try to eat/drink more cold things. I avoided them last time because the nurse told me if I can't taste then room temperature food would probably be best. And I am going to limit/avoid dairy because I think it made me feel really sick.

I'm hoping that I just have the same queasiness that I had last time and nothing worse. I hate the feeling of an uneasy stomach and I definitely hate throwing up. The fatigue was hard but I love to sleep so that's probably the best side effect.

Sunday I went with my mom out to lunch then to the wig store. I wore only my hat. We ended up getting the wig I tried on a couple weeks/months ago. I like it so much better than the first wig I got. This is the new wig. I love it!

This is what I looked like before the wig.

I'm loving the bald look. I thought I might love it but I wasn't sure if I was just trying to psych myself out. Its so easy! The first thing I do when I get home is take the wig off and let my head air out. It feels amazing! Mackenzie's getting used to my new look. I ask her if she wants to touch my hair and she says "you don't have hair!". I'm glad she is taking it so well. I think if I had a desk job where I only saw coworkers all day I would just wear a hat to work. But I'm getting used to the wig thing.

Sunday when I got home we decorated the house for Christmas. This month is going to fly by and I just didn't think there would be another good weekend to do it. Mackenzie is SO excited for Christmas this year! She loves to see the lights on peoples houses and we talk about Santa a lot and ask her what she wants this year (2 Cinderella's). I'm excited to see if she will actually go to see Santa this year or if she will still be too nervous to sit on his lap.

Goodbye hair

This week was emotionally hard for me. I spent a lot a time in front of the mirror crying. I just kept thinking ___ more days with my hair. I was seeing my hair as my entire identity. It wasn't until today when I was looking in the mirror, tearing up and I told myself  "you are not your hair". It sounds so stupid. But like I said before I've always identified myself as the red head. And right now I'm not that girl. But I know I'm still the same Kyle on the inside, with or without any hair.

Today, my friend Christy came over and she took some family pictures of us. Then we all loaded up into the car and drove to Zoe Salon in Fair Oaks Mall. Brandon led us back to the spa area and into a massage room where my hair cut would happen. I wasn't really sure how it was going to go but I told him that I wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love and I was happy that they send your hair off because some salons don't do it for you. He put my hair into 2 pigtails and cut them off. Just like that. I felt like Rapunzel at the end of Tangled (can you tell all we watch is Princess movies!). After that he just started shaving. No count down, no nothing. Just started buzzing away. I think it was good that there were no mirrors in the room. I think it went easier because I couldn't see myself the whole time.

So in front of my parents, George, Mackenzie, Kelly and Christy I shaved my head. It went faster and easier than I thought. After he shaved it, Brandon washed my head and then cut my bangs on my wig. I'm still not used to wearing the wig. I feel like people know I'm wearing a wig. I'm sure they don't but since I can feel it, I think people can see it. It will take awhile to get used to I'm sure. But I actually think I look pretty decent bald.

In the end, I'm really happy that I did this. 2 days ago I couldn't imagine how I was ever going to get through this but its been hard to watch my hair fall out. I was starting to dread having to brush it in the morning because I knew I'd lose a lot. The back of my head was starting to hurt because my head was so tender. I was pulling out so much hair any time I would touch my hair and it was just falling out on its own and was all over everything. I still have a ton all over all of my clothes.

So here it is, my in my wig and me au natural.

I'm not 100% sure about the wig but my mom and I are going tomorrow to look at some more. We'll see. 

This picture shows my natural part. I'm not sure if you can see it. Its a perfect center part. So funny! 

So that's it. No tears, no fuss. I did it and its over. I'm so ready for the end of February to be here so it can start growing back but for now its not as bad as I thought. My poor head is just freezing! 

Clumps of hair

Today is the day that I've been dreading. My hair officially started to fall out. Since I have an abundance of hair, I'm used to my hair shedding all the time; in the shower, when I brush it, all day, everyday. But this is so different. Clumps of hair. And strands of hair just fall out with the slightest touch. It sucks a lot.

This morning as I brushed my hair and noticed the huge clump that came out I just broke into sobs. I don't want to lose my hair. And its not really even about hair its about so much more than that. Right now I just look like a normal person. But once my hair is gone I'm going to look sick. To strangers. Everyone's going to know that I am fighting cancer. Everyday when I get dressed I'm going to be reminded that I have cancer. I spend a lot of my time trying to forget that.

During my breakdown this morning I kind of wanted to shave all my hair off Britney Spears style. Just to get it over with. It feels like the build up before surgery when I just worked myself up so much about it and it ended up being perfectly fine. I'm hoping that like the day of surgery, on Saturday I'll be more at peace and relaxed. It SUCKS. All of this just sucks BUT I have to still remember that my hair will grow back (and if its anything like my hair now, I'll have a full head of hair a month after chemo ends!) and that losing my hair means that the chemo is doing what I need it to do. Luckily for future generations of breast cancer fighters they are working on chemo that just kills your cancer cells and not ALL of your rapid growing cells. That would be amazing!

I saw this story on Monday and I was SO incredibly touched. Colts cheerleader Megan bet Colts fans that if they raised $10,000 for Leukemia research she would shave her head in honor of the Colts coach Chuck Pagano. Not only did fans raise $10,000, they exceeded their goal and raised $22,000!! So Megan held up her end of the bargain  in front of EVERYONE at the game on Sunday. And not only did Megan do it, but Crystal decided at the last minute to do it too! See pictures here! I felt like this story happened this past weekend just for me. These women were so brave to do this when they didn't HAVE to. (But again...please don't do this for me!).

I'm still on the fence about the whole wig situation. I love the one I picked out at the American Cancer Society but I just feel like I'm not fooling anyone. I think that the wig is more for me to feel like a real person again but I'm not sure I see it that way yet. Of course I might look at my big bald head on Saturday and never take the wig off (except in the kitchen- they're highly flammable!) or I might love the bald me. We'll see on Saturday. I am pretty interested to know what I look like bald although I never thought I would find out.

I've been prepping Mackenzie about how mommy is going to shave her head "like daddy's" and she has been saying that she wants to shave her head like daddy too. She JUST got some hair so I definitely cannot let her do it! But I think its cute. I'm still so worried about what her reaction is going to be. But I think I'm not going to let her see me until I get myself together and can put a smile on my face about it. I'm hoping that if I seem like I like it then she will like it too. I've also heard the suggestion of letting her color on it a little bit to lighten the mood.

And I'm going to miss our nightly hair brushing sessions. Mackenzie is such a caring little girl and I know that I am going to miss that so much. I'm hopeful that she will be as excited as I am when my hair starts to grow back. Right now it just makes me so sad every time she touches my hair because I know that those mother/daughter moments are ending. Well just the hair part of those moments. I know that we will continue to bond in other ways but I sure will miss that. I'll have to find other things for her to do...maybe put lotion on my poor bald head! Or rub it for good luck.

But to end on a happy note I am looking forward to a few things. Getting ready in the morning will be so much easier without having to straighten my hair. Showers will be quicker. I won't have to worry about drying my hair. And I won't have hair every where from my daily shedding. But only for a couple months. I can't wait for my hair to grow back all ready!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Good food and family...what more could you need!

I'm thankful for a lot this year. I'm so thankful that I was diagnosed when I was. Even though I don't want to have cancer. I'm so lucky that I found out that I have it when I did. Not knowing about it wouldn't mean it wasn't there and that's what I have to keep telling myself.

Thanksgiving day we woke up and I made cinnamon buns and we watched the Thanksgiving Day Parade. Mackenzie wore her Cinderella dress and danced to the music for 3 hours.

After the parade, we went to my parents house. We played and played until dinner was almost ready and then Mackenzie just couldn't stay awake anymore. She slept through Thanksgiving dinner, just like she did 2 years ago at her first Thanksgiving! But the rest of us ate and enjoyed it. It was delicious!

Friday, my brother and I went to Gravely Point and Arlington National Cemetery. Our grandparents are buried there but I have never been there to sight see. I always just go to see them. We walked to where the Kennedy's are buried and to the Lee House. Then we walked to the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. We waited almost 45 minutes to watch the changing of the guard. It was a cool ceremony to see.

View from Lee House

Changing of the guards

I love this time of year so much. I really can't wait to decorate for Christmas. I all ready started on my ornament wreath that's been going around Pinterest! And I'm excited that Mackenzie gets holidays more and more. She knows that Christmas is Jesus' birthday AND that Santa brings presents. She picked out Princess wrapping paper and wanted to open it and I had to tell her that Santa only accepts wrapping paper that is brand new. So far that's worked!

Next weekend is my head shaving party and I'm still not ready for it. I know either I shave my head or my hair falls out. I'd rather feel like its under my control, even if its not. I bought a new hat today and I've received 2 free hats. Luckily its winter so hats are totally appropriate AND I don't have to worry about my head getting a sun burn all the time! I think that hardest part of losing your hair is that you start to look sick. Right now strangers have no idea that I have cancer. Next weekend it will be obvious. Not when I'm wearing a wig but I don't really plan on wearing it that often. But luckily starting March 1 my hair will start to grow back. I'm hoping it will be the same color and just as thick. Regardless of the color it will be SO healthy! I'm going to miss picking all my split ends!

5 days later

It's been 5 days since my first chemo. I was too afraid to post anything because I'm really superstitious and I didn't want my symptoms to get worse. I always hope for the best and prepare for the worst and I think I did pretty good this round considering.

I took my anti-nausea medicine almost immediately after my last post and took it every night for the first 3 nights as a safety net. My stomach has felt pretty uneasy since Thursday but today after lunch it finally feels better. I diagnosed myself with chemo induced lactose intolerance. I didn't eat any dairy today and felt much better. I'm not sure if its because its 5 days later or I didn't eat dairy. I'll have to ask my doctor (or maybe I'll eat ice cream later to test it!).

My worst symptoms this round were exhaustion, having no taste and the stomach uneasiness. I could have slept 24 hours a day but for some reason I would force myself to stay up for most of the day. It caught up to me yesterday after I stayed up all day on Sunday. My doctor told me to underdo my normal activities and while I did, I should have actually slept a little more. I wasn't eating a lot on Friday-Sunday because I couldn't taste anything and I felt like it was kind of a waste of food. I also found out that my stomach is mixing up its signals and I wouldn't realize I was hungry until I was starving, which would make me more nauseous and then I would eat too much because I was so hungry would would also make my stomach hurt. Maybe that's why my stomach hurt so bad yesterday!

My Neulasta shot wasn't too bad. It stings A LOT going in but after I didn't have too much pain. They nurses tell you to take Claritin the night before and then the 3 nights after. I only had mild leg discomfort, more like restless leg feeling than actually pain. I've heard pretty terrible things about that shot and I have also heard that however you react the first time is how you'll react each time. I hope that's the case for me!

Emotionally I'm doing decent I think. I went through a little pity party on Sunday and laid in my bed in the dark by myself while my husband and child played downstairs. I just am not 100% ready to lose my hair and I just kind of realized that there's no turning back now. The chemo is in. A lot of times I think about how much I want to go back to July when all I had to worry about was when to get pregnant to have the baby in whichever month I wanted. But then I realized that even if I went back to July, I would still have cancer. And even if I never went to the doctor, the cancer would be there. Which would be worse because I wouldn't know about it. No one wants to go through this and especially not in their 20's. But I have to keep remembering that there is life after this. And I have to especially remember that there is a life during this that still has to be lived to its fullest every day.

So after I ended my pity party, I went downstairs and I danced to princess movies with my beautiful daughter. Because that's how I want my life to be lived. And I want to show her that although sometimes laugh is REALLY REALLY hard and it seems unfair, you have to remember that each moment can be full of happiness.

Chemo round 1

Today I got my first round of chemo. It's so weird how non nonchalant everything is. They paired me with a nice lady who was here for her 2nd round of the same chemo. It was nice to sit and be able to chat with her about how she felt from her first round until now and she is doing great. She hardly had any side effects.

Too much stuff? And no that's not tequila in the brown bag!

When I got there and checked in I went to the infusion center. My nurse gave me a tour of the center. The bathrooms (only for patients...not even the staff can use them!), the kitchen (they have a fridge filled with water, soda, juice) and they have a water machine for hot and cold water and hot chocolate and a Keurig for coffee. It all says patients only but they were allowing family/friends to use it too so maybe it depends on how busy it is. I packed a giant bag full of food- sandwiches, pretzels, popcorn, applesauce, skittles for me, chocolate covered pretzels for George, a drink for him. We were definitely over prepared which is good. I commented to the nurse about how big my bag was and she told me that it was pretty small compared to some other people which made me feel great!

Then it was finally time to get started. First the nurse accessed my port which just felt like a little needle stick (I have lidocaine to put on it before I go) and then I got my pre-chemo drugs- anti-nausea and steroids.

Hi port! 

After those were done I felt a little sleepy but then I started the first chemo drug which is bright red. The nurse has to push that through the iv and that took about 10-15 minutes.

Then she hooked up my next chemo drug and that one dripped for about an hour or so. It had to be covered by a green bag because its sensitive to light. So weird. The third drug can cause allergic reactions and my nurse sat with me when that started and talked to me about all my prescriptions to see if I had any reactions to it (I did not!).

It was surprisingly relaxing. We were home around 2:15 so from start to finish it took about 3.5 hours which was 2.5 hours less than they told me it would take. I probably could have slept the whole time but I wanted to see what was going on so I could ask questions and also I have to confirm my name and date of birth before each drug was started.

Tomorrow I have to go back for my shot of Neulasta. Neulasta is a medication that helps increase blood cells and immunity. Its supposed to hurt in your bones which sounds scary. So tonight I'll take my steroid for chemo and then claritin for the Neulasta. The claritin is supposed to block something in Neulasta so it doesn't hurt as much. It works for some people but not everyone. I also have vicodin if it doesn't work!

Right now I'm feeling a little nauseous. I'm not sure if its a side effect of chemo or I just don't really have much in my stomach. I ate dinner and a snack. I'm hesitant to take the medication and I don't know why. I hate taking any type of medication but I don't want to feel sick if I don't have to. So I'll probably add it to my bed time medication list.

The meal train site is going great so far! Thanks everyone who have signed up so far! We have about 8 dates filled so far! Let me know if you want the link and I'll send it to you!

Only FIVE more rounds of chemo to go!!! 

One good egg

Tuesday I went for my egg retrieval. The process of it went very well but the retrieval itself was poor. Some how after 8 days of injections (most days the injections were twice a day) they only could get one egg. I'll spare you all the details of what I think happened because I know my body so well but I'm looking forward to talking to the doctor tomorrow when he calls. I immediately burst into hysterics when the doctor told me he only got one egg after the procedure but now I'm more angry than anything else. Right now I'm feeling like I want to find a surrogate immediately and see what happens. I don't want to hold on to it for 5 years to see if we can make a baby with it.

This whole fertility thing is looking more and more like a scam everyday. I know it helps so many people but it's like a factory. People came from the Eastern Shore and Ocean City when I was there Tuesday. I thought my drive to Rockville was far but the Eastern Shore couple left at 3 am! I guess I'm just feeling bitter. I need the doctor how this could go SO wrong for someone who doesn't have a fertility problem. It just costs SO much (even with my cancer discount) and that was my only shot. I don't have another month to try again. Can you imagine if they didn't get any?

Chemo starts tomorrow. I bought sandwich stuff to bring sandwiches tomorrow for lunch plus all my special chemo things like sensodyne toothpaste and biotene mouthwash and unscented lotion and more hand sanitizer. I have my blanket that Michele's mom hand made for me packed and I'm bringing my iPad and I'm sure George will bring his kindle. We'll pack our lunch and some snacks since I'll be there for about 6 hours starting at 10:15. They have a fridge full of drinks for chemo patients so I think we'll be all set. Maybe I'll even get a nap in!

I'm not really nervous about tomorrows appointment but I'm a little anxious about how I'll feel the days after. I'm a little nervous about using my port. They gave me a numbing lotion to put on it before I go but the port still is so gross to me. It actually feels better since my mom nicely pulled the steri-strips off for me on Monday (thanks Mom!). But the thought of walking around with an iv coming out of my chest is gross!

I don't usually ask for any help but I set up an account with Meal Train which is a website that friends can sign up for days to bring us meals. If you have time and can bring us something we would really appreciate it. I added dates that I know I'll chemo and the 2 days after. I don't know how I'll feel or if I'll want to eat but I know George and Mackenzie still need to eat! Let me knowing you're interested and I'll forward you the link. It has my address attached so I don't want to give it out on here (not that I think I'll have crazy cancer stackers but still!). 

29

This weekend I celebrated my 29th birthday. And by weekend I mean since November 1 and until November 30th! On Saturday my mom and I went to Charles Town, WV to do a little gambling! I actually won $150! It was so exciting! We also watched the horse race and I bet on 3 different horses; the 2 I bet to win had odds of like 50-1 which would have paid awesome if they won! I made a safe bet too and he came in 2nd so I won $1.50 on my $5 bet.

My friend Michele and her husband met us there and I also ran into my friend from high school and college Kerrianne! It was great to see them. It was such a relaxing night and I slept in until about 8 which is a nice change!

On our way home Sunday we stopped at the Leesburg Outlets and picked up a couple things then I headed home to see George and Mackenzie. Sunday night we had a great family dinner and then today since its Veteran's Day and we have the day off we slept in a little too. I had to get up to go to the plastic surgeon at 9. I'm getting to where I want to be finally. I think maybe 1 or 2 more expansions should be it.

Tomorrow is my egg retrieval finally. I'm so ready for that process to be over with. My poor left arm is so tired of daily blood draws I think all the blood migrated from my left arm to other parts of my body. One day I was stuck 4 times trying to get blood. We have to be in Rockville at 7 am. Its not going to be a fun morning but I'm looking forward to not having to think about eggs for awhile. Unless its the kind I can have for breakfast. All these injections have made me so exhausted. It feels like when you are first pregnant and you can't keep your eyes open. After all these shots and blood draws I'm really glad I have the port and hopefully my poor arm can get some rest!

I scheduled my first chemo for Thursday. I am so happy that they could start me this week. I didn't know how it would go if I was to start next week because its Thanksgiving. Also next week puts me on the 3 week schedule that I didn't want, not only with Thanksgiving week but also one treatment falls on Mackenzie's birthday. But now it works out. Also I *think* I will be finished with chemo on February 28th so I'll have all of March off and then start Radiation in April and then in May I should be finished with treatments. Then I wait 6 months until I can have my next plastic surgery and then I'll really be done!

I feel more mentally prepared for chemo then I did for my surgery. I think mostly I was just scared about being under anesthesia for so long. I know chemo has side effects and I know that no one can predict how I will react to each drug but they have so many advances in this so I feel pretty comfortable that I will be okay. I know it will be hard and I know I'll have some bad days but in a way it will be good to feel my body fighting hard to kill this cancer. My oncologists office is just so supportive and I all ready have 6 prescriptions to fight against side effects. They want you to call at the first sign of any side effect so they can help you battle it. It definitely isn't a time to try to fight through side effects yourself. I don't usually use medication for headaches or pain unless its REALLY bad. But I'm all for taking something to fight nausea or any other discomfort.

I'm starting to get really annoyed with my hair and in my head I can't wait to get rid of it. I know I will be a crying mess when it actually happens but I keep thinking about how quick my mornings will be and how I won't have to use a straightener or a brush! Well I'll have to wash and brush my wig but I can't straighten it and once its brushed its pretty much set. I think Mackenzie will be the saddest about my hair. She loves to touch and brush my hair but she can always play with my wig if she wants to play with my hair. It makes me laugh a little to think about coming home and changing into comfy clothes and hanging up my wig for the night! I all ready have 3 hats to wear that I got for free but I need to get some cute ones too!

This is a big week for me and I'm actually looking forward to it. The best part will be my first free house cleaning on Wednesday!

November

***I've been writing this post for the last 5 days. For some reason my brain is so scattered and I start writing a post and then forget to finish and publish and then I have to change it because days have passed when I remember to go back to it!...I blame cancer!***

I usually LOVE October. Its fall, my anniversary month and more importantly its SO close to November which is my favorite month of all! But this year October reminded me every.single.minute that I have breast cancer because pink was every where and it was harder than I thought. I get that people want to support cancer but I'm not sure the gimmicks of "Breast Cancer Awareness Month" are helping cancer as much as you might think. Yes its better than $1 from your $50 purchase goes to cancer then NOTHING but using cancer to promote your product or your business disgusts me. I started to write a whole post on this topic but I never finished it or published it because I don't want people to not donate. We NEED awareness and money for early detection and research.

But now its finally over (along with one of my least favorite holidays...Halloween!) and its November. Speaking of Halloween, I have to show pictures of my beautiful Snow White! This was the first time we took her trick or treating and she loved it. She also loved handing out candy.

Bailey supervising Mackenzie and George

November means voting (one of my favorite rights), my birthday MONTH and Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday). I love this time of year. Its colder, the leaves are beautiful and everything is orange and brown and so cozy feeling.

My birthday plans have been up in the air because I didn't know when egg retrieval/ chemo starting would be. I was thinking about having my head shaving party that day because I was thinking chemo would start last week but since its not my mom and I are going to go away on a little R&R trip! Last year we went to Atlantic City and Ocean City, MD for my birthday and I'm glad we did because those areas have been absolutely devastated by Hurricane Sandy.

I've had a ton of doctors appointments recently because of the fertility stuff and I'm getting pretty tired of going. I seriously can't wait for chemo to start. Such a weird thing to say. I know I'm going to have a lot of appointments with chemo too but at least I'll be getting treatment instead of being in this weird state of limbo.

I finally started my injections this weekend and its terrible/not as terrible as I was expecting. My poor husband spent Saturday night waiting for me to get enough courage to get the shot. I tried to do it myself twice but I just couldn't. I kept thinking...If I was at the doctor, they would come in and just do it, why can't you just do it. But something about being at your own house and getting an injection from your husband who has no training is daunting! He should have come to the injection class with me! I am so lucky to have all this medication donated to me by LiveStrong/Fertile Hope but it still sucks to have to do it. Twice when he was about to inject me I broke down in tears about how unfair all of this is.

Tonight will be my 4th night of injections. Tonight will be 2 separate injections (of 3 medications). Then tomorrow morning I start one in the morning and one at night. I really wish I did this right after my mastectomy because the medication makes me so tired and I would have slept so much better! 

6 weeks

Today is 6 weeks since my surgery. Right now six weeks ago I was just being moved to my room. Its so weird to think about. Sometimes it feels like last week and sometimes it feels like a year ago. I forget that I've had surgery until I move a certain way and it hurts or when I wake up in the morning and I'm a little sore. I think a little of the soreness is from my port still. I think the worst part of surgery for me was the couple of days before it. I was starting to panic. I was really afraid of not waking up from anesthesia. But once I remembered what ever happened wasn't up to me and there was nothing I could do I felt a whole lot better. A nurse even asked me right before surgery if I took some Xanax because I was so calm. Did other mastectomy patients run up and down the hall screaming before surgery?

I started picking up and holding Mackenzie again. Just for short periods of time. She's pretty heavy! I can feel it mostly where my port is but sometimes I can feel in my chest. Its not painful just sore. My chest muscles (and arm muscles) haven't lifted anything over 5ish pounds in 6 weeks. They probably hate me. Going from 5 pounds to 30+ pounds overnight probably isn't the smartest idea!

The hardest part of recovery for me has been slowing down. By choice I didn't drive for almost 4 weeks. I waited until all my drains were out (3 weeks) before I asked the doctor when I could drive and he said when I was off narcotics (I all ready was) and when I felt like I could make an emergency turn. It was just so uncomfortable to be in the car the first couple of weeks but the seat belt was terrible. I drove at first with the shoulder part behind my back but it made me nervous to do that. When I finally felt good enough to drive I got my port put in and that's right where my shoulder belt sits which felt terrible. This last week I've been driving a lot and its felt fine, even with the shoulder belt on.

I also felt so tired all the time. I still feel pretty tired at the end of the day. That's probably why I'm finally sleeping through the night again. Oh that's the other thing. Lack of sleep. It was almost impossible to find a comfortable position and stay comfortable. I could only sleep on my back (I just started sleeping on my sides again). I think at my parents house right after surgery I had 6-7 pillows and was almost sitting up to sleep, mostly because its almost impossible to sit up after laying down for that long. My mom would have to (gently) push me up from how I was "laying" and then it took a couple minutes to be able to move. I am now sleeping with just 2 pillows (still up from the 1 before surgery) and I use a pillow under my right arm at night (until it falls off the bed).

I'm happy that I stopped taking pain medication pretty early in recovery. The surgery/recovery isn't painful. I just felt SO sore all the time. The port has been more painful than the surgery, even the expansions. I didn't like how the narcotic pain medication or narcotic muscle relaxer made me feel. I took the muscle relaxer a couple times before bed because I would have muscle spasms really bad. Its a strange feeling. During the mastectomy they stretch the muscle to the front, behind the skin, so I can feel my muscles a lot more.

I thought I'd be starting chemo this Thursday but I'm still in the egg retrieval process so I probably won't start for another 2 weeks. I'm ready to start get it going and over with. Its funny how at first its so sad to think that you have to do chemo and now I can barely contain myself to start it!

Its been a wonderful 4 day weekend (minus the hurricane yesterday...we had flickering but never lost power)! My first 4 days back to work were great. I feel so supported there. I know that people don't always know what to say or what to do but just knowing that people care about me and my recovery feels great.

Work

Today was day two back to work. So far its been great. I probably should have gone back to work last week but its hard to go back after being off for 6 weeks (1 week at the beach and 5 weeks post surgery). Luckily I work at the best place with the best people who are so understanding about time off and that I don't have the stamina I did before surgery to do the amount of work I usually do. So I'm easing back in slowly. I forgot how much fun my coworkers are. Its been taking my mind off of everything and I've been laughing a lot.

Lately on my mind a lot is surrogacy. We have to get through the egg retrieval process before we really start looking into finding a surrogate but I've still been researching laws. They are so different in every state and I think the law depends on where the surrogate/ gestational carrier lives and not where I live which is potentially a good thing. The laws in Virginia for gestational carriers are pretty strict (she has to be married and have at least 1 child) but laws in Maryland are pretty lenient. I'm not sure Maryland actually has any laws regarding surrogacy. But its totally banned in DC. After the egg retrieval, we probably need to meet with our fertility doctor and a lawyer to see exactly what we'll need to move forward (besides lots and lots of money).

I'm not sure that I'll be able to actually carry another pregnancy because my doctors wanted me to do progesterone injections once a week while pregnant from week 14/16- week 36ish. My cancer is estrogen and progesterone positive while means its fueled by those hormones and I'm not sure my doctors would want me to risk being pregnant (lots of estrogen) AND get injections for about 20 weeks of progesterone. Its something we'll have to consult with my doctors about and make a decision on in the future.

There's too much to think about and know about. Who knew 6 months ago I would really be thinking about using a surrogate! I thought I would just get pregnant again quickly like with Mackenzie and I'd have a little baby 9 months later (hopefully). So if you know anyone who wants to be pregnant just one more time but don't actually want another child, let them know I'm looking for an oven for my bun.

Its weird that I haven't had any doctors appointments this week. I have a 5 minute appointment Friday for them to check my port but that's it. Then Monday I have the plastic surgeon again but so far that's all that's scheduled. Once the fertility stuff starts I'll be there every couple of days for blood draws (wahoo my favorite!) and ultrasounds. These pictures show all the injections that I have to take. The box is huge and its full of needles and medication and a sharps box. Things I never wanted in my house! I have more medication to pick up at the pharmacy too. Its going to be a long 10-14 days when this starts but I'm ready to get it over it.

Distance

I've been having a hard time the last couple days. I'm not sure anyone noticed. Unless I haven't responded to your emails or texts. I usually distance myself when I'm upset. I don't want to bring everyone else down. It's just the culmination of learning how to inject myself with fertility drugs on Friday (and also sticking myself in the finger), getting ready to go back to work and getting anxious about starting chemo.

When I got my tentative egg retrieval schedule I was a little taken aback by the projected retrieval date. It pushes back chemo another two weeks and that's frustrating. I talked to my fertility doctor today and my oncologist (thank God they give you their email addresses!) and I feel a lot better about the schedule. My oncologist is okay with the timeline and if she thinks its reasonable then its good for me! My fertility doctor explained why I have to take so many medications and more about the process and that eased my mind as well.

I need to actually find a counselor or someone to talk to. I've been talking about it for months but I have to actually do it. I need help getting over the fact that this is actually happening to me. I want to go back to July 10 when I thought my life was perfect. I know it's impossible but that's what I want. I still feel like I'm in this terrible nightmare that I can't wake up from. Its just been really hard adjusting to this new normal. How I look, so many doctors and appointments and just how life is different in general. I hate that my daughter knows that I can't hold her yet because I have "ouchies". I love that she is old enough to understand why I can't pick her up but I hate that I can't do it. She hugs me with space between us because she knows where my ouchies are and I hate that. It sucks to walk into a doctors exam room to have an ultrasound and hear your own heart instead of the baby that you're carrying. I've had more ultrasounds with breast cancer than I had when I was pregnant. It all just sucks. That's really all there is to say about it! By the way, my echocardiagram was great!

I just have these roller coaster of emotions and when the sadness comes its very powerful. But I think sometimes its good to give into it. I can't keep the sadness bottled up and I try not to. It's just so weird to be able to enjoy a great day and then be so sad the next. And not even a whole day. Sometimes sadness lasts minutes. Sometimes it comes and goes all day. I can't imagine how my roller coaster of emotions is going to be affected by all these hormones I'll be injecting myself with. Maybe it will make me more sane!

I'm hoping going back to work will get my mind off cancer all the time. I'm glad I had today to get my fertility ducks in a row. It'll be nice to get back on our "normal" schedule. I have about 2.5 weeks to pretend I don't have cancer until I start chemo. This new schedule actually works out better than the one I thought I would be doing. First chemo is after my birthday, second chemo is NOT the day after Thanksgiving and later chemo is NOT on Mackenzie's birthday!

On a funny side note, the anesthesia office called from the fertility doctor today to ask pre-surgery questions and I might be the best candidate for surgery ever! I've recently had an echocardigram that was clear, I've recently been under anesthesia and twilight anesthesia so I know how it will effect me. It's still funny to me sometimes to tell people that I have cancer.

Dr.: "Any problems with your heart"
Me: "Nope, I had an echo last week that was good"
Dr.: "An echo? Why did you have an echo?"
Me. "I guess you have to have it done before chemo."

Then I had to explain that I have cancer. He assumed that I hadn't had surgery yet; I told him I had. Then he assumed I didn't have a port. I told him I had one of those too. I told him I know ALL about twilight anesthesia (and maybe I'm a little excited about it!).

Free {Cancer} Stuff!

Yesterday was a day for free cancer stuff! It started with me actually sleeping through the night for the first time since the night before my surgery. It was glorious! Sadly it was only a 1 night thing but I still enjoyed it!

I woke up to this email from Cleaning for a Reason. (Yes I did go back to bed after George and Mackenzie left and woke up at almost 10:30am!)

 I was so surprised I actually got matched with a maid service because this area is so large and there were only a couple of participating maid services. They don't keep your name on a wait list so if your application expires you have to start the process all over again. It wouldn't have been a big deal. I definitely would have tried again. But I'm so excited to get FREE maid service once a month for FOUR months!! Who can beat that?

Later, my friend Kelly and I went to the American Cancer Society where I went to pick out a free wig. I chose this one.

But I HAD to try on this one. Not quite for me but I couldn't pass up trying on a Shirley Temple wig!!

If you know anyone who is facing any type of cancer diagnosis or has all ready been diagnosed please encourage them to search for (or search for them) things they can get for free because they have cancer. So far I got a free cancer binder (I found this AFTER I all ready made me awesome pink cancer binder!) from the Young Survival Coalition, a free tote bag from Tiger Lily Foundation (with a blanket, lotion, a journal and pen, shea butter soap bar, candle, Tiger Lily pink bracelet, healing stone and another pen), the gift basket at the hospital (with a TON of goodies in it) and now the maid service and a wig. I applied for and was approved for a head scarf from Good Wishes Scarves. And I am receiving the medications I have to take for the egg retrieval from Fertile Hope and they offer a discounted rate for the whole procedure.

When you are diagnosed, it is such devastating news. But you really have to work cancer in your favor. There is TONS of stuff out there waiting for cancer patients to just ask for. I'm looking forward to going to a class through Look Good Feel Better. They teach you how to apply make up (and hide any chemo effects) and even give you a goodie bag full of make up when you leave. In this area there are classes at every hospital every month. Chemo Angels, from my understanding, is a program that matches you with people who have previously gone through chemo that will mail you cards and presents while you undergo treatment. Then of course, there are trips. Casting for Recovery teaches women to fly fish on a weekend trip in different parts around the country.

Heavenly Hats is an organization that will mail you some free hats for any medical reason. The hats are donated so you can't pick out a certain style but you are mailed a couple of different ones. The ones you don't like you can mail back. And it looks like at Hats Off To Chemo you can request a certain type of hat (I just did!). Crickett's Answer to Cancer can provide wigs or hats, mastectomy bras, lymphedema sleeves or pampering services. Go to the Request Services page and fill out the application. I'm going to apply for another wig!

The Lydia Project provides a free tote, or a prayer, support, or emergency relief services. Cancer Care created a list of organizations that also offer financial assistance to anyone going through cancer. The organization for your specific cancer (if there is one) will offer tons of resources for emotional and financial assistance as needed. The American Cancer Society also offers rides to treatment for patients that cannot get there on their own and many other free services (including gas cards). Call your local office (703-998-5550 for the Vienna, VA office) and ASK how THEY can help YOU! That's what they are here for. If you need preventative screening a lot of organizations will pay for those as well. Check breast cancer charities to see if they will cover the cost of your mammogram or biopsy if you need one.

Lastly, I feel very strongly that I am the luckiest cancer patient in the world! I have the best support group around me, I've been brought meals, sent cards and presents and have been shuttled around to errands by great friends and family. At the end of all my treatments I am so ready to begin the "paying it forward" part of this journey. I have an amazing idea for a Non-Profit type of charity (its different than what you're used to!) and plan to volunteer with the organizations that have helped me through cancer. Without those volunteers and donations none of these free goodies would be possible! And when my hair finally comes back, I will be donating my wig(s) back to these organizations so that someone else can enjoy them. But before all of that, I am going to donate my hair to either Locks of Love which can make up to 3 wigs for kids under 21 battling cancer (you need at least 10 inches and can be dyed) or Pantene Beautiful Lengths (which needs 8 inches and cannot be dyed at all).

Please leave a comment if you know of any other FREE services for cancer patients with any type of cancer!

Weekend recap

Friday, I had my port put in. It was really weird because when I got back to the waiting area before the procedure I started to panic a little and realized that I really didn't know why I needed this or anything else about it really. I know why people get ports but I didn't know why I need it if I'm only going to have chemo 6 times. Questions you are supposed to ask your doctor BEFORE you have your port put in. I've heard great things about how easy it makes treatments so I guess I'll keep it for now (like I have a choice right??). The staff at Alexandria Hospital were great. It was a completely different experience then when we were there for George last year.

I was brought into the procedure room and was given a little versaid, my new best friend, and they prepped me. Last thing I remember was the doctor saying he was there and then I woke up to them talking about baseball. Versaid is good because when they stop it you wake up without feeling groggy.

We went home, I took a nap then we got ready to go out for our anniversary. We picked up Mackenzie and dropped her off with our friends for the night then went to J. Gilbert's. It's pretty hard to dress cute with my compression bra (I call it my chastity bra) and my neck saran wrapped but I did my best. Our dinner was delicious and sleeping in was awesome.

Can you tell I feel like I have a neck brace on?

Saturday we met our friends at the fire station open house then went to their house for lunch. Mackenzie is best friends with both of their kids so its so easy when we are with them. All the kids entertain themselves and the adults can chat almost uninterrupted!

Saturday night Mackenzie and I spent the night at my parents house. George had to work until 4am so I thought it would be easier for me to have some help and let him sleep in the morning. She is the sweetest girl (most of the time). She has her terrible two moments of course, but when I was laying next to her while she was falling asleep she kept holding my hand. She always checks on me and says I love you and good night about 10 times. Sunday, she was helping me get up from chairs and the couch. I didn't really need help but of course I will accept it from my precious child!

When George came to my parents house Sunday morning, the 3 of us went to Burke Nursery Pumpkin Playground. Mackenzie of course rode the pony.

We played on the slides, they rode the hay ride, she got her face painted and played a lot! Everyone gets a little pumpkin before you leave and she was so proud of her "baby pumpkin"

I'm still getting used to this port. Even though my mom took the "saran wrap" off Sunday it still feels stiff and sometimes like I have a neck brace on. I think I'm just over compensating for knowing there is something in my neck. Its too gross to think about! Hopefully in a couple days it will feel normal again. Now that I'm not really sore at all from my mastectomy it sucks to have this kind of start the soreness all over again. 

To my dear and loving husband

Dear George:

Happy 4th anniversary! Some days it seems like its been 1 year, other days it feels like it has been 14 years (in a good way)! 

4 years ago today I married my best friend. It was the best wedding I've ever been to! I loved everything about it; the invites, the ceremony, the flowers, the reception, the food. It was perfect. Everyone says that something goes wrong at your wedding, it happens to everyone. But ours really didn't. There was a little mix up at the beginning of the reception because we showed up a little earlier than expected but no one noticed and it didn't affect anything (except for us trying the appetizers which were all ready gone). We ate dinner, we danced our asses off and we enjoyed the company of our closest (125) family and friends.

The last 4 years have been tough on us as a couple. Right before our wedding this country's economy took a huge nose dive and so did the housing market, one year after we bought our first home. Our first born was born premature in 2010 and then was hospitalized and had surgery at 5 weeks old. In 2011, you were hospitalized for 6 days with internal bleeding. And of course this year I have breast cancer. So much stuff in 4 short years.

But we're lucky. We have each other. We have our closest friends and family surrounding us. 

For our 1 year anniversary I wrote you our love story. From the very beginning. I wrote that we each made one decision in our lives that brought us together. But I believe fate had a lot to do with it. I love that I was doing an internship and was required to keep a journal and know the exact date we met (July 6, 2005). I love that we didn't like each other at first but that we slowly became best friends. And I love our love story.

I included in my packet to you my favorite poem that I first read in an English class in college. Its called To My Dear and Loving Husband and its by Anne Bradstreet.

If ever two were one, then surely we.

If ever man were lov'd by wife, then thee. 

If ever wife was happy in a man, 

Compare with me, ye women, if you can. 

I prize thy love more than whole mines of gold, 

Or all the riches that the East doth hold. 

My love is such that Rivers cannot quench, 

Nor ought but love from thee give recompense.

Thy love is such I can in now way repay; 

The heavens reward thee manifold I pray. 

Then while we live, in love lets so persever, 

That when we live no more, we may live ever.

I also included a quote from the Notebook:

"Poets often describe love as an emotion that we can't control, one that overwhelms logic and common sense. That's what its like for me. I didn't plan on falling in love with you, and I doubt that you planned on falling in love with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we didn't, something rare and beautiful was created. For me love like that has happened only once, and that's why every minute we spend together has been searing in my memory, I'll never forget a single moment of it."

When we met, the last thing on our minds was the two of us ever dating, falling in love and getting married. But here we are, 7 years after meeting, 6.5 years after starting to date and 4 years of marriage. Its not always easy and we've been through more than many other couples but that's what has made us stronger than ever. I love that you know when I need my hand held at the doctor. I love that you know when I'm about to cry and come over to hug me. I love that you know that a pink Coach purse won't cure cancer but it sure makes me feel better about it. I love how you send me tulips and make sure I don't need anything before you leave my side. And I love more than anything, the little girl that we created. There is no one like her in the world, she is just part you and part me. 

I'm so lucky that I have you in my life, as my husband. To walk with me every step of our (not always fabulous) life. Someone who knows me as well as I know myself and someone who is willing to stand by me through it all. 

Your card to me today talked about our future, "many anniversary's from now". I'm so hopeful for our days of sitting on our front porch in our rockers watching our grand children run around our front lawn. But until then I'm so excited to see what each day, each moment even, brings us and our little family. 

Love you forever and ever. 

Wednesday happenings

Monday my mom and I went to the plastic surgeon and I got my last drain out!!!! Its been so wonderful although I do kind of miss it. JUST KIDDING! But it was weird the first day to adjust to not having it. I kept thinking it was time to empty it or I had to move it to sleep and it was no longer there! I got used to it pretty quick though! They also did the first expansion. It is SO weird that they use a magnet to find the little port in the expander and then use this giant syringe to fill em up. I'm not sure exactly how much they put in because I wasn't paying attention but they only filled it until I was uncomfortable which I appreciated. My plastic surgeon also told me that they won’t do the reconstruction surgery until 6 months after I finish radiation which sucked to hear. That’s about a year from now. We never discussed timeline after radiation (as far as I remember) because no one was expecting that it would be part of my treatment plan.

I also drove for the first time on Monday. And it was the last time too. It’s still pretty uncomfortable to be in the car in general and then to turn and change lanes is just adding insult to injury (literally). I think I'm going to do a little more and more every day to get used to it. It’s ironic because I LOVE to drive so much. I drive us everywhere. But it’s been nice to be the passenger!

Today George and I went to Chemo Class. I think it’s a great class that they have. It gives general ideas about what could happen when you have chemo. Some things like hair loss and fatigue happen to everyone (in my class anyway) but there are other symptoms that you may or may not get and the doctors have meds to ease those symptoms. The nurse also gave us a list of things to avoid during chemo like mani's and pedi's and hot tubs. When she told us that, I said "man chemo is NO fun!" which got a laugh out of the class. It’s so interesting to me that we are sitting in this class, we all have various stages of this terrible disease and yet we can laugh and make fun of it. The next 5ish months aren't going to my favorite but they can still be fun. There is a lot to celebrate (including my birthday 1 month from today) and I plan to celebrate as much as possible.

I’ve been having like phantom feelings lately which is really weird. It feels like your foots asleep a little bit and the feeling is starting to come back. It’s very annoying and I can’t wait for it to go away. I also have no feeling in my right arm pit where they took the lymph nodes out and on my right side next to my arm pit where they took the rest of the lymph nodes (no one told me I have a 2-3 inch incision there…I was VERY surprised to see it 2 weeks ago!). It’s weird to put your hand on your arm and not be able to feel that it’s there. I know not all the sensation is going to come back but I hope most of it does.

Wigs, wigs, wigs

Since we got our great news on Wednesday I've been feeling great. A huge weight lifted off my shoulders! Friday my Aunt Julie took me out to lunch which was so fun. I've been turning down visitors a lot but I need to stop. It's nice to get out of the house and talk to someone besides myself all day! 

Today my mom picked Mackenzie and I up and we went to Farm Day in Falls Church. Mackenzie got to ride a pony, go on a hayride and go in the petting zoo. I say go in because she wouldn't pet anything. I pet a bunny and held a baby chicken which Mackenzie briefly poked in the eye pet. I'm excited that she is finally loving horses. Last year we went on a horse driven sleigh ride around Christmas time and she wanted nothing to do with the horses. This year she LOVES them! 

After the Farm Day, we drove to Fairfax and went to Bravadas wig shop. It was interesting. I thought I would be more upset but it was actually kind of fun. They were so nice and helpful. I tried on a lot of wigs. I thought I would want something that is really long like my hair now but I like one that's about shoulder length. I definitely knew I wanted to try a different color. Might as well try something new while you can since I would never die my natural hair color (it's too beautiful!). So we ordered the one below left in the brown (below right). I personally liked the blonde but I was talked out of it! 

The picture below makes me laugh. Obviously the hair line was off a little in the picture on the left. The one on the top right makes me look 20 years older. All the wigs look great on the heads but like clothes, they don't all look good on. I loved the color in the bottom right but I think it's a little too dark. But it will be winter so it could have worked. 

I'm definitely not looking forward to losing my hair. Besides the scars from my mastectomies, this is the visual sign that I am really sick. My doctor said my hair will start to fall out about 2.5 weeks after my first chemo treatment but I've heard as soon as 10 days. There's really no way to tell. It's going to be really hard to see the hair actually falling out and when it's finally time to shave my head. The guy who did my moms hair said we could rent out the back room of the salon, bring some champagne, and have a head shaving party. I love that idea. I've been trying to think of where I was actually going to have my head shaved because there is going to be a lot of tears and I really don't want to sit in the middle of a salon while others watch me. The back room (not like their storage closet, think private dressing room) of a salon sounds like a much better idea. That way I can cry it out, put on my wig and then feel fabulous. I think I'm going to see if I can donate my hair to locks of love before its shaved and at least try to help someone else out in the process (although real human hair wigs are in the THOUSANDS of dollars!). 

Very importantly my request is for people to NOT shave their heads with me. I know most women probably weren't thinking about doing it (even though Kelly Pickler did) but I just wanted to reinforce it. Obviously someone like George wouldn't be missing much hair if he decided to shave his head too but I'm not looking for any of my female friends to do this. Wigs are really freaking expensive!